How did I end up in this mess

[stillafool]

I'm sorry UF but you know what this means don't you?  That he is still on cloud 9 from being on vacay with his wife.  I'm sure as soon as she pisses him off he'll come a calling.

[Unhappy fool]

36 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry UF but you know what this means don't you?  That he is still on cloud 9 from being on vacay with his wife.  I'm sure as soon as she pisses him off he'll come a calling.

This is what I sadly suspect.

weve been in this three years and can’t believe how little contact we have has over Christmas/new year.  He does indeed appear to be floating on cloud 9 - usually he’ll say the kids argued or was mixed highs and lows. Never about how he could be off work forever.  It really hurt, him at home equals no contact with me.

I feel horrendous, was preparing for a can we have a chat, now feel sidelined in his rejection and desperately want him to want me.  Surely it can’t end like this 

[SKYEP]

25 minutes ago, Unhappy fool said:

This is what I sadly suspect.

weve been in this three years and can’t believe how little contact we have has over Christmas/new year.  He does indeed appear to be floating on cloud 9 - usually he’ll say the kids argued or was mixed highs and lows. Never about how he could be off work forever.  It really hurt, him at home equals no contact with me.

I feel horrendous, was preparing for a can we have a chat, now feel sidelined in his rejection and desperately want him to want me.  Surely it can’t end like this 

Hi, 

I'm single, 45 and my mm is 50 (he has no kids with Wife but an older son with ex) . I too have been seeing him for 3 years. He goes away every August for month and Christmas for a month. Its something I had to get used too. I don't get upset because I walked into this knowing I would always be a different priority in his life. Please try and see him as an extension of your happiness NOT the main source of your happiness. 

I have felt like you before when I was in a relationship with a single man. He put his friends and work first. 

I hope it's not the end for you but a lesson to not rely on him to feel good. Hugs! 

[Daisydooks]

20 hours ago, Unhappy fool said:

This is what I sadly suspect.

weve been in this three years and can’t believe how little contact we have has over Christmas/new year.  He does indeed appear to be floating on cloud 9 - usually he’ll say the kids argued or was mixed highs and lows. Never about how he could be off work forever.  It really hurt, him at home equals no contact with me.

I feel horrendous, was preparing for a can we have a chat, now feel sidelined in his rejection and desperately want him to want me.  Surely it can’t end like this 

It might. You'll know when everyone is back to work what your status is soon enough. This sounds like an awful way to live and I'm sorry you've got yourself caught up in this mess. 

 

Affairs end because someone gets caught, someone threatens the betrayed spouse with telling, or because the stakes get too high or because YOU will get so very tired of being this shell of a woman you don't recognize. Hopefully, you stop accepting these little teeny bread crumbs from him. It doesn't even sound like he wants to continue messaging after his last cloud 9 update or ignoring you all Holiday. He knew exactly how that message would affect you and didnt sensor his words whatsoever. He sounds like he knows exactly what he is doing all the time which is super scary. It keeps you right where he wants you. Its sickening actually.  

 

 

[sandylee1]

It's very sad to see how you continue to respond to his messages and he just cuts you down and puts you in your place like a naughty child. 

You have choices. 

1) Accept the crumbs and know your place 

2) End it 

3) Continue seeing him,  but develop a very thick skin, get our and socialise, go on dates and don't hide the fact. 

When he comes sniffing round, don't be available for him. Don't accept sneaky daytime sex. 

 

You can do all this in a very dignified way. 

 

If he wants to sneak out during the day,  tell him that doesn't work for you...you have some catching up to do on some project/piece of work. 

Learn to smile and walk away.

 

You won't get what you want from this affair...if you want him to leave his wife. 

 

I bet the minute he sees you aren't hanging on for his calls and you actually have a life without him, things will change. 

You seem to have put this man on a pedestal and he needs to be knocked right off.

 

[Unhappy fool]

11 hours ago, sandylee1 said:

It's very sad to see how you continue to respond to his messages and he just cuts you down and puts you in your place like a naughty child. 

You have choices. 

1) Accept the crumbs and know your place 

2) End it 

3) Continue seeing him,  but develop a very thick skin, get our and socialise, go on dates and don't hide the fact. 

When he comes sniffing round, don't be available for him. Don't accept sneaky daytime sex. 

 

You can do all this in a very dignified way. 

 

If he wants to sneak out during the day,  tell him that doesn't work for you...you have some catching up to do on some project/piece of work. 

Learn to smile and walk away.

 

You won't get what you want from this affair...if you want him to leave his wife. 

 

I bet the minute he sees you aren't hanging on for his calls and you actually have a life without him, things will change. 

You seem to have put this man on a pedestal and he needs to be knocked right off.

