How did I end up in this mess

[Hip Pocket]

On 1/17/2020 at 1:36 PM, Unhappy fool said:

Im sorta regretting my decision to say I want more than this, I deserve more therefore I’m walking away.  It’s more painful than I ever expected. Im wondering what he’s thinking and I am struggling to imagine never seeing/speaking to him again.  Never feeling him hold me in his arms.

wow this is tough 
 

 

This is exactly why I suggested you take advice from those that have BTDT. Anyone who is not an AP is going to advise you to dump him, go NC, but decisions that are driven by logic, and they are logical for the most part, can really mess up our hearts. Logic and emotion do not always go hand in hand, so you’ve got to do what feels right emotionally as well. Why cut your nose to spite your face? If you still have feelings for each other why not try to work out a plan that works for you both? Buy some time until you figure it all out. Being extreme at anything causes extreme outcomes. And now you’re in extreme pain. 
 

He says he needed to think. Why not give him that time to do just that? It’s really the kinder thing to do, and you may just be surprised by the outcome. 
 

I hope you’re reading these replies. Strategies like these have helped me be happy in my R for years. 

[Starswillshine]

On 1/18/2020 at 7:27 PM, Pocket said:

He says he needed to think. Why not give him that time to do just that? It’s really the kinder thing to do, and you may just be surprised by the outcome. 
 

I hope you’re reading these replies. Strategies like these have helped me be happy in my R for years. 

Because most people deserve to be in a relationship that the other person does not need to think about choosing them. Most people do not want to be the "other person". Most people do not want to constantly have to put their own emotions and feelings to the side to serve some man who wont choose them fully. 

You want to accept less, fine. If that works for you, fine. But most people want and expect more. They are worth more... to be the only.... 

Edited January 22, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[elaine567]

26 minutes ago, Pocket said:

Strategies like these have helped me be happy in my R for years. 

Maybe but at what expense?
 

[Beentheretoooften]

On 1/17/2020 at 4:36 PM, Unhappy fool said:

I used to enjoy running not a hobby really I suppose, but I did do it frequently.  
 

UF, running is absolutely a hobby.  A real one.  What helped me this last year is training as hard as I could for a half marathon this past October.  I punished myself.  Listened to music that was hard, and had those talks with myself that the other poster mentioned.   It was my saving grace and I have been running for my whole life.  But I focused on it more, because I needed to put focus and love into something I knew I could do.  I think this would be a huge plus and way to challenge yourself and stay occupied.    Best wishes.  

[Unhappy fool]

I don’t want to accept less it hurts when I know he’s on trips away with her.  The things he says he’s done on weekends or is planning to genuinely give me pain.

when he told me of his 3 week Christmas trip and all the little things he planned - hot air balloon rides and such, after the call I dashed to the bathrooms and vomited.  When he told me of his amazing Christmas I sat in the carpark at work on a little wall and cried.  Someone passing by asked if I was ok, I said no but it’s ok as I work here ( random and I wasn’t obviously thinking straight)

He said he wanted me in his life as I made him feel alive.  He needed to think and do some soul searching.  I know I aren’t enough, if I was then he would be saying I want you in my life, can’t live without you, let’s meet and talk and work this out.

I feel humiliated rejected and hurt. He’s amazing and I’ve never felt the way I do when with him.  Yet I don’t get to have him.  Why aren’t I good enough to love 

I’m struggling so much, tried to get out for a walk with my daughter today.  I found it so hard as I feel so sad.  I feel bad that my daughter asked why I was sad 

 

 

 

[Starswillshine]

Honey, you are enough. He just is not enough. He is a weak, selfish man. That is no indication of you. It's going to hurt like hell, but you'll get through. Chin up! Hugs. 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Unhappy fool said:

I feel humiliated rejected and hurt. He’s amazing and I’ve never felt the way I do when with him.  Yet I don’t get to have him.  Why aren’t I good enough to love 

I'm sorry you're hurt but how do you expect to "have him" when he belongs to someone else unless he told you from the start he was leaving his wife for you?  Did he ever say that?

