The Type of Woman for Mysterio

[Mysterio]

Looking back at my life.  This is what I see with women in a romantic context.  

 

If I like a woman.  I go up to her.  Talk to her and make her acquaintance.  If I want to date her or even think it in my head.  There is always an obstacle.

 

If a woman likes me.  She makes my acquaintance.  There is no Obstacle for her towards me for the most part.  I wonder why that is.  Unless that woman is Married/Has a BF.  There is no real conflict in getting together romantically.  

 

When I look at my male friends with their SO.  As I have stated before.  None of them chased after the women in any major way.  All my GF basically made the moves on me first and the relationship was smooth up until we broke up.  I pretty much got what I wanted.  

 

Here is what I want in a nutshell.  I am 48/No kids.  I have a Condo.  Work 15-20 minutes away from work at the Hospital.  I am in fit shape.  200 lbs and going down to a goal LBS of 177 lbs or so.  I am 5'9.  Black male.  I would say that my demeanour is chill and not hyper.  

 

What I would like to build into is a romantic relationship where we both have Interesting Conversations and Laughs.  We do Social and Recreational activities.  Lots of Physical Affection between us.  There is Resepct/Support/Space and Flexability between us.  Accepted Spiritual beliefs between us.  This is before there is talk about having Bio kids between us or living together be it Cohab or Marriage.  Also meeting our close family and friends.  I don't want kids unless we are rock solid.  If she has 1-2 Teenagers.  I will adapt.  Little kids I can't see working for me.  I want us to be a couple that enjoys each others company.  I don't want us in total separate worlds/not trying to be attached at the hip.

 

Even though I feel young for 48.  I just want to change this single lifestyle.  I am not a loner.  

 

Am I just having bad luck romantically connecting to women or am I doing something wrong.  Once again.  Any woman I try to romance.  Its does not go well.  The woman that like me.  Basically say it and we have a go at it until it possible declines.

 

Last GF was 2012.  Last 3 dating situation were 2013/2015/2017.  Thats me making the effort towards the woman.  

 

[basil67]

Do you have opportunities to meet many women?  If not, broadening your social life would be a good start. 

[chillii]

l'd be guessing those obstacle times were just a bit of a bad run and really , crazy to rule that out and not keep trying . Most need to know in that way stuff just comes out in your first one or 2 convos anyway, before it even gets to anything more.

You know , things happened that way for a few people you know , but really , so what , probably just coincidence because there's a 1000 other ways people all over , get together  .

Maybe that idea is why it's been so long for you man and been holding you back.

[Envy123]

I've always been in the same boat.

 

It has always been successful if I don't make a move first, but the woman shows interest first and then I make the move. Otherwise, I wouldn't dare risk it with someone who may or may not like me back.

 

It has turned out that at least one woman tried to subtly show interest in me but I never caught on because I assumed she was just being friendly. She had to spell it out for me. But I'm risk-averse and don't want to ruin perfectly good friendships, so c'est la vie.

[Foxhall]

Briefly from a selfish point of view I read your post and my first thought is well if things do not work out with my current girlfriend,  I will probably be in the same boat as yourself in another 8 or 9 years, (then again that would not be so bad I suppose)

 

Its not that easy find someone is it,

 

In your favour you are happy enough and keeping social.

I guess all you can do is try and live as full of life as you can, keep being social and getting yourself out there, chances are you will find someone in due course,

 

keep the spirits up, keep believing that you are a good catch and perhaps take a few more chances in the new year. join a few events and make that extra effort to talk to more women.

[alphamale]

are you looking to date white women or black women or something in between?

[RecentChange]

From your posts over the years....

 

It seems like you have a laundry list of traits you want your future girlfriend to have.

 

And preconceived notions about how you will meet, how the relationship will develop, all this stuff about not chasing, and "barriers" in the past etc if you did chase.

 

I wonder if, because you have seemed to form this "vision" of how things should go, and you have ruminated over it so much.... 

 

That you might miss out on opportunities because they do not match this story line you have developed in your head.

 

Personally I think doing more living in the moment, more going with the flow, or even a bit of chasing if a girl ticks some of your boxes (no one woman is going to tick them all) - might do you good.

