Beloved grandfather hitting on me... how can I cope?

[Driver]

I will preface this by saying my grandfather (who is in his late eighties) is like my dad. We grew up in the same household with my grandma my entire life until I moved out for college. During college and until now... I see my grandparents once or twice a week. I clean their house, do their errands, take them to doctor’s appointments, we go on fun outings together. Even though he’s getting older, my grandpa has always been someone I look up to and ask for advice. 

 

He’s always been a man of good character, except years ago I started to realize he’s sort of a sexual deviant. He has said inappropriate things to young women, even touched some of his employees inappropriately at work. My grandmother even admitted when she was drunk that the first time they had sex wasn’t her choice... implying he forced it on her. She also told me that even in his eighties he’s obsessed with trying to have sex every single night with her even though he physically can’t. I’ve always just sort of chosen to ignore this crap because, well, it’s gross and not really my business. But the reason I bring it up is I think it’s relevant to show that what he did to me isn’t just a fluke thing I can chalk up to being an old confused man.

 

A year ago my mom called me crying and said that earlier that night, right after my grandma left to go to the bathroom, my grandpa put his hands on her breasts - his daughter’s breasts - and told her “How did that feel to you?” She was disgusted. I told her he was probably just drunk and confused (he drinks a few shots of scotch every night, although he didn’t seem drunk to me that night) and she said that she felt it was something more. She admitted that she felt he was attracted to her in college and it traumatized her so much that she had to seek counseling. She said he would ogle her in the doorway of her bedroom as she got ready and once when they did a father daughter “date” he acted like it was a real date, very flirtatious and put his hands in between her legs in a movie. She was horrified but as it hadn’t happened again after she went to college she had sort of forgotten about it - until this night. 

 

A few months later I was doing my grandparents’ dishes and my grandmother left the room. I finished up and went to say goodbye to my grandpa and he grabbed my hands and pulled me towards him. It was very out of character for him because he doesn’t touch people and is not affectionate - he has never even told me he loves me. But I went with it. He pulled me in for a hug and when I pulled away he asked me if he could hold me a little longer. I was confused but thought it was one of those things where parents want to squeeze their kids so I hugged him again and he put his hands on my butt. When I pulled away (thinking maybe he didn’t know he was touching my butt) he said in a flirty way, “Ooooh, we’re being dangerous together, aren’t we?” I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about, said goodbye and bawled my eyes out. After this event I again assumed maybe he’s just old and doesn’t know what he’s doing. 

 

However yesterday I stopped in to drop off groceries for a second and again, my grandma was away getting her hair done. I was cleaning up the kitchen and noticed my grandpa watching me intently... I figured he was just bored and wanted something to look at but then he said, “God, I wish we weren’t related.” I said, “What did you say?” He then repeated his statement. I said, “That’s a really awful thing to say... that’s terrible. I am your granddaughter.” He said, “I know you are...I can’t help it.” And I said “this is the kind of crap that will make people think you’re losing your mind.” He said “You’re not wrong...” I told him again it was terrible and just then my grandma walked in. She does not know and we can’t bear to tell her, to poison her view of the man she has been married to for 65 years... what will she do, get divorced at 89? Doesn’t make sense to destroy what they have. 

 

Regardless I feel emotionally ... a mess.

 

The reasons I think this could not be malicious are 1) maybe he’s just old. But I have more reasons to think he’s just a sick person - 1) he waits until we are alone - like when grandma is gone - and acts totally, COMPLETELY normal otherwise 2) this last time was in the middle of the day and he had not a drop to drink 3) his sexually dark past 4) what happened with my mom when she was a teenager 5) he acknowledged he knew we were related and 6) with that it mind he admitted he KNEW it is wrong. 7) Other than long naps during the day and some short term memory issues, and ONCE getting lost when driving, there are no other signs of wacky behavior. 

 

I don’t know how to cope with this. I feel like my life has been a lie and this relationship with this man I see as my second father has been a sham. After all I have done for him as a granddaughter,  above and beyond, it feels like a slap in the face as well. I feel like this has poisoned all the amazing memories I have had with my grandpa, all the support and guidance he has given me. Two years ago I would lay awake at night worrying he might die and now I feel numb... like I won’t react when he dies.

 

I just don’t know how to cope. 