 

You are indeed correct I think he likes the sneaky daytime sex.  Every time I feel ive cheapened myself - yet I keep doing it.  I need to see him, I miss him, cannot stop thinking of him.  I know this sounds crazy. A woman in her 40’s with a very responsible job acting lovesick.  
 

During October/November he asked every Saturday for me to visit his office,  it was always very short notice literally come now/be here in 1 hour.  He obviously knows I’ve a daughter and cannot just leave/I have weekend plans with her.   Each time I said, I’d love to If only youd have mentioned sooner and I’d not have made plans.  Or shame you didn’t ask to see me a earlier in the week and I could’ve visited

He eventually gave me a date. He said we could spend the afternoon together . We did not.  He wasn’t rude/didn’t ask me to leave, but I felt distinctly unwelcome.  It wasn’t like he got what he wanted and told me to go but.. he got what he wanted we spent a little while cuddling and talking then I felt he wanted me gone.

Yesterday, he told me he was having some big issues and there was some unrest and he was keeping his eye out for another job- I said I was always available if he needed to talk. He said he didn’t  ( of course not, he has her for that).

 

I’m aware this will attract some ridicule and probably ill be lambasted for but I want to worry him, want to make him think im going. Want him to fight for me and us.  Want him to say he will miss me so much he can’t be without me 

I’m not even sure he will come sniffing around anymore- he’s really different with me at the moment 

[crazymess]

1 hour ago, Unhappy fool said:

You are indeed correct I think he likes the sneaky daytime sex.  Every time I feel ive cheapened myself - yet I keep doing it.  I need to see him, I miss him, cannot stop thinking of him.  I know this sounds crazy. A woman in her 40’s with a very responsible job acting lovesick.  
 

I’m aware this will attract some ridicule and probably ill be lambasted for but I want to worry him, want to make him think im going. Want him to fight for me and us.  Want him to say he will miss me so much he can’t be without me 

 

I know exactly how you feel and I am also in my 40s...I have not spoken to him in 16 days. It is hard. He tried calling the day his live-in GF went back to work but I did not answer. He can conveniently find time when she is gone back to work but not so much as an email for over two weeks, during the time of year that he knows I struggle with and spend a lot of the time alone. 

[Bittersweetie]

4 hours ago, Unhappy fool said:

I’m aware this will attract some ridicule and probably ill be lambasted for but I want to worry him, want to make him think im going. Want him to fight for me and us.  Want him to say he will miss me so much he can’t be without me 

UF, unfortunately you cannot control another person, their feelings or actions. The only person you have control over is yourself...what you do and how you act. Trying to figure out how to get someone else to do what you want is just spinning your wheels.

I understand spending time and mental effort on trying to figure out MM...why he's saying what he's saying, why he's doing what he's doing. I've been there....I spent way too much time there, and in the end it accomplished nothing. So...do you feel this is a positive way to spend your energy? What exactly is your end goal?

[FMW]

The only possible way he will miss you is if you stop being available to him.  Stop responding to his texts.  You always respond to him and see him on his schedule.  It doesn't matter what you SAY to him, your actions show him he's got you right where he wants you.  

If it helps, go silent on him with the intention of making him miss you.  But hopefully the result will be that you learn you really can live without him.  Maybe taking a break from his crappy crumbs will help you find more love for yourself so that you stop this for good.   

[Unhappy fool]

3 hours ago, crazymess said:

I know exactly how you feel and I am also in my 40s...I have not spoken to him in 16 days. It is hard. He tried calling the day his live-in GF went back to work but I did not answer. He can conveniently find time when she is gone back to work but not so much as an email for over two weeks, during the time of year that he knows I struggle with and spend a lot of the time alone. 

It must’ve been so hard to ignore the call.  I understand completely though, no time to send a quick message/email  ( I had also discussed with my MM how difficult and lonely I felt during the Christmas period).  

I really hope you find the happiness you deserve.  It’s an incredibly difficult path we have chosen and sometimes it’s hard to see the ‘way out’

[Unhappy fool]

57 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

The only possible way he will miss you is if you stop being available to him.  Stop responding to his texts.  You always respond to him and see him on his schedule.  It doesn't matter what you SAY to him, your actions show him he's got you right where he wants you.  

If it helps, go silent on him with the intention of making him miss you.  But hopefully the result will be that you learn you really can live without him.  Maybe taking a break from his crappy crumbs will help you find more love for yourself so that you stop this for good.   

I guess I worry that if I ignore him he will forget me.  Or he won’t even notice I’ve not replied, get on with his day.

I know I can’t make him love me nor should I want to ( but sadly I do, I do want him to love me, why am I not good enough) I aren’t sure I am worth love.

During our last messages I told him that I’d upset myself and visited the site where my brother had his accident, not sure why.  I said I wanted someone to hold me and tell me it’d be ok, to hold my hand and say come on you have  seen it now let’s go home.  I said as I sat at the road side I had the urge to call him but knew I couldn’t.  He didn’t say anything- nothing at all.  To fill the silence I ended up saying sorry I’m being silly ignore me.

