Does my boyfriend have a crush on a mutual co-worker?

[Yve]

Sorry, I know this turned out really long, but maybe someone has the patience to read and hopefully easy my mind.

First off, I know that no one can give me the real and honest answer to this questions, but maybe anyone can tell me some coping mechanisms as I feel like I am going crazy.

My boyfriend and I work at the same company. No one officially knows that we are in a relationship, as he doesn’t want that. But it probably also wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone if we officially said it: I often pay for both of us at lunch (we have a shared bank account for that), we arrive to some work functions together, we have hosted bbqs together … but I am sure in case anyone has ever asked him, he told them we are just good friends.

We are both in leading positions. He is directly supervising a woman in his department, so obviously they work together a lot. They communicate a lot and often have 1 on 1 meetings. I used to be very friendly with this woman as well, until I started noticing things and getting suspicious.

She is in a long distance relationship and sees her boyfriend very infrequently.

The first real incident where I got very upset, and has kicked off my paranoia, was after he came back from a few days holiday. It was only the three of us in the office in the evening, and he asked her across the room: "Did you miss me?" I looked up from what I was doing, shocked, I looked at her, she also seemed a bit puzzled at the question, laughed awkwardly and said sarcastically: "yea, of course." He answered: "That's why I came back as soon as I could!" He then turned around and smirked at me, like he just made a really funny joke. I was so angry and hurt that I immediately packed up my stuff and went home.

During the following argument he got very defensive and annoyed, and said it was just a joke. But ever since then, I cannot help but have a closer eye on their relationship, and notice these things:
- his eyes often drift in her direction, even if she is not part of the conversation. Likewise, her eyes also sometimes drift in his direction, although not as frequently as his.
- let's say during lunch with some co-workers (including her), he tells a story, and then looks at her as if to see her reaction (he used to do this with me, but it seems when she is there, she is his first choice now).
- he brings her up during work related conversations that she is not a part of, like "me and her do xy". There is no need to bring her up, imo.
- It seems very important to him that we don't forget her, asking "where is she?" or "save some food for her!" (I cannot know if he does this about me)
- She often seems to be the first person that pops into his mind. A couple of weeks ago, he was telling our boss during a rant about some other co-workers that he finds annoying: "Me and her are trying to work hard here and don't like the distractions!" While I was sitting behind him, having discussed and agreed with him about this just minutes earlier, working similarly long hours as he does, while she generally leaves on time. I later told him "I am also working hard, it's not always just you and her." To which he replied: "well, I cannot speak for you." I thought to myself "but you can speak for her?" But i didn't say anything because at this point i felt mentally exhausted already from the feeling of always having to compete with her.
- Related to this: When a co-worker left this year and his work laptop was up for grabs, I was eager to get it, as I was the only department head without one, I was using my personal laptop up until then, and I frequently work from home. Yet, his first thought was to offer it to her, reasoning: "maybe it motivates her to work from home." Meanwhile, she has stated: "i don't want a laptop because I have no interest to work from home." When I told him she said this, he just laughed.
- One time I went shopping with him, and there was a piece of clothing over which he remarked: "this is something she would wear." One time, he also called her (behavior) cute.
- Another time, we went to a work fair with a couple of co-workers, where he and she had meetings together, and he told her she looked nice (She wore a black mini skirt, a huge green woolen sweater, and mismatched blue hiking boots. I don't wanna hate, but it was neither nice, nor appropriate for meetings - he wore a suit himself). He  almost never compliments me (a thing we have had an argument about last year), so I was hurt that he dished out the compliments so easily for such a mismatched outfit, just because it was her and she apparently can do no wrong.
- Once when we had a dinner with co-workers, me and her both brought backpacks. We had to move tables, and he carried her backpack for her to the new table. Now, I don't care about my bf carrying my stuff, but the fact that his first instinct was to offer it to her instead of me was a bit hurtful.
- Preface: he and I are sitting behind each other. She comes over quite frequently to give him papers to sign or to discuss things. One day when he wasn't there, she asked me a question across the room about my work, and I replied: "you come over here so often, don't you see that?" To which she answered: "When I come over there, I only look at him!" I think it was supposed to be a joke, but at least one other person that was present made a "whoa" face.

