Baffled about feelings I have for my boss, what should I do???

[Anonymous Guy]

Need some advice...

I am gay and have been in a relationship with my fiancé for almost 3 years. We are quite open sexually and have lots of fun without eachother and with eachother etc, but we are both happy with this arrangement.

 

Anyway, I’m not posting to discuss that element of my life.

 

I started a new job about 6 months ago and since the beginning I had always had an eye on my new boss (I.e. he’s a good looker). He’s about 20 years older than me. 
 

When I first met him, he gave off a very strong “gay vibe” and I was slightly interested but that was quickly shelved when he told me he had a girlfriend.

 

Anyway, flash forward a few months and there’s a work function (obvs with lots of alcohol involved). I find out he’s bi and he starts talking a tad bit sexually but other colleagues are around and nothing more happens. 
 

Then we have our Christmas function earlier this week and we end up meeting these two people that don’t work with us. There are also points where we are left alone to chat and the conversation becomes quite intense sexually and there’s definitely a lot of tension. The conversation becomes very sexual and we talk about things that are completely inappropriate between work colleagues, never mind with your boss. Essentially we admit to liking eachother but nothing happens from there.

 

The next day I didn’t see him and we won’t until after New Years because we’re both on leave.

 

I can’t stop thinking about that night though and what could’ve/might have happened. I’m confused. Do I like him sexually or is it more than that. If it was only a sexual attraction, surely I wouldn’t be overthinking it this much? I absolutely love my fiancé but this has just made me completely question everything.

 

I text my boss a few days later explaining how I feel and asking him what he’d do if he weren’t my boss but he replied with “Sadly I am you boss so I’m going to delete this message and pretend you never sent it”.

 

I feel like that hasn’t answered anything and I just have no idea where to go from here.

 

If he just said, I’m not interested then that would give me the answer I need and I could move on. But for some reason I’m clinging onto this hope that he may like me too and he may be feeling the same way. 
 

I’m going to try and keep my mind off of it whilst we are on leave but I have no idea how things will be when we see eachother again. I can’t just pretend that I never messaged him how I’m feeling and I’m worried things could be awkward between us now.

 

Ive thought about asking him if we can have a chat when we get back just to clear the air but I’m not sure when the most appropriate time to do that is, if it is at all appropriate.

 

Please help... What should I do?

[FMW]

I think his answer was pretty clear.  Whether or not he's interested in you (he probably is or he would have shot you down quickly) he has absolutely no intention of jeopardizing his position at work by becoming involved with an employee.  And/or maybe he values his existing romantic relationship enough to not be willing to risk it either.  Whatever he feels for you isn't important enough to him to take any further action.    

 

You have more than a casual, sexual interest in him so this is a danger to your relationship with your fiance.  Are you willing to take the risk of pursuing this when your boss has made it clear he is not?  

 

Sure it will be a little awkward when you see each other again at work, but unless you pursue further private interaction with your boss it will likely pass quickly.  

[schlumpy]

Remove the obstacle to the relationship which is your job. Find another one. If this is everything you say it is, it will be worth it. 

[preraph]

Sounds like he's mostly dating women anyway, so even if he has some gay leanings, doesn't mean he wants to be in a gay relationship.  He has told you absolutely not and told you not to bring it up again.  So unless you are willing to quit your job, you must not ever bring it up again or continue the flirting.  

[smackie9]

I agree his answer was very very clear...DO NOT GO THERE. IMO you took a very big risk messaging him that. There is nothing more to say about this, he made that very clear, and you need to simply be professional and carry on. Keep in mind when doing stuff like this....these days it's so easy to be charged with sexual harassment when the advances, even messages, are unwanted. He gave you a pass, and I think you should take it.

 

 

[kendahke]

On 12/21/2019 at 9:42 AM, Anonymous Guy said:

What should I do?

don't poop where you eat

 

Quote

“Sadly I am you boss so I’m going to delete this message and pretend you never sent it”.

That is crystal clear English to me; can't understand why it isn't to you---there is nothing here for you and if you keep trying him, you're going to lose your job.  He doesn't want what you're offering.

Edited December 24, 2019 by kendahke

[K.K.]

Just now, kendahke said:

don't poop where you eat

 

I agree. Only had to read the title to know. 

[ExpatInItaly]

There is nothing more for you to do from here, OP. He was very clear in turning down your advances. 

 

You really need to reflect on why you took such a significant risk to not only your job but also your relationship. There is a substantial chasm between you and your boyfriend if you were willing to put it all on the line by sending a message like that to your boss. Are you unhappy in your relationship? Bored? What’s going on there? 

[Daisydooks]

 

I would leave this alone and never mention it again.