I enjoy being the OW

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

4 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Seems like this debate has done the usual full circle here.

 

Groundhog Day! (Tried to post an image, didn't work lol)

Edited December 23, 2019 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[heartwhole2]

I don't think it's on women to safeguard other women's marriages because boys will just be boys. But I think it's worth exploring why you get bored in relationships and why you only enjoy the beginning. Falling in love does involve all sorts of fun hormones, and the illicit nature of an affair keeps those pumping longer and stronger than in a traditional relationship. But I'm wondering . . . are relationships simply transactional for you? What if they were transformational instead?

When you have a committed relationship with someone not because it feels fun and good for you, but because sharing your life with a friend or lover is a beautiful thing . . . when you are loyal and giving for the sake of the person you love, not for yourself . . . this is when your heart will grow like the Grinch's and you will experience something that doesn't fade.

You're not destined to get bored with relationships your whole life. It sounds like you have some growing up to do, and that's not something that's the product of time . . . it's the product of consistent effort. Is there something deep inside of you that is afraid of vulnerability and rejection?

To me, being a single woman having an affair with a married man is illogical and self-defeating because this person is broadcasting his entitlement, his duplicity, his immaturity, etc. And you act like his worst characteristics are a turn-on, so you're going to create a vicious cycle where you reinforce them. Yes, there's a wife and child, and ideally you'd be the sort of person who strives to make the world better, but maybe you're not, and a few words on the internet aren't going to change that. But if you need the relationship to be secret and forbidden in order to enjoy it, what does that say about you? And do you like what it says?

[central]

1 hour ago, Vespil said:

 

You're trespassing.

 

 

Trespassers will be violated. Willingly.

[RecentChange]

It sounds like for whatever reason you have a hard time connecting on an emotional level romantically - hence the inability to form long lasting relationships.

 

So, you basically have a F#"@ buddy relationship with a married man 

 

This might work out fine for you as long as you continue to not need emotional intmacy in your life.

 

And if you continue to not mind being a low priority in his life, available for sex when it's convenient for him, as it's going to be more complicated for him to find time - he has other commitments that come before you.

 

For many people - they do not enjoy this second fiddle position in the long run. Many people want someone to love, someone that makes them the #1 priority in their lives. Someone they can enjoy social events with, proudly introduce to their parents etc.

 

A cheater will never be that person, and the mistress is usually delegated to the shadows like a dirty secret.

 

But - again, if all you want is sex on their schedule - perhaps you will be content with that.

 

I have cheated with a married man, but I was married as well. We both had relationships so all we wanted from each other was some exciting sex.

 

I could never be content as a single other woman, because I desire more depth in a relationship - if all I had was a married FWB I would want more.

 

Perhaps you don't want more in your life romantically. 

[ElecLibre]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

But I think it's worth exploring why you get bored in relationships and why you only enjoy the beginning. (....)  But if you need the relationship to be secret and forbidden in order to enjoy it, what does that say about you? And do you like what it says?

Wow that was a very insightful post, thank you. I appreciate your effort in trying to understand the situation rather than being judgemental. It definitely has given me some food for thought, just need to spend some time exploring these questions. Thank you. 

[Piddy]

ElecLibre,

 

You sound like a decent person who is using poor judgement.  How old are you?  The reason I ask is there may be a biological reason for making this bad decision.  The brain is not fully developed until the mid to late 20's.  And the part that isn't fully developed is the frontal cortex.

 

  That's the part of the brain that determines judgment, decision making, impulsiveness, pleasure etc.. Not trying to give you an excuse, but some people make bad decisions when they're young,  but as they mature they use better judgement.  Now if you're in your 30's or older, then there are no excuses.  😉

 

Sorry if I was a little harsh on you, but I have strong opinions regarding this subject.  Good Luck......... 🙂

Edited December 23, 2019 by Piddy

[Starswillshine]

6 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

If he was getting filet mignon at home, why go out...

Because sometimes, you might just want a burger and fries. Or possibly lobster. 

 

Or the man's ego is so darn fragile having only one woman will never do. 

[jah526]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Because sometimes, you might just want a burger and fries. Or possibly lobster. 

 

Or the man's ego is so darn fragile having only one woman will never do. 

Mine was like that. But if you know that about yourself why get married in the first place? That’s deception from the get-go.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 minute ago, jah526 said:

Mine was like that. But if you know that about yourself why get married in the first place? That’s deception from the get-go.

 

I think a lot of people in affairs (or willing to be the side piece) lack this self realization.

[DKT3]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

 

Oh dude... to blame the wife for the poor decisions of the husband is really disappointing...

 

As has been said so many times on this board, if he is unhappy  in his marriage or the wife is “lacking in her performance” in any way... he has the right to file for the divorce. Period. 

I agree, but for whatever reason it seems to be acceptable for woman after woman to come here a post that very thing about her husband being at fault for thier affair.  Why do it seem only a couple of us attempt to hold them accountable. 

