How did I end up in this mess

[Unhappy fool]

I am currently involved with a married man - we’ve been friends for over 20 years and 3 years ago it crossed the line into more.

 

ive been with my husband for more than 20 years ( around 6 years ago a medical condition meant we could no longer have a physical relationship) 3 years ago my husband left as he said he wanted to try out the single life.  I turned to my friend for support and over 4 months or so it turned into more.   My husband came back and we agreed we’d co-parent our child and whilst we cared for each other it was platonic 

 

as you can imagine there’s a whole lot that’s gone on in the three years.  The typical highs and lows of an affair.

 

in the last few weeks I’ve had some things go on, a family member injured in an accident,  health issues for me and some problems with work and difficult financial decisions.  This week has made me realise how he cant support me - yet he could before!    I told him

I was upset about my family member  and had stuff on my mind/needed to talk and run stuff by him.  He said he’d call- he didn’t , the next day he text to say he was busy but would call - he didn’t.  The same happened 4 days running 

 

I follow his rules about what I can

and can’t do, yet here I am sad lonely whilst he’s planning a wonderful Christmas  

 

 

sorry this is so long- I’ve cut out massive chunks of the lows of the last 3 years 

[FMW]

Unlike you and your husband, it's unlikely he has the same "platonic" agreement with his wife.  With the holidays he's probably very busy with family things and doesn't have time to be available to you.  That's what you've signed up for if you're involved with a married man.  He's not always going to be there for you emotionally or physically.  You are not his top priority, so regardless of how much you need him at any given time he very likely may not be there for you.   

 

If you want your life to be better you need to reconsider your choices - both staying in a platonic marriage and being involved with a married man.  Neither are likely bring happiness and your current distress isn't surprising under the circumstances.  

[Unhappy fool]

In the beginning I suppose I fooled myself into thinking they weren’t sleeping together - as time goes on I realise they  most probably are.  How right you are and it’s very simplistic he can’t be there for me when I’m upset as he’s busy with her.  

 

it’s breaking my heart thinking of them together at Christmas, we can’t have any contact during  and I feel incredibly sad and jealous ( I know I have no rights at all he’s hers not mine) 

 

when it’s amazing it’s amazing but I’m starting to realise a pattern of once he’s got his fix he backs off for a bit.   
 

i feel

hurt, used unwanted and like a silly teenager chasing someone who can’t or will not be with me. Yet I cannot walk away 

Edited December 22, 2019 by Unhappy fool

[FMW]

You'll walk away when you've had enough - enough of the heartbreak and feeling of being unwanted.  Everyone has their breaking point - you just haven't found yours.  I hope you reach it soon.  After the holidays he will probably pop back in again and have time for you.  Remember how you're feeling right now when that happens and don't get lulled into thinking everything is ok.  

[BaileyB]

I can’t imagine being in a relationship where we can’t be together/have contact over the holidays. Seriously, if you can’t fully enjoy life together, of what purpose is the relationship?

[Unhappy fool]

9 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

You'll walk away when you've had enough - enough of the heartbreak and feeling of being unwanted.  Everyone has their breaking point - you just haven't found yours.  I hope you reach it soon.  After the holidays he will probably pop back in again and have time for you.  Remember how you're feeling right now when that happens and don't get lulled into thinking everything is ok.  

 

it’s crazy if I look at what I’ve become waiting for a text a sign we’re ok.  If he messages my mood lifts - If he doesn’t reply or doesn’t message/phone my mood is low.

 

I cry and my heart hurts  when he tells me he’s done stuff with her and the kids, when they go away for holidays/go Christmas shopping/go watch their child’s concerns 

[Unhappy fool]

There are rules around contact of when I can message or phone.  Much stricter ones of when I can see him.

 

but I am absolutely definitely not allowed to message when he’s home or during time he’s away from work 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Unhappy fool said:

I cry and my heart hurts  when he tells me he’s done stuff with her and the kids, when they go away for holidays/go Christmas shopping/go watch their child’s concerns 

Well, of course they do - because they are a family. She is his wife, of course they have sex... and plan Christmas gift for their children, and visit the in-laws, and plan holidays together. That’s what families do.

 

You have somehow convinced yourself that he is yours, when in truth you are the one interfering in their marriage. You are sleeping with another woman’s husband. 
 

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh. But, you need to consider the reality of the situation because that’s the only way that you can change it. If you stay, you are accepting whatever time and affection this man offers, knowing full well that he is otherwise committed to another man and his children. You need to ask yourself, why are you willing to settle for so little? Surely, there is a man you can find who can give you the love and affection you seek AND be his one and only partner in life. 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Unhappy fool said:

There are rules around contact of when I can message or phone.  Much stricter ones of when I can see him.

