Emotionally Protecting my Wife ...How?

[Maxpower3979]

Does anyone have examples of times when they've felt emotionally protected by their husband?

I want to learn how to protect my wife.  There's nobody trying to fight us, we have cut off contact with the people who were emotionally abusive to her (my parents), and I've been waiting for many months for an opportunity to shout "Don't you talk to my wife that way!", and thus far I haven't had the opportunity.  When I tell her that someone offended me, she typically gets angry at them, which does tell me she's on my team, but isn't going to solve anything.  I am the opposite.  I am emotionally illiterate.  When my wife says "Someone was mean to me", I will typically ask many questions to try to understand the situation more.  I'm nearly always oblivious to the real meaning of her statement, which is "I am hurt", to which a good response might have been "How can I help?", "Tell me how you feel", or "I'm hurt too because you are hurt."   ...Maybe I just answered my own question.  😜 Anyway, examples would still be helpful.

[basil67]

Woman here:  I don't feel emotionally protected by my husband.  That said, it's not something I want anyway because I'm quite capable of looking after my own emotions.  

 

Is this something your wife has said that she wants?   Or have you just been overthinking? 😉

[RecentChange]

While I agree I don't need to be "emotionally protected" .....

 

But you said that YOUR parents emotionally abused her - and it sounds like you didn't step in.

 

If that is what you mean by "emotional protection" the yes - my husband and I protect each other.

 

We area TEAM, and if someone starts trouble with us, they have a problem with both of us.

 

Especially if it's someone we brought into their lives. For instance my mother in law is mentally ill and can be quite nasty - my husband will defend me and put her in her place. I also do not have to spend any time around her etc - thats his job, and he protects me from her chaos. 

 

In the same notion I would never allow a friend or family member etc to disrespect him - they would know that they would have big trouble with me. 

 

Now another thing you touched on. Male vs. female communication styles. 

 

When she says someone was mean to her, she wants EMPATHY. For you to put yourself in her shoes, LISTEN and usually just be there for her while she vents.

 

Men tend to not want to just listen but SOLVE. She wasn't asking you to solve the issue for her. She wasn't asking you to emphasize with the person she was having difficulties with, or to play devil's advocate etc. She wanted her partner to listen to her and understand her.

 

So instead of problem solving - listen and ask how you can help. Would a neck rub help her with her tension from her frustrating day? Can you pick up dinner? Stuff like that. Support your team mate. 

 

So in the future, think hard, is it just venting or a request for a solution?

 

If my husband comes home and says traffic was a nightmare and he has had a long frustrating day - I am not going to ask what route he took, and tell him he should have driven this other way to avoid traffic etc - he wasn't looking for me to solve the problem.

 

Instead "ugh that sucks! Way too many people around here these days! Were you able to get lunch? Can I make you a bite to eat?"

 

Be their place of comfort, not more aggravation. 

 

Work together on problem solving when she asks for help problem solving - otherwise just listen. 

 

[K.K.]

Ask her if she wants you to try to fix it or just listen. Sometimes all I want somebody to do is just listen. Then I work it out in my own head and do what I want anyway. If they try to fix it when I don’t want that, I get resentful and quit telling them anything. 

 

Not a husband but I used to have a boyfriend that was so great in this area. If I was mad at somebody, he’d be so mad at them and point out every single way in which they sucked! Then he’d hold me real close and say (and you’re going to laugh at this) he’d say..” oh lady, my poor baby how could anybody hurt my beautiful little lady”  and dude would CRY right along with me. 

 

Sounds like a barf fest right? 

 

But it wasn’t. I always knew that guy was on my side. Always. 

 

If he wouldn’t have turned into an ultra religious cult wack job, we’d probably still be together. 

[preraph]

You don't need to go looking for trouble.  Just be sensitive and listen to her and she'll know you care and that you're there if she needs you.  Hopefully, you'll never need to "emotionally" protect her.  Of course, if she takes her car to the mechanic and you get wind maybe they're giving her the runaround, a nice polite visit to the place just to let them know you're keeping an eye on it would be fine, but only if she's okay with it.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Offering to fix is not the way to go. Listening is far better, concentrated listening, not fake listening.

 

A good friend of mine talked about how he wasted years trying to help his wife "solve" some problem when she came home and complained about some frustration at work. He realized he needed to just shut up. His wife was talking just to vent steam and to think out loud. 

 

We forget how powerful interested, nonjudgmental listening can be. When we listen, we give people room to think ... and hear themselves ... Oddly people can often hear themselves better when talking out loud to a nonjudgmental listener. As a result they can think ... and figure out what to do without any official "help." Listening is the help!

