My passed away friend's fiancee keeps making things difficult for me.

[ironpony]

I don't mean to sound insensitive when I say this.  My best friend for over a decade has passed away recently.  I talked about it before in another thread, but could not find it since the site has been changed around.  I can keep looking.

 

But... her fiancee has been talking to me about it, a lot, and I mean a lot.  He is very upset, which is understandable of course, but he is making things very hard for me, since I am trying my best to get over it too, and he keeps constantly making me think of her.  He's also been messaging my gf a lot about it as well, which is understandable, since he is upset and wants people to talk to about it.  But at the same time, I want to help him get over it and his brutal sadness.  But I feel like maybe I should tell him, maybe it's better to get over her by stop wanting to talk all the time about her, and to go out and get drunk and have a good time with friends, and try to not think about it so much.

 

But at the same time, I don't want to say it and make it sound hugely insensitive.  But I still feel maybe he needs a push maybe?  What do you think?

[Ellener]

I think it's okay to say 'I'm having a hard time dealing with the loss too' and spend less time with him, but not to say 'go out, get drunk have a good time' etc which would be insensitive and bad advice. 

[schlumpy]

You could just wait it out. Once people start limiting their time with him because his reminiscing is making them uncomfortable he will stop talking about it of his own accord. At some point in the grieving process he won't have anything else to say.

[elaine567]

She died at the end of November...
How is he supposed to "get over it" in a month?

[ironpony]

I know he cannot get over it in that amount of time, I am not saying he should, but I don't think that him talking about it to everyone constantly is good for him either.  I am not over it at all by a long shot yet, but I do not talk to everyone about it, constantly throughout the days though.

[alphamale]

everyone goes through the grieving process differently ironpony

[K.K.]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

I know he cannot get over it in that amount of time, I am not saying he should, but I don't think that him talking about it to everyone constantly is good for him either.  I am not over it at all by a long shot yet, but I do not talk to everyone about it, constantly throughout the days though.

 

 

This is why people don’t talk about their grief or their problems. 

[ironpony]

That's true, we all have different ways of dealing with it.  I thought that maybe him talking about it with people all the time, was unhealthy but maybe that is a good way for him to deal with it.  I'm the opposite and if I don't talk about it, then that helps me, and I don't like when other people bring it up.  But maybe he needs that.

[JoeyArnold]

6 hours ago, ironpony said:

That's true, we all have different ways of dealing with it.  I thought that maybe him talking about it with people all the time, was unhealthy but maybe that is a good way for him to deal with it.  I'm the opposite and if I don't talk about it, then that helps me, and I don't like when other people bring it up.  But maybe he needs that.

 

@ironpony, are you talking about this thread or was it an even older thread? It should not be too hard to find if you can figure out some of the keywords or even a date. This website has a search engine that I used to find. Also, Google, Duck Duck Go, and other sites have search engines that can find things as well.

 

 

 

[Watercolors]

20 hours ago, ironpony said:

That's true, we all have different ways of dealing with it.  I thought that maybe him talking about it with people all the time, was unhealthy but maybe that is a good way for him to deal with it.  I'm the opposite and if I don't talk about it, then that helps me, and I don't like when other people bring it up.  But maybe he needs that.

 

You can't tell anyone what to do esp. when it comes to how they grieve the loss of a loved one. That's not your decision. 

What he needs, is for you to let him grieve in his own way. 

[ironpony]

Sure I can let him grieve in his own way, you are right.  But he keeps constantly messaging me and calling me to talk about it, which makes it harder on me, grieve wise.  Should I keep talking to him and trying to console him, when it comes to allowing him grieve in his own way?

[Watercolors]

So, find a way to gently redirect him away from calling/texting you without being mean about it. You can explain to him, that your best friend's death has been hard on you too and you can't be there for him in the way he needs you right now, so you are taking time for yourself and then give him the phone number or website address of local grief counselors as a resource. 

 

But if he continues to depend on just you, then redirect him again away from constantly calling/texting you. Remind him of the phone number or website you gave him of the grief counselors, and ask him if he followed through on making an appointment with a grief counselor. Or, if he's religious, ask him if he's contacted his parish priest to set up grief counseling with a spiritual director or priest who offers grief counseling, or grief counseling support groups that exist within most church parishes. 

[ironpony]

well I feel he is also getting antsy or testy with me though.  He spent all this money on ordering these Christmas tree ornaments that are suppose to be a memorial thing for her.

