Boyfriend tried to kiss one of our close friends

[sishjoshi]

my Boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a few months now and just recently have had a few bumps in our relationship. He went out clubbing last Monday and Wednesday With a few of our Mutual friends. I also went out Wednesday as well. I was planning to go back to his house after Wednesday night but he went to drop off one of our very drunk friends (girl) to her house and then come back. So I went to his house without him and with some of his housemates since we’re all good friends.

 

the next day after I go home, he messages me saying he’s outside my flat and wants to speak to me about something. I open the door and he’s already in tears and has bought me ice cream and sweets. I asked what was wrong and he told me that our friend (the girl he dropped home) told him that he had tried to kiss her... TWICE! Once on the Monday and once on the Wednesday. The thing is he doesn’t recall any of this and says he doesn’t remember it happening at all. 
I don’t know whether to believe he did this or not as they were both intoxicated both nights and she said he leaned into her and she just ran away... but then later that night FELL ASLEEP ON MY BOYFRIEND on the sofa right after he supposedly tried to kiss her on the Monday night. I don’t understand as to why you would wait a few days and not tell me about it either. 
my boyfriend doesn’t believe he did this and doesn’t believe her and cried so much to me saying he would never want to hurt me and loves me so much.

of course I love him too and nothing supposedly happened but the thought of him trying to kiss her makes me so upset. He also says he is no way attracted to her in the slightest. 
i just don’t understand how the two times where something happens when he’s drunk he just “forgets”. I’ve asked him to be honest saying that if he does remember then to tell me but swears he doesn’t remember a thing. 
I am so upset over this as I thought he was the one person who would never hurt me. 
we have spoken about the situation and chosen to move forward as it is just from one person’s perspective and we don’t actually know what happened that night. 

That being said, I am still very hurt and don’t know if I can’t trust him to go out and drink again although we have decided that he will only drink 2 drinks on a night out and always go back home with me. 
I just don’t know how to move on from this situation as I constantly catch myself thinking about it and think “what if it happened” or “what if it was some other girl who didn’t reject him” 

I just wish he would remember but all I can try to do is forgive and try to move on. It’s so difficult, how do you move on from a  situation like this?? 

 

Edited December 21, 2019 by sishjoshi
Typo

[LivingWaterPlease]

How I would move on is to date someone who doesn't drink so that he'll recall his behavior.  But sounds as if you love your bf and are planning to stay together.

 

I think there are many people who forget what they said or did when they were drinking. So, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and move on.  It's possible your friend (the woman who claims he tried to kiss her) also doesn't recall correctly what happened. There is really no way you can know.

 

I think your idea of having him drink less is a good start as to how to handle this. But, it's possible he won't stick to the plan. Also, staying with him when he goes out is another good step.  

 

For me, I'd try to get him to stop drinking and would always stay with him when he goes out. Even if I trusted him, just because I think it's generally a good plan for couples to do social things together.

[preraph]

Sounds like he's a black out drunk alcoholic. They're the ones who don't remember what they do at all and do things they wouldn't do sober. So to be quite Frank your problem is bigger than him kissing a friend. your problem is he has a bad substance abuse problem and needs to totally stop drinking because blacking out like that is a sign of a bad alcoholic. 

[Scarlett.O'hara]

What would have happened he hit on someone willing?  You know the answer, he would have had sex with her.  Most likely without a condom, then "forgotten" about it until she threatened to tell you.  My guess is this is the reason he confessed to making a move on her and passing it off as being too drunk to remember.  I think he was scared you'd find out. 

 

Nice friends don't make a habit on falling asleep on their friends boyfriends, especially when the guy keeps trying to makes moves on her.  You avoid them like the plague!   The story doesn't add up.  I don't buy that it was innocent on either side.

 

Also, what on earth is he doing driving a woman home alone when he is so drunk he can't even recall what he did that night?  He could have killed someone.  This guy is showing seriously bad judgement.  My instinct is that they went back to her place to have sex.

 

Even if you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, the fact that he continued making moves on her (drunk or not) would be reason enough to kick him to the curb.  

[sishjoshi]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Sounds like he's a black out drunk alcoholic. They're the ones who don't remember what they do at all and do things they wouldn't do sober. So to be quite Frank your problem is bigger than him kissing a friend. your problem is he has a bad substance abuse problem and needs to totally stop drinking because blacking out like that is a sign of a bad alcoholic. 

hi, my boyfriend isn’t an alcoholic, he’s quite responsible with his drinking and quite rarely goes out too. He only went out those two nights because it was the last week before the end of the semester and Christmas break. I think that’s why he may have overdid it with the drinks a bit too but otherwise he is very responsible and ends up looking after me most nights out. 

