Is it right to give your boyfriend an ultimatum to choose between his ex and you?

[sheikh]

So, I recently started dating this guy (J). He seemed like a great guy and really in love with me. After going out with him, I come to know he used to have casual sex with one of his close friends (let's call her R) almost regularly.

We started going out a month before his birthday. At his birthday party, while making out with me, he said he wanted to sleep with her or atleast make out. I told him to go ahead, but then don't come back to me as infidelity/two-timing is a deal breaker for me. He didn't go to her then. Later, we decided to date exclusively. It's been three months since.

Him and his friends like to party every weekend. I don't prefer that. R is always around. One night, they all were going out for clubbing, I didn't want to. So we met and kissed infront of everyone. R saw this. Later that night, everyone smoked up. R tried to kiss him. J pushed her away saying he is dating me and he doesn't want to do this.

Then, another weekend, we all went clubbing, all of us were drunk. I started talking with three people in a public place. He got insecure and yelled on me about it. Then, he proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the night, and cuddle, hug, walk with R in his arm. I was walking behind them. He saw I was upset so he tried to talk to me. I didn't. He came back apologizing that he felt bad and wanted to get back at me. He did it coz he was drunk, he was really sorry. I accepted his apology. 

During another fight, he ditched seeing me and went clubbing for the whole night with just R. I was hurt, I ended up insulting both of them. Later on, we both apologized and made up.

Just last weekend, we were at a house party. He asked me to marry him. The next minute, he saw R crying. He then told me to get out of the room and took her in. I asked to stay and calm her down. He told me to trust him, that they will be back in 5 minutes and closed the door on my face. After 5 minutes, I opened the door to see him laying on top of her and kissing her on her cheek. He saw me looking at them, came to the door and locked it. They were inside for 30 minutes. I decided to end it with him there and then. After coming out, he apologized for insulting and humiliating me infront of everyone. The whole night, he kept following me around and apologizing when I didn't want to see his face. When I got tired and laid down, he came and laid besides me, and begged and pleaded to not walk away. He kept kissing me when I didn't want to. After 3 hours, I gave in. We had sex. (This always happens. He knows I get manipulated with sex. I couldn't resist it after 3 hours. Every fight ends in sex, with him initiating it while I'm upset.) He told me nothing happened between them. She was crying, he hugged her while she was laying down, got on top of her and kissed her on her face only (not lips) 5-6 times and that's it. He begged me to give him one last chance. I said I would think about it. In the meanwhile, I f*cked R up. I told her she had no dignity and self respect and neither did J. (He was standing besides me, not trying to defend her.) She got me humiliated and her image f*cked. She has a chance to speak now, because she kept telling J in the room how much she hates me and my face. She didn't utter a word or make eye contact with me. She cried and left. She went in the same room, J went in after her and locked it for 25 minutes. He then calmed her down and asked her to apologize to me because what they did was wrong. She apologized for the sake of it and said she hates me.

Now, few days back, I come to know from one of their other friends that they've been constantly going out behind my back. They even had sex in this friend's car backseat and ruined it.

I have PTSD and few days back my anxiety was acting up. I asked to see J by 6 pm. He said he is going out, be will see me by night. I told him I really needed him. He said he will see me by 9.
Yesterday, he told me he went to meet R for half hour halfway across the city.

I also came to know yesterday that she has insisted on going on a 10 days trip starting from next week with him. I was supposed to go initially, but I cancelled. It's a tour with friends.

Now, my problem here is I don't trust either of them. He would say he f*cked up because he got high. She is also constantly besides him doing whatever drugs he is doing.

I told him clearly that I am not okay with her going with him. He said he won't stop her. He is, in fact, supporting her to come along. When I questioned him today about the car sex and R, he got defensive and dumped me.

I said I would like to speak to R, he said she doesn't want to ever see me or my face or hear my voice. I was wrong for doubting and yelling on her. She is a bigger person as she didn't say anything back. But she wouldn't ever talk to me as he won't let her. He wouldn't let me "attack" her ever again.

I gave him an ultimatum that you need to choose between me and her. He said I have chosen you 10 times over her and I would continue to do so. Whether you believe it or not, it's your call.

I want to believe him, but his behaviour speaks otherwise.

So, right now, we are broken up. He wants to just be friends. And I am okay with it. I have a gut feeling that he is guilty, hence he is trying everything in his power to stop me from reaching R.