 

OP, I see a bigger issue in you that keeps you seeking these types of relationships.  I dont think you get bored,  I think you get scared. Could be because you had no real example of what a healthy relationship looks like, could be you fear commitment,  could be you run before you get hurt. I think over time the idea of MM makes more sense for you. That way it's not really possible to advance the relationship,  give you a viable escape route no matter what. 

 

The problem is beauty fades, at some point these MM will find you less appealing and your opportunity will reduce greatly.  Despite what so many seem to think life is long, its really long when you're alone. 

[BaileyB]

Get bored, get scared... whatever the reason, I do agree that you need to figure it out. For without self awareness, we are lost. 

[Artdeco]

On 12/21/2019 at 4:53 AM, ElecLibre said:

I've been reading though this forum to get an idea of other people's experiences in affairs, and it seems that there are many women who feel negatively about being the OW. My MM and I have been flirting for less than a year and started having sex a couple of months ago. He never pretends that he doesn't love his wife and he has always said that he would not leave his family so it's been very clear from day 1. I am satisfied with this situation - I love the moments we share and I'm happy not having to commit to him to enjoy his company. Are there others on this forum who have similar experiences? It would be nice to read some "positive" stories too!

it worked for me ... like you, I wasn’t ready for or interested in a committed relationship at that point in time ..... and then i met him, and it was all good for many years ...... no issues 

 

so yes - it can work, if that’s what you’re looking for ...... if you’re looking for a relationship, obviously that’s not what you’re getting from him. 🤷🏼‍♀️ You seem to have accepted this, so I don’t think “tough love” or harsh words are needed here. You sound neither naive nor delusional. Good luck! 

[ElecLibre]

10 hours ago, Piddy said:

How old are you?  

...

Sorry if I was a little harsh on you, but I have strong opinions regarding this subject.  Good Luck......... 🙂

Turning 30 soon, maybe still developing the frontal cortex then! 
No need to apologize, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and feelings and I admit I didn't give enough depth to my personal story for you to feel empathetic with me. I really didn't expect this response initially, it was more along the lines of what @Happy Lemming and @Artdeco posted. But I guess I should have known better, especially cause many people on this forum have been through some tough times. 

 

4 hours ago, DKT3 said:

could be you fear commitment,  could be you run before you get hurt. I think over time the idea of MM makes more sense for you. That way it's not really possible to advance the relationship,  give you a viable escape route no matter what. 

 

I wasn't planning on going into my personal story too much when posting this, but yes, this is nothing new to me: I definitely have been surrounded by negative relationships and from childhood I never believed in "happy ever after", more like "just pretend to be happy because it doesn't get better than this". I don't believe in love, I believe it's all about convenience, and having a safety net. I'm not afraid of being alone, I never have been - on the contrary, I'm happiest when I'm disconnected from the world, left alone with my own thoughts. Partners are there just for the thrill and the urges which are natural, but I don't need them to feel whole. For me, "alone" and "lonely" are two very different concepts. I'd much rather be alone and satisfied than feeling lonely in a relationship. It's not really about fear, more like not willing to compromise - this will perhaps change the day I meet someone who will take me as I am. As stated previously, I have tried, but both times I committed fully to someone, after the 3 year mark I would start feeling trapped and craving "freedom".

Edited December 24, 2019 by ElecLibre

[Happy Lemming]

16 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Oh dude... to blame the wife for the poor decisions of the husband is really disappointing...

Well in my case, (yes) I do blame the husband.  If he would have paid attention to his wife and "touched" her once in a while, she would not have sought out a lover.

 

No problem, though... I very much enjoyed his wife!!  She was quite happy and satisfied in my bed and so was I.

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, ElecLibre said:

For me, "alone" and "lonely" are two very different concepts.

Same here... Except for a brief period of time, I've lived alone all of my life.  I've never felt lonely.

 

I was very nomadic in my youth (by choice).  I very much enjoyed moving around and experiencing various areas by living there 1-2 years, then moving, again and again and again, etc.  I'm positive there is a nomadic gene in my DNA.  Short term relationships were pretty much my norm, so a relationship with a married woman "fit the build" perfectly for me.   I think my "married woman" also had a touch of my "nomadic gene" in her, she envied my lifestyle.  Who knows what would have been if she had not gone back to her husband for that (one last try), perhaps she would have found her true happiness being nomadic and adventurous with me.

 

Everyone is seeking his/her "true happy"...

[ElecLibre]

14 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I very much enjoyed moving around and experiencing various areas by living there 1-2 years, then moving, again and again and again, etc. 

