Reconnected with ex

[Kately66]

Please help.... My husband and I have been together for 24 years, since the age of 15.matried for 13.5 years. In all this time I have never so much as looked at, flirted with, connected with or chatted with another man. For the last 10 years my hubby's income hasn't been steady. In fact for 7 of those 10 years I have been supporting us. We went through a period of infertility and finally have 2 gorgeous babies both under 3 years. For the last four years I have noticed that my hubby hasn't been himself. More withdrawn, emotionally checked out a bit as well as physically not that passionate or even interested.

 

I have always brought up any feelings of change in our relationship, especially if I feel we were getting off track and slacking in communication and intimacy. However due to motherhood my focus was on the kids. Even then I still brought up the fact that we hardly kiss anymore, not as intimate as before, not feeling emotionally connected to him. I had questioned many times to him if we're still in love, whether he finds me attractive or not after 2 babies, that we act more like friends than lovers, that he might be depressed. In the last 2 years he has gotten bad anxiety to the point of fainting so I stopped nagging and bringing up these issues with him. Even though I felt neglected I felt it would get better. And I still loved him more than anything.

 

Then he had a physical illness that left him in a lot of pain for the last 5 months. In that period I started feeling very lonely in our marriage. Actually probably even before that. Looking after 2 babies during the day, still running my business and working evenings and Saturdays, but not having any adult interaction throughout the day. And then him coming home with hardly anything to talk about other than his pain and work and in a bad mood. In the meantime I had been dreaming about my ex bf from when I was just 13 years old. Very innocent and sweet relationship, we only kissed twice. I confided these dreams to my hubby as I had nothing to hide.

 

Eventually I told him that I would like to contact my ex to be friends with him. So with hubby's permission I started chatting to my ex. It was great! We got along so well. I did not see that happening. Then we took a trip down memory lane of our first kiss and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I started feeling feelings of being a teenager and madly in love with my ex. And he confessed to also having some feelings. That's when I realized that this was not good and decided to end it. However I chose to meet him in person to say goodbye. I hadn't seen him in 25 years. Nothing happened other than conversation and some talk about what ifs. It was very sweet and loving and I felt so attracted to him.but said goodbye with a passionate hug nevertheless.

 

That evening I told my husband about meeting ex. It did not go down well. I lied initially as suddenly it felt so wrong. In hindsight it was very wrong but my intentions were good I guess. Anyway the more hubby pushed me away the more I kept talking to my ex. And realized that I had actually fallen deeply in love with him. Immediately decided to seek counseling and therapy both as a married couple and invidivual. I cut off all contact with the ex. However my problem is I can't get him out of my mind and heart. I just want to be with him. I don't even know if he wants to be with me. But being with my husband means I can't have ex in my life at all, out of respect for our marriage and hubby. But the thought of not having ex in my life is killing me.

 

I feel depressed all the time. I don't want to work on my marriage even though I said I would try. Hubby does not know I'm in love with ex. Just that some feelings from the past came up and I decided to stop chatting to him as a result. I never thought I would be this person. I thought  hubby and I would be together forever. But I felt emotionally neglected and abandoned by him. And only once he realized he could lose me he started making an effort. I would send him loving memes or messages and get no response. I would talk about financial solutions with him. He also made some financial decisions without even consulting with me.

 

At the end of every month he uses my salary to cover his expenses. There's so much more to say but it's long. I've just been feeling taken for granted for a long time and chatting to my ex which made me so happy and made me realize how unhappy I am in my marriage. I no longer laugh, or smile or do silly things. My husband doesn't laugh with me. We hardly make love. I feel like I should leave my husband because I don't want to live a lie. I also don't want to hurt him even though I already did. So many people will be hurt if we separate. Not to mention our kids. What about them?? I'm so confused and hurt and upset and in such inner turmoil.

 

Please offer some advice. I know what I did was wrong so pls I don't need any lectures on commitment and love being a choice and decision blah blah. Because then the same could be said of my husband. That why did he neglect me and our marriage for so long...... Anyways. Thanks in advance. 

Edited December 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[schlumpy]

At least you are willing to own your sins, but it doesn't look as if your husband is of the same mind. Your marriage has been going downhill for awhile with only hoping for better days to keep it alive. One of you two is going to have to be the adult in the room and I think that may be you.