I’ve know him for 20+ years, He was always so kind and considerate, thoughtful and such a lovely man.  He often says how others take advantage of his good nature.  Not sure when he changed towards me  

[crazymess]

18 hours ago, Unhappy fool said:

It must’ve been so hard to ignore the call.  I understand completely though, no time to send a quick message/email  ( I had also discussed with my MM how difficult and lonely I felt during the Christmas period).  

I really hope you find the happiness you deserve.  It’s an incredibly difficult path we have chosen and sometimes it’s hard to see the ‘way out’

 

It was difficult. Mine does not celebrate Christmas (religious reasons). And just because his GF is home never stopped him any other time from calling or emailing..but looking back, it was always when he needed something, usually money. Then he could call me at 2, 3 or 4 in the morning or he could call me from church even by sneaking to the bathroom..he could find ways. Problem also is if I don't answer the phone, he will show up (I live an hour drive away). Or even better - he uses an app on his phone, a fake caller ID app. So he will phone me using this app which he can change what shows up on my caller ID..so he will put in the phone number of my family lawyer and that is what will show up on my caller ID or my kids school, he has used the local police station, the local children's aid society...all in attempts for me to answer my phone. I don't generally answer my phone to unusual numbers and I already know that anything important, like the police, children's aid or the school, they will leave a message. I answered the first time he used my lawyer's number and he yelled at me about how he knew I was screening my calls and then he hung up. Now, I don't even answer my phone if it says it is my lawyer calling. She will leave a message. 

[Bittersweetie]

UF, like I asked, what is your end goal? Or, how do you see your life looking in six months, or a year? 

I'm not asking to be annoying. You are so caught up in the now, thinking about these questions allow you to take a step back and look at the overall picture of your life. Then, when you can see how you want things to look, you can start taking small steps in that direction.

I know it's hard...I remember living from one email/chat/text to the other...and looking back, frankly it was a terrible way to live. So step back and think about, how do you want your life to look, regardless of MM, regardless of your H? Think about it.

[NomiMalone]

OP, I wish you could see how warped your thinking is when it comes to your own worth. You are worth 1000x this lying, cheating scumbag of a MM. I promise you that leaving him will be step 1, and a huge step, towards rebuilding your self-esteem. I was once an OW too, and when I finally blocked my MM from everywhere, I slowly came out on the other side of my living hell of pain to find a sense of empowerment that I never expected to feel. I’ll never let a man, or anyone, treat me the way he did ever again (and to think that once upon a time, in the midst of my affair fog, I honestly believed he genuinely cared about me and loved me on some level!)

Let me tell you that not only will things NEVER get better with MM, they’ll get even worse. As he realises that you’ll accept less and less crumbs from him to keep hanging around and being available for sex (such as not needing even a Happy Birthday text from him anymore!) he’ll throw out even less and less crumbs. You haven’t left him yet because you haven’t hit rock bottom yet, and until that happens, no amount of common sense, or good advice from anyone will convince you to walk away. 

Even if there is a D-day and his wife leaves him, remember that YOU DON’T WANT HIM ANYWAY, because he’s a lying, cheating POS. 

I hope you can work with a therapist to override the imprint your Dad has left on you with that thoughtless, sadistic comment. The only thing true about that comment is what it says about your Dad - he most likely does not like himself and is deeply unhappy. It says absolutely NOTHING about you. I hope you can truly realise this.

Edited January 7, 2020 by NomiMalone

[JTSW]

On 12/22/2019 at 8:30 PM, Unhappy fool said:

At the beginning he said he would leave her that we had this amazing thing that was special and I made him happy.  I waited and after a few months I questioned when this would happen- he said we had to stop as he couldn’t leave her, if it was just him and her he would’ve been gone yesterday.  He asked me hang on a few months and he would figure it out.

six or so months after that he said his mum would be devastated and couldn’t do that.  

 

He is the classic cheater. 

Promises you everything then just makes excuse after excuse.

On 12/22/2019 at 10:30 PM, Unhappy fool said:

If I was worth more wouldn’t he treat me as such?  How can I love myself If the person I love cant see any value in me.

You are worth allot more than he is. 

He's a liar, a cheater and a manipulator. 

Not to be trusted at all.

He's not worth your tears.

On 12/22/2019 at 10:07 PM, Unhappy fool said:

I keep hoping that if I do as he says/ be what he wants me to then I’ll be good enough to meet his standards and he will pick me .  

I worry and wait and hope we will be ok, that he will contact me after the no contact Sunday 

He will never pick you. He contacts you when it suits him and he's got you waiting by the phone like a lovesick puppy.

He knows how you feel about him and he's taking advantage of that, knowing you will abide by his rules at all times.

