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I enjoy being the OW

ElecLibre

By ElecLibre,
in The Other Man / Woman

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Tristian
Message added by Tristian

Those looking to discuss the morality of infidelity or their personal opinions on those that find themselves in that sort of relationship  are encouraged to do so in an appropriate thread, or if need be they can start their own in the appropriate forum.

Posts along those lines will be considered off topic here.

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mark clemson

mark clemson

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, ElecLibre said:

I've taken all the feedback constructively, but It's interesting to see how many people are on this forum thread specifically focused on the OW/OM but don't seem to have much empathy for us. Perhaps the people out there enjoying their affairs aren't lurking on this forum I guess ;)

 

You're an adult and will make your own decisions. The other posters generally are as well (I assume - don't know them personally) and don't necessarily feel a need to "coddle" you, particularly those themselves were BSs. Also you're not indicating you're in emotional distress.

 

No doubt there are many people out there enjoying affairs in one way or another. Like many things, affairs tend to be "fun" until they aren't anymore. It seems many folks seem to wait until they're in distress before feeling a need to post here for advice.

 

Generally, affairs are not ethical since deception of a relevant party is (by definition) involved. To be fair to you, it seems like one can hardly conduct a business transaction these days without poor ethics being involved. From excess packaging to hidden fees to fine print, selling and misuse of personal data, etc, etc. It's an ubiquitous human problem generally.

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Plenty guys are workaholics and see themselves as providers first and foremost, doesn't mean they don't care.

I never met the husband or talked to him, but she told me she tried and tried to initiate sex. The few times she was able to get him interested, it was just a wham-bam, thank you mam ordeal.

 

The husband would wander into work on his days off, he wasn't an owner or even a manager.  He just didn't want to be home with his wife. 

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
17 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why mess up a little family?

The OP isn't messing up anything, its his choice to stray...  And if not the OP,  it would be another woman.

 

Obviously there is something missing for this guy at home, so he feels the need/desire to stray outside of the marriage.

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Starswillshine

Starswillshine

Posted
Posted
11 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

The OP isn't messing up anything, its his choice to stray...  And if not the OP,  it would be another woman.

 

Obviously there is something missing for this guy at home, so he feels the need/desire to stray outside of the marriage.

Something is missing IN THIS GUY, not necessarily the home/marriage. 

 

The OW always needs to own their part in aiding a family being torn apart. If we all operate with the mindset that it isnt my responsibility, this world would become an extremely cruel place. 

 

Furthermore, I believe there tends to be something lacking in people who sign up to be the "other." A lot of women get cheap thrills and ego strokes out of having a man destroy their vows for them. Except one day, they learn that they were used and nothing special about them. 

 

It is all sad. And lots of people get hurt. Pretty sad state when someone does not care that another person and worse yet, a child can get hurt by their actions. 

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BaileyB

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
35 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Something is missing IN THIS GUY, not necessarily the home/marriage. 

 

The OW always needs to own their part in aiding a family being torn apart. 


I couldn't agree with this more. 
 

If not for this woman, it may well be another... Regardless, it doesn’t absolve this woman from her decision to participate in an action that is hurtful to another woman AND CHILD. 

Edited by BaileyB
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Piddy

Piddy

Posted
Posted (edited)
11 hours ago, elaine567 said:

She doesn't need to go that extreme, plenty single guys out there looking for fwbs or NSA sex or casual short term relationships.
Why mess up a little family?

 

What she needs to tell these FWBs / NSA sex / casual sex guys is this.  Right up front say look, I'm only interested in you for sex until the velcro stage is over (typically 3 months) .  Once the cloud 9 feeling is over, I'm out of here.

 

  I'm sure guys would be line up for that.  No strings attached sex for 3 months and on to the next guy.  Not looking for love, only sex.  One caveat, no married guys.  😎

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropriate comment.
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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, Piddy said:

 

What she needs to tell these FWBs / NSA sex / casual sex guys is this.  Right up front say look, I'm only interested in you for sex until the velcro stage is over (typically 3 months) .  Once the cloud 9 feeling is over, I'm out of here.