But I understand that being friends is also a gray area. What should I do? Should I dump his ass now and forever? He is making me question my own sanity, that's why I am asking here!!!!

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Do you enjoy all the drunken fights, cheating, and drama, because I really don't understand why you are participating in this mess?

 

You've caught him on lying on top of her kissing, shutting the door in your face so he can have sex with her with you in the next room, making plans to go away on holiday together, having sex with her in his friend's car, how is that not enough to end things with him?  He's rubbed his cheating in your face multiple times with zero shame, yet you keep coming back for more.  He knows he can do it whenever he likes.  That's messed up.

 

This behavior should be unacceptable to you.  This loser has two women desperate for his breadcrumbs, both willing to take turns with him while he plays one off the other, it's gross.  Seriously, people like this will destroy your self esteem and make you constantly question yourself.  It's already happening.  

 

He doesn't have any respect for you, so it is up to you to show some respect for yourself and cut him out of your life permanently.   

 

You deserve better than this.

 

[Sunlight72]

Ring a ding ding.  Scarlett.O'hara said it all OP.  Just read that twice more if you need to.

[sheikh]

Thanks Scarlett. I don't want to be with him. He keeps begging and pleading. But yes, I'm not going to let that affect me anymore. I've only been loyal and honest. I know I deserve better. There's only so many chances you can give to one person.

I don't enjoy these fights. It's a constant battle for my self respect. I am not going to stand around for this nonsense. 

The reason I asked here is that everytime I bring these topics up, he acts like I'm a "crazy girlfriend" and I'm overreacting. He has some kind of a control over me, because of which I've started doubting my own sanity Thanks for your help, love! ❤️

[PegNosePete]

53 minutes ago, sheikh said:

Thanks Scarlett. I don't want to be with him. He keeps begging and pleading. But yes, I'm not going to let that affect me anymore. I've only been loyal and honest. I know I deserve better. There's only so many chances you can give to one person.

I don't enjoy these fights. It's a constant battle for my self respect. I am not going to stand around for this nonsense. 

The reason I asked here is that everytime I bring these topics up, he acts like I'm a "crazy girlfriend" and I'm overreacting. He has some kind of a control over me, because of which I've started doubting my own sanity Thanks for your help, love! ❤️

 

The problem is you are "bringing up" issues. When you should be slamming the door in his face!

 

The only thing that is important is the first sentence you wrote: you don't want to be with him. So don't. You do not need his permission, acceptance or signature to dump him! You just say "bye" and never speak to him again.

 

The only "control" he has over you, is the control that you give him.

[sheikh]

51 minutes ago, PegNosePete said:

 

The problem is you are "bringing up" issues. When you should be slamming the door in his face!

 

The only thing that is important is the first sentence you wrote: you don't want to be with him. So don't. You do not need his permission, acceptance or signature to dump him! You just say "bye" and never speak to him again.

 

The only "control" he has over you, is the control that you give him.

I needed to hear this. I'm going to take the control back and dump his ass. I've tried it before too, but he just doesn't behave like we have broken up. He doesn't acknowledge it and insists that we stay and meet as friends. But now, I am going to severe all ties with him and cut him out of my life.

[schlumpy]

A team of psychologists couldn't straighten out this mess. This is nothing more then High School Antics sprinkled with sex. Everyone is discovering themselves and having growth experiences and you seem to be sleep walking though the whole thing.

 

I don't know when you will wake up. One day you'll get up and look in the mirror and see the time you've wasted written in a line on your face. Perhaps that's what it will take and that's a shame because I see the core of a decent person among the bad decisions you are making.

 

I know it's hard when you are young but please look past the moment and ask yourself what is the likely outcome of the lifestyle you are living and the future you hope to have with the friends you choose to share yourself with? Do not settle for less then what you think you deserve.

[JTSW]

No woman should ever have to fight for the attention of her boyfriend with another woman.

He enjoys the attention from both of you. 

He enjoys having two women love him.

He enjoys making the both of you jealous.

He enjoys playing the both of you off against each other.

Stick to what you vowed and cut him completely out of your life. You deserve better.

[stillafool]

You should have been gone when he came out of the bedroom (after 30 more minutes) with his ex.  Now you are putting up with a trip they are going to take together.  Why don't you just tell him to f off and go be with her.  Staying around accepting his behavior, as you see, is not helping you.  You are being their doormat.  When you get the courage to leave and block this guy you will see a big change in his actions.  You are afraid to let him go and still want him no matter what you say or you wouldn't put up with this.  He provides good sex but so do millions of other men.  Start loving you more than him.  She is not going to let him go so what are you going to do?