 

I feel it's the same as the girl who watches too many romantic comedies and gets let down when life doesn't follow her imagination. 

[carhill]

OP, I had dinner last Thursday with our iteration of what you've historically presented. He's 59, never married, rarely had a girlfriend, no ambiguity about being 'gay' (he's not), financially secure, impeccably dressed, always polite, church every Sunday, rarely drinks, no tobacco ever. He has had, historically, a very rigid framework for relationships. Detailed. Only negative I can observe is he's a bit 'stiff', usually lacking easy warmth. However, that's my perception, something others may or may not perceive.

 

One observation from long experience.....Love/relationships is more like art and less like math. There's no perfect equation. Imperfection and chaos, plenty.

[basil67]

I was hesitant to mention your rigid structure for how a relationship starts, timelines, expectations etc.....but since Recent Change opened the topic.....

 

My suggestion is to loosen up.  Life never happens how we plan it, so it's best to go with the flow.   And when we go with the flow, life can hand us things which are better than what we hoped for anyway.  

 

[greymatter]

I agree one of the obstacles may be your reluctance to pursue. Note that I didn't say chase. There is a difference between the two. 

[mark clemson]

Make yourself as attractive as possible so they chase you. This includes body language, many women are very sensitive to it. Try to be socially fluent - do you come across as boring or predictable? Try to be a bit more "spicy" without being alienating and provide lots of validation without being superficial or phony (both of these can be a fine line). Try to demonstrate your ability to "provide" - even if a woman doesn't want a family, she may respond to this anyhow. Try to show how you are a guy who's "on top," a winner, albeit in your own way. All of these things may help.

 

Agree with the advice above to be flexible. Serendipity rather than structure perhaps if "structure" isn't working.

[Yosemite]

My suggestion would be to read your past threads. Your posts are often extremely similar to what you've posted in your OP in this thread. I don't say that to sound rude, but to point out that you might be stuck in a rut with your thought process. You've had this philosophy that the right woman will approach you for a while now, but I guess it hasn't happened. Maybe it's time for a new thought process and new ideas. My suggestion is to join and participate in a wide range of activities, look for indicators of interest from women, and then you approach those women. Might as well try something new....why not? Good luck.

[Foxhall]

the philipino/thai bride could be an option,

 

there was another poster here who was going with that, I wonder how is it working out.🤔

[alphamale]

22 hours ago, alphamale said:

are you looking to date white women or black women or something in between?

you forgot to answer my question above Mysterio

[chillii]

23 hours ago, carhill said:

OP, I had dinner last Thursday with our iteration of what you've historically presented. He's 59, never married, rarely had a girlfriend, no ambiguity about being 'gay' (he's not), financially secure, impeccably dressed, always polite, church every Sunday, rarely drinks, no tobacco ever. He has had, historically, a very rigid framework for relationships. Detailed. Only negative I can observe is he's a bit 'stiff', usually lacking easy warmth. However, that's my perception, something others may or may not perceive.

 

One observation from long experience.....Love/relationships is more like art and less like math. There's no perfect equation. Imperfection and chaos, plenty.

 

Funny , from the wAY you describe , yeah , there'd be no surprises at all that his still single to me.

[JoeyArnold]

On 12/22/2019 at 4:37 PM, Mysterio said:

Am I just having bad luck romantically connecting to women

 

I wonder what Stefan Molyneux might say in response to this.

[JoeyArnold]

On 12/23/2019 at 11:33 AM, Envy123 said:

It has always been successful if I don't make a move first, but the woman shows interest first and then I make the move. Otherwise, I wouldn't dare risk it with someone who may or may not like me back.

 

That is a smart position, generally.

[JoeyArnold]

On 12/23/2019 at 11:33 AM, Envy123 said:

It has turned out that at least one woman tried to subtly show interest in me but I never caught on because I assumed she was just being friendly. She had to spell it out for me. But I'm risk-averse and don't want to ruin perfectly good friendships, so c'est la vie.

