wtm78 Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 What does a Healthy Marriage look like? As a husband, the first thing I ask my wife is to come up with a chore list together and split the chores. But she refused, she wants to do everything. Then she says, "its because I love you so much that I am willing to do ALL this for you" (exact phrase). - I cant tell if she is telling me as-it-is or its guilt tripping.... Every time when we quarrel about how messy she is, she will definitely bring this up... "I cook for you... I do your laundry.. I iron your clothes.... is that not enough??" - This is where I am very confused. All the house work that she said she was going to do (as above), are out-sourced to a part-time maid. The cooking was once in a blue moon, and I always tell her not to cook. Because she just cook a pot of soup, but there will always be pots and pans and lots of bowls all around the dish drainer that she does not keep and I will have to clean them, sometimes the pots were not clean thoroughly, I would have to clean them again. So I tell her, I appreciate the thought, but I just want to go out and eat so I dont have to clean up later... About the laundry - she does the laundry 3 times a week, BUT when she is not around I do my own laundry once every 3 weeks because I don't have enough laundry load to put in the washing machine. So she is really just washing her own clothes and add in my clothes to fill up the washing machine.... And ironing of my clothes?? - the part time maid iron most of my shirts... I really dont know what she is complaining. When I am unhappy with something, I tell her "Hey, I am upset about this thing that you do, and its making me upset because blar blar blar, Can you please dont do this again?" She will be like, "yeah sure" BUT then she does it again... I dont know if she is an air head or she is being passive aggressive.... Like the time I told her not to squeeze the photo frame into the luggage it will break, or if it doesnt, when you reach the airport and check-in, the potter is going to throw your luggage and it will break. She said "OK". The very next second, she continue to squeeze the photo frame and it broke right after she say ok she will not squeeze in... And my DSLR screen is now broken because I told her not to squeeze it into the luggage... I am not trying to control her actions. BUT erm.. What does a Healthy Marriage look like? Does your spouse do what ever they want to do the way they want it without sparing a thought of your opinion? Or in my case, disregarding anything I say at all... And then when I want to try to tell her what I am upset about and why I am upset. She will tell me she do a lot of things for me and how much she love me.... Never had once address my concern. IF not she would cry uncontrollably.... or blaming me that I didnt talk to her nicely... What I dont understand is, I tried to talk to her nicely and patiently but she doesnt address my concern. And my frustration grows.. and when I start to get agitated then it is my fault that I didnt talk to her nice?.. - I dont know if she is that fragile, or she is just shifting the blame to me.... Even though she is a very nice person and everyone loves her... Why do I constantly feel like I am emotionally scarred ? SO What does a Healthy Marriage look like? Is the husband have to give in to the wife for everything? If that is the case, I think I am not marriage material.... Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 (edited) As i'm only hearing your side, take what i say with a grain of salt... or a sack of salt...Also i've never been married, though iv'e had 3 10yr+ relationships... so again, take this with a giant load of sacks of salt... but relationships should have mutual respect... unless you're wrong most of the time, she should listen to what you say and respect it... if she isn't listening to you, that means she doesn't consider what you have to say to be equal to her decision making. aka lack of respect. having said that, she may NOT KNOW what she's doing is a lack of respect... she may just innate do it b/c she's been doing it forever... so if you feel like you've already sat her down and had multiple discussions to no avail and you do feel like this relationship is lopsided... i HIGHLY suggest you two get marriage counseling... a 3rd party can reveal truths to both you and your wife, about what they see.. and allow you two to communicate with each other without picking sides... i highly recommend this if you feel like your attempts at communicating your hurts isn't getting thru to her. BUT you need to sit her down and express to her how serious you are about this... b/c you can't force someone to go to counseling with you... she has to realize how serious this is and make her own decision to join you... otherwise, the counseling won't do you both any good. Edited December 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Remove full quote of starting post Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 I don't think the posters here are true experts. I certainly don't feel like I could give you a complete answer. I do think part of it is that both partners feels their needs are being met. Part of it is that they enjoy each other's company and are at least content if not thrilled with each other and presumably do not think there's "much better" out there for them or IF they do have little interest in chasing it. I suspect a healthy marriage might look a lot different for different people. For example if both partners have mild ASD, what they want in a marriage and a partner might be very different from non-ASD folks. Similarly for a couple who have both been through addiction recovery (e.g. 12-step programs) or are very religious or are kinksters. So in that sense there are a lot of different things a "healthy" marriage might look like in the specifics. It's also worth noting that a marriage or relationship continues because both people choose to continue it. I don't think there is "perfection" in the world, although apparently some couples may come close in terms of their compatibility with each other. Over the long term there can be periods of greater or lesser "health" and satisfaction with the marriage as the partners change as people and as life's parameters change. So you hear of "rough patches" etc that take commitment and "work" to get through rather than it being as easy as we'd like. From your post, agree it sounds like you guys could use a little MC to head off these tension before they escalate (it sounds like they have started to for you). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 You wife sounds self centered. It's unlikely that she will change. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 34 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I don't think the posters here are true experts. I certainly don't feel like I could give you a complete answer. I do think part of it is that both partners feels their needs are being met. Part of it is that they enjoy each other's company and are at least content if not thrilled with each other and presumably do not think there's "much better" out there for them or IF they do have little interest in chasing it. I suspect a healthy marriage might look a lot different for different people. For example if both partners have mild ASD, what they want in a marriage and a partner might be very different from non-ASD folks. Similarly for a couple who have both been through addiction recovery (e.g. 12-step programs) or are very religious or are kinksters. So in that sense there are a lot of different things a "healthy" marriage might look like in the specifics. It's also worth noting that a marriage or relationship continues because both people choose to continue it. I don't think there is "perfection" in the world, although apparently some couples may come close in terms of their compatibility with each other. Over the long term there can be periods of greater or lesser "health" and satisfaction with the marriage as the partners change as people and as life's parameters change. So you hear of "rough patches" etc that take commitment and "work" to get through rather than it being as easy as we'd like. From your post, agree it sounds like you guys could use a little MC to head off these tension before they escalate (it sounds like they have started to for you). <--- def not a true expert. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 2 hours ago, wtm78 said: What does a Healthy Marriage look like? wtm78, do you have any close friends? Because a healthy marriage looks a lot like a good friendship - you treat each other with respect, have consideration for their needs and allow some latitude for them to be them. Doesn't sound like you're there, so add me to the list of those recommending MC... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Brennan72 Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 These are small issues --honestly. My wife is a complete slob, although she has gotten a bit better over the years. She told me that feminism taught her that a) She shouldn't clean --ever, not even for herself. Her apartment before we were married looked like a bomb hit it b) She shouldn't work on her handwriting, because men don't have good handwriting. A woman with good handwriting is a secretary When I get home from a very difficult day at work, and the house is a disaster, I bite my lower lip, and go for a walk, or head to the basement. It just isn't worth fighting about. but I love my wife for what she is, not what she isn't. Upending the marriage because of some plates piled in the sink would be absurd. You have to just let this one go. She isn't going to change, and you will continue fighting about the same stuff 10 years from now Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 6 minutes ago, Brennan72 said: These are small issues --honestly. My wife is a complete slob, although she has gotten a bit better over the years. She told me that feminism taught her that a) She shouldn't clean --ever, not even for herself. Her apartment before we were married looked like a bomb hit it b) She shouldn't work on her handwriting, because men don't have good handwriting. A woman with good handwriting is a secretary When I get home from a very difficult day at work, and the house is a disaster, I bite my lower lip, and go for a walk, or head to the basement. It just isn't worth fighting about. but I love my wife for what she is, not what she isn't. Upending the marriage because of some plates piled in the sink would be absurd. You have to just let this one go. She isn't going to change, and you will continue fighting about the same stuff 10 years from now omg... feminism taught her that??? dying here... Link to post Share on other sites
Brennan72 Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 7 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: omg... feminism taught her that??? dying here... she seriously said that Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 3 minutes ago, Brennan72 said: she seriously said that I believe you! hahaha... gawd, don't let my gf see this.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 13 minutes ago, Brennan72 said: b) She shouldn't work on her handwriting, because men don't have good handwriting. A woman with good handwriting is a secretary Lol 😂 My mom achieved her Phd from Brown University when women weren't even expected to work...love my mom. Her handwriting is honestly the best I have ever seen. OP, from your post, your wife seems depressed. Sorry if I missed it but have the two of you tried marriage counseling? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Brennan72 Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 21 minutes ago, Timshel said: Lol 😂 My mom achieved her Phd from Brown University when women weren't even expected to work...love my mom. Her handwriting is honestly the best I have ever seen. OP, from your post, your wife seems depressed. Sorry if I missed it but have the two of you tried marriage counseling? Nah, not depressed. I was just pointing out to the OP that there are some things you have to let slide--you can't fight about every little thing, as it will build up Overall, y wife is great. Excellent mother, homeschools, terrific cook, affectionate, honest. She has her issues for sure, but so do I Link to post Share on other sites
