Steve40th396 Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 (edited) How do you get past the constant negativity of people saying move on, she has, etc etc? Seems more people are give up and dont want you to try getting back together with ex? Seems like they want the break up to go forward for some morbid sense of feeling good about themselves. Edited December 22, 2019 by Steve40th396 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 The advice to move on is usually given when it's clear to everyone except for the person in question that there is no point in trying to get back together. It's not about giving up or some ego trip about feeling good about yourself - it's about being realistic and not wasting time on trying to get back something that is over. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 3 hours ago, Steve40th396 said: Seems like they want the break up to go forward for some morbid sense of feeling good about themselves. I very much doubt that is true. Most people love happy endings. BUT there is a limit to "positivity". Realism has to play a part. A site like this is about sharing experiences both good and bad and about giving out measured advice, it is not about raising unrealistic hope.. Some hurting people get "stuck", they are so desperate to make it work, they refuse to believe what is patently obvious to everyone else. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wtm78 Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 On 12/22/2019 at 7:18 PM, Steve40th396 said: How do you get past the constant negativity of people saying move on, she has, etc etc? Seems more people are give up and dont want you to try getting back together with ex? Seems like they want the break up to go forward for some morbid sense of feeling good about themselves. Why do you care what people say more than what you think about the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve40th396 Posted January 4, 2020 Author Share Posted January 4, 2020 On 12/29/2019 at 9:59 PM, wtm78 said: Why do you care what people say more than what you think about the situation? Not sure. I guess I am still in love with her and it is depressing to hear people just say move on, find another woman, start over , its for the best. Just discouraging I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 @Steve40th396 Man - I can feel your pain. 4+ months in and I still think about her every day and have gone back to crying every day. And despite working through things with close family and friends and pouring my heart out - I find myself still heartbroken. Maybe it's because she ended it immaturely. Maybe it's also because I spent 2 yrs dreaming of our future together instead of realizing I wasn't being fulfilled or having my needs met in the "here and now". Maybe it's also just the overall sadness and pain knowing I gave so much and go nothing in return and that I've lost so much trying to please others and be the good guy instead of following my gut and also pursuing my own life. How long were you guys together? How long have you been broken up? And look - as others have said - people come to the site from a million different perspectives and backgrounds and experiences. While it can sometimes seem negative or lacking in positive - most of the time posting in one of the dating or breaking-up threads is about people building confidence, learning from their mistakes, growing, or getting other perspectives on a situation - current or past. So take any advice given with a grain of salt! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve40th396 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 4 hours ago, scooby-philly said: @Steve40th396 Man - I can feel your pain. 4+ months in and I still think about her every day and have gone back to crying every day. And despite working through things with close family and friends and pouring my heart out - I find myself still heartbroken. Maybe it's because she ended it immaturely. Maybe it's also because I spent 2 yrs dreaming of our future together instead of realizing I wasn't being fulfilled or having my needs met in the "here and now". Maybe it's also just the overall sadness and pain knowing I gave so much and go nothing in return and that I've lost so much trying to please others and be the good guy instead of following my gut and also pursuing my own life. How long were you guys together? How long have you been broken up? And look - as others have said - people come to the site from a million different perspectives and backgrounds and experiences. While it can sometimes seem negative or lacking in positive - most of the time posting in one of the dating or breaking-up threads is about people building confidence, learning from their mistakes, growing, or getting other perspectives on a situation - current or past. So take any advice given with a grain of salt! We have been together 14 plus years. past two have been on and off separation.. Its real now, signing separation papers next week. Then its no contact unless there is an emergency. Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 @Steve40th396 - Then my friend, it's going to take a long time. Don't run from the emotions - embrace them, process them, cry, scream, find a support group, find a good friend, drink, f***, cry, laugh, cry some more and let things work themselves out. I cannot imagine 14 yrs but you have my deepest sympathy and support. Hopefully things will turn out well for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve40th396 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 Effective next Friday, we will start the no contact phase. She and I spoke, and she said she needs me for friendship and such, but not a husband. Heart is too scorned. But she said the no contact phase may be what she needs to realize how much she needs me in her life, if that makes sense. I think what will happen, we will get divorced, I will rebound, and do to my nature/personality will just date someone, but not be committed fully.. I have a hard time of letting things go. 14 plus years and known her for 30 isnt easy.. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Using another woman to get over her or to salve your grief is not a kind thing to do to a new woman. Please take some time out to go through the grieving process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve40th396 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 14 minutes ago, basil67 said: Using another woman to get over her or to salve your grief is not a kind thing to do to a new woman. Please take some time out to go through the grieving process. I know. I am probably just saying that to make myself feel stronger than I am right now. Link to post Share on other sites
wtm78 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 On 1/4/2020 at 10:11 PM, Steve40th396 said: Not sure. I guess I am still in love with her and it is depressing to hear people just say move on, find another woman, start over , its for the best. Just discouraging I guess. why do you keep asking for what others think about your situation and not do the thinking yourself? is the marriage yours or someone else's? are you just looking for someone to justify what you want? if so, stop. go find yourself and ask yourself the questions you been asking around 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Harsh words, but true from @wtm78. It's okay OP to ask for advice. But at the end of the day you need to own the work of figuring out what went wrong, what you want, and how you want your life to be moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wtm78 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 On 1/9/2020 at 3:18 AM, scooby-philly said: Harsh words, but true from @wtm78. It's okay OP to ask for advice. But at the end of the day you need to own the work of figuring out what went wrong, what you want, and how you want your life to be moving forward. opps.. was i too harsh?? OP, i am going through a failed marriage myself.. the asking for advice is just the bargaining stage of the 5 stages of grief.. in the end of the day, you know yourself and your ex best. no one can tell you what to do or give you a good advise. all our situations are different, personalities are different. and what we want from it all are different.. you got to figure it out what you want to do and stick to it... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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