Ex bf reached out at Xmas

[thecrucible]

The ex whom I mentioned in previous threads has just contacted me during Christmas. To be honest, I'm feeling really conflicted. I'm trying to forget about him because our relationship got pretty bad towards the end. In my view, it wasn't really a relationship because we hardly spoke to each other and I hadn't seen him in two months when we were living an hour apart. I found it hard to deal with his bad moods and desire to be in control of certain things as well as his inability to apologise for upsetting me. We had also been on an off and his behaviour hadn't improved so I broke up with him. Most of my friends have told me it's for the best and I can do better. Others say I expect too much for wanting a man to apologise. 

 

Anyway so yesterday I got a parcel from him at my parents' house, where he knows I'm staying for the holidays. It includes some stuff he's returning, nothing valuable, just a half empty shampoo bottle and a book, a note addressed to me and a letter addressed to my parents. I put it in a box because I'm worried that if I read it, it will destroy my progress and make me upset. But I don't want to bin it either, I'd rather leave it sitting there in that box. We broke up in September. In late November, he sent me a birthday card with a small gift and I just cried. I then sent him an email to say I needed some months to think before I could speak with him and that we both need to work on ourselves, so I wasn't expecting anything at Christmas. I really don't know what to do. I've never had an ex be this persistent with me. In a way, I could see it as him still caring for me. But at the same time, if that was the case, wouldn't he have made an effort when we were still together? It's just quite upsetting. :(

 

Any thoughts?

[alphamale]

hmm, this is a hard one.

 

what would I do?  I would delete everything of his (phone, email, pics, etc...) IF you don't have feelings for him anymore.  Now if you MAY have some feelings left you should wait until after New Years to contact him.  He needs to learn a lesson here so tell him you are still thinking about things and haven't made up your mind (which is true).

 

Remember that if you do get back together things will most likely go south as they did before.

good luck

[Purepony]

If you are not ready to speak to him you don’t have to. 
 

For the meantime think about how you feel inside mentally and physically. 
 

when you are in tune and think of him how do you feel ? Do you get tense ? Do you get happy ? 
 

That should help guide you in the first step 

[schlumpy]

I sense a lot of angst in your post. I don't really read your post as indecisive. If that were true you would have read his note because he obviously is trying to find a way back. I agree with Alpha that nothing really has changed and that if you give in you may find yourself writing to this forum next year also.

 

Only consider taking him back if there is some positive change in the dynamics between the two of you. That might mean couples counseling so that you can discover the roots of your incompatibility but keep in mind that does not mean you will be able to overcome it.

 

I think that's it's easier to move on and place your old beau in the learn from my mistakes category.

 

I'd tell you to relax and go to the mall and watch the kids climb onto Santa's lap, but I'm not sure they do that in the UK.

[Veronica73]

I don’t know what to say, except that it’s absolutely not too much to expect a man to apologize. 

 

Unfortunately many of them won’t, but you’re better off alone than with somebody like that. It will wear you down unless you are some kind of superwoman who looks down on men and doesn’t think they are as good as women.

[thecrucible]

@Purepony - I would say that there are still feelings there but I've also been burnt before as we have already broken up twice and got back together and the same problems have still cropped up. When I think of him, I don't think badly of him but I also feel scared of wasting my own time and of everything going wrong. I do feel quite angsty because we had problems and I tried to resolve them in the relationship but he didn't want to know at the time. As a result, it's confusing to get letters and I think "why didn't he care enough at the time?". Several months before on different occasions when we had gotten into an argument on the phone, he'd said things like "I think we should just break up" and seemed to be goading me into doing it. So I drifted apart from him as well because of that. My brain is now saying "why would someone who said they wanted to break up, be trying to get me back?". 

 

@schlumpy - Thank you. I'll definitely be able to relax. It's hard to close that door so when he pops up in my life again, I don't know what to do. We had gone to one therapy session when we broke up. I broke up with him as it just feel like it had gotten worse. He didn't really want to do therapy but gave in eventually. However at that first therapy session, I let out everything to the counsellor I had told him but he hadn't heard - that he didn't apologise, that he hadn't done things months ago he had promised (like talking to his friend about something as I'd asked him to do), that he wouldn't meet me halfway (we were meant to meet up but he wouldn't meet me unless I went all the way there and wouldn't compromise by meeting halfway) . We went for a walk afterwards at my suggestion and I wanted to just talk but he got annoyed because I didn't want to hug (he hadn't seen me for weeks on end so I wasn't in that mood). Then he wrote me a rather negative and patronising letter that I had a bad attitude to therapy for saying things about him he didn't like and he didn't want to do therapy if it is like that. I felt even worse then. If this is not a safe space to say how I feel then where is? He thought I wanted to go to therapy "to win" and I guess I understand why he felt that way but I don't know what else to do if someone won't listen to what you're saying.