 

but I am absolutely definitely not allowed to message when he’s home or during time he’s away from work 

Of course not. You are to remain hidden, no threat of discovery. 
 

He is in full control and you are to assume your role - make yourself available to him, at his convenience, and how dare you ask for anything more...

 

Affairs are at their very nature, an imbalance of power. And in this relationship, he has all the power. He makes all the rules. 
 

You have convinced yourself that what little he offers you is somehow enough. And therein lies the sad reality of the situation. Are you not worth more?

[Unhappy fool]

At the beginning he said he would leave her that we had this amazing thing that was special and I made him happy.  I waited and after a few months I questioned when this would happen- he said we had to stop as he couldn’t leave her, if it was just him and her he would’ve been gone yesterday.  He said he couldn’t leave his daughter, didn’t want to share birthdays and Christmas etc.  He wanted to tuck her in every night.  He asked me hang on a few months and he would figure it out.

 

six or so months after that he said his mum would be devastated and couldn’t do that.  His job was built on him being a respected family man and he couldn’t share custody with his child.  I told him I loved him and how upset and angry I was that I was now in deep and he wasn’t going to leave.  
 

yet 2 years on I’m still in it.  We meet a few times a month, text every day  but only during his working hours( not when he’s on leave or Sundays).  It’s breaking my heart but he means the world to me.

 

when my brother was seriously injured in an accident I was desperate to call him, wanted his support to  tell him what happened and how scared I was.  Yet I knew I couldn’t as he’d be at home 

Edited December 22, 2019 by Unhappy fool
Typos

[BaileyB]

Again, you needed the man in your life and you couldn’t call him because... he was with his wife. Are you prepared to settle for this for the rest of your life?

 

Because, my friend, read these boards... they are cluttered with women who believed men who said “what we have is special, I would leave my wife except... for my child, my mother would disapprove, the divorce would be too expensive, we have a trip planned, it’s Tuesday, I want to pay off my car loan first, I am waiting for my child to graduate, I need to finish this project, I need to talk to my best friend, etc...” Hear what I’m saying? It’s all BS. And yet, women buy what they are selling because “When we are together, it feels so good. He makes me feel special...” My friend, he is in the business of making you feel special. That’s what keeps the sex flowing. It’s tried and true. 

 

But, as you have learned, the days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months, and the months turn into years... And he continues to live the good life with his family, while you suffer... waiting... alone... for his attention... while the best years of your life are essentially wasted... waiting for something that will never, ever happen. 
 

my friend, if you are not even allowed to text outside of work hours, there is not a hope that he is going to leave his wife. 

Edited December 22, 2019 by BaileyB

[Unhappy fool]

As I have scrolled through the posts here I realise that my situation is not unique- that the can leave because of x y and z are used time and time again.

 

when he’s wanting to see me, when he’s phoning and texting he says wonderful things makes me

feel so special.  I’ve never had much self confidence, but he makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. 
 

Until recently I thought he must think me amazing and wonderful to want to voyage on this physical journey together where we try out all this new stuff -  on the last occasion (I saw him last week) i thought I bet you’d never ask her to try that- you respect her.  
 

The day he told me he was going away in the summer for an amazing 5* holiday, excitedly telling me the places they were to visit the excursions they had planned the first class flights and the little surprises he planned for his children - I put the phone down ran to the bathrooms in work  and vomited.

 

sorry I’m jumping back and forth in time - my head is so muddled 

[BaileyB]

That shows you where his head and his heart are though - with his family. 

 

I’m sure you are a very special woman, I don’t mean to say anything less... but, when he tells you those things, one must assume based on the restrictions he has placed on the relationship that his primary motivation is to get you into bed. Answer this, would you have sex with the man if he didn’t make you feel special, and desired? 

 

No, he likely doesn’t do those things with his wife, or maybe he does... regardless, she shares his name, his home, his children, his holidays, etc... While he has clearly placed you in the box as his affair partner - sharing little more than the physical.

 

With this understanding, does that seem like a relationship that will meet your needs long term?

[Piddy]

35 minutes ago, Unhappy fool said:

As I have scrolled through the posts here I realise that my situation is not unique- that the can leave because of x y and z are used time and time again.

 

when he’s wanting to see me, when he’s phoning and texting he says wonderful things makes me

feel so special.  I’ve never had much self confidence, but he makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. 
 

Until recently I thought he must think me amazing and wonderful to want to voyage on this physical journey together where we try out all this new stuff -  on the last occasion (I saw him last week) i thought I bet you’d never ask her to try that- you respect her.  
 

