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I enjoy being the OW

ElecLibre

By ElecLibre,
in The Other Man / Woman

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Tristian
Message added by Tristian

Those looking to discuss the morality of infidelity or their personal opinions on those that find themselves in that sort of relationship  are encouraged to do so in an appropriate thread, or if need be they can start their own in the appropriate forum.

Posts along those lines will be considered off topic here.

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elaine567

elaine567

Posted
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I believe the only OWs that are truly happy, are those who only want and manage to sustain a fbuddy/ friends with benefits arrangement with a MM
The OP seems to be one of those but at only 2 months in and posting on here, I doubt the situation is really that uncomplicated. 
Time will tell.
In order to pull it off, she also needs a risk taking, no fear side to her personality, maybe a naive, maybe a submissive, maybe a narcissistic mentality.
Empathy for others is a foreign concept or needs to be put on the back burner and she needs to adopt a thick skin and feel as long as she is happy then who really cares about anyone else... Compartmentalisation is the name of the game.
Not everyone can do that. Feelings and ego get involved, stress heightens, misery ensues...

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SincereOnlineGuy

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
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On 12/23/2019 at 11:40 PM, ElecLibre said:


Turning 30 soon, ...

 

I wasn't planning on going into my personal story too much when posting this, but yes, this is nothing new to me: I definitely have been surrounded by negative relationships and from childhood I never believed in "happy ever after",

 

 

Well, you newly arrived to an anonymous online forum and with it you afforded yourself the freedom to share your personal story anonymously in a scenario where it is highly probable that others can help you connect the dots between specific aspects of your early life story and your stated feelings of today.  When else will you create that sort of 'freedom' for yourself  to better learn how you evolved to be here in this place  as you near age 30??

 

"Turning 30 soon" means that your supposed sexual peak  remains ahead of you, and IF by chance you became better convinced as to how the past effected the present then maybe you just might find the way to wean yourself off of  OW scenarios and find one individual who just might (surprise you, with regard to the future).

 

 

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pepperbird

pepperbird

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On 12/23/2019 at 4:59 PM, ElecLibre said:

Wow that was a very insightful post, thank you. I appreciate your effort in trying to understand the situation rather than being judgemental. It definitely has given me some food for thought, just need to spend some time exploring these questions. Thank you. 

Are you afraid of getting too close? Does part of you not like being in that sort of vulnerable position? After all, if  you keep that "wall" up between you and them they can't hurt you. Are you happy like this, or do you want a deeper connection?

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Redhead14

Redhead14

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On 12/23/2019 at 7:24 AM, ElecLibre said:

 It's interesting to see how many people are on this forum thread specifically focused on the OW/OM but don't seem to have much empathy for us. Perhaps the people out there enjoying their affairs aren't lurking on this forum I guess ;)

I'd like to hear how you feel when you discover that you are not the only "other woman" or replaces you with another one . . . ;)

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ElecLibre

ElecLibre

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6 hours ago, pepperbird said:

Are you afraid of getting too close? Does part of you not like being in that sort of vulnerable position? After all, if  you keep that "wall" up between you and them they can't hurt you. Are you happy like this, or do you want a deeper connection?

 

Yes perhaps it's fear based but I honestly don't crave deeper connections. I am truly satisfied at the moment (life in general, not only because of the affair) and don't feel that anything is lacking for me to feel happier. 

 

4 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

I'd like to hear how you feel when you discover that you are not the only "other woman" or replaces you with another one . . . ;)

 

He has mentioned another woman he's interested in, it really doesn't matter to me honestly, he doesn't owe me anything apart from safe sex.

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stillafool

stillafool

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On 12/23/2019 at 1:30 PM, Happy Lemming said:

I think some people believe that the husband should just put his junk on ice, have no sex and just deal with it.

 

Life is short and sex is fun.  I can understand that maybe a husband doesn't want to turn his whole life up-side down, get divorced, be an every other weekend Dad,  and support two households.  So he makes the decision to get his sexual needs met on the side...

No he needs to be single and stay that way, and never marry.  There are plenty of women willing to have a baby without marriage if he's only in it for a kid.  To cheat on a marriage partner is immoral and unfair.  Why would you consider exposing his wife to sexually transmitted disease and okay thing?  Also I guess you consider it fair that the betrayed spouse is living an unknown lie and doesn't have the choice to be with a man who actually wants only them.

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jah526

jah526

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59 minutes ago, ElecLibre said:

He has mentioned another woman he's interested in, it really doesn't matter to me honestly, he doesn't owe me anything apart from safe sex.


