Can't find anyone to relate to on this.... Thoughts?

[HopelessRomantic87]

 

I'm new to this forum, and I'm seeking advice from anyone who may have experienced this situation before. I've spoken with a counselor, my family, and her family on this, and nobody seems to know what to do besides be patient and be supportive.

Here's the story:

My ex-girlfriend and I started dating October 2016. We had known each other from college on a professional level in 2008 being President/Vice President of an organization, but nothing ever came of it as we were dating other people and we are both very loyal people. In October 2016, we reconnected on Facebook, went out for a drink, and immediately hit it off. Literally, we hung out almost every day driving back and forth over an hour to each other's apartments because we loved to be with each other. We are on each other's level with professional careers, we have the same hobbies, same interests, and greatly enjoy each other's company. We had two cats, and we did not want children. We did drink a lot which wasn't healthy, and as you read on, I think you will see that was a big issue. Our families also like each other which is a big plus. Within 3 months, she moved into my apartment on New Years Day 2017, and she was already talking to me about marriage. I wasn't ready for this step, and wanted to wait at least 2 years before making that commitment. In April 2017, I bought a house, and we both lived there with our two cats. We were in love, we didn't fight or argue, we had fun, and financially we were set. When I say that we were in love, I mean it.

By mid 2018, I noticed that she increased her drinking to daily, she started to forget things, and I started wondering if she was truly the right one. She had a lot of anxiety on certain things, and I focused mainly on work and making money. She had approached me multiple times about getting engaged up to this point, and I said I wasn't ready. She then recommended counseling to get us back on track, and I was stubborn and stated that if we can't figure it out then it wasn't meant to be. At the time, I didn't see anything wrong with our relationship, and I still loved her and did not want to lose her. This was my ignorance.

By the beginning of 2019, we both felt as though we became roommates. I still loved her, and she stated she loved me, but she thought we should break up because she was only getting older and wanted to be married by 30 and was now 31. She stated that all I cared about was money, and it was never enough. She also said that I rejected her for sex, and we had lost our connection (we were having sex about once a week at this point, where we used to have it 4-5 times a week). Rather than stepping up and trying counseling like she suggested, I started to push her away. I didn't want to break up with her, but I did want her to be happy. I tried the whole "if you love them, let them go, and if they come back, it was meant to be." Well, in this case, she still wanted to live together.

From April 2019 to July 2019, we remained roommates. She would go on dates, and come home crying saying nothing is working out and wishes we could work it out. I didn't do anything but state that I'm sorry she felt that way. After time, I decided to sell the house, and I told her that she needed to find a place and move out. She seemingly met a guy on Tinder during this time, and he helped her find a place about 30 minutes away in Milwaukee.

 

That's when things got bad. I immediately missed her and regretted letting her go. I would try to reach out to her and call, text, and talk to her, but she said she moved on. I was heart broken, and couldn't believe she was able to move on so fast. I continued in August and September 2019 to reach out a few times a week, and although she would answer her phone and talk to me and tell me that she does love me, she also said that we were over and she wasn't coming back to me. In late September, she told me that she was pregnant. She had met this guy in July, and by mid July, he had got her pregnant by not using birth control. She was drunk, and did not know he was not using a condom. She stated that she needed some space, and wanted to be honest with me about the situation. I tried to take it as well as I could.

In this time, I went to the drawing board. I had almost $80k in the bank after selling my house, and no debt to my name. I could take care of this child and her if she wanted me back. I spoke with her Mom and sisters about it, and they said to be patient as she's going through a lot right now. When I started talking to her again about it, she said that she does love me, but doesn't think that we will get back together. She said she didn't believe the guy was the right guy for her and she doesn't love him, but he seems to love her and is good to her. He was also excited about having the baby. I gave it about two weeks of no contact in October, and then I started talking to her again.