[FMW]

Do you trust this girl?  If she knew you were his girlfriend and if he really had tried to kiss her, why did she fall asleep on him later?  Were other friends around that might have witnessed it that you could ask?

 

Either it didn't happen, or if it did and he doesn't remember it, he has a serious drinking problem that will be a big issue for your relationship in general.  

 

  

 

 

[preraph]

No no no no. Blacking out as opposed to passing out is a legitimate sign of true alcoholism. Blacking out means you don't remember what you did. Just because he's not drinking everyday yet doesn't mean he won't at some point, plus he drove like that. 

 

I was a lush when I was young and I drink so much, and I never once forgot what I was doing or had done. He's either an alcoholic who can't drink without blacking out or he's a liar and just using that for an excuse. Either way you have a problem.

[sishjoshi]

41 minutes ago, Scarlett.O'hara said:

What would have happened he hit on someone willing?  You know the answer, he would have had sex with her.  Most likely without a condom, then "forgotten" about it until she threatened to tell you.  My guess is this is the reason he confessed to making a move on her and passing it off as being too drunk to remember.  I think he was scared you'd find out. 

 

Nice friends don't make a habit on falling asleep on their friends boyfriends, especially when the guy keeps trying to makes moves on her.  You avoid them like the plague!   The story doesn't add up.  I don't buy that it was innocent on either side.

 

Also, what on earth is he doing driving a woman home alone when he is so drunk he can't even recall what he did that night?  He could have killed someone.  This guy is showing seriously bad judgement.  My instinct is that they went back to her place to have sex.

 

Even if you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, the fact that he continued making moves on her (drunk or not) would be reason enough to kick him to the curb.  

Hi, my boyfriend wasn’t driving, she lives near the club in town so he just walked her home (he doesn’t live far either, just a ten min walk) and so he thought he’d drop her home, and plenty of our guy friends who are also in relationships have done this before and it’s been fine. He would never have sex with a person like that, especially someone who he says is like a sister to him. Also I know he was thinking about me when he left to drop her home because he messaged our other friends to look after me and make sure I get back to his safe. 
I don’t think my boyfriend would ever really cheat tbf. It may have just been a misjudgment on both their behalfs but we will never know and I guess I have to live with that. 
He doesn’t know if he’s made moves and if he thinks he hasn’t then I got to give him the benefit of the doubt. I just wish there was a way to get past this and not have it on my mind 

[sishjoshi]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

No no no no. Blacking out as opposed to passing out is a legitimate sign of true alcoholism. Blacking out means you don't remember what you did. Just because he's not drinking everyday yet doesn't mean he won't at some point, plus he drove like that. 

 

I was a lush when I was young and I drink so much, and I never once forgot what I was doing or had done. He's either an alcoholic who can't drink without blacking out or he's a liar and just using that for an excuse. Either way you have a problem.

he definitely doesn’t have an alcohol problem but has gone to the GP because his memory has genuinely not been the best in these recent weeks. He forgets days even when he’s sober which has caused him to worry that he’s seeing a doctor. We’re both medical students and would NEVER do anything to jeopardise our future careers like that. 

[sishjoshi]

11 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

Do you trust this girl?  If she knew you were his girlfriend and if he really had tried to kiss her, why did she fall asleep on him later?  Were other friends around that might have witnessed it that you could ask?

 

Either it didn't happen, or if it did and he doesn't remember it, he has a serious drinking problem that will be a big issue for your relationship in general.  

 

  

 

 

she’s meant to be one of my close friends but in recent weeks she hasn’t been herself. Whenever she gets drunk I’ve noticed she gets very touchy and always talks about wanting to get with guys. I feel as though her mind was already thinking about guys and that’s where the misunderstanding might come in, thinking my bf was leaning in to kiss her when actual she was just perceiving it as that as she always thinks about boys when she’s drunk. Also I recently set up her ex (she broke it off because she wasn’t feeling it) who is also one of my closest guy friends with one of my other friends and they are now dating. She is aware of this and when she was drunk, told her ex that she still wanted to f*** him. I’m not sure how it got to that situation with my bf and I may need to ask my bf about if he drinks alcohol just casually as well as I don’t see him every day. Thank you for your response 

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You say he sees her as a sister, but he has tried to make a move on her multiple times in less than a week.  That doesn't sound very brotherly or indicative of someone who wouldn't cheat.  If it's true, he was actively trying to cheat when he was drinking.