Edited December 24, 2019 by Driver
Clarity

[Veronica73]

God. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wish I knew what to say to help. I’ve been going through something similar, although it happened a long, long time ago and something more recent that was somewhat similar, happened, and I felt like I was falling apart. It was like I had this weak spot that I didn’t know about. I wish I had seen a good therapist a long time ago to deal with what happened, instead of just letting it fester. Maybe you should find a good therapist that deals with this kind of stuff? I wish I had dealt with my stuff a lot sooner than I did. 

 

I’m so sorry he’s like that to you. People can be so shockingly selfish.

Edited December 24, 2019 by Veronica73

[preraph]

Your granddad is a sex offender. I am so sorry your family grew up with that because it means that a certain amount of them came to believe that that was normal which in turn makes them cycle it down to their offspring and others. 

 

The thing is he's old and isn't going to be around long. I would imagine my nail some people have developed skills to distract him or tell him no. you might even tell him if he doesn't stop you're going to stop trying to take care of him. at his age please realize that he may also have some dementia but if he has been doing this his whole life that is really not what's going on.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ugh, so sorry for what you're going through!  This must be so emotionally jarring :(.

 

"Oh we're being dangerous together!" is probably a line he has repeated many, many times over the years with many other victims :(.  

 

And, I think your grandma probably knows who she is married to :(.

 

I'm sorry :(.  I hope it helps you to talk about it here.

[elaine567]

 He grew up in a different era, an era where "inappropriate" stuff was tolerated in the main from men.
BUT my guess he has dementia.
He has lost/is losing the natural inhibition we all have regarding our sexual thoughts..
 

Quote

Dementia can reduce a person's inhibitions, which may mean they make public what were private thoughts, feelings and behaviours - including those relating to sex. Sometimes a person with dementia may appear to lose their inhibitions and make sexual advances to others or undress or touch themselves in public.

 

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear about this. IF it's not dementia, then suggest telling him directly that it's not acceptable and you will not tolerate it. Have a plan in place to give out some reasonable (under the circumstances) consequences for him if he doesn't leave it alone after that.

[JoeyArnold]

19 hours ago, Driver said:

I just don’t know how to cope. 

 

Tell him nicely to stop. If that doesn't work, tell other people to tell him. If that doesn't work, tell more and more people. When he does what you don't want him to do, say so. Say it publicly. Keep your distance. Threaten him. Let people know. He probably knows better. That is what your mom should do. She should give him an ultimatum. It doesn't have to be all at once. You can give him as many warnings as you want, or not. But you should be counting down to some drastic changes. Like Mark said, there has to be some consequences. They can be whatever you want them to be. 

Edited December 25, 2019 by JoeyArnold

[JoeyArnold]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He grew up in a different era, an era where "inappropriate" stuff was tolerated in the main from men.

 

Still is tolerated by some. And some men didn't do that. In the past, more men were like John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. Real cowboys. As we move towards the present, there has been an increase in soy boys. The good news is that there is a shift back to how things were for the better. Women prefer real men over clowns.

[Watercolors]

On 12/24/2019 at 1:21 AM, Driver said:

I just don’t know how to cope. 

 

I'm sorry that you and your mother experienced inappropriate behavior from your grandfather. There's very little research on how to treat inappropriate sexual behavior in elderly adults who have dementia. SSRI's have been used but not always effective. Sounds like your grandfather definitely was this way before dementia has started with him, if he molested his daughter (your mother) when she was a teenager. 

 

Best way for you to cope is to have your mother take your grandfather to his doctor and openly discuss his inappropriate sexual behavior. If it's related to dementia, the doctor will know. If it's not dementia-related behavior, the doctor will know. There are caregiver services that your grandparents' health insurance will cover but their doctor(s) have to be the person to write a referral for caregiver services. Then, you can hire a caregiver to come and take over the household duties you've been so kindly doing for your grandparents. Then you can limit your contact with your grandfather. 

 

Once you get doctors involved, then your grandfather's behavior will be monitored by medical professionals. Maybe they both need to go into nursing homes. There's a checklist. You can also call the Alzheimers Association 800 # and ask the social workers who speak to people, help with resources. They deal with these issues all the time from callers, like what you and your mother have experienced. So, they are very knowledgeable. 

So, utilize your grandparents' doctors and the Alzheimers Association as resources to help you address this inappropriate behavior from your grandfather. It's the only way to stop it. 

Edited December 25, 2019 by Watercolors