- Once we went to lunch together, and she received the wrong meal. He then said to her: “I guess he was distracted by you!”
- I heard some people that she supervises say that she has a crush on him (in a much cruder way haha). They may have just been s***-talking her.
- She laughs at pretty much anything he says. But, she laughs kinda at anything, most of all her own stupid jokes.
- He never gets mad at her when she makes a mistake. He laughs it off and says things like “it happens”. When I make a mistake, it’s like the end of the world, and he yells at me in front of everyone. I told him before that this makes me upset, and he said he does get mad at her, but there is no need to yell at her in front of everyone .. uh ok.

I brought some of these things up during an argument in the summer, and he again insisted that he doesn’t even find her attractive  and he is just trying to have a good work relationship with her as they have to work together so much. One exact wording, copied from an email: “just being polite because we need to work together”. I honestly think some of this is more than being polite, but since mentioning this seems to make him very angry, I stopped bringing up my feelings about what I see.  But putting this all down on paper right now really makes me wanna puke.

Him saying he doesn't find her attractive is hard for me to believe, because we are physically very similar, with the exception that I work out and have a bigger/nicer butt (and he is an ass-man haha), and she seems a bit clumsy in her dress style (but maybe he interprets that as cute). Maybe it’s worth mentioning that I am older than him, and she is younger than him (meaning also younger than me). Not significantly, she is I think 7 years younger than me and he is in the middle of us. Personality-wise, she has this sweet, innocent, naive demeanor and everyone loves her. I am a bit more rough around the edges, and even if I try and think I am really nice, people never look at me that way. Work-mentality is a bit different, not saying she isn't doing a good job, but she seems to do usually only what's necessary, while I go above and beyond, work long hours, weekends and holidays. That is something he really values, but with her .. it just seems she can do whatever she wants, even things that he tells me he doesn't like, and he still loves her. I feel like I have to work really hard to receive praise from him at work, while she gets it “for free”.

I feel very hurt by this, as I feel like he is treating her better than me (at work). Full disclosure, I also want to say that when we are at home together, i usually don’t feel like she is an issue, which is why I am asking if I am just being super paranoid. I don’t think he is seeing her outside of work, because he spends almost all his time outside of work with me. We don’t live together (as that would mean revealing our situation at work), but I sleep there 6 out of 7 nights.
I don’t think they are texting outside of work - I don’t know for sure because sometimes he does kind of turn around when he is on his phone as if to hide from me what he is doing. Again, this could just be me being paranoid, maybe he only shifts his position to get more comfortable.
When we get home, I try to leave work at work, and I don’t wanna bring her up. So generally, when we are at home, everything is fine.

It also seems like he is trying to get me and her to be friends again, as he has sometimes said “you used to be such good friends..!” He has asked if we should ask her to join us for some movie nights also.

I honestly don't know if I am just hyper paranoid - because I don't actually think they are doing something when they have these meetings at work. I also don't think they have a relationship outside of work - he is with me outside of work, for 90% of his time. But then these negative feelings creep in, and I think … “yea, but of course he would not do anything with her, as he doesn’t like dating co-workers .. that’s why he is hiding our relationship as well! That does not mean he does not have feelings for her!” Also, before he started seeing/met  me, he was dating another co-worker (who is no longer at the company). So, it’s a “theme”.. ?

So, what can I do? This is making my work day much harder as everytime he walks over to her or takes her upstairs for a meeting, I get super nervous and lose all focus. My jealousy is probably also not helping anything at all. I once thought about having lunch with her and explain my feelings and ask her to be a bit more considerate and not always be so super friendly with him, but even just writing that sounds terribly stupid to me, and also does not change a thing if HE is the one having feelings, which the problem comes down to.

Sorry, I know this is a lot of information, but what do people here think? Does he have a crush? Am I overreacting? How can I get over my jealousy and fear of losing him to her?

[PegNosePete]

1 hour ago, Yve said:

So, what can I do?

 

I assume since you had an argument in the summer, that you've been dating since at least a few months before that. Meaning, at least 9 months to a year in total?