[Unhappy fool]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry you're hurt but how do you expect to "have him" when he belongs to someone else unless he told you from the start he was leaving his wife for you?  Did he ever say that?

In the beginning he said he would. Then he said it was difficult as he couldn’t leave his daughter/didn’t want shared custody.  He said If no child involved he would leave her for me tomorrow.   He has children from a previous marriage and says he dislikes the sharing of birthdays and Christmas etc and doesn’t want it for his daughter.  
 

From what he’s said his wife is a lovely woman he’s never spoken badly or her just that he met her after the breakdown of his first marriage he was lonely and thought she’d be someone he could live with.  Said there is no fire or spark but they can cohabit just fine.  By the time he changed from I’ll leave her it’ll just take time to nope I was already hooked ( I thought one day he’d realise how much he wanted to be with me and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and take steps to make it happen) 

 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry UF, I know it's difficult.  Sending you good wishes.

[Beentheretoooften]

Why does he tell you what he’s doing???  You should tell him you don’t want to know.  Unless it’s about him personally and not about his family, then you do not want to know.   No wonder you cry when he tells you those things.    AP never ever asked nor did i tell her anything about goings on with W.  Even kids was almost off limits.  But work, everyday, sports, politics etc.  everything was in play. And it worked that way for an extremely long time. 

[Lurker123]

Hey UF, not sure if you’ve read my thread, but it’s very similar to yours in many respects. When I read the part about you  physically being sick and sitting on the wall and sobbing, it broke my heart- because I’ve been in that exact place- in fact I still am. 
 

My MM told me similar things, started out saying he wanted to be with me and then slowly made more and more excuses why we couldn’t be together. He used his daughter as a CONSTANT excuse- one I accepted until many others in this forum pointed out to me a) using a child as an excuse to stay in an unhappy marriage is not a valid excuse and b) if he cares about his child so very much- why is he doing the one thing that ultimately will cause the most damage to his family if found out? 
 

I have no doubt that he cares about you, probably loves and adores you- but the fact is he is doing NOTHING about it. Where was he whilst you were on that wall crying? Whilst you were throwing up from hearing about the ‘amazing times’ he was having with BS? He was with his family, not having a second thought about you, that is where. This MM is like every other MM that is out there- he wants his cake and to eat it, he is too cowardly to face up to this fact and admit it- which is why we step in and do it for him! If he loves you so deeply and wanted to be with you so much- he wouldn’t be able to stand faking a life with BS, he would have to walk away and be with you, the woman he claims to love and can’t be without. Again I can confidently speak from experience here- at the start of my affair I was still with my husband, within 2 months I ended my marriage and walked away, I had 2 children, a mortgaged house and a dog BUT I was not willing to stay in a marriage and live a lie myself- when I loved someone else, it was a risk but one I was willing to take, knowing that either way everything would sort itself out. Needless to say my MM never made the same choice but that’s a story for if you read my thread! 

You deserve a million times more than this, you deserve a man who will take you out, show you off, introduce you to his children, wipe your tears off your face and hold your hair back whilst being sick! A man who can spend the night with you, hold you, talk to you, love you in the open.

Its not easy for me to write all of this trust me. I only ended things for good with MM 2 weeks ago and it has without doubt been the hardest 2 weeks of my life... BUT I feel empowered from walking away, I feel excited about my future and I feel confident that time is a healer. Take it from someone who has been there, done that and will shortly be getting the t’shirt! It can be done. 

[lftbehind]

On 1/3/2020 at 8:05 AM, Unhappy fool said:

That’s really insightful and you’re absolutely correct I need to get passed the many hurtful and negative comments my father makes towards me.  

We recently did a team building thing at work where we had to write a positive attribute about each each person 

when mine we read our were kind, understanding, thoughtful, compassionate and a person you’d turn to in times of need.