Hopefully you’re using condoms with him every time, and hopefully you are aware that condoms don’t protect against all STDs all the time. They only make it safer.  But at least you have the benefit of knowing he’s sleeping around and can protect yourself accordingly, unlike his wife.

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mark clemson

mark clemson

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I'm not going to judge you, although I too point out the ethics of the situation. You might not care or wish to change the situation. However, you might consider looking up attachment styles/attachment theory as to why you're so comfortable with a taken man.

 

It will be interesting (for you) to see if you continue to like him IF he starts making overtures of a life together (often called "future faking" as it usually doesn't materialize). Everyone's little bit different.

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RecentChange

RecentChange

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All's well that ends well.

 

Generally your best case scenario will be the wife starts to sense something is a miss, and the husband quickly cuts ties with you. 

 

A text to never contact him again and it's done. Easy peasy.

 

Worst case? She finds out and doesn't go lightly - instead tries to blow up your world like she feels you blew up hers. Slander on social media, maybe show up to your place of work and make a huge scene. Perhaps show up at your place. Cops called, screaming in the street, all that fun stuff.

 

Doesn't always happen, but it DOES happen. 

 

Affairs - the excitement is tied to the risk. Don't deny yourself that there is a risk to you, even though you aren't the married one.

 

Honestly, I knew married men who prefer to cheat with married women - that way they are both fully invested ok keeping things as hush hush as possible. To them, single women are seen as riskier because they do not fully weigh what is at stake.

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Starswillshine

Starswillshine

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2 hours ago, stillafool said:

No he needs to be single and stay that way, and never marry.  There are plenty of women willing to have a baby without marriage if he's only in it for a kid.  To cheat on a marriage partner is immoral and unfair.  Why would you consider exposing his wife to sexually transmitted disease and okay thing?  Also I guess you consider it fair that the betrayed spouse is living an unknown lie and doesn't have the choice to be with a man who actually wants only them.

I wonder if he would think it is also fair for the wife to eventually find a new lover when eventually his junk wont rise to the occasion? 

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Hip Pocket

Hip Pocket

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I’ve enjoyed my long term affair. We’ve been together more than a decade, less than two, and it’s been great. We had some bumps early in the road but we’ve ironed those out and have a really great relationship now. 

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Prudence V

Prudence V

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On 12/21/2019 at 9:53 AM, ElecLibre said:

I love the moments we share and I'm happy not having to commit to him to enjoy his company. Are there others on this forum who have similar experiences?

I also enjoyed being the OW. At some point though we fell in love and wanted to together full time. Then it got a bit messy as divorce takes ages in the U.K. and we didn’t want to wait... but we’ve been very happily married now for more than a decade, so it all ended well. 
 

Enjoy it while it’s fun, and reassess it if you stop enjoying it. You have only one life. 

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Hip Pocket

Hip Pocket

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On 12/26/2019 at 3:50 PM, Starswillshine said:

I wonder if he would think it is also fair for the wife to eventually find a new lover when eventually his junk wont rise to the occasion? 

My MM could no longer rise to the occasion at home which is why he sought me out and we both found out it works perfectly fine for us! 

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Artdeco

Artdeco

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23 hours ago, Prudence V said:

I also enjoyed being the OW. At some point though we fell in love and wanted to together full time. Then it got a bit messy as divorce takes ages in the U.K. and we didn’t want to wait... but we’ve been very happily married now for more than a decade, so it all ended well. 
 

Enjoy it while it’s fun, and reassess it if you stop enjoying it. You have only one life. 

Our A turned into a serious relationship as well, and I honestly miss those affair days sometimes, when everything was easy, and I had my “free” days and weeks (depending on what our schedules looked like)......it was an adjustment for sure to turn this “loose relationship“ into something different 
 

BTW I totally disagree that being married as an OW would be easier. It would probably give me a heart-attack to juggle two relationships. Being a single OW is wayyyy less stressful. 

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stillafool

stillafool

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So I want to ask all of you OW who are  happily in an affair, who do you turn to for support of this?  Most people like to talk to others about those they date, who do you talk to?

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Artdeco

Artdeco

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I talk/talked to the people I trust. Friends for the most part. But also some family members. Are you asking this because you think people are judgmental? Or for another reason? 

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DKT3

DKT3

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All ow/mw enjoy being in thier affairs or else they would not be in affairs.  The difference is dealing with the fallout of the affair itself.  Those who dont struggle with being in affairs are likely more selfish and less empathetic towards the victims of their actions.  Those that are less selfish and more empathetic struggle with the internal battle of balancing their enjoyment vs the guilt. 