 

Me too probably. Some girls showed interest in me during college and at least one time at a camp I was working at. Her name was Amber I think. Now, I could be wrong about this, so I apologize to her if she is reading this. I liked her. I still kind of like her. I didn't say that to her. But she invited me to her house one time. We were watching a movie called the Butterfly Effect. We were riding bicycles down the road. We then stopped somewhere for some ice-cream. So, looking back at that, I think that might have been a date, for example. But at the time, I didn't think of it as a date. I was also a little subconscious at that time in 2008. So, I was trying to act cool whenever I would talk to her. I was hoping that nobody thought that I liked her or anything. Well, I did but I also didn't want to date anybody at that time. I was kind of busy or whatever with other things. So, I don't want to say that she liked me. I don't really know. But you never know. So, my advice to my younger self would be to stay in contact with people like that. For the record, I'm not saying that was an official date. I don't know what it was. And perhaps our Salvation Army camp in Oregon had a no dating policy. So, maybe we wouldn't even be allowed to date during the summer. And after the summer, I think she went off to another state or something. But my advice to people is to simply keep in contact with your friends because you never know. But be patient. Don't be too blind or too paranoid either haha.

[Mysterio]

I have male friends that fall on both sides of women.  My buddy MK married a woman who for the most part is the classic wife.  She is the girl next door sweet.  My other friend DB met his wife on line in 2003.  Married her in 2004 after getting his sister to process the legal work to get her divorced to finality.  They had two kids.  One in 2005 the other in August 2007.  Then his wife said that she wanted to split up in March of 2008 and there was no hope of working it out.  She stated to DB that the feelings were gone.  She then had someone right away.  Got pregnant in 2009 with twins and broke up with the Twins father in 2010.  Stuff like that just makes my head spin.  So in my head.  I have to be careful and know who I am dating.  

 

For me.  Its not that I want to get married right away or have kids.  I just thought dating would have been more fun and joyous.  Its like a chore and the women around me, come off like its a chore for them.   I just don't want to keep blindly ask women out on dates aimlessly.  

 

Like I keep saying.  My picks for dating never really flow my way.  The women that pick me.  I towards them. It goes their way and mine when they like me first.  Its a pattern I keep seeing.  I guess I have to accept it and keep on trucking along.  When I think about my friends and making friends.  There does not seem to be major problems.  I don't get it.  

 

As far as dating a Black/White woman.  I don't care about ethnicity as much, but I am more around White Women for the most part.  I live in Canada.  Most of the my friends are white/same with Co-wokers.  Also my music is more Classic Rock and Roll and Metal/Jazz.  When I go to those venues.  There are more White people there for the most part.  If I want to go to more Black venues.  Its more Hip Hop/Reggae and all that.  That music is not on my radar as much for the most part.  

 

I guess I am trying to feel out what I really want.  Do I want to get married and have kids or do I just want a GF?  I guess I am making it more worse than it really is.  I figure that at age 48.  There comes a time where you just want something steady.  The only way I think Dating would be great.  Would be the woman likes the man.  Does the leg work towards the man with affection and making plans.  He has to do be making an effort to as well.  

 

I just can't understand why it feels more of a fight for me just dating and it going smoothly.  Than others.  Then again I don't have any Divorce or kids to contend with.  So any woman being with me.  She is not dealing with that in a negative way.  

[Mysterio]

I don't think that my timelines are really rigid.  2 yrs of dating and anything after that would be Cohab/Marriage/Kids would be discussed.  I can't meet a woman in 6 months get married and have kids with her.  She would have to be so phenomenal.  I even think that my parents meeting Summer of 1968 and marring in Winter-Nov or 69 was too quick.  Why must we rush one of the most major parts of our lives.  Why can't we get to know someone.  When I date.  I am not thinking about having kids with the woman or marrying her or anything like that.  

 

The factors I am thinking of when dating a woman is.  Interesting Conversations and Laughs.  Doing Social and Recreational Activities with her.  How we connect with each other in Physical Affection.  Thats it.  Until we are both vibe with each other.  Nothing more than that can happen.  

 

I just feel like the LTR with a woman will be her making the moves on me, and then us working it out with each other.  More than me spotting the woman and making that effort.  It can't be me seeing her and looking at her looks only and making that decision to make it into more.  