He asked me if I wanted one to ask any others.  I said sure I will take one, but I got so busy with work, that I forgot to ask other people I know.  Then he got all testy with me over it, and I think he expects me to take be on top of this, since she was my best friend for so long.  But I felt like telling me that I have more going on in my life than trying to keep her alive, as harsh as that sounds, but I don't know, I feel like he is putting too much on me.

[ironpony]

He is also telling me that I am not paying enough attention to my current gf and I need to seal more of a deal with her, and life is too short, etc.

[Ellener]

'I felt like telling me that I have more going on in my life than trying to keep her alive, as harsh as that sounds'

Isn't keeping her alive naturally what friends do after friends die?

Don't you see you're both in the same emotional space?

It's grief...get over it....

...no that doesn't work does it.

All you have to say to him- I get it, it's hard, we'll all get through it etc. Organise a symbolic event together again in the new year or just maintain a space like this between yourselves.

It's all perfectly normal, okay, and just what it is.

 

 

[preraph]

What works for him is talking about it. Since this doesn't work for you, the most you can do is let him know that you are trying not to dwell on it all the time but do not suggest that he do the same. In a kind way you can let him know that him reminding you of it all the time is bringing you down. If he's a good friend, I certainly wouldn't ban him from talking about it at all because this is his need right now. But maybe he has other people who he can talk about it with. 

[elaine567]

The five stages of grief are:
denial,
anger,
bargaining,
depression
and acceptance.

If he is now getting testy with you he is probably entering the angry phase.
 

[ironpony]

Oh okay thanks, This helps.  I think I am still in the denial phase, hence maybe why it's hard for me to talk about and I always want to get off the subject if someone brings it up.

[Ellener]

All people can say when they've been through it themselves is you'll get over it eventually. But even that isn't very comforting whilst you go through the process.

'The only way round is through' as poet Robert Frost says.

Sorry for ylur loss xo

[ironpony]

Oh okay thanks.  Well I'm actually really worried about him but at the same time, he is making it harder on me.

[Banana Bender]

Ok, I haven't read any of your previous threads, so I'm a bit confused by all this.  are you male or female, and straight or gay?
I'm just trying to figure out why this man is leaning so heavily on you (and your GF?) as an emotional crutch.
Is he your friend also, or did you only know him as your friends' fiance?

[d0nnivain]

His fiancé DIED!  His grief is profound.  I'm not saying the loss of your friend doesn't hurt & effect you too but have a little compassion. 

While talking about your friend hurts you, talking about his beloved fiancé helps him.   

People lost the ability to grieve.  It's OK to be upset. People just want to push the touch emotions away & paste on a happy face.   If you can't handle his emotions, stay away from him.  In essence abandon him in his time of need but don't even try to tell him how he should grieve.  

[ironpony]

On 1/5/2020 at 5:44 AM, Banana Bender said:

Ok, I haven't read any of your previous threads, so I'm a bit confused by all this.  are you male or female, and straight or gay?
I'm just trying to figure out why this man is leaning so heavily on you (and your GF?) as an emotional crutch.
Is he your friend also, or did you only know him as your friends' fiance?

I'm male and straight.  I think he is leaning so heavily on me, because she was my best friend going back to when we were young.

On 1/5/2020 at 8:27 AM, d0nnivain said:

His fiancé DIED!  His grief is profound.  I'm not saying the loss of your friend doesn't hurt & effect you too but have a little compassion. 

While talking about your friend hurts you, talking about his beloved fiancé helps him.   

People lost the ability to grieve.  It's OK to be upset. People just want to push the touch emotions away & paste on a happy face.   If you can't handle his emotions, stay away from him.  In essence abandon him in his time of need but don't even try to tell him how he should grieve.  

Sorry, I did not mean to come off as non-compassionate.  I just don't know what to do but of course want to help.

[JTSW]

I know it's hard for you, but's it's a million times harder for him.

People never really get over this kind off loss. 

Right now he really needs someone to talk to and be around. It helps and comforts him. 

It will get easier in time for you all and he will eventually wont feel the need to talk about her all the time. 

[ironpony]

Oh okay, I thought maybe it would be just as hard for me as him, we both really cared for her and I've been friends with her for a lot longer.  So I thought it would be just as hard for both of us, but maybe not.