New City, Old Relationship

[TwistedFate]

Thanks in advance for any/all advice, the full story is long...but it has been helpful for mw to write out the scope of this relationship

And sorry in advance for my terrible formatting...

 

TLDR: I am moving to the same city as my long-term(4 1/2 yr)ex for an awesome job that I had applied for while we were still together/on the same terms about our relationship. We are meeting for lunch this week, I'm looking to collect my thoughts and approach and how to proceed without making an ass out of myself.

 

Full Disclaimer: I have met someone else who I really like and thought was gonna the my next girlfriend but now have had to leave for this opportunity. This was while at home and we were apart. I feel very capable of finding someone else to love/be loved by, but at the end of the day I have dated enough people to know that my ex girl is my one, I still love her, but her actions have shown a different side, one that scares and confuses me.

 

Info

We're a hetero male/female pair, both the same age. Let's call her Y.

 

Y and I broke up about 4 months ago, while I was the one who brought it on, it was not due to fundamental relationships issues, rather more logistical time and place issues. In fact, we've always got along very well and loved/cared for each other immensely, we've never really broken up, a break for about a week twice but that's it.

 

I'd say the straw the broke the camels back was my unwillingness to move in with her far away from home without any serious job prospects, but I'll go into this.

 

I think a timeline of our relationship will help give a greater context.

 

Year 1: We meet as undergrads, date 2-3 months before we make it official. I've been in a relationship before but I finally feel like I've found someone who gets me. Summer hits and I work for away from Y, we enter a LDR for approx 3 months.

 

I return to school and Y leaves for 4 months (within driving/visiting distance) for a school-related work opportunity, we continue our commitment.

 

Y returns and we continue till years end.

 

Years 2-3:

We both return to school, our relationship flourishes for the 2 years.

During this time (6 months or so) Y graduates a semester early and I ask her to move in together. Y says yes, it's great, we find we are so compatible as coinhabitants. And having each other there daily to love and support while she studies for the Grad School Exams and applications works great for both of us.

 

The year ends, Y has to weigh her options, Y gets into the one top program for her field, and rejected by the better and closer one. Her school is 3-4 hours away by plane.

•  While I'm obviously sad, I support her decision and don't want to hold her back. Y leaves for school.

We stay together and enter begin to enter a 1yr LDR as Y starts grad school and I finish my last semester of undergrad.

 

Year 4:

 

First 4 months

It's tough, but we manage to fly out to one another once a month as I finish school for 4 months and Y starts her 5-year program. Things are ok though, we communicate often on the phone, we always have done this and it is our glue.

• Y's program is in the south, we are both from the northeast, I LOVE MY AREA, I visit but it is just a different way of life, I can't see myself there at the moment and have trouble adjusting when I visit without proper transportation/resources etc, Y knows this.

 

After I graduate this is where things get tricky

I earned my degree in the fall, So when I returned home in January, I began looking for work. I am pursuing a design career in print and editorial, the job market is thin and highly competitive. Many designers don't find "real" full-time work for up to a year if they're lucky

 

Just like what people go through with entrance exams for post-grad, it takes time(and money) to get yourself to a point where you have a clean and polished way to sell yourself by creating marketing materials aka developing a portfolio.

 

During this time Y is constantly asking me to move down with her and look for jobs, I try explaining the situation, she knows its tough but is still fixated on this. I continue to apply to jobs in my area(NYC) and Y's area while taking up a grueling part-time assistant manager job so I can at least get some money together to pay for my portfolio and trips to visit her.

• I have a plan at this point, once I get a solid job, if in my area which pays way better I would travel often to visit. If I landed one in Y's area, I would consider a move given the right opportunity. I desperately want to be there and to love and support her. It's just not working as fast as either of us wants to.

After about 3 months of no job hits, I finally land a part-time design gig, a resume booster! I quit my other job and focus on this, it's near home and I use it as a stepping stone. We're still together things are good, she and I are both busy but we still connect all the time.

 

5 months later

Things are getting tough again, Y is very busy with school and me with part-time work while still applying, neither of us can get to visit for a while.

• At this point, I am extremely frustrated with my job situation, I see no resolution in sight. I am getting no hits down by her and the ones I do get near me forgo me for lack of experience.
• While our communication is still good, it slows down slightly and I get annoyed, I have a lot of time on my hands and she has always been there for me, now she can't due to logistics and her schedule. Our conversations about me moving and finding work bring strain, we try not to talk about it but Y can't seem to let it go.
• I become frustrated I think I'll never find work in her area. This leads to a partial break initiated by me, which ends very quickly after making up on the phone when she calls to say this isn't right, I agree.

 

Y is finally able to visit for a conference in my area and stays with me for the week, we have a great week but by the end, we have a discussion about life and work, it leads to a slightly mutual breakup that is really brought upon by me.