 

She then agreed to meet with me late October, and we started talking daily and hanging out once a week. She stated that she did still have strong feelings for me, but right now during pregnancy felt "A-Sexual" and also very confused with high anxiety. She also said that she felt better that she wasn't drinking anymore, and believed this child will help her live a better life and be her moral compass. She said she believed I would make a great step dad, but didn't know how to tell the guy and wanted to be patient. I tried to be as patient as I could, but it was so difficult. I did bring up what I could do for her and her child, and that I would help raise the baby and support her if need be. I bought her gifts and took her out often to try to show her that it isn't about the money, it is about relationships and giving her my time. Everything was going very good up to until last week.

Last week she came over to my apartment, and at first everything was great. She said she really liked my place, asked where I would put the cat boxes if she let me have the cats back, and again said that she wished she didn't live where she lived. I got excited. I asked her why she was still living there and seeing her boyfriend if she had feelings for me. She told me that she didn't know what to do, and she didn't want to make a decision right now. She also told me that he has a temper and control issues, and she's seen him get in bar fights and break stuff. She was worried what would happen if she broke up with him. I began to panic and told her that I wish it was my child, and that this isn't fair to her or me. I regret my words and actions as I know it showed insecurity and immaturity. I was also concerned that she said he had a temper, so I looked up records on this guy, and found out he has domestic abuse and a restraining order on his record from 9 years ago. I told her that I found that on him, and I think that was a big turning point in our re-connection. We still talk a few times a week, but she said that I really stressed her out. She still answers my phone calls and texts, but I notice that she's quicker to get off the phone.

 

Should I go back to no contact? Should I give her space? I want to make sure that she still has feelings for me, but at the same time, I don’t want to push her too far and lose her. It’s frustrating that she won’t break up with this guy, but she says it’s for the best because he has a temper and she’d prefer to wait until closer to her due date.

[preraph]

She never should have pushed you to get married so early on, just as she should have seen you two birth control and not gotten pregnant by a new guy. I know you love this woman but she is not making good decisions. I feel like no matter how you bend over backwards trying to help her, she is always going to self-sabotage. 

 

She certainly made a huge mistake jumping into pregnancy with this guy who turns out to be dangerous. She's getting off the phone because he's upset that she's on the phone with you to begin with. She says he's controlling am I not sure if that's the whole truth since she's the one that's juggling two guys and not many guys would sit still for that. So he sounds like a big mistake. But she's always going to have him in her life because she has his baby.

 

If I were you I would back all the way off and let her decide what to do with her own life. You weren't ready to get married before and you'd be foolish to get married to someone who has made such a mess of things now.

[assertives]

On 12/24/2019 at 12:34 PM, preraph said:

You weren't ready to get married before and you'd be foolish to get married to someone who has made such a mess of things now.

^^^^This. If you weren't ready to marry her when things were going good and there's no one else  between the both of you, you certainly aren't going to be more ready to marry her now when things are messy at best and you have 2 other persons between the both of you. The dynamics of a marriage with a single mom co-parenting with the child's father, being a stepfather, etc is alot more complex than just a straightforward marriage between the both of you.

On 12/24/2019 at 9:36 AM, HopelessRomantic87 said:

That's when things got bad. I immediately missed her and regretted letting her go. I would try to reach out to her and call, text, and talk to her, but she said she moved on. I was heart broken, and couldn't believe she was able to move on so fast.

I'm not really sure why you thought she moved on fast and were heartbroken when just a couple months before that, you said this:

On 12/24/2019 at 9:36 AM, HopelessRomantic87 said:

From April 2019 to July 2019, we remained roommates. She would go on dates, and come home crying saying nothing is working out and wishes we could work it out. I didn't do anything but state that I'm sorry she felt that way. After time, I decided to sell the house, and I told her that she needed to find a place and move out. 

You should back off and let her make her own decisions regarding her and her child's lives. She's also probably right in her gut feelings that she doesn't think you two will get back together. Afterall, you were nonchalant when she came back and told you that she wishes things worked out between you two when she shared with you how dating wasn't going well.

I suspect your real feelings about her is that you don't really want her back, but now with the pregnancy and a new guy in the picture, you are panicking because she's potentially going to be no longer an option to you. I'd suggest giving her space to decide on her own life and use this time to carefully evaluate if you truly do want to be with her and if this is the best decision for you or is this just a rash decision based on your fear of losing someone comfortable and familiar.