 

If you suspect she is making all this up for some reason, then why would he believe it if it isn't true?  Wouldn't he tell her it's ridiculous, that he sees her as a sister? Instead he is acting like someone guilty of cheating.  It's just hard to imagine how someone who doesn't remember anything was in any fit state to take her home, either in a car or walking her there.   From an outside perspective it's a bit suspicious and worth questioning further so you have all the facts and feel more comfortable.

 

You can choose to forgive him regardless, just make a point to establish some boundaries with  opposite sex friends and alcohol.

[dramallama]

4 hours ago, preraph said:

Sounds like he's a black out drunk alcoholic. They're the ones who don't remember what they do at all and do things they wouldn't do sober. So to be quite Frank your problem is bigger than him kissing a friend. your problem is he has a bad substance abuse problem and needs to totally stop drinking because blacking out like that is a sign of a bad alcoholic. 

 

Actually..... as someone who used to get blackout drunk occasionally I did a lot of research into this and if your blood alcohol spikes to a certain point you stop recording short term memories - you can be behaving quite normally. It doesn't make you an alcoholic to experience blackouts.

 

If he's getting this drunk all the time, yes that's an issue; but I used the DrinkAware app to learn about my drinking and learnt it was specific types of alcohol that would trigger a blackout when I hadn't eaten enough. So perhaps that's something he can do - get the app, learn how alcohol affects him, and modify his behaviour accordingly. He needs to do it for HIM not you though - otherwise you become the nanny / mother and that will damage your relationship.

Edited December 21, 2019 by dramallama
clarification

[sishjoshi]

4 hours ago, Scarlett.O'hara said:

You say he sees her as a sister, but he has tried to make a move on her multiple times in less than a week.  That doesn't sound very brotherly or indicative of someone who wouldn't cheat.  If it's true, he was actively trying to cheat when he was drinking.

 

If you suspect she is making all this up for some reason, then why would he believe it if it isn't true?  Wouldn't he tell her it's ridiculous, that he sees her as a sister? Instead he is acting like someone guilty of cheating.  It's just hard to imagine how someone who doesn't remember anything was in any fit state to take her home, either in a car or walking her there.   From an outside perspective it's a bit suspicious and worth questioning further so you have all the facts and feel more comfortable.

 

You can choose to forgive him regardless, just make a point to establish some boundaries with  opposite sex friends and alcohol.

 

3 hours ago, dramallama said:

 

Actually..... as someone who used to get blackout drunk occasionally I did a lot of research into this and if your blood alcohol spikes to a certain point you stop recording short term memories - you can be behaving quite normally. It doesn't make you an alcoholic to experience blackouts.

 
as you guys mentioned “blackout drunk” I ended up doing my own research and I’m not here to justify what my bf did/didn’t do but I read when in such a state, it can severely effect your judgement and disregard others feelings and even cause a change in personality! Like mentioned above, a person who is at blackout can still function however. 
my bf told me the day after when we woke up that he doesn’t even remember how he got home. I think he also just automatically believed what she said because he has no recollection of the memory himself and just believed what others said. Some things even she said doesn’t add up and has told different stories to different people. We tried to re-enact it but he still didn’t remember anything. He himself doesn’t believe he could do this but doesn’t have an alibi for himself and can only rely on one person’s drunk perspective of the event. I do still trust my boyfriend when he’s sober but less so when he has drank. 
I have spoken to him about this and hopefully he will stop drinking so much so that something like this doesn’t happen again. 
whatever his intention, I know he feels terrible and told me he never wants to drink again or see our friend again. I think can accept this and move on. Thank you everyone for your contributions 
 

Edited December 21, 2019 by sishjoshi

[smackie9]

Forgive him, but set some rules/boundaries. No more excessive drinking would be #1. Don't tell him, but if he does something like this again, this is breakup worthy.

[Lost33]

I think your bf truly cares about you as he told you and was emotional, to me it would be worse if he knew something and purposely hid it. I would give him the benefit of the doubt but I would also set some boundaries/changes due to this. You mentioned he views her as a "sister" sometimes people develop feelings in those type of relationships. I would just set a boundary that he isn't to walk or drive any women home when he is alone, if it's a group then OK or with you, but don't allow him to put himself in that position again when it could happen. Then try to cut back on his alcohol if he gets past a limit of being too drunk, create a code word or something for you to hint at him he should slow down on the drinking so it's not embarrassing to him around others.