 

My main reasons as we discussed were:

• Even though Y had asked me to move with her for months, I felt obligated to be home and try to get my life together, get some money and try to get myself a good job. I am not one who wants to mooch off others and I felt that even though I wanted to move and be with her I couldn't until I had achieved these things.
• The implications of what moving would mean, we had been together 4 +years at this point, I told Y I wanted to marry her, but I could not in good conscience do so without having some things set up for myself, and more importantly for us. I want to be able to hold my own weight, its important to me.
• I really wanted to have a stable income and establish career path so that I could be the man I wanted to be for her, one that can love and support her while we both work on this next chapter of life together. Without this financial and career stability I felt like I wasn't suitable to marry her.
• I love my area and want to return there someday, her city is not one I was 100% fond off, but I would move for the right job of course. Y agrees and wants to eventually end up back there too, but right now she has no choice.
• I felt like Y's schooling was taking her away from me, I don't think I'm that needy, rather pretty understanding, but at the moment with all the time I had on my hands it felt like I was putting in so much and getting little back
• I didn't want to hold her or myself back, all of this was weighing heavy on us, and I want to see her succeed because I love and care about her, she didn't need these distractions.

 

We still loved each other, that's not why we did this, and ultimately both felt like we were in a right person, wrong time scenario with no foreseeable opportunities. We split but said we would give it time and discuss this in two months.

 

Post Breakup (August 1st-Onward)

Y and I never stopped talking, we texted and called each other very often, trying to make our friendship work. I still applied for jobs in her area, we were still in love, she said to, and I wasn't giving up just yet.

 

About 7 days after she split and left to go back to school, I applied for one last job in her city, it felt like a longshot and I was way underqualified, but it was exactly what I was looking to do.

 

I continued my job search, but had given up looking in her city, focused efforts in mine and started to see results two huge interviews with universities.

 

We remained in relatively constant contact, She was supportive and kind but something was wrong, I had told her that this split was stupid, I wanted to be with Y and that we can work through this. Although Y was supportive, she was fixated that although it wasn't what she or I wanted. "This is unfortunately the right logical decision and that we would talk at the end of the two months"

I conceded and let it go although it was a constant source of pain.

 

September

It's almost time to talk, at this point Y had called once mid September very upset about everything, with no foreseeable job in sight, I remained steady for Y's sake and said that this is for the best, and told her I'd always be there for her, had some food delivered to her and called it a night.

 

I tell her I want to talk sooner, Y keeps pushing it back.

 

Her texts have started to grow cold, I can feel it. But she's much different on the phone, this gives me hope.

 

October

I can't wait any longer, A few days into the month and a few things happen.

• I called and blew up, I couldn't take it any longer. I told Y I loved her and I cant see a future without her, I was willing to work through this. That I had let my pride and low self-esteem get to my head, and that I set my goals so high that I didn't even realize until, now that I was getting interviews thanks to my part-time design work, that I was taking the right steps to be where I wanted.
• Y responded very negatively to my emotions, basically shut down and couldn't even respond, said she loved and cared about me, but it was too late. Our conversation went nowhere, Y went dark, for what I assume was to protect herself but it seemed so odd, it wasn't like her at all, it was like something flipped.
• *I say I don't know if we can ever be just friends...*I regret this even though it is the truth

 

That very next day I received a nod for a phone interview for the job in her city.

 

The Day after the phone interview, they offered to fly me down for a lengthy interview.

 

Later that week I called, I told Y about the phone interview, not about the in-person, I asked what she thought, "I don't know it would kind of make me uncomfortable if you got it", this crushed me**.**

 

Although we still talked and called, things slowed down, per her request, while everything was still emotional.

About a week later I flew down for the interview. I told Y that day I would be around for the interview, and if she wanted to eat quickly before I left, I sent it before I got on the plane. Once I got off I saw she was enthusiastic at first, but 2 hours after the first yes, she sent. "It's not a good idea, it's too soon"

I said ok, I went on my interview and gave it my best foot forward, I had a whole presentation based on a brief they sent me, I wasn't gonna let this job pass, its what I always wanted to do and had put too much work into it.

Y never wished me luck, this crushed me again.

Later that week it's my birthday, Y calls we talk, I don't say much about the interview, she doesn't care to ask much about it anyway.

Next week I am offered the job, I reluctantly take it pending salary negotiation.

• At this point I had no option, this is legitimately a dream job doing interdisciplinary design work for a large scale university and a huge step in my career. I shouldn't have gotten the job, but by some will, I had, and after 8 months of searching. It was just a bonus that the pay was incredible too.

Y calls one last time, I say they haven't told me yet although I have had the offer for a week now.

The month comes to a close, our communication is rather non-existent. aside from a song rec here and there.