 

mm messaged today,  just a hi how are you.  I said I was fine and hoped he’d enjoyed his time off.  His reply made me cry- he said it was idilic and throughly enjoyed his time at home and could do it every day .  I feel even worse than I did before 

 

I'm so sorry that he said that to you, that's so hurtful to you and it must have made you feel so bad. Laser focus in on all the things that he's said and done that hurt you and break it off with him. Every time you think of something good about him, instantly think of how much he's hurt you and how selfish he is. It may be a little dramatic, but come up with a mantra like, he's not good for me, he's like poison. Say it to yourself whenever you think about him. I've done that before and it helped me. Best of luck to you. 

[lftbehind]

On 1/3/2020 at 11:30 AM, Unhappy fool said:

I replied to his message and said I was pleased he has such an idilic break and must be very hard to be back at work when he’d been in a haze of a perfect life the last few weeks.

he said it sounded negative and hated negativity and people complaining and would reply/get into conversation.  So assume this is the end 

Are you supposed to be positive about what he said to you? really?

[Hip Pocket]

On 1/18/2020 at 5:38 PM, Starswillshine said:

Because most people deserve to be in a relationship that the other person does not need to think about choosing them. Most people do not want to be a side piece. Most people do not want to constantly have to put their own emotions and feelings to the side to serve some man who wont choose them fully. 

You want to accept less, fine. If that works for you, fine. But most people want and expect more. They are worth more... to be the only.... 

You’ve clearly got some misconceptions going on about EMRs. If all of my needs are being met in my EMR then why would I see that as “accepting less”. 
 

uF herself is M. It’s not likely she is ready to disentangle herself from her M for this guy. It’s a two-way Street. 

[Hip Pocket]

On 1/18/2020 at 5:54 PM, elaine567 said:

Maybe but at what expense?
 

Why don’t you tell me since you think you know so much about my R. 

[Starswillshine]

2 hours ago, Pocket said:

You’ve clearly got some misconceptions going on about EMRs. If all of my needs are being met in my EMR then why would I see that as “accepting less”. 
 

uF herself is M. It’s not likely she is ready to disentangle herself from her M for this guy. It’s a two-way Street. 

You clearly have not paid attention to what UF has been saying in how her MM is treating her. It is not meeting her needs. 

I wont comment on what I think of your so called relationship.

[William]

Good morning, let's stay focused on the thread starter's posted topic and relationship issue. Members are welcome to start discussions about their own relationships in unique threads or use our private message system to discuss them privately. Thanks!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

UF, I started reading your thread last night and finished it this morning. You received a lot of helpful advice and initially I saw nothing to add. As I got further along though it seemed that there was one point that hadn’t been made. Then there was the update that you had ended it. Not sure how helpful this will be at this point but I figured I’d throw it out there just as food for thought. 

You’ve known each other for over twenty years. From what you say that colleagues have stated about you that you would be a trustworthy person. So to MM you’d be a safe bet in an affair. Not a live wire who would blow up his world. We know that he doesn’t want to jeopardize his marriage and he’s not miserable in it. We know that he has set about certain “rules” so that his personal time is off-limits for you to call. We know that he’s not or no longer is willing to be an emotional shoulder as evidenced by no response to your story about visiting the accident site. We know that he is aware that you want more communication but is unwilling to give it. 

So what does a MM do to keep his AP from blowing up his marriage when the AP wants more and the MM wants to keep the status quo?  He isn’t stupid, his remarks here and there were to keep you in your place and maybe even to let you down easily or to have you decide to back away on your own. He’s not the bad guy now, it was your decision and you’re less likely to try and get “revenge “ by outing him to his wife. Yes he ran when you ignored his requests to meet because he needed to know where your head was at. This affair has been terrible for you. What initially seemed to give you validation has shifted to invalidate you. 

I’m so sorry you’re in this predicament and that you are hurting. He was very selfish and chose his own feelings over you. It has nothing to do with you not being worthy. It has everything to do with him wanting a little extra to add a spark to his already happy life. You have to learn that you deserve more but to get it you will have to learn to love and cherish yourself first and foremost. I hope you are able to work all of this out in therapy so that you can be a very happy and content mother and eventually partner to someone who deserves you. 