 

  I'm sure guys would be line up for that.  No strings attached sex for 3 months and on to the next guy.  Not looking for love, only sex.  One caveat, no married guys.  😎

 

Maybe it's not enough of a challenge.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropriate quoted comment.
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ElecLibre

ElecLibre

Posted
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@Piddy i see your point of view expecially because I haven't given more than a paragraph explaining my situation. I'm not sure how it works for you but to be open to sex I need to feel a certain attraction to someone, there has to be the desire. Unfortunately we don't choose who we are attracted to, it's all hormones and pheromones. I didn't go into this knowing he was married, it's just something I learnt once we got closer but at that point we were already longing for each other. 

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Something is missing IN THIS GUY, not necessarily the home/marriage.

I need to qualify that I've never been married, but I have dated a lot of women and been in a few long term relationships.

 

As long as I was getting my needs met and the woman didn't make my life difficult, I stuck around.  If the woman I was dating turned into a shrew or withheld sex to manipulate me, then she was replaced.

 

I was dating this one woman that was kind of "plain Jane" (she was just average looking, nothing to write home about), but she made sure she took care of my needs and didn't burden me (with) or demand anything extreme; so all was good.

 

I do have a tendency to believe if everything was hunky-dory at home, the guy (in this scenario) would not stray.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, ElecLibre said:

I didn't go into this knowing he was married, it's just something I learnt once we got closer but at that point we were already longing for each other. 

 

That's the point at which most women would bow out.  It doesn't matter how attracted you are.  We are all like that. Nobody wants to have sex with someone they are not attracted to, so your attraction for each other is not unique to your situation.  It isn't a reason to have an intimate relationship with another woman's husband.

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Piddy

Piddy

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, ElecLibre said:

@Piddy I didn't go into this knowing he was married, it's just something I learnt once we got closer but at that point we were already longing for each other. 

 

OK, here's a hint.  First thing you look at is his hands. 😉 If he's wearing a wedding ring back off.  Seriously, some of us have experienced the hurting end of cheating.  I can tell from personal experience that it is the worst emotional feeling I've ever experienced in my life. 

 

Your relationship is not going to end well.  You're playing with fire and someone will get burned.

Edited by Piddy
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ElecLibre

ElecLibre

Posted
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Posted
1 minute ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

 

That's the point at which most women would bow out.  It doesn't matter how attracted you are.

 So why is there a whole section on this forum with thousands of posts concerning affairs? If "most women" bow out, this wouldn't be such a common "problem".

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted
Just now, ElecLibre said:

 So why is there a whole section on this forum with thousands of posts concerning affairs? If "most women" bow out, this wouldn't be such a common "problem".

 

This is one tiny little sliver of the internet, not representative of even a fraction of the world's population.

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ElecLibre

ElecLibre

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I seem to have struck a nerve here and really didn't mean to come across as insensitive when I posted this. As I mentioned, I'm new to this forum and was just curious as to why there were so many negative experiences. I can see many people have been hurt in the past and I really don't want to push into that more.

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Piddy

Piddy

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, ElecLibre said:

I seem to have struck a nerve here and really didn't mean to come across as insensitive when I posted this. As I mentioned, I'm new to this forum and was just curious as to why there were so many negative experiences. I can see many people have been hurt in the past and I really don't want to push into that more.

 

You sound like you're an empathetic person with the above post.  Why no empathy for his wife and kids?  Cheaters typically think with their genitals instead of their brains.  Once the velco / cloud 9 stage ends with this guy, will you call it off or are you in it for the long haul? 

 

Stop the selfishness and go get your sexual gratification where no innocent people can get hurt.

Edited by Piddy
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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, ElecLibre said:

I seem to have struck a nerve here...

I think some people believe that the husband should just put his junk on ice, have no sex and just deal with it.

 

Life is short and sex is fun.  I can understand that maybe a husband doesn't want to turn his whole life up-side down, get divorced, be an every other weekend Dad,  and support two households.  So he makes the decision to get his sexual needs met on the side...