 

If I were you, what I would do is tell him look, I want a boyfriend who is a proper boyfriend, not a secret workplace boyfriend. I want my boyfriend to act like a boyfriend, not a guy who flirts with coworkers as though he's single. And if he can't be the boyfriend I want then I am going to set myself free to find someone who can. See what he says to that. He will either step up, or he will make excuses. If the latter, don't put up with it any longer, just tell him OK so you're not going to step up then we're clearly not going to work out, bye.

 

[PegNosePete]

1 hour ago, Yve said:

No one officially knows that we are in a relationship, as he doesn’t want that.

 

The reason he doesn't want that is so he can freely flirt with all the other ladies.

 

[stillafool]

Sorry, but he definitely has a crush on her and she knows it.  That is why she answered your snarky question with the "When I come over there I'm only looking at him."  She knew you were referencing her interaction with him.  I think you are wrong not to tell your bf how you feel about the special attention he is giving to her.  It would be wrong to address this with her because it sounds like she is just being herself and he is the one smitten.  Plus talking to her is not going to stop his actions.  You need to bring this to his attention even if it's hard for you because if you don't the jealousy will eat you alive.

Edited December 23, 2019 by stillafool

[PegNosePete]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

It would be wrong to address this with her

 

Yes exactly, she is doing nothing wrong because as far as she knows, he's single. He's probably told her that you're just friends but you have some kind of weird crush on him, that's why you act kind of jealous sometimes, but you've never officially dated...

 

Never ever agree to be someone secret! Especially long term. You're just letting him have his cake and eat it.

 

[Yve]

1 hour ago, PegNosePete said:

 

The reason he doesn't want that is so he can freely flirt with all the other ladies.

 

 

Well, he doesn't flirt with all the other ladies, it's just her. He is usually a very responsible guy, doesn't party or drink or  things like that. Very focused on work. 

Is it flirting, though? I have told these instances to my best friend (when they happened), and he always said he does not see this as flirting or as a problem. So, am I being too sensitive? He did admit that seeing everything listed one after the other, it didn't seem completely like "nothing" anymore, but he also says it's no reason to panic, so I really want to know if this is solvable. 

 

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

 I think you are wrong not to tell your bf how you feel about the special attention he is giving to her.  It would be wrong to address this with her because it sounds like she is just being herself and he is the one smitten.  Plus talking to her is not going to stop his actions.  You need to bring this to his attention even if it's hard for you because if you don't the jealousy will eat you alive.

 

I have brought it up two or three times, every time he shut me down, reacted annoyed and a bit angry. Like, I am crazy for suggestion he might be a little too close to her. But he doesn't stop, even though he must know that it bothers me, since i have brought it up those 2-3 times. It also does not seem to happen outside of work (as far as I know), so I honestly don't know if I am completely out of line here. 

I agree that it makes no sense talking to her, which is why I didn't, I think it's just me being desperate for this behavior to stop. 

 

1 hour ago, PegNosePete said:

 

Yes exactly, she is doing nothing wrong because as far as she knows, he's single. He's probably told her that you're just friends but you have some kind of weird crush on him, that's why you act kind of jealous sometimes, but you've never officially dated...

 

Never ever agree to be someone secret! Especially long term. You're just letting him have his cake and eat it.

 

I honestly don't think that any of our co-workers has ever brought it up to him. I think every one kinda knows it's an "open secret".  I also have to say she doesn't seem like some kind of snake, she seems like a genuinely nice person, and I don't think she would try to "steal someone else's boyfriend". But the problem for me is, does not really matter what she feels, if HE has feelings ... 

 

The reason for the secrecy, as he explained to me, as that he does not want our boss to get the wrong idea or that we can't be professional. Mostly, I can understand that, but I also don't think he has ever called me his girlfriend to anyone outside of work, like his family. I have never met them. He has met my entire family several times. But his family also lives in another country. I have met his brother once, but when he was around, he didn't treat me like a girlfriend, just like a friend. 

 

 

1 hour ago, PegNosePete said:

 

I assume since you had an argument in the summer, that you've been dating since at least a few months before that. Meaning, at least 9 months to a year in total?

