Improving dating skills by learning how to walk a tightrope

[Phase_shift22]

Greetings,

 

I’m looking to improve my dating skills and would appreciate advice. My post is divided into 3 sections:

 

A) My beliefs on dating

B) My general situation/status

C) My results so far

 

A) My beliefs on dating

Overall, my way-too-oversimplified view is that dating effectively is a mix of rules (i.e. manners, not talking excessively about your ex on a 1^st date) and balancing extremes. The 3 major ones include:

 

(1) Being too nice vs. being a bad boy

This one has been fairly well discussed so I won’t spend a lot of time on it. In this context, I am defining “too nice” as being too helpfull as opposed to being creepy (like bringing flowers and chocolate on a blind date). For me personally, my friends have described me as being more like a dad/brother vs. being a boyfriend.

 

You do need some sense of tease/mystery/intrigue to be attractive. But how much is too much or too little?

 

In a related category, what is a good balance of too available vs. being too aloof? If you are too available, the other person will sense that you are more invested they are (which is a no-no); however, if you are too aloof, they might think you are not interested

 

(2) Being too funny vs. being too serious

Having a great sense of humor is definitely helpful. But too many jokes or too many emojis over text can be seen as trying too hard. When are some good rules of thumb for when to joke and when not to joke?

 

(3) Being too patient vs. being too aggressive

Ideally, I’d like to get to know a person well before telling them I love them/sleeping with them which seems to take too long for me. I will say that the majority of the girls I have met have been more blind dates (online dating/intro’ed through co-workers). For the few girls who have shown a genuine interest in me, they tend to be enthusiastic in the beginning, but by the 3^rd or 4^th date, I am friendzoned.

 

Of course, on the other end of the spectrum are pick up artists or ones seeking one-night stands. I’ve never been into that, but it is useful as a counterpoint, and quite frankly, as advertised, they are more successful than me.

 

What would be a good balance? Should I set hard milestones for dating and be willing to confront the other person if they are not met? Do I need to bring sex sooner than I’d like?

 

B) My general situation/status

In terms of dating, I can be described as a “nice guy” or “geek.” My strengths are my knowledge/storytelling- I like to read and travel, so I have interesting stories to tell. I’m also into tennis, weight lifting, photography, cooking, hiking and swimming to name a few hobbies; those provide good conversation material

 

My weaknesses are not being able to be “romantic,” (friends have described me as being a robot at times), making first impressions/social mechanics (coming off as a “dork” rather than a “geek”), my appearance (I look too young, and I’m on the slender side) and not exuding enough confidence.

 

My strategy up until now has been to compensate for my weaknesses using my personality and knowledge to show what I would have to offer romantically.

 

I would hope that I could make modifications to my approach rather starting from scratch. I’d rather not become a Cassanova, because that “way” is not a strength of mine, although should I rethink that? (it would take a lot of time/effort to do that). If not, what modifications can I make?

 

Also, any suggestions as to what I should/should not talk about in the first 3 dates (i.e. when to ask what they are looking for in a relationship, what their dealbreakers are, etc.)

 

C) My results so far

As hinted earlier, not great. I’ve tried various things like online dating, going to interest activities (hiking or photography club), being set up by co-workers, etc. but that hasn’t really worked out.

 

The people who have been interested usually cool off within the first few weeks. I honestly think I’m more at fault, because they were willing to give me a shot, and I just didn’t make the grade.

 

When I have had relationships, it felt very one sided until ultimately leading to a breakup.

 

If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading my long-er post, and any input you could provide would be welcomed.

[Foxhall]

You have interesting stories to tell- so that is a good starting point,

 

not going to respond to all your questions- but in general I think the more humour you can bring in the better, 

 

you have to be flexible- adapt your approach depending on your perception of what the date is after, play it slow or fast depending on  the situation, rather than having a rigid set of rules,

 

Personally Ive preferred a slower approach also (nowadays anyway), getting to know a lady gradually,

I think you will only have romantic connections with a small amount of the people you date, particularly if your not going after one off sexual flings and so on, therefore dates not progressing and becoming friend zoned are just par for the course really, it does not happen overnight for everyone

 

maybe try a few little things like at least touching hands briefly during the date, compliment her appearance two or three times, try a kiss at the end of the first date if things have gone well,

 

 dont be afraid to show her you are male,they like a bit of boldness too in their man, they dont want a shyboy, they want that bold side to come out.