Did you give good advice?

[jack]

I have recieved much advice to "play it cool", "be a man", "stay away from the mushy stuff", after my girlfriend broke up with me. I was advised to not persist in trying to show her how much I love her and want her back.

 

The reason she broke up with me is that she didn't feel loved. Felt I didn't really love her anymore. If I play it cool and wait for her to phone isn't she just going to think it's more of the same, I don't care and she was right that there was no love left? Shouldn't I try and show her at every possible opportunity how much I do love her?

[Tony T]

Jack, you are a tough case.

 

Don't you understand that you were doing all that crap, buying her gifts, flowers, kissing her butt and all that stuff and it wasn't working. She was seeing all that as FAKE. She wants to see the REAL YOU. You'll never get any girl anytime in history if you posture yourself to slobber all over her.

 

Women want to be treated like normal people, respected, admired, but they don't want a man they can walk all over, manipulate, etc. They really don't want a man to come back at them with all kinds of gifts, showers of attention, etc. as an act of contrition for their lingering neglect in the past. That just pisses them off much more.

 

You just don't get it right now. But you may in the years ahead.

 

Go ahead and screw yourself over on this one. Call her up and wimp out all over the place. Pour your guts out to her. Let her know how much you love her. But her flowers...hell, buy her a whole nursery. Send her cards...hell, buy her the Hallmark Card Company. Send her candy...yeah, buy her the Godiva Chocolate Factory. Do whatever you feel like you should do. That's just fine.

 

Then, when all fails, post an accurate report of what you did right here on the forum and we'll critique things for you...like you're really going to listen.

 

You seem hell bent on kissing her royal butt in an effort to get her back. But I wish you would just sit and think about that. Why would she want to come back because a guy was kissing her butt? What she would really need to do is get treated for indigestion and naseau.

 

The bright side is that it could take you five, ten, fifteen or even 25 years to get what we are saying to you...but you will eventually get there because you are a decent guy. And when you arrive, you will have true love.

 

The downside is you are going to face a lot of pain in the meantime if you continue to want to take the approach you lean towards.

[Laurynn]

I know it must be a tough spot for you to be in. You feel your ex 'fell out of love with you' because you hadn't been there for her for the past couple of months/were too busy with work/whatever......and now that she ended things, you naturally came to the realization that you LOVE HER TONS...and you want very much to show this to her....BUT, remember how you admitted that you'd been showering her with gifts and stuff, and all she did was accuse you of trying to 'buy her back' and that if she *DID* go back with you, things would soon go back to the way they were ???

 

Yes, I can understand your concern that if you totally back right off, she'll just think you're pulling the same crap as before (not paying attention to her, not giving her affection, bla bla).......

 

I understand your compulsion to "make up for lost time" because you want so much to have her back........but in all honesty, Jack...sometimes things happen for a reason. Did you really treat (neglect) her that bad? Was she simply just growing "OUT" of the relationship? Looking for an excuse to 'move on'?

 

My only other suggestion is this......write her a letter, telling her how you feel......how you've had some time to sit and think about how you neglected her/weren't there for her, bla bla bla.......how you made mistakes and you are very sorry. That's it, don't say anything more. Don't say you want to 'be friends'.....don't say "I hope you'll call me".......just say you're sorry and that you do love her....then LEAVE IT AT THAT. NOTHING MORE.

 

Mail it to her (or if you two email, email it to her).

 

Then the ball is in her court....you back the heck off. There is no need for you to kiss ANY woman's butt. We are all human, we all make mistakes. If she's intent on 'moving on', then she'll do that. If she just needs some time apart to see if you'll get your sh*t together, then that might be the plan too.

 

Don't buy her flowers, trinkets, gifts, cards, nothing. Either she's going to have a change of heart or she's not. Unfortunately, you can't 'force' anyone to fall back in love with you.

 

I still strongly encourage you to go about your life......stay busy, hang with friends, make new friends, get some new interests/get back at ones you used to have.......the more time you spend 'busy', the less time you'll have to pine away over her and be sad.

 

Sometimes couples just need some breathing space.......time apart to really see where their heart stands.

 

Good luck

 

Laurynn

[jack]

Tony,

 

I'm going with it.

 

Laurynn, responded in original thread.

 

Thanks to both.

I know it must be a tough spot for you to be in. You feel your ex 'fell out of love with you' because you hadn't been there for her for the past couple of months/were too busy with work/whatever......and now that she ended things, you naturally came to the realization that you LOVE HER TONS...and you want very much to show this to her....BUT, remember how you admitted that you'd been showering her with gifts and stuff, and all she did was accuse you of trying to 'buy her back' and that if she *DID* go back with you, things would soon go back to the way they were ??? Yes, I can understand your concern that if you totally back right off, she'll just think you're pulling the same crap as before (not paying attention to her, not giving her affection, bla bla)....... I understand your compulsion to "make up for lost time" because you want so much to have her back........but in all honesty, Jack...sometimes things happen for a reason. Did you really treat (neglect) her that bad? Was she simply just growing "OUT" of the relationship? Looking for an excuse to 'move on'? My only other suggestion is this......write her a letter, telling her how you feel......how you've had some time to sit and think about how you neglected her/weren't there for her, bla bla bla.......how you made mistakes and you are very sorry. That's it, don't say anything more. Don't say you want to 'be friends'.....don't say "I hope you'll call me".......just say you're sorry and that you do love her....then LEAVE IT AT THAT. NOTHING MORE. Mail it to her (or if you two email, email it to her). Then the ball is in her court....you back the heck off. There is no need for you to kiss ANY woman's butt. We are all human, we all make mistakes. If she's intent on 'moving on', then she'll do that. If she just needs some time apart to see if you'll get your sh*t together, then that might be the plan too. Don't buy her flowers, trinkets, gifts, cards, nothing. Either she's going to have a change of heart or she's not. Unfortunately, you can't 'force' anyone to fall back in love with you. I still strongly encourage you to go about your life......stay busy, hang with friends, make new friends, get some new interests/get back at ones you used to have.......the more time you spend 'busy', the less time you'll have to pine away over her and be sad. Sometimes couples just need some breathing space.......time apart to really see where their heart stands. Good luck Laurynn