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I agree 100% with what RC posted.  In fact I was trying to form a similar response so I do hope you take the time to process RC’s post.

 

Being in a LTR is about learning how to be a really good person to your partner.  Being with someone who is different from you makes you grow by forcing you out of your comfort zone.  

Having a rigid view of what you want results in very little personal growth as you are stuck in your little circle of comfort.  To be successful in L T R’s you have to surrender yourself at some point.  That is when something special forms and can start to grow.  When I say surrender I don’t mean your needs but your expectations.  

 

You talk a lot about what you want.  But have you thought about what you can give?  

Sure you may make a good bf on paper but it is the little things and every day actions that makes relationships great, not how together your life is etc.

 

[Envy123]

11 hours ago, JoeyArnold said:

 

Me too probably. Some girls showed interest in me during college and at least one time at a camp I was working at. Her name was Amber I think. Now, I could be wrong about this, so I apologize to her if she is reading this. I liked her. I still kind of like her. I didn't say that to her. But she invited me to her house one time. We were watching a movie called the Butterfly Effect. We were riding bicycles down the road. We then stopped somewhere for some ice-cream. So, looking back at that, I think that might have been a date, for example. But at the time, I didn't think of it as a date. I was also a little subconscious at that time in 2008. So, I was trying to act cool whenever I would talk to her. I was hoping that nobody thought that I liked her or anything. Well, I did but I also didn't want to date anybody at that time. I was kind of busy or whatever with other things. So, I don't want to say that she liked me. I don't really know. But you never know. So, my advice to my younger self would be to stay in contact with people like that. For the record, I'm not saying that was an official date. I don't know what it was. And perhaps our Salvation Army camp in Oregon had a no dating policy. So, maybe we wouldn't even be allowed to date during the summer. And after the summer, I think she went off to another state or something. But my advice to people is to simply keep in contact with your friends because you never know. But be patient. Don't be too blind or too paranoid either haha.

 

And that woman who spelled it out, became incredibly bitter and blocked off all contact.

 

The women who are more honest with their intentions, are the ones I go for, all other things being equal of course.

[elaine567]

As others have pointed out your philosophy is to wait for this mythical woman to choose you.
You are 48, no-one has essentially showed up since 2012 and they are not going to either...
50 is the next challenge for you and I suggest you start working very hard to find someone and make them yours, before you hit that milestone.
You have freewheeled long enough, time to take some serious positive action, else you WILL be alone forever.

[Envy123]

I concur.

 

In fact, I am very dissatisfied with the type of woman I attract, coming to think of it. They look pretty but I feel bored easily with them. I think it's time for me to change focus, or I'll constantly spend the rest of my life with women who bore me to tears.

[basil67]

18 hours ago, Mysterio said:

I don't think that my timelines are really rigid.  2 yrs of dating and anything after that would be Cohab/Marriage/Kids would be discussed.  I can't meet a woman in 6 months get married and have kids with her.  She would have to be so phenomenal.  I even think that my parents meeting Summer of 1968 and marring in Winter-Nov or 69 was too quick.  Why must we rush one of the most major parts of our lives.  Why can't we get to know someone.  When I date.  I am not thinking about having kids with the woman or marrying her or anything like that.  

 

See, this is what we're talking about - it's all about you and your timetable.  Your way or the highway.   Out of curiosity, did your parents end up with a good marriage?   

 

 

18 hours ago, Mysterio said:

 

The factors I am thinking of when dating a woman is.  Interesting Conversations and Laughs.  Doing Social and Recreational Activities with her.  How we connect with each other in Physical Affection.  Thats it.  Until we are both vibe with each other.  Nothing more than that can happen.  

 

I just feel like the LTR with a woman will be her making the moves on me, and then us working it out with each other.  More than me spotting the woman and making that effort.  It can't be me seeing her and looking at her looks only and making that decision to make it into more.  

 

And again, this is what you do, ruminating over the perfect woman and dating scenario.   Mate, it's not gonna happen like this.  Have flexibility.  Take a chance.  Most of all, stop planning.