 

Most in affairs are just decent people making poor decisions,  some are just not good people. 

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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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1 hour ago, Artdeco said:

 I had my “free” days and weeks (depending on what our schedules looked like).....

 

Yes... 100% Agree!!  I was working on a fixer-upper home (on my "free" days) when I wasn't at my day job.  On days when my "married woman" wanted to have sex, she would just come over.  Most of the times, she'd bring dinner and drinks with her.  No date planning, no researching parking, worrying about dress code for where we were going, none of that. She'd just pop over & have great sex.

When we did go out of town, she did all of the planning and we took her 4X4 (which was GREAT!!)

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stillafool

stillafool

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59 minutes ago, Artdeco said:

I talk/talked to the people I trust. Friends for the most part. But also some family members. Are you asking this because you think people are judgmental? Or for another reason? 

I'm just wondering who supports you because people are so judgmental about affairs.  At least you have friends who are not but I think most people's friends judge them whether they realize it or not.  I imagine it would be a very lonely life if you don't have people you can confide in.

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Artdeco

Artdeco

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5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm just wondering who supports you because people are so judgmental about affairs.  At least you have friends who are not but I think most people's friends judge them whether they realize it or not.  I imagine it would be a very lonely life if you don't have people you can confide in.

Yes, so this is definitely a legit point and thanks for bringing it up. I’m usually not a person who holds back around ppl I trust. But I’m also not a person who thinks my life is so important that I have to share everything with everyone. I do place great importance on good, close friendships. And unfortunately, over these many years of being with my exMM and now partner, I have lost a few friends. It’s sad, but if you consider someone a friend you don’t want to lie to them. I don’t. Not about my romantic life, not about anything, really. And if they turn their back on you and talk smack about you behind your back, and you shouldn’t have trusted them in the first place - then you learn a lesson. That’s all par for the course I suppose. It hurts at first. I couldn’t believe it. But at the end of the day, they weren’t friends. They had to leave my life at some point. I just didn’t know it until it hit me. And their behavior definitely didn’t change my life plan. Or my romantic life decisions. 
 

I am blessed to still have real friends that I can trust. And now I can tell the difference between friends and “friends”. Lesson learned. 

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ElecLibre

ElecLibre

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3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

 No date planning, no researching parking, worrying about dress code for where we were going, none of that. She'd just pop over & have great sex. 

Yes, yes and yes! It's just so great to not have to worry about those things. 

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'm just wondering who supports you because people are so judgmental about affairs.

Like @Artdeco, I'm not one to talk too much about my personal life with my family in general. They didn't even meet my last boyfriend. I did mention it to my two best friends who didn't judge me at all, their main concern what that I shouldn't get hurt by getting too attached. I don't really need much "support" since I'm not feeling disturbed by the situation.

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Hip Pocket

Hip Pocket

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9 hours ago, stillafool said:

So I want to ask all of you OW who are  happily in an affair, who do you turn to for support of this?  Most people like to talk to others about those they date, who do you talk to?

I don’t really feel the need for support as it’s such a lovely relationship which is in and of itself very supportive. 
 

So you’ve got me wondering who you turn to for support, seeing you feel that everyone needs support for their relationships. 

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Beentheretoooften

Beentheretoooften

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My former single AP claims during our 10 year A she never told anyone.   I think I believe her because of what was at stake. 

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Poppy47

Poppy47

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On 12/23/2019 at 11:24 PM, ElecLibre said:

 

Yes, he has a son. I understand both your points of view even though I disagree. I have made no commitments to his wife or son so why should I be the one to be held accountable for his actions? 

 

Definitely no competition going on there, if anything she's "winning" because he's made it clear that she comes first.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you - I hope you can get back from this, stronger than before.

 

I've taken all the feedback constructively, but It's interesting to see how many people are on this forum thread specifically focused on the OW/OM but don't seem to have much empathy for us. Perhaps the people out there enjoying their affairs aren't lurking on this forum I guess ;)

If his wife were to find out, his marriage could be irrevocably harmed.. It could leave the child in the middle of a marital mess. His wife could be badly hurt. Whether you agree or  not you are complicit.

If he is discovered, it will most likely be yourself who is held responsible, not the MM.  That can get very messy too.  

Why don't you do some work on yourself and find out why you cannot handle a long  term relationship, rather than risk being responsible for a lot of unhappiness.

Cheers,

Poppy.

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