Afraid it will be worse if I go

[fridaygirl]

Hi there. Been married 18 years, together 23. 2 children 16 & 18. I am really wanting out. I’ve had many times I’ve wanted to leave but always brushed the problem under the rug because I was scared. Never been abused, just very emotionally controlled and easily manipulated/intimidated and constantly walking on eggshells because when he’s in a mood, he gets very sharp tongue and lashes out. He cheated twice that I know of, last Physical one was 15 years ago where I found nude pics of him on beach with a woman. 8 months ago I discovered he was contacting women on FB for late night chat. On top of that, this past year, he’s been terminated twice from work for questionable practices - for personal financial gain. I’ve painted a bad picture, I know. But when I hear other women’s stories, mine isn’t so bad in the grand scheme. He’s never drank, he’s got an amazing work ethic, doesn’t bother me much about money as we are financially ok, I don’t want for a thing materially, shows up at every sporting event for our kids and is a decent dad, well liked in the community and we mostly get along as partners, sex is seldom and so-so.  But deep down, I care about him but I’m not in love with him. That flame went out with the last online cheating and it hasn’t returned. He’s actually accusing me of cheating on him lately because I’ve lost weight and take care of myself better. With the latest job loss, he says he needs someone to just “love him and tell him we will get through this“. I cannot sympathize since I already helped him survive the first job loss. I see a therapist which helps. He thinks my DH is borderline narcissist. DH not interested in couples therapy-waste of $$. I am thinking after the holidays (and planned cruise) that I will speak with an attorney just to educate myself. But I also struggle with “is it just safer to stay married than go through the storm of separation where he will make my life hell”.  I do work and can fully support myself. Just wanting thoughts if you were in my shoes? Thank you.

[2BGoodAgain]

7 minutes ago, fridaygirl said:

Hi there. Been married 18 years, together 23. 2 children 16 & 18. I am really wanting out. I’ve had many times I’ve wanted to leave but always brushed the problem under the rug because I was scared. Never been abused, just very emotionally controlled and easily manipulated/intimidated and constantly walking on eggshells because when he’s in a mood, he gets very sharp tongue and lashes out. He cheated twice that I know of, last Physical one was 15 years ago where I found nude pics of him on beach with a woman. 8 months ago I discovered he was contacting women on FB for late night chat. On top of that, this past year, he’s been terminated twice from work for questionable practices - for personal financial gain. I’ve painted a bad picture, I know. But when I hear other women’s stories, mine isn’t so bad in the grand scheme. He’s never drank, he’s got an amazing work ethic, doesn’t bother me much about money as we are financially ok, I don’t want for a thing materially, shows up at every sporting event for our kids and is a decent dad, well liked in the community and we mostly get along as partners, sex is seldom and so-so.  But deep down, I care about him but I’m not in love with him. That flame went out with the last online cheating and it hasn’t returned. He’s actually accusing me of cheating on him lately because I’ve lost weight and take care of myself better. With the latest job loss, he says he needs someone to just “love him and tell him we will get through this“. I cannot sympathize since I already helped him survive the first job loss. I see a therapist which helps. He thinks my DH is borderline narcissist. DH not interested in couples therapy-waste of $$. I am thinking after the holidays (and planned cruise) that I will speak with an attorney just to educate myself. But I also struggle with “is it just safer to stay married than go through the storm of separation where he will make my life hell”.  I do work and can fully support myself. Just wanting thoughts if you were in my shoes? Thank you.

 

don't worry about your kids... they'll be fine. I'm sure watching you in this relationship is prob more harm than good.

 

think about yourself first... if you go down first..then what?

 

first of all... it's a fallacy to compare your husband to someone much worse.. let's say a serial killer.. of course, he's not THAT bad compared to that... but it's just an excuse..

 

1) are you happy?

2) are you unhappy?

3) can you do this for the rest of your life?

4) do you want happiness, beyond this?

 

you have to be honest and ask yourself these questions... only you know your life better... so be honest with yourself and ask yourself these questions and than decide.

 

if you do decide divorce is the best option, hire a lawyer, get yourself out and the usual paperwork.

 

lawyer will help immensely thru all this; while you carry on as normal as possible under the circumstances.

 

good luck to you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

None of these seems like problems that can't be worked through.  Have you laid it all out to your husband--the things you're unhappy about?  

[mark clemson]

It doesn't sound like much fun, more just tolerable at best. Multiple infidelities would be a deal breaker for many people. Possibly he's also unhappy in the marriage and the cheating is a way to make himself happier (not the right way, just a way). Or possibly he has narcissist tendencies as you noted and so he's happy but does it anyway.

 

IF you decide to leave, you'll want to take some appropriate steps to shield yourself from any "counterattacks". The (sad in a way) truth is that if he's reasonably attractive and financially well-off he'll probably do just fine in the dating world of middle-aged adults.

[2BGoodAgain]

7 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It doesn't sound like much fun, more just tolerable at best. Multiple infidelities would be a deal breaker for many people. Possibly he's also unhappy in the marriage and the cheating is a way to make himself happier (not the right way, just a way). Or possibly he has narcissist tendencies as you noted and so he's happy but does it anyway.

 

IF you decide to leave, you'll want to take some appropriate steps to shield yourself from any "counterattacks". The (sad in a way) truth is that if he's reasonably attractive and financially well-off he'll probably do just fine in the dating world of middle-aged adults.

 

and there's an app for that... that's how my AP met her new guy.

 

 

Edited December 20, 2019 by 2BGoodAgain

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

None of these seems like problems that can't be worked through.  Have you laid it all out to your husband--the things you're unhappy about?  

I don’t usually disagree with you, but walking around on eggshells with a husband who can’t control his anger, multiple infidelities, and lost two jobs for “questionable practices”... let’s just say that this is probably not something I would want to work through. 
 

Just because he is not as bad as the physically abusive drunk down the street, does not mean that this is a good relationship for you. It depends on where you set your bar OP...and, I would suggest that you may want to raise your bar just a little bit...

Edited December 21, 2019 by BaileyB

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

11 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t usually disagree with you, but walking around on eggshells with a husband who can’t control his anger, multiple infidelities, and lost two jobs for “questionable practices”... let’s just say that this is probably not something I would want to work through. 

 

I understand all those things, but they did make vows to each other, so I think he should be given a reasonable chance to change.  We really don't know just how much she's informed him about her unhappiness.  He's said he doesn't want counseling, but maybe he'll change his tune if it's offered as an ultimatum.  I wouldn't want to keep him as-is either, but marital vows still mean something so just walking away at this point wouldn't be the only way to a happy life.  I just think they should both work harder to fix things before throwing in the towel.  

[schlumpy]

I guess I understand how fear can hold you back. You are also older and the abundant energy of youth to tackle any and everything has diminished. Combine that with a more worldly outlook on relationships and the success thereof and you feel stuck in place.

 

I think you are justified in wanting out especially since he will not recognize the part he has played in the your change of attitude. You could use the threat of divorce to force him into counseling but if you don't love him anymore, what's the use?

 

If you decide to leave, I would recommend that you plan it carefully. Make sure all the resources you need are lined up and the firewall you need to be safe and secure is in place. You will need allies. Once everything is set, then you have the conversation but I don't think you should do it alone. In your case, a third party may be necessary. I will leave that detail to your discretion.

 

Remember that because of the children he will always be in your life.

[Amethyst68]

I read your other thread, so your husband was correct about your cheating! Why lie on an anonymous forum?