The day he told me he was going away in the summer for an amazing 5* holiday, excitedly telling me the places they were to visit the excursions they had planned the first class flights and the little surprises he planned for his children - I put the phone down ran to the bathrooms in work  and vomited.

 

sorry I’m jumping back and forth in time - my head is so muddled 

 

The only way out for you is to go cold turkey.  Cut him out of your life and move on.   You're always going to be second banana.  Speaking as someone who was cheated on, I'm not a fan of what either of you are doing. 

 

Your'e never going to be first in his life and he has no reason to end things with you.  He loves the side sex and the attention you give him.  You're the one who has to end it, or live in misery for the foreseeable future.  You'll go thru hell for a little while, but you're already living a kind of hell anyway.  

 

I know this sounds harsh, but you chose to put yourself in this predicament.  You're the only one who can extricate yourself out of it.  You know this is always going to be an unhealthy relationship.  Start thinking with your brain and stop listening to your heart.  The fantasy is over and real life has set in.

 

  Unfortunately this was never going to end well for you.  Good Luck.......

Edited December 22, 2019 by Piddy

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Unhappy fool said:

Until recently I thought he must think me amazing and wonderful to want to voyage on this physical journey together where we try out all this new stuff 

 

I’m sure he can not believe his good fortune, he has a woman with whom he can explore his every fantasy who is available at his convenience and follows all of his rules without question...

[Unhappy fool]

I need to gather some strength the obvious says end it.  You are nothing more than the one who boosts his ego, I make him feel desired and fulfil his wishes on demand.  I have to cease to exist, cease to have feelings and  needs ( emotionally) when he is busy or with his family.  
 

I know I must feel slightly different about the dynamics as I am here. One of the wake up points was when he forgot my birthday- I didn’t want a gift or even a card.  A phone call wishing me a happy birthday would’ve made my day.   When I told him it upset me he forgot again- he said I made him feel bad and wouldn’t contact for a while.  So I relented and told him it wasn’t important and that birthdays meant nothing to me.  
 

 If I end it I know he will say he’s respects my wishes and will never contact me again.  What if only I’d have hung on a little longer,

long enough for him to fall in love with me and realise he can’t be without me.  What if I jump to soon

 

[BaileyB]

It’s been two years, how much longer are you prepared to wait for this man to fall in love with you and decide to leave his family? 
 

If the past is any indication of the future, it’s not going to happen. He has put very clear boundaries around your relationship - to protect his family. And, when you step out of line and demand more - like a call on your birthday - he withdraws contact to punish you and puts you back in your place (assuring him that you do not need a call, thus re-establishing his control of the relationship and your subservience). 
 

These boards will say, if a man is going to leave he will do it quickly. He doesn’t maintain the status quo for two years and then decide one day to upend his life, give half his financial resources to his wife, and lose custody and the respect of his children (and friends and family). Even if he does leave, the road is hard and very few relationships succeed. 

 

besides, let’s say he ends his marriage and professes his undying love... do you really want a man who has proven that he will lie and betray his wife and children for two years? You have the knowledge of who this man truly is - how could you ever trust him not to do the same to you? 
 

 

Edited December 22, 2019 by BaileyB

[Irn-bru]

15 minutes ago, Unhappy fool said:

I need to gather some strength the obvious says end it.  You are nothing more than the one who boosts his ego, I make him feel desired and fulfil his wishes on demand.  I have to cease to exist, cease to have feelings and  needs ( emotionally) when he is busy or with his family.  
 

I know I must feel slightly different about the dynamics as I am here. One of the wake up points was when he forgot my birthday- I didn’t want a gift or even a card.  A phone call wishing me a happy birthday would’ve made my day.   When I told him it upset me he forgot again- he said I made him feel bad and wouldn’t contact for a while.  So I relented and told him it wasn’t important and that birthdays meant nothing to me.  
 

 If I end it I know he will say he’s respects my wishes and will never contact me again.  What if only I’d have hung on a little longer,

long enough for him to fall in love with me and realise he can’t be without me.  What if I jump to soon

 

I’ve been the man in his situation, his treatment of you is deplorable. He’s emotionally abusing you and you deserve better. I came to realize that the OW I was seeing deserved a whole lot better than I was able to give her. I didn’t have rules like he has. I was available 24/7, though talking on the phone wasn’t always doable at certain times of the day. 

 

I hate to say it, but he won’t fall in love with you. A man that treats you the way he has, doesn’t care about anyone but himself. I have a ton of regrets from my experience, but I know I at least cared, loved and respected the other. He’s really treating you very badly, you deserve so much better, believe me. He’s not worth the heartache and mental anguish he’s causing you.