 

You have come to the conclusion you can't go on without changes. To get those changes you will have to pressure your husband. You both need to get into full blown MC as soon as you can manage it. That's the only safe place where you can hash out these problems. If you have to threaten him with divorce to get him to go, then that is what you will have to do. There is no way with your current feelings for your EX that you can resolve any of these issues alone.

 

You give indications in your post that this one last try for you. Without intervention you are looking at the end of your marriage.

[Kately66]

Thank you so much. It just feels like I've fallen out of love with my husband. Before the whole thing with the ex. And now that husband is making an effort it all feels too late for me :(

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.... rather than focusing on the ex and that interaction, I'll make a suggestion, having seen this as an older man with many MW's..... spend some time with your doctor and get all those body chemicals and your general physical health checked out.

 

As an observation, it's difficult for any spouse to compete with a fantasy. You and he have been together since 15. You and the ex have never been together as a day to day couple as adults. In my age group we call this process MLC or mid-life crisis. It can hit in the 40's/50's for some. I experienced it about 12-15 years ago. Looking back it was like temporary insanity. I was married, yet felt alone and looked up an old MW I hadn't seen in decades. Bla, bla, fantasy and reality. Not the same. Then one day, a few years after MC and the D, woke up and laughed at myself for being so stupid. I knew better, knew all the chemical and psychological stuff, but still fell for it. Only human. Didn't miss my exW, not that, but laughed at myself for the fantasy of the MW and the past, should've just D'd the wife and moved on. 

 

If you make the effort to be fully in the M, and H isn't there, accept that. Divorce. You can co-parent. Perhaps the ex will live up to the memories of the past, perhaps not. We all grow and change. Hopefully, there will be many years left to do so. Best wishes!

[DKT3]

Sounds like just about ever other MW who posts about how horrible the husband and marriage are and how they just out of nowhere,  having done nothing wrong is in love with another man 

 

One justification after another all designed to make it all "not so bad, and definitely not your fault"

 

Newsflash,  it was all bad,  it is your fault, right from the moment you "asked " to talk to your ex....you know the one you were dreaming about.  What did you honestly expect to happen when you went into this with romantic notions? 

 

So that's all done, your in love with another man and out of love with your husband...why are you still there? Why are you still married? I know cheater script,  for the kids, right? 

Edited December 26, 2019 by DKT3

[Kately66]

I can see how you see me as this type of woman. I'm the same person who would judge anyone for doing what I did. I always advise friends that you cannot be friends with someone you loved. How did I forget my own advice?? 

The dreams were completely innocent. We were in school and ex wanted to talk to me, always a similar dream. I even Googled the meaning to see if it meant anything and it just said something about missing my care free days or something. 

My issues in my marriage are not horrible. They are workable. If I didn't feel out of love with H and in love with ex. I do feel like a horrible person. I just don't know how it happened. We would honestly just chat about day to day things. Until that first kiss. 

If I was such a horrible wife though I wouldn't have been completely faithful for 24 years. Not many wives would put up with the financial situation that I did. Or the lack of intimacy or willingness to go for therapy. I'm 39 at the moment. The thought of a midlife crises has crossed my mind. Oh I have had all my hormonal and chemical tests done thank you. 

I don't want to blame H for my feelings, but I will say that he did neglect me for a while. I would send him the most loving messages and then have to ask if he recieved them, when clearly it was read. I have always shown my love for H in more than just the usual ways. Physically, emotionally. So while I can understand your judgment I will say that I behaved completely out of character and still trying to figure out why. The only answer I can come up with is that I fell out of love with hubby before anything to do with the ex. Because I don't believe that you can love 2 people at the same time. 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Kately66

[mark clemson]

IF you decide to divorce, consider speaking to an attorney about what a likely outcome is and doing the math as to whether you can actually afford spousal support and living on your own, supporting the kids etc. Suggest you think carefully before you act.

[DKT3]

Again, your last post is right off the cheating wives script.  Dont believe me, read some threads.

 

Out of character? Doubtful.  Infidelity is usually the apex of wayward behavior,  make no mistake it has been a theme throughout your relationship.  

 

You may feel a judgmental tone, but I'm a pretty stoic person who usually state my opinion.  I dont judge anyone just explain from my training and experience what your actions and behavior say. 

 

You may feel you did all the things you believe you did, but would your husband,  if asked say the same? Probably not.  