Brennan72 Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 opps --sorry, that was for the OP Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 Sorry Brennan, I should have separated my reply. Your wife using feminism as an excuse made me laugh. Good on you both that you cherish each other, of course every married person is flexible. It's a requirement 😉 I should have said wtm78 instead of OP. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 32 minutes ago, Timshel said: Sorry Brennan, I should have separated my reply. Your wife using feminism as an excuse made me laugh. Good on you both that you cherish each other, of course every married person is flexible. It's a requirement 😉 I should have said wtm78 instead of OP. shame on you.... hahahha.... this is how wars are started... one typo.... Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 4 hours ago, wtm78 said: I think I am not marriage material.... Why did you get married (in the first place)?? Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 Your wife sounds passive aggressive. Does she have a job? If not, then she isn't doing much. If you tried to talk to her and she isn't listening or talking, then there isn't much you can do. Is she willing to go to a counselor? She sounds like she resents something and that might come out if she talks to a third party. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted December 21, 2019 Author Share Posted December 21, 2019 21 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said: if she isn't listening to you, that means she doesn't consider what you have to say to be equal to her decision making. aka lack of respect. having said that, she may NOT KNOW what she's doing is a lack of respect... she may just innate do it b/c she's been doing it forever... so if you feel like you've already sat her down and had multiple discussions to no avail and you do feel like this relationship is lopsided... i HIGHLY suggest you two get marriage counseling... a 3rd party can reveal truths to both you and your wife, about what they see.. and allow you two to communicate with each other without picking sides... I know what you mean... I totally agree... that was why my first thought was to go counselling. so I did.... 2 years ago, i brought her to marriage counselling. initially we went together.. she just sat there and cry. then the counselor made us attend sessions separately. i went for my sessions for a year... she went for another 2-3 sessions, which the counselor mentioned that wife just sat there and cry. after that, she refuses to attend.. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/588759-thinking-of-a-divorce-i-dont-know-if-i-should/?tab=comments#comment-7700904 then i thought maybe i should talk to her sister and ask for help... then her sister didnt think there was an issue.. she thinks that if her sister doesnt want to listen then i should give in.... pamper her and all... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted December 21, 2019 Author Share Posted December 21, 2019 18 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said: wtm78, do you have any close friends? Because a healthy marriage looks a lot like a good friendship - you treat each other with respect, have consideration for their needs and allow some latitude for them to be them. Doesn't sound like you're there, so add me to the list of those recommending MC... Mr. Lucky yes I do have close friends... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted December 21, 2019 Author Share Posted December 21, 2019 17 hours ago, Brennan72 said: Nah, not depressed. I was just pointing out to the OP that there are some things you have to let slide--you can't fight about every little thing, as it will build up Overall, y wife is great. Excellent mother, homeschools, terrific cook, affectionate, honest. She has her issues for sure, but so do I yes - i think i might have left out her suicidal stories... https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/588759-thinking-of-a-divorce-i-dont-know-if-i-should/?tab=comments#comment-7700908 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted December 21, 2019 Author Share Posted December 21, 2019 18 hours ago, Brennan72 said: These are small issues --honestly. My wife is a complete slob, although she has gotten a bit better over the years. She told me that feminism taught her that a) She shouldn't clean --ever, not even for herself. Her apartment before we were married looked like a bomb hit it b) She shouldn't work on her handwriting, because men don't have good handwriting. A woman with good handwriting is a secretary When I get home from a very difficult day at work, and the house is a disaster, I bite my lower lip, and go for a walk, or head to the basement. It just isn't worth fighting about. but I love my wife for what she is, not what she isn't. Upending the marriage because of some plates piled in the sink would be absurd. You have to just let this one go. She isn't going to change, and you will continue fighting about the same stuff 10 years from now feminism taught her to be a slob?? hey i am looking for an equal... not here to be someone's maid... well that's me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted December 21, 2019 Author Share Posted December 21, 2019 17 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: Why did you get married (in the first place)?? the whole context of the sentence is "Is the husband have to give in to the wife for everything? If that is the case, I think I am not marriage material...." if you are asking why did i marry her?? she was a totally different person before marriage... she was a can-do person... everything is easy going, can be discussed, can do. if i want it, it shall be done... woman change after married... the very next day... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted December 21, 2019 Author Share Posted December 21, 2019 is it ok if we can come back to the question What does a Healthy Marriage look like? i really wanna know!! Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted December 21, 2019 Share Posted December 21, 2019 47 minutes ago, wtm78 said: woman change after married... the very next day... So why didn't you leave... the very next day?? Your marriage became what you allowed it to become. In answer to your question... "What does a healthy marriage look like??" I have no idea, because I've never seen one. They are far and few between, kind of like lottery winners. My sister got divorced... All of my married friends have been divorced at least once. My long term girlfriend is divorced. My parents have hated each other for years, but can't afford to get divorced. After watching all the carnage that marriage is... I stayed single and never married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 21, 2019 Share Posted December 21, 2019 If you're so unhappy you're making multiple posts about your marriage on this forum, then that's all you need to know - that you don't have a healthy marriage. As has been noted, "healthy" marriages involve working together and compromise, the specifics will be different from marriage to marriage. Counseling sounds like a very good idea for you and your wife so that a neutral third party can hear from both of you and then provide suggestions. Link to post Share on other sites
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