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mark clemson

mark clemson

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, ElecLibre said:

 So why is there a whole section on this forum with thousands of posts concerning affairs? If "most women" bow out, this wouldn't be such a common "problem".

 

I think it's fair to say that most women bow out most of the time. There will be those that don't either once or a few times for whatever reason(s). And some very small percent who have a fetish or psychological "need" for husband-stealing.

 

Perhaps I'm stating the obvious but in a world of 3+ billion women, if even say 5% of women do this once, there is, for practical purposes, an unlimited stream of OWs. I will go out on a limb and suggest that it's substantially higher than that, perhaps on the order of 20-30% of women who cheat or have an affair at some point in their lives. But that's completely just a guess.

 

So, "most women bowing out" can certainly leave a LOT of women engaged in affairs.

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Piddy

Piddy

Posted
Posted (edited)
21 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I think some people believe that the husband should just put his junk on ice, have no sex and just deal with it.

 

Life is short and sex is fun.  I can understand that maybe a husband doesn't want to turn his whole life up-side down, get divorced, be an every other weekend Dad,  and support two households.  So he makes the decision to get his sexual needs met on the side...

 

You mean he wants his cake and wants to eat it too? 😮  Sounds like a selfish bastid to me.  Yeah, put me in the camp where you are faithful in your marriage.  Otherwise go to your spouse and discuss an open marriage. 

 

If she's not up to getting a little dick on the side for herself then leave the marriage.  Because you no longer have a marriage, unless your vows consisted of things like lying, deceit and betrayal.

Edited by Piddy
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BaileyB

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
47 minutes ago, ElecLibre said:

 Unfortunately we don't choose who we are attracted to, it's all hormones and pheromones. I didn't go into this knowing he was married, it's just something I learnt once we got closer but at that point we were already longing for each other. 

 

No, we do not chose who we are attracted to, but we most certainly chose who we decide to get naked with...

 

This is the point where your head overrules your heart and says - “hold up here. This guy is married and he has a child. I don’t want to be complicit in hurting another woman, taking time and attention away from this child and putting the stability of his nuclear family at risk.”

 

Just because your hormones are buzzing does not mean that you lose all common sense or personal responsibility. If people made decisions based on emotion and not logic, we would all be a total mess, all the time. 

Edited by BaileyB
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Starswillshine

Starswillshine

Posted
Posted
13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I think some people believe that the husband should just put his junk on ice, have no sex and just deal with it.

 

Life is short and sex is fun.  I can understand that maybe a husband doesn't want to turn his whole life up-side down, get divorced, be an every other weekend Dad,  and support two households.  So he makes the decision to get his sexual needs met on the side...

I think the mistake you are making here that husbands cheat only because their wife isnt putting out or us a prude. This simply is not true. 

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted
9 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I think the mistake you are making here that husbands cheat only because their wife isnt putting out or us a prude. This simply is not true. 

 

In fact, it is rarely true.  Usually it's simply a case of needing their ego stroked by someone new. 

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
9 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

...husbands cheat only because their wife isnt putting out or us a prude.

If he was getting filet mignon at home, why go out...

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mark clemson

mark clemson

Posted
Posted (edited)

No doubt that is often true. As we have often discussed here, there's no real way to know what % of MOMs are genuinely unhappy vs looking for validation and willing to take it further. There are also those presumably who don't really want/need the ego boost but enjoy mostly the extra sex.

 

Edit: Post was a response to CO, above.

Edited by mark clemson
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BaileyB

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
Just now, Happy Lemming said:

If he was getting filet mignon at home, why go out...

 

Oh dude... to blame the wife for the poor decisions of the husband is really disappointing...

 

As has been said so many times on this board, if he is unhappy  in his marriage or the wife is “lacking in her performance” in any way... he has the right to file for the divorce. Period. 

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mark clemson

mark clemson

Posted
Posted (edited)

Definitely true. But if he's attempting (unethically) to duck the difficult consequences of a divorce...

 

Seems like this debate has done the usual full circle here.

Edited by mark clemson
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