 

Self reflection is hard, no one likes to do it because it usually brings things that you dont like about yourself to the surface.  Saying "I not in love with my husband " is easy.  Again that means what you've done is not your fault. The truth is you are likely still very much in love with your husband,  your are likely just taking it for granted.  

 

Countless numbers of MW have said the same thing,  right up until the husband finds out then how quickly they change their mind.  

 

Dig deeper,  this affair has nothing to do with loving or not loving your husband,  nothing to do with what your husband did or didn't do. Tons of women have been in far worse marriages with much worse husbands and didnt cheat. The will and desire to cheat came from within you and is totally independent of your relationship.  As I like to say,  If the marriage and/or husband causes women to cheat we would see 100% infidelity in 100% of marriages.  Yet most women don't cheat....dig deeper 

[Kately66]

Sorry I don't agree with you. How can this be a theme throughout my relationship? I've been with the man for 24 years. Not a flirt, not so much as a chat inappropriately with anyone. I had zero feelings for my ex when I wanted to contact him. Even after a few weeks of chatting there were no feelings. And this is the part that has me confused. Am I still in love with the past or present. Because presently I hardly know the guy. 

 

When babies are born everyone says each child is different, each pregnancy is different, all people are different, all marriages are different. So your experience may be correct for majority of couples but definitely not in my case. You are welcome to your opinion, judgemental or not, but the only people who know the truth are me and my husband. 

And I have told him that I am not feeling the in love feeling anymore and it's worrying me because I don't know if and how to get it back. It's not an easy thing to say. It's hurtful. It kills me to see how I'm hurting him. He's my best friend. I don't have anyone else to talk to. 

Yes many marriages are far worse. That doesnt mean that people don't fall out of love. And please note I did not have an affair. Unless it counts as an emotional affair, I'll acknowledge that.

 

I am the one who supports our family in most ways financially so I think that wouldn't be a major issue. I do not know if I'm going to leave him yet or not. I will accept if he wants to leave me. 

[schlumpy]

If you are sharing your feelings with your husband and that would include your infatuation for the old BF then I don't see what else is to be done. There is marriage counseling but I'm dubious about it's effectiveness. I'm very surprised that he isn't making a move to leave you. If my wife told me that she no longer loved me? That she had transferred her affections to an old BF that she hardly knows? I would be thinking that there is not much to save by hanging around. It would not take me too long to move out.

 

It's possible that you both will be better people apart then you are together.

[Buffer]

18 hours ago, Kately66 said:

 

Hi Kately66,

 

Sounds like you re kindled your feelings from the past and transferred resentment from the present and want a new future.

 

Do you have any resentment towards your relationship with Hubby due to you being the financial supporter to this marriage instead of the traditional male role? I ask this as it sounds like a sense of entitlement on your part. ‘He uses my money...’ so what’s mine is mine and his is his? And in marriage it isn’t joint accounts, bills etc?

 

Hopefully you are really in love with your EA partner and he is willing to leave his family to set up joint shared families with you for 50% of the time due to split parenting. 
Would you consider IC first before destroying your marriage without the knowledge that your AP is willing to do the same?
You need to do what is right for you but the consequences will be life changing for many people including the little ones and extended families. 
 

Good luck

 

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[DKT3]

While its claimed in almost every case, truth is other are given little thought when people are having affairs.  That's why people always talk addiction,  just like heroin addicts,  they know absolutely nothing is good about the situation,  people will be hurt yet they go full speed ahead. Making excuses,  adjusting history,  manufacturing present issues,  and playing one big mind game with themselves.  It's why you hear so often once on the other side...wtf was I thinking,  how did I allow myself to get here, how did I take my loved ones for granted.

 

The very same things you are hearing from us as you ascend up the infidelity mountain will be the very things you will beat yourself up about as you fall down the mountain on the other side. 

[DKT3]

What I mean when I say the apex of your behavior,  I dont necessarily mean cheating.  Its common...however that the entitlement,  taking others for granted,  feeling morally superior and overall more important. You see, when you started down this road you convinced yourself you deserve it. Why is that? Why was it ok for you to search out your ex? How would you have handled your husband making the request? 

 

Even beyond that,  once you broke the first boundary,  had you actually been the selfless all in wife you're claiming to be,  how did you excuse your behavior? 

 

 affairs are just the destination wayward behavior lead to. It never starts with an affair.  Its not hard to comprehend....when your not having an affair.