 

If I were you, what I would do is tell him look, I want a boyfriend who is a proper boyfriend, not a secret workplace boyfriend. I want my boyfriend to act like a boyfriend, not a guy who flirts with coworkers as though he's single. And if he can't be the boyfriend I want then I am going to set myself free to find someone who can. See what he says to that. He will either step up, or he will make excuses. If the latter, don't put up with it any longer, just tell him OK so you're not going to step up then we're clearly not going to work out, bye.

 

Yea, we have met about 3 years ago, and started dating about a year after that (there was no official "let's be a couple" moment - it just happened over time, and it was never discussed). So roughly 2 years now. His behavior with the co-worker started about one year ago, so one year into our relationship. 

 

Edited December 23, 2019 by Yve

[PegNosePete]

Well, it's certainly time to tell him to get off the fence. Either he's your boyfriend or he's not. If he is then it won't be a secret any more, and he will start acting like someone who has a boyfriend, not like a single guy. If he's not prepared to step up then you need to move on. If I were you I'd certainly be telling him that this Christmas it's decision time and you will not be his secret GF in the New Year - it will either be a proper, normal relationship, or it will be over. He has a week to think it over.

 

[lana-banana]

23 hours ago, Yve said:

My boyfriend and I work at the same company. No one officially knows that we are in a relationship, as he doesn’t want that. But it probably also wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone if we officially said it

 

Huge, huge red flag. You aren't in the same chain of command, it's been long enough to be serious, a number of people probably suspect it already and he STILL doesn't want to be public about it? Yeah, no. That's unacceptable. As soon as my now-husband and I realized we were all-in on our relationship we told our bosses (different departments but a lot of collaboration). Most of our coworkers already knew; his own boss had even pushed us together.

 

Yes, he's overly flirtatious with this other girl and I wouldn't tolerate it. Yes, it's also bad that he isn't discouraging her. But the worst part is he refuses to respect you enough to tell everyone that you're dating. I know the importance of keeping things discreet in an office but this happens all the time, and at 6 months or so you should be comfortable telling others. It would be bad enough if he simply didn't acknowledge your relationship. Not only does he not acknowledge it, but he is definitely having way too much fun flirting with this other girl. It's up to you to decide on next steps but you're right to worry.

[Piddy]

If your company doesn't have a policy against married couples or boyfriends / girlfriends working together, and he's not your boss, then there is no reason to not come out as a couple.  Why don't you have a say in whether to come out to everyone as a couple?  Why is it just his decision?

 

I agree don't say anything to the co-worker.  She's not doing anything wrong.  The problem is with your boyfriend and I'd tell him the issues you have with his behavior. 

 

 

[Yve]

To be honest, I expected all those comments, I think I am just very afraid to act. I do see myself with him in the long run, but since the beginning I've been having this gut feeling that I am more invested in the relationship than he is. I know he is not doing anything behind my back, the "flirting" with the co-worker sounds bad, but still I know he is not doing anything with her, which is why I was hoping that I can just learn to ignore it. 

Like I said, we spend almost all our time together, we sleep together, we shop together, we cook together, we do each other's laundry, we decide on kitchen appliances together, we go on vacation together .. so a part of me was (is?) hoping there is nothing with the co-worker. After all, why would he do this in front of me if he really had any intentions? That is not how I got to know him at all. Maybe he really doesn't think anything of it, literally? And maybe I am thinking too much - why would he spend all this time with me if he fancied the co-worker more? why would he buy tickets to events to take me to that are months in the future if he didn't plan I would be around? 

 

About our company.. we are still in the start-up phase, so number of employees is not crazy. We are both the lead of our respective departments, but he is kinda like the vice-CEO, so he does trump me in hierarchy. Our departments also work closely together.. We are very young and laid-back company, the CEO and the both of us are in the same age group, and we are very friendly with each other, sometimes doing stuff together outside of work. Don't know if the CEO would have a problem with it - he certainly knows we are close, as he has for example asked me before how my bf is doing when he was home sick for a week, why would he do that if he didn't think I would see him despite being sick? My bf said his sole reasoning for being secretive is because he doesn't want to be in a position where he cannot take my side with the CEO, because the CEO could think he does that only because we are in a relationship.  Who knows, maybe the CEO has said something to him about dating co-workers.