 

I can definitely relate, I have moved around a lot, have experienced different jobs and different cities all through my 20s by choice. The moment I get too comfortable I seek out the next experience. I guess it explains how this then relates to my relationships, and I understand that for people who don't have this need for change and who pursue stability and growth in couples, this can be hard to understand. Funnily enough, in highschool my pseudonym writing in the school journal was Nomad ;) Thanks for sharing your story and experience @Happy Lemming

 

 

[stillafool]

Like I said in the beginning you have the wrong forum because you are happy in affairs where most OW here are struggling to let go.  There are forums where women like you are together to support cheating.  One thing I want to point out to you is whether you realize it or not this man is already in your blood and that is the reason you're on this forum and probably others talking about him.  If it were just sex and you weren't attached you would see him, have the sex and not think anymore about this situation until you hook up with him again.

[Piddy]

5 hours ago, ElecLibre said:

Turning 30 soon, maybe still developing the frontal cortex then! 
No need to apologize, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and feelings and I admit I didn't give enough depth to my personal story for you to feel empathetic with me. I really didn't expect this response initially, it was more along the lines of what @Happy Lemming and @Artdeco posted. But I guess I should have known better, especially cause many people on this forum have been through some tough times. 

 

 

 

 

I was over the line with my hooker comment.  It was meant sarcastically, but was over the line.  Again, I'm sorry if I offended you.  And I still hope you'll reconsider dating married men. 🙂   And for anyone who thinks an affair such as ElecLibre is involved with isn't just about the sex, then watch how long he sticks around if she withheld sex.  

Edited December 24, 2019 by Piddy

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, ElecLibre said:

The moment I get too comfortable I seek out the next experience.

 

Yep... you've got it (that nomadic gene in your DNA).  You can't beat it... Its like this little voice that keeps telling you to move.  You get antsy and restless.  Its like a little itch at the bottom of your foot that won't go away.

 

I'm 54 and I still have that little voice screaming that it is time to "pull up stakes" and move again, but I'm trying to tell it to be quiet.  I still may have one last move in me, who knows.

 

Either way, enjoy your life, have some adventures, move around, listen to that little voice (at least for a while).

[ElecLibre]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 the reason you're on this forum and probably others talking about him.

 

The reason I'm here is actually because I would have never in my wildest dreams think I'd end up in this situation - it's not something I pursued or aimed for yet here I am not feeling guilty about it. A couple of years ago if someone had suggested this situation to me I would have brushed it off immediately. This is how I ended up of this forum, curious to see how common this situation really is. I see from the general response that it's probably not going to end well - no matter how great it seems right now and I'm grateful for all of your feedback, both positive and negative. We live to learn. 

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Like I said in the beginning you have the wrong forum because you are happy in affairs...

How so... I didn't see that in the forum rules.

 

Show me in the forum rules/guidelines that states you can't speak happily about an affair...

[Tristian]

Just to clarify. All views are welcome here on LS so long as they are given respectfully and are on topic for the thread. That includes those that are content in their unconventional relationships.

 

Being the holiday season I will forgo doing a whole thread review for off topic content from the usual suspects.. Your welcome.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

5 hours ago, ElecLibre said:

 For me, "alone" and "lonely" are two very different concepts. I'd much rather be alone and satisfied than feeling lonely in a relationship. It's not really about fear, more like not willing to compromise - this will perhaps change the day I meet someone who will take me as I am. As stated previously, I have tried, but both times I committed fully to someone, after the 3 year mark I would start feeling trapped and craving "freedom".

 

Then I can see what a married man is safer for you.  He will never have the expectation that you will want a forever/full time/committed relationship because he will never give it.  

 

I get it.  I'm an introvert, too, and love being alone.  I never get lonely because I never get bored.

 

However.  I think what most of us are asking you to consider is the other woman and child.  You are not accountable to them, true. You did not make vows to them.  He did and he is the one betraying them.  But they are human beings, and so are you, and I personally feel that we should do our best on this earth to care about one another.  

 

Merry Christmas. 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

How so... I didn't see that in the forum rules.

 

Show me in the forum rules/guidelines that states you can't speak happily about an affair...

What I meant was and correct me if I'm wrong, there aren't any threads supporting affairs on this forum.  Where are the happy OW here who people are cheering on?  What I see are OW who are struggling to get out of their affairs and people are encouraging them to do it so they can turn their life around.   Why wouldn't OP and you for that matter (if you are a happy OW/OM) want to feel what you're doing is normal and not be judged or encouraged to stop?

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, ElecLibre said:

 

The reason I'm here is actually because I would have never in my wildest dreams think I'd end up in this situation - it's not something I pursued or aimed for yet here I am not feeling guilty about it. A couple of years ago if someone had suggested this situation to me I would have brushed it off immediately. This is how I ended up of this forum, curious to see how common this situation really is. I see from the general response that it's probably not going to end well - no matter how great it seems right now and I'm grateful for all of your feedback, both positive and negative. We live to learn. 

It doesn't go well for OW who don't stay in their place but end up falling in love.  You said you usually get bored quickly and move on so I don't see this as your situation.  Most OW end up wanting that man and become jealous of his life with his wife.