[mark clemson]

36 minutes ago, IfWishesWereHorses said:

 What initially seemed to give you validation has shifted to invalidate you.

Very insightful point - and a dynamic that seems to underpin many of the posts we see on here.

[Unhappy fool]

I’m hurting so much I just never a anticipated how difficult this would be.  He said I made him happy. Made him feel alive, that we have something special - yet I aren’t special enough to say no don’t go I can’t be without you.  I’m sorry I’m repeating myself I’m so unhappy.  
 

He said he never knew he was hurting me and was happy to continue drifting along as he was floating on air after he saw me and was happy to wait till the next time.

I’m my head during the difficult times I planned to say thing differently- that the messy jumble that came out.  When he phoned and said is all ok I should’ve said yes rather than no actually it’s not.

 

I messaged him today- I miss him so much I can’t eat or sleep.  I said I hope you’re ok and have had a good day.  He replied you too.  I’m reminiscing of the times he used to message and call chasing to see me.. seems a long time ago although it’s less than a week.  Id never tell his wife, she doesn’t deserve pain- it’s me that deserves it.

Thank you for all your input.  Wish there was a magic pill to heal this 

[Unhappy fool]

11 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I'm so sorry that he said that to you, that's so hurtful to you and it must have made you feel so bad. Laser focus in on all the things that he's said and done that hurt you and break it off with him. Every time you think of something good about him, instantly think of how much he's hurt you and how selfish he is. It may be a little dramatic, but come up with a mantra like, he's not good for me, he's like poison. Say it to yourself whenever you think about him. I've done that before and it helped me. Best of luck to you. 

Thank you for this.  I wish I was as ‘together’ as others are.  I’m shocked at how badly I’m handling this.  This is going to sound childish and naive but I genuinely thought he was going to be my knight in shining armour. He said as much himself. Let me into your life and heart, let’s knock those walls down.  Over time he did and now this ?!! 
 

Shall try repeating a phrase . Will use yours if that’s ok until maybe something more personal comes to mind.  

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Unhappy fool said:

Thank you for all your input.  Wish there was a magic pill to heal this 

Resolving to be done, followed by NC and time should eventually do it.

Messaging him may have been a bad idea. He now knows he has you "right where he wants you". Available if/when he's interested in coming around. Not good.

Time may fix that for you too, even if you can't bring yourself to take action. But it will be a while I think, unfortunately.

[Unhappy fool]

Ok guess this will make people roll their eyes and be for goodness sake woman, wake up and smell the coffee and accept you wrecked it but...... why on Earth didn’t he fight why didn’t he say oh wow do  didn’t know you felt like that let’s fix it .  Why was it gosh you’ve made me feel bad and I can’t live with hurting you so seeya 

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, Unhappy fool said:

why on Earth didn’t he fight why didn’t he say oh wow do  didn’t know you felt like that let’s fix it . 

Because he is married to another woman. You are not his primary relationship. 

This belief and his inaction shows that you are clearly more invested in this relationship than your affair partner. 

Edited January 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[IfWishesWereHorses]

2 hours ago, Unhappy fool said:

Ok guess this will make people roll their eyes and be for goodness sake woman, wake up and smell the coffee and accept you wrecked it but...... why on Earth didn’t he fight why didn’t he say oh wow do  didn’t know you felt like that let’s fix it .  Why was it gosh you’ve made me feel bad and I can’t live with hurting you so seeya 

I’m sorry you are hurting. He didn’t because he can not offer you what you want. No doubt I’m sure he loves your company and companionship. He wants to enjoy it when he has the time away from his family and his job. That’s the compartmentalization that everyone is talking about. It’s like golf or fishing, it’s for relaxation and forgetting about the days worries. If you were able to be happy with that things would be going great, but you’re not. And that doesn’t mean you should be. You need more than he can give. You deserve more. You spoke your truth, good for you! You get to do that, to make you needs known, and if he’s a decent person he’ll let you go because he will never be able to meet them. I hope you are strong enough to find your own happiness.