 

But, I think most of you have identified a more underlying problem here... after knowing each other for 3 years, we have never even said I love you to each other. I feel it sooo much, but I am afraid to say it, because deep down I feel that he does not feel it. There are some moments... but overall, it's probably not enough. Why is it just his decision if we come out as a couple? Good question. We have never even called us openly a couple to each other. I always have this underlying fear if I get too close, he will move away, so I usually give him space (metaphorically mostly, sometimes literally) and wait for him to make a move. It wasn't a great love-at-first-sight-story, it took a year of work until we started something, and another year until we started sleeping over. All with my giving-him-space approach. I always gave him time until he was ready and he wanted me to sleep over.  He has always seemed more hesitant about the relationship than I am. I just don't know if that is a red flag, or if this is something that can be overcome. 

I think it is obvious that I also don't have the greatest self-esteem, so maybe the relationship can be safed if I step up a bit more and take charge, and not leave everything up to him? 

 

Edited December 25, 2019 by Yve

[PinkFlamingo]

One of my friends had a boyfriend who wanted her to be friends with the assistant at his company. And he also had a very positive opinion about her and wanted them to spend time with her. In the end, he left her for the assistant. When reading your story, the story of my friend popped up in my mind. Especially the part where he is always concerned about involving her. Most people I know do think about other people. I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to leave out anybody out and include everybody, who does the small stuff, like saving a piece of cake for someone, but from personal experience, I know that most people just don't do that, and men even less. Your boyfriend absolutely does not like that kind of person and him doing all that stuff is highly indicative that she occupies a unually big part of his mind.

Your boyfriend seems to be unable to show enthusiams towards you, but he treats the co-worker differently. What does that tell you? Maybe he hasn't done anything offensive with her behind your back, but I'm so sure that eventually, he will. The bond between you two just doesn't seem to be that strong and your boyfriend doesn't give the impression either to have very strong convictions or feelings for you that might prevent him from doing something selfish and dishonest.

I think you should have a talk with him where he sees your relationship going, because personally, I think, he is wasting your time. Do you want to have kids? Do you want to waste your relevant years on him?

[lana-banana]

21 hours ago, Yve said:

after knowing each other for 3 years, we have never even said I love you to each other

 

GIRL. You need to walk. You know better than this! If "I love you" doesn't happen in the first 6-9 months, it's not happening. And a fear of expressing yourself with your partner is just another sign that your relationship is unbalanced, unequal, and unhealthy.

 

It is clear this relationship has persisted only because you've clung to it so far and he's not keen to make waves at work. You need to walk away, from him and this company, before it costs what's left of your dignity. Given what you've said about your work environment I guarantee you are not the only person with suspicions about your boyfriend and this lady. Do you really want to be there when he breaks up with you and starts expensing lunches with her instead?

 

Hold your head high. You don't need him. Get out and do better for yourself because this guy won't give it to you.

[elaine567]

Difference between A) a woman who is serious relationship/wife/long term partner material and B) a woman who is ONS/FB/FWB/short term/casual material...
A) He is proud of her, he wants to show her off to friends and family and everyone else...
B) He is not  proud of her, he hides her away.... he denies her existence...

Sorry!

[Yve]

He came back today from visiting his family (in another country) while I had a christmas lunch with my family. While we were having lunch, he wrote me a message that he needs some space to figure out our relationship. 

 

We did not exchange any more messages after that so far. To the surprise of absolutely no one, it's not the first time he has done this. The fact that after not seeing each other for a week, instead of missing me, he asks for more space, probably says everything I need to know.

 

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts, experiences and kind words. I will now re-evaluate my life, my choices and my future. 

[PegNosePete]

Good luck Yve. Whatever his decision after his "space" to think, I think you should make your own decision. You don't have to accept this life for yourself, never be someone's secret! If you want a proper relationship then you need to tell him so, or find it elsewhere.

 

And yes staying at your job after splitting up with him will be difficult because he will almost certainly start dating her, you'll have to watch their antics, and you'll be really hurt when they go public within a month...