[Unhappy fool]

Thank you BaileyB for being so honest.  The statement ‘the truth hurts‘ is sadly true.

 

I spend my time wishing and waiting till he contacts me, till he wants to see me. Checking my phone... I realise how tragic that sounds I’m 40 years old for goodness sake.

 

I suppose I just told myself that one day... one day it’d all be ok.  When he’s in contact it’s the most heady amazing feeling I’m happy and alive.  The flip side is devastating where I cannot sleep nor eat.  I question why I am not good enough, why is she better.  He can’t surely feel all the amazing things he says he feels about me and him and not want to be with me?  
 

 

[Unhappy fool]

4 minutes ago, Irn-bru said:

 

I’ve been the man in his situation, his treatment of you is deplorable. He’s emotionally abusing you and you deserve better. I came to realize that the OW I was seeing deserved a whole lot better than I was able to give her. I didn’t have rules like he has. I was available 24/7, though talking on the phone wasn’t always doable at certain times of the day. 

 

I hate to say it, but he won’t fall in love with you. A man that treats you the way he has, doesn’t care about anyone but himself. I have a ton of regrets from my experience, but I know I at least cared, loved and respected the other. He’s really treating you very badly, you deserve so much better, believe me. He’s not worth the heartache and mental anguish he’s causing you.

Thank you for the other side experience.  I know it’s ridiculous when I type it but keep hoping that if I do as he says/ be what he wants me to then I’ll be good enough to meet his standards and he will pick me .  
 

I can’t imagine never seeing or speaking to him again.  My life is already so sad, I no longer do things I enjoy, I cannot find happiness in things I once did - because I worry and wait and hope we will be ok, that he will

contact me after the no contact Sunday 

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, Unhappy fool said:

Thank you for the other side experience.  I know it’s ridiculous when I type it but keep hoping that if I do as he says/ be what he wants me to then I’ll be good enough to meet his standards and he will pick me .  

I don’t know you, but I know that you are worth more. If I know that, why don’t you?

 

Have you spoken with a counsellor or therapist? You can’t possibly feel joy or have any self confidence when you have put your life on hold and given a man your power. Surely, you can begin to develop these things again when you have set him from your life. It sounds like you will need help to do so, finding a good therapist to help you to change your focus from this man, to yourself, would be a good start. 

[Unhappy fool]

If I was worth more wouldn’t he treat me as such?  How can I love myself If the person I love cant see any value in me.

 

Ive not seen a therapist, I find the idea of approaching that quite difficult - since that’s his wife’s job role.  Every time I’ve sat in the bathrooms at work crying I thought I need to see someone/speak to someone - then I think of her and I feel my heart and stomach flip over 

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, Unhappy fool said:

If I was worth more wouldn’t he treat me as such?  How can I love myself If the person I love cant see any value in me.

Well now, that depends on whether you see your own worth as derived from yourself, or what others think. 
 

You have given complete control over to this man, the power to control your relationship and your future. It does not surprise me that you have also given control of your own self worth to this man. 
 

And dare I say it, but it is not love if this man doesn’t treat you as someone with worth and value. An individual who truly loves another does not treat them with such disrespect. 
 

I will ask you this, how can he see any value in you if you do not even see it in yourself? And how, can he treat you as a person of value if you do not require it - you bend to his will, you lower your standards, you put his needs above your own time and again...

 

He will respect you when you show him that you are worthy of his respect. In this case, you do that by ending the relationship and showing him that you are worth more than to be used for sex by a man who clearly doesn’t have a problem meeting his own needs while hurting others. 
 

As for his wife, her profession is rather irrelevant or whether you do or do not seek support for yourself. Assuming that she is not going to be your counsellor, I wouldn’t give it a single thought. 

Edited December 22, 2019 by BaileyB

[Irn-bru]

If you break contact with him you will see if he really loves you or not. He’ll move heaven and earth to be with you if he truly truly loves you.

[PhoenixRising8]

Not to thread jack here but Irn-bru, you say he would move heaven and earth to be with her if he truly loved her. You are now free to do so with your OW but won't yet you profess to have loved her. I think the OP needs to know and understand that. I now believe that as much as the MM may care about the OW at the heart of it, it isn't love and he doesn't respect her the way a man should to someone he wants to commit to because after all, she doesn't deserve respect as she will sleep with a married man. Men do see things differently from women. Women try to understand what men are going through in determining whether to leave. Men seem to see it as more black and white - she helped me cheat so she isn't worthy of commitment.