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, sishjoshi said:

Also I know he was thinking about me when he left to drop her home because he messaged our other friends to look after me and make sure I get back to his safe. 

 

This makes no sense.

Why didn't he suggest to his friends to walk the girl home whilst he came and attended to you?
My guess he needed to know where you were, and to make sure you were out of the way, so he could safely pursue his intentions with this other girl.
Have you spoken to her? I suggest you do so face to face so you can see her reaction.

[Mrin]

I've been around the block a few times so here are my thoughts:

 

1) your BF should really limit his alcohol consumption. It doesn't agree with him and blackouts = bad

 

2) because your BF will cheat or attempt to cheat on you when he's blackout drunk. Big surprise there. Not. Sooner or later he will be successful.

 

3) your boyfriend doesn't want to cheat on you when he is sober. So don't get blackout drunk.

 

4) if he's missing days or hours when sober, he has something else neurological going on. Prescription drug interaction perhaps. Definitely investigate. 

[Anonymous Guy]

Sounds to me like she’s interested in him and is trying to either cause friction between you both or trying to get a reaction out of him. I.e spark a sexual conversation whilst sober to see if there is any interest.

 

the fact that he he told you pretty much straight away and was so emotional tells me that he has no interest in her. That or he was confused about it at first but now knows that he doesn’t like her.

 

id trust him. I don’t agree with all these comments about him having a drinking problem. At the end of the day, people are allowed fun and we have no context on why he went out on a Monday and a Wednesday. Did he have work the next day? Are you guys students? 

[preraph]

I'm hearing a lot of excuses being made for the bf and the friend.  No wonder they weren't afraid of trying it.  

[carhill]

13 hours ago, sishjoshi said:

I just wish he would remember but all I can try to do is forgive and try to move on. It’s so difficult, how do you move on from a  situation like this?? 

Presuming you're young, this is all part of gaining experience. You've been together a year, I didn't see a wanton horndog history related and apparently both he and the lady were pretty intoxicated and neither has high ground for any clear memory of their interaction. It's entirely possible it never happened. You can accept the ambiguity of the situation, enact some relationship boundaries for you/he, and move forward. If he's a normal man, he's kissed women, had sex with women, just like with you. If you're young, more than likely you won't be life partners and he'll be with other women after you. Neither he nor you are chattel, another's property. You're both free and independent humans. You're deciding to associate. You can change your minds at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all, just because you feel like it. Sucks, but that's reality. Enjoy the now. Might be a good time to discuss appropriate alcohol and other substance use in the relationship. Good luck!

[kendahke]

On 12/20/2019 at 11:47 PM, sishjoshi said:

my boyfriend isn’t an alcoholic, he’s quite responsible with his drinking

except when it comes to hitting on your friends... alcohol just loosens up inhibitions that were already there, so I wouldn't keep investing in this "shining armor" spin you've got going on dude.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think your boyfriend is full of equine manure. 

 

It’s quite convenient that he forgot both occasions. Now he’s trying to sell you the story that he’s got memory loss when sober as well. Personally, I think he’s simply back-pedaling and looking for excuses to spin for you so he doesn’t have to take responsibility for what he’s done. 

 

My guess is that either she threatened to tell you herself, or she told someone else and your boyfriend was afraid it would get back to you and he tried to beat them to the punch. 

 

Either way, I don’t buy that he was innocent in this. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If you have to ask yourself "How do I move on from a situation like this?" the simple answer is that you do not.

[Inspire]

In most of your responses you've defended him, so are you trying to convince us or yourself? If you do have mutual friends, why didn't they walk her home or better yet, why didn't you go with them?

 

On 12/20/2019 at 9:44 PM, sishjoshi said:

I was planning to go back to his house after Wednesday night but he went to drop off one of our very drunk friends (girl) to her house and then come back. So I went to his house without him and with some of his housemates since we’re all good friends.

 

So how long did it take him to get home Wednesday night after he walked her home?

 

On 12/20/2019 at 9:44 PM, sishjoshi said:

the next day after I go home, he messages me saying he’s outside my flat and wants to speak to me about something.

 

Right after that your story goes into the next day. So did he come home that night? What happened? The events after his return home that evening would be IMO extremely relevant.