[PegNosePete]

4 hours ago, sheikh said:

he just doesn't behave like we have broken up. He doesn't acknowledge it and insists that we stay and meet as friends.

It is impossible for him to behave like anything unless you allow it.

 

If he calls, don't answer. He texts, delete it without reading it. He social media's you, you block him. He approaches you in the street, you hold up your hand and do not speak except "LEAVE ME ALONE" very loudly.

 

He has no control except what YOU allow him to have!

[smackie9]

I got half way through your post.... You show a lot of strength to ditch this ahole (yay!). Keep being strong and know you are worth it, and he's not.

[stillafool]

Stay broken up and NO you cannot trust them.  You also cannot be his friend.  Find a new group of friends that do not include him and R.

[sheikh]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

You are afraid to let him go and still want him no matter what you say or you wouldn't put up with this.  He provides good sex but so do millions of other men.  Start loving you more than him.  She is not going to let him go so what are you going to do?

I am afraid about ending it because he can get vengeful. But I am not going to put up with this anymore. He tried to get back together again yesterday, I clearly told him no and cut him out from social media.

I know that girl is not going to let him go. Neither is he. The only option for me is to take my dignity and walk away from these toxic people.

Edited December 24, 2019 by sheikh

[sheikh]

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

Stay broken up and NO you cannot trust them.  You also cannot be his friend.  Find a new group of friends that do not include him and R.

Yes. That's exactly what I am doing.

[sheikh]

12 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I got half way through your post.... You show a lot of strength to ditch this ahole (yay!). Keep being strong and know you are worth it, and he's not.

I should've done this last week itself. Better late than never..

[sheikh]

12 hours ago, PegNosePete said:

It is impossible for him to behave like anything unless you allow it.

 

If he calls, don't answer. He texts, delete it without reading it. He social media's you, you block him. He approaches you in the street, you hold up your hand and do not speak except "LEAVE ME ALONE" very loudly.

 

He has no control except what YOU allow him to have!

Agreed. I had to pick up some stuff from him yesterday. He tried to kiss and hug me. I loudly said NO and walked away.

[Brennan72]

You did the right thing--give this guy his walking papers and move on. At the end of the day, you ned to look yourself in the mirror and be happy with what you see 

[sheikh]

22 hours ago, schlumpy said:

A team of psychologists couldn't straighten out this mess. This is nothing more then High School Antics sprinkled with sex. Everyone is discovering themselves and having growth experiences and you seem to be sleep walking though the whole thing.

 

I don't know when you will wake up. One day you'll get up and look in the mirror and see the time you've wasted written in a line on your face. Perhaps that's what it will take and that's a shame because I see the core of a decent person among the bad decisions you are making.

 

I know it's hard when you are young but please look past the moment and ask yourself what is the likely outcome of the lifestyle you are living and the future you hope to have with the friends you choose to share yourself with? Do not settle for less then what you think you deserve.

Thanks for not mincing your words and showing me the mirror. He is going to get what he deserves, and I'm not staying around, no matter what.

[sheikh]

21 hours ago, JTSW said:

No woman should ever have to fight for the attention of her boyfriend with another woman.

He enjoys the attention from both of you. 

He enjoys having two women love him.

He enjoys making the both of you jealous.

He enjoys playing the both of you off against each other.

Stick to what you vowed and cut him completely out of your life. You deserve better.

I agree. In just three months, I've turned into a super insecure person, constantly living with self doubt.

[sheikh]

5 hours ago, Brennan72 said:

You did the right thing--give this guy his walking papers and move on. At the end of the day, you ned to look yourself in the mirror and be happy with what you see 

Thanks, Brennan! 

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, sheikh said:

I am afraid about ending it because he can get vengeful.

Do not be afraid to contact the police if you fear you are in danger.

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, sheikh said:

Agreed. I had to pick up some stuff from him yesterday. He tried to kiss and hug me. I loudly said NO and walked away.

Do not go over his house to pick up stuff alone.  Take someone with you or send someone else to get your stuff.  I hope you have it all by now so you don't have to go back.

[kendahke]

Quote

Is it right to give your boyfriend an ultimatum to choose between his ex and you?

Only if you're prepared to walk away in that moment.

 

If you're not prepared to walk away in that moment, then all that will do is make you look ineffective and weak.  That extends the invitation to him to keep doing what he was doing because you ain't going no where.