Stop. You are wasting your life waiting for this waste of space and he's never going to budge.

You need to accept this as it will help you to move on from him.

On 12/22/2019 at 9:38 PM, Unhappy fool said:

I need to gather some strength the obvious says end it. 

If I end it I know he will say he’s respects my wishes and will never contact me again.  What if only I’d have hung on a little longer,

long enough for him to fall in love with me and realise he can’t be without me.  What if I jump to soon

Yes, you need to end it, NOW!

No, no amount of time is going to make him fall in love with you.

He's got the woman he loves (his wife), you are just the bit on the side he bangs every once in a while.

He's happy with his cozy little family.

Please find the strength to end this.

You deserve better.

Edited January 7, 2020 by JTSW

[stillafool]

On 1/5/2020 at 8:18 AM, Unhappy fool said:

I’m aware this will attract some ridicule and probably ill be lambasted for but I want to worry him, want to make him think im going. Want him to fight for me and us.  Want him to say he will miss me so much he can’t be without me 

This is what you need to want from your OWN husband.  MM can never give you that because his feelings for you do not match yours for him.  Sorry but you know it's the truth.  You need to start facing reality.

[stillafool]

53 minutes ago, JTSW said:

He's a liar, a cheater and a manipulator. 

I agree with this except OP is pretty much the same and she needs to realize this so she can face the reality of what she is doing to her husband and kids as well.  That will be the first step to healing is realizing your wrong doing to.  MM no longer needs to lie or manipulate OP because she willingly complies to all of his wishes.  OP needs to stop lying, cheating and manipulating her husband.  It's not fair.

[Alebo]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I agree with this except OP is pretty much the same and she needs to realize this so she can face the reality of what she is doing to her husband and kids as well.  That will be the first step to healing is realizing your wrong doing to.  MM no longer needs to lie or manipulate OP because she willingly complies to all of his wishes.  OP needs to stop lying, cheating and manipulating her husband.  It's not fair.

I understand that her relationship with her husband is not usual, they just cohabit and coparent, more like a platonic friendship??

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

He's got the woman he loves (his wife), you are just the bit on the side he bangs every once in a while.

He's happy with his cozy little family.

I doubt that he loves his wife, and he doesnt love UF either. Agree with what follows and with what you have written before.

UF, you will realize what people here are trying to tell you, sooner or later. I needed more than 13 years of the similar s**t to slowly fell out of love and see clear. I hope you get there sooner.

 

 

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, Alebo said:

Quote

I understand that her relationship with her husband is not usual, they just cohabit and coparent, more like a platonic friendship??

Then she needs to divorce and find a single man she can have a relationship with instead of pinning over a MM who doesn't want her.  She is in charge of her happiness.

Quote

I doubt that he loves his wife, and he doesnt love UF either.

MM compartmentalize their emotions which OW can't seem to do once caught up in the affair.  I think if MM loves anyone other than himself it is his wife and family.  After all she is the one he chose to marry, buy a ring for, recite vows to in front of his family and friends, and make her the mother of his children.   Like Elaine says most OW, like OP, are willing to leave their marriage if MM will leave his.   Most MM don't want to lose their family they just want someone on the side to feed their ego and get extra sex.  What I don't understand is if OW are willing to leave their boring marriage for MM why can't they also leave for themselves.

 

 

 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

you're a supplement to his life; whereas he is the main focus of yours.

this relationship is one sided and imbalanced, at best.

he's using you, at worst.

 

get out.

[Alebo]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

What I don't understand is if OW are willing to leave their boring marriage for MM why can't they also leave for themselves.

Different reasons I guess, financial, kids... and often fear of uncertainess, of being alone...  And for many OWs the only positive side of the affair is that it gives them strength to leave the unfunctional marriage.

[2BGoodAgain]

most of the time, there are always two factors why people change or stay the same.

Pain vs Fear.

When you're in so much pain, more than any fear, you will do what's necessary to stop the pain.

But until you get to that point, your fear will keep you from doing what you most need/want to do.

[Unhappy fool]

I will try get back on and answer those points raised. Thank you for your continued support.

 

today was the first time I said no.  He’s pretty much ignored me all week, 1 text message a day.  He messaged and said he had the afternoon off and did I want to meet.  Each time he does this he means meet me for sex, then I’ll leave immediately to collect children/go home and I’m left upset and confused.   Today I said I’m sorry can’t I’m very busy completing a project I’m working on 

[elaine567]

9 minutes ago, Unhappy fool said:

Today I said I’m sorry can’t I’m very busy completing a project I’m working on 

Well done you.
He ignored you all week, yet he still thought he was entitled to sex...
 

[Hip Pocket]

On 12/24/2019 at 5:12 AM, BaileyB said:

He is under no obligation to make you happy.

 

If he wants her in this game he most certainly is.