 

November

Our communication picks up a little bit, 1 week I call to shoot the s***, and she'll call the next, but her calls are rather directed, she wants info on the job. I politely avoid the subject informing Y that while they have offered it to me, I'm still waiting on HR. Y is cold, her response minimal, we both find a way to get off the phone as fast as possible.

I don't receive any congrats, this crushes me again**.**

Y continually checks in about the job, Still waiting on HR.

This continues, by thanksgiving I cave, I call and fess up, I took the job. I don't know when I start, although I do.

I finally received congrats, it feels half assed**.**

 

December

I arrive, she knows this as she follows me via socials. Y doesn't reach out, I do instead.

Her texts are cold again, I can feel it.

She agrees to meet for dinner/drinks. Wants to discuss "Levels of contact we both want"

My heart sinks, I can't even comprehend what this means. I politely agree. A day later I confirm, and she asks to change it to lunch.

 

And that folks is where we are at now...

As I said, I love her, I still do and always will. My gut feeling is that it's over, we've both hurt each other and I can't figure out where we stand, its been 4 months since we've seen each other last in person. I dont even know what to do, wear, say etc.

 

I feel like I am in a much better, stronger place with my job, apartment and life, but I'm also afraid that something will be missing when we meet.

It seems as if the woman I loved for so long has disappeared without any real or legitimate reason other than distance, and I just want to find out if she is actually still there or not.

 

It felt good to write this out. Hopefully, she's open to starting fresh and finding out if what we had all those years is what still really want.

[preraph]

you're talking about this woman like she's a love of your life and how will you get along and that you didn't even have problems living together, and yet you let the fact that you didn't like the transportation resources down south keep you from going there. Living down south is so much easier and the quality of living is better. It's called a car. You get a car and you take yourself where you need to go. Or you can Uber if you want, but everyone should have a car because there's plenty of places to park and if you have your own place you have a parking place and don't even have to pay for it like in New York City. 

 

I just think you're kind of set in your ways and it seems like for as much as you love her and want to be with her such a small thing to let hold you up. I mean if you can't adapt to a new town then I suppose you could always turn right back around and go back where you came from. 

She's lost respect for you through this. 

 

You can't decide anything before you have this talk with her. I don't know if she's done or not. It sounds like you two were a good couple but I haven't heard her side of it. She might not be willing to give it a try again. But if she is in my opinion you should set your fears aside and give it a go. There's nothing scary about living down south. People are a whole lot more hospitable there for the most part. You might discover you really like it once you get used to change. 

 

Good luck. My advice on your meeting is keep your ears open and really listen and don't contradict what she saying or be sitting there thinking of what you want to say next instead of listening to her because your future rides on really listening and paying attention and hearing her. 

[TwistedFate]

7 minutes ago, preraph said:

you're talking about this woman like she's a love of your life and how will you get along and that you didn't even have problems living together, and yet you let the fact that you didn't like the transportation resources down south keep you from going there. Living down south is so much easier and the quality of living is better. It's called a car. You get a car and you take yourself where you need to go. Or you can Uber if you want, but everyone should have a car because there's plenty of places to park and if you have your own place you have a parking place and don't even have to pay for it like in New York City. 

 

I just think you're kind of set in your ways and it seems like for as much as you love her and want to be with her such a small thing to let hold you up. I mean if you can't adapt to a new town then I suppose you could always turn right back around and go back where you came from. 

She's lost respect for you through this. 

 

You can't decide anything before you have this talk with her. I don't know if she's done or not. It sounds like you two were a good couple but I haven't heard her side of it. She might not be willing to give it a try again. But if she is in my opinion you should set your fears aside and give it a go. There's nothing scary about living down south. People are a whole lot more hospitable there for the most part. You might discover you really like it once you get used to change. 

 

Good luck. My advice on your meeting is keep your ears open and really listen and don't contradict what she saying or be sitting there thinking of what you want to say next instead of listening to her because your future rides on really listening and paying attention and hearing her. 

I think I placed improper emphasis on this point, it is indeed a different way of life down here, and essential to have a car. Something that she is still without and formed my opinion of the city when I had visited for the past year.

 

Really though its more about resources, I had no money, school loans and no job/career prospects, so me moving down here and having 0 independence left me feeling like there was going to be complete dependency on her income(or lack there of) as a PHD student in a 5 year program that provides a less than minimal stipend to live of off.

 

Maybe this better explains the point of stress I was grappling with when I was fighting the urge to just make the move when the main reason was just because its what my heart wanted. I didn't want to put us in a situation where possible stressors could have destroyed our relationship.

 

I agree, she did lose respect for me over this and I think you have provided me with he best advice I've received, I will listen to her.

I still think she wants to give it a shot, but she is afraid, hopefully by putting my ego aside I can really hear what she has been thinking and see if we can move forward.

 

Thank you