 

Not every complaint is a sign of a major offense, not even to the person complaining. Sometimes you just have a moment of vulnerability or an off-putting moment that requires some emotional processing. Joe, who I know is kind and warm, was really curt and rude to me. I don't necessarily need to take any action with Joe--except to accept that wow, Joe was weird. Wonder what's going on with him. I don't need someone to say, "you should talk to him" and "you should ..." ... Nope ... Don't need that. What I need is a little space to hold two thoughts together at the same time: one, Joe is usually wonderful; two, today something felt rude about the way he talked to me. 

 

Now, cutting ties with the family that mistreated her. My dad had to do the same thing. That's good action there, my friend. If you can do that, you can step up to any situation that would benefit from your intervention. So chill. 

 

 

[major_merrick]

I definitely feel emotionally (and physically) protect by my husband.  I don't need it and I tend to be aggressive for a girl, but I like it.  Gives me a comfortable place to be.  My husband is ok with me being sad or angry or whatever.  I can act as horrible as I want and he puts up with me.  Although I found recently that there's a limit to that.  While I can fight for myself, there's been a couple of times where someone was bothering me and my husband stepped in to deal with it.  Especially since I've been pregnant, that's helpful when my energy is low.  I know that whenever I'm with him, I'm safe. 

[lana-banana]

8 hours ago, Maxpower3979 said:

I've been waiting for many months for an opportunity to shout "Don't you talk to my wife that way!", and thus far I haven't had the opportunity.

 

I have questions...above all, why do you want to do this? Is it because you want to make up for not defending her in the past? It sounds like this is more about fulfulling a white knight fantasy of yours vs. something your wife actually needs.

[DKT3]

Oh man this is complicated.  I'm extremely protective of my wife. However,  over the years I've had to learn to read the individual situation.  Sometimes I believe she doesn't mind me stepping in,  others it creates an issue between us. Sometimes she is simply needing my ear. For me its always a drive to step in. 

 

 

[Maxpower3979]

I dated my wife for 4 years before marriage.  After marriage, I was able to compare my family to hers, notice mine was not normal, go to family therapy, and prove to myself that my parents were not willing to change.  Before then, I did not protect my wife from their negativity.  When my wife specifically asks that I be more protective, she confirms that this is the biggest example of me not being protective when I should have been.  Other smaller examples include someone saying something offensive to her without me correcting them because I didn't realize she felt offended.  I get the impression that my wife was more hurt that I neither noticed she was offended nor reacted in those moments.  Listening to her talk about my parents would not have stopped it from happening again.

All of the responses here deal with the situation AFTER the harm has happened, which does not seem to fit the definition of "protect", to keep safe from harm or injury.  From your responses, given that I can't stop most harm from reaching her in the first place, am I to conclude that the best protection I can offer is to help her deal with it after the fact?

[beatcuff]

well... i read the op... especially "I've been waiting for many months for an opportunity to shout "Don't you talk to my wife that way!" "... then saw his user name... some of the responses.

so what is the difference between protect v controlling.

hint: nearly all controllers do not come out and state 'i will control your life'.

[Maxpower3979]

1 hour ago, beatcuff said:

... then saw his user name...

My username was chosen by middle-school-me, from the Simpsons.  Based on your Beavis picture choice, I'm guessing you can relate, hehe. 😉
Someone - "Max Power.  Hey, nice name!"
Homer (aka Max Power) - "Thanks!  I got it off a hairdryer."

Seriously though, I'm not the controlling type.  A month ago, I drove a half hour (and back....twice) to drop her off and pick her up from drinking with friends, and on the way back, I was cry-laughing from her retelling of how a couple guys hit on her, and how she cleverly shot them down, ....twice, haha.  I trust her.  I support her.  ....and based on the responses I've seen here, I'm thinking that "protecting" her is mostly about her feeling safe when she happens to be with me.  It's a given that nobody can be everywhere and truly protect someone from ever encountering harm.

[Mr. Lucky]

15 hours ago, Maxpower3979 said:

It's a given that nobody can be everywhere and truly protect someone from ever encountering harm.

Under some of the circumstances you've described, you're not protecting her - your protecting the relationship.  You've got her back, she's got yours.

My wife is perfectly capable of standing up for herself, but I'm always going to defend our marriage...

Mr. Lucky

[Daisydooks]

If my inlaws ever did something like put me down, I would be defended to them. 

 

When speaking about my issues with my partner, where I have felt hurt or wronged in any way, I dont need saving or even a solution to a problem. I have typically solved the problem or dealt with it myself and just want to talk it out with him. So what you're doing with her is appropriate in most cases I'd think. Just talking it out helps loads. 

 

If your parents are being awful to her, absolutely tell them to back off. 

Edited December 31, 2019 by Daisydooks