Boyfriend not listening to potential safety concern I’m trying to discuss

[Poppy93]

My [26F] boyfriend [25M] is never easy to talk to about issues. However tactful I am, he always goes on the defensive and gets more angry until I can’t get a word in. I end up so exhausted and confused from the circular conversations that I usually just stop trying. 

 

The most recent argument is about a log burning fire leaking smoke into the living room through the door and pipe work. The sealant is also dripping onto the stove top and causing a plastic smell which has been giving me a headache. I haven’t used the fire since.

 

I have always had a bad gut feeling about the fire as a list of issues and a quote was mentioned in the very final stages of paperwork when buying the house. The same workmen who (apparently) fitted the fire came back to do the revisions but I don’t understand why they didn’t just do it right in the first place? Also, we weren’t asked if we had a carbon monoxide detector/tested it was working. The little things just felt a bit off to me and I’m worried if there’s small issues, there might there be bigger ones we can’t see.

 

I have told my boyfriend my concerns and asked my him if he could give the workmen who signed it off as safe around a month ago a call back, because I do not think it is safe. He said there’s no reason to call them back and it’s fine. He said it’s probably because I overloaded it and it doesn’t ‘guarantee against stupidity’.  He says I’ve seen one little thing wrong with it and blown it out of all proportion. 

 

Truth is, it is a possibility I may have overloaded it. I’ve just got a niggle at the back of my mind thats it’s also a possibility that the chimney could be blocked and leaking carbon monoxide back into the room. I feel I am blowing this up a bit because it can have fatal consequences. 

I’m thinking of leaving because of this. I’m sick of being discounted whenever I raise a concern but particularly with this being potentially dangerous. However there is also a side of me that’s beginning to believe I may be looking for problems and blowing it l up if it’s a normal thing for log burners.

 

Any advice appreciated

[lana-banana]

You have carbon monoxide detectors, right? If not, you need them immediately. 

 

Part of being a supportive partner means doing things that may seem silly to you. It is worrisome that he'd dismiss a risk that could potentially be harmful to you both. But even if you are exaggerating, the important part is you're considering leaving over it. Yeah, this is obviously about much more than a fireplace. The argument itself is moot. You're mentally ready to split, which is what matters. This relationship is over in all but deed.

 

PS: seriously, get carbon monoxide detectors if you haven't already!

[ChatroomHero]

Yeah, that's a pretty bad reaction on his part. He could have said maybe you overload it, I don't smell anything, let's ask someone else, let's get a detector and check...If I were you I would just call the guy that did the work, tell him your concerns and that maybe it was something you did, but that guy should take it seriously. If your bf is blowing it off, just call them yourself.

 

That being said, yes, it sounds like your bf is being a complete jerk and owes you an apology. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Poppy93 said:

The most recent argument is about a log burning fire leaking smoke into the living room through the door and pipe work. The sealant is also dripping onto the stove top and causing a plastic smell which has been giving me a headache.

 

Any advice appreciated

It sounds like you have some form of wood stove of fireplace insert.  From your description, it doesn't sound like the stove/insert is drawing properly.  I think I might get a second opinion (not from the original contractor/workmen).  Also have you had a "Chimney Sweep" clean your flue??  Is the chimney high enough to affect the proper draw??

 

Around the door of the wood stove/insert, please inspect the gasket.  There shouldn't be smoke coming back into the home around the door.  There are rope gasket kits with adhesive to correct that problem (wear disposable gloves when working with that adhesive). 

 

If sealant is dripping from around the joints of the stove pipe, the wrong sealant was used.  Remove the inferior sealant and replace with the correct stove pipe sealant/caulking.  Again, your local hardware store should have the correct sealant for stove pipes.  And always read the labels and follow the directions on the tube.

 

And as others have suggested, get a carbon monoxide detector!!  I have one that displays a count of carbon monoxide in the air,  mine always stays at zero, which gives me piece of mine and I know the battery is good in the thing.

[d0nnivain]

I agree that this is a toxic relationship.  Don't stay with a man who dismisses your fears, gets angry when you raise concerns & belittles you.  

[Timshel]

Yes to a chimney sweep and this dude does not seem a keeper for you. 

My husband and I do not agree on all things but we actively respect and adore each other.  He likes me sassy and I like him not being a pushover.

As long as you stay with him is as long as your heart and mind are kept away from living your best life.

There are a world of men out there, fear of being alone is harming you.

[preraph]

Call the fire department and have them come have a look.  They will do that sort of thing here, no problem.  They will know probably better than those workmen.  You might have to hire different workmen if the fire department says it needs to be fixed, and you should ask THEM if they have a recommendation.  I bet one of them will do it afterhours for a fee.  Yes, you should have both fire and carbon monoxide detectors.  That's easy enough.  And the firemen will have testers to measure that, I bet.

Edited December 20, 2019 by preraph

[basil67]

I agree with a lot that has been said, but why not give the workmen a call yourself?   After nearly 30 years with my hubby, I think I've made every single service call which has had to be made 🤣   If you'd choose to leave him rather than pick up the phone, I would suggest that your boyfriend is not the only problem here.

[spiderowl]

Your boyfriend cannot tolerate you questioning things.  You need a new boyfriend.  His attitude seems a form of denial.  It is dismissive of you and, as you suspect, probably downright dangerous.

[preraph]

It sounds like he won't let her make any decisions on her own or do anything without his permission and if that's the case she has bigger problems than this fire hazard.

[Redhead14]

On 12/20/2019 at 9:24 AM, Poppy93 said:

I end up so exhausted and confused from the circular conversations that I usually just stop trying.

You can use a telephone, yes?  Do it.  And, then you start looking for a new place to live and . . . a new boyfriend.  What he does is called gaslighting.  It is a form of mental and emotional manipulation/abuse. 

 

Edited December 29, 2019 by Redhead14