 

@Veronica73 - Yes to me it's not about him saying he was wrong, but just acknowledging my feelings. For instance, if he was annoyed at me and had raised his voice and made me cry, I would want someone who loved me to be a bit affected by that and feel bad almost straight away rather than me have to end up in a battle of wits until they apologised to me. I don't think I hold grudges and if I had had a sincere apology, I could feel better and move on. This apology topic has come up a lot with my friends since and some of them are saying I expect too much from men but I still hold on hope that I'm not utterly deluded. I'm sad it ended like this because if he had just said to me at the time "I'm really sorry I've hurt you but I really care and I want to make this right" then it would have made all the difference. It's such an easy thing to say but he didn't say it.

 

Thanks so much for the advice, everyone. I really appreciate it. 

[assertives]

I think everytime you reread what you wrote in your posts here you will get your answer why things aren't going to work out with him. This did not sound like a healthy and fruitful relationship at all. Life is too short to be wasting time on a 3rd run with him. Sounds like he doesn't like the hard work that comes with sustaining a relationship and is only down for all the fun side of being in one. When things aren't going his way and he has to face up to his side of the bargain and actually putting in the work to be a better partner, he takes the easy way out by throwing in the towel and even push you to do the work of breaking up.

 

Now that things have "settled" and the angst/angry feelings regarding those issues are hopefully overshadowed by feelings of longing, heartache, loneliness and perhaps regrets, he comes sniffing around and pulling stunts hoping to "reset" the relationship. I would suggest not reading too much into any letters or cards or messages that he sends you. You may just be projecting your feelings on him when you think he actually cares by all these gestures post breakup. As for the apology, I honestly think you should just let it go already. Your hang up on this apology feels like it's holding you back from your healing. Find the closure from within yourself. The kind of apology that you want, I suspect wouldn't come from him because he does not sincerely feel that he was in the wrong. Even if he did apologize, it would be an empty one. Perhaps when you stop expecting or hoping for an apology from him, you'll see all his actions now in a different light.

 

Continue to block and ignore him until you are in a better headspace. Then you can re-evaluate again if this relationship is still worth a 3rd run.

[thecrucible]

@assertives - Thank you very much for your long and thoughtful reply it really helped. I am very confused as to why he writes to me asking for me back when he was the one who chose to break up with me. This is the main source of my angst...and I still feel a strong sense of guilt over giving up on him due to his inability to apologise. I am not expecting an apology from him now. I am being strong and not responding but the desire to respond mainly out of guilt is still hanging over me. Some would say that it could show that he genuinely cares...but what I am feeling is that I don't want to get in a continuous cycle of him not caring until I'm gone....It might be he does everything to get me back but then goes back to his usual ways. I'm trying to tell myself I did the best I could do in that relationship. So my aim I guess is to try and release myself from the guilt that I feel. Thank you for helping me get some perspective. It did help. 

[thecrucible]

I am now really tempted to message him so I'm going to sleep on it and think a while longer. 2.30am here!

[Purepony]

Let us know how it goes but I think at this point your better off without him unless he really does something extreme to change your mind and so far it seems like his extreme measure is texting or calling you and if you ask me that’s not enough 

[thecrucible]

@Purepony - Thank you. It’s not calling or texting as I’ve blocked him. It’s letters he’s sent - two so far since we broke up in September. However I can’t even read them yet as it’s all too raw. 

[stillafool]

I probably would have written "Return to Sender" on them and sent them back.  How did he know you were staying at your parents for the Holidays and even remember their address?

[thecrucible]

@stillafool - I think he must have guessed and he’s been here before. He also wrote a letter to my parents but I don’t want to give it to them and draw them into it. 

[Purepony]

5 hours ago, thecrucible said:

@stillafool - I think he must have guessed and he’s been here before. He also wrote a letter to my parents but I don’t want to give it to them and draw them into it. 

I must have forgot about that 

 

well I think it’s worth a read or post the lettter abs well read it lol .. kidding on the last part