ja123 Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 I've known this man off and on since 2008. We first met through a dating site, but he wasn't much interested. Now that I've shown him that I'm just a friend, could he finally be developing feelings? Or maybe I'm reading too much into things....??? I moved away and suggested he make the move, too, as the lifestyle would be more suitable; but, he said he didn't want to live as close to the ocean (I'm right at water's edge) as I do due to climate change. So, I said, "You can build your own house in the woods." This would presumably, on the property as I live on 12 acres. He said, "I intend to." It seems like a pipe dream though, I'm not sure whether he is serious. Also, a long-distance friend's father died and I informed this man of it via email. He wrote "Send him our love and support." Wow... he wrote "our love" ... does it mean anything? I'm also facing a major health issue. He spouted tons of advice, saying "I'm not you, but I'm your mirror." What does that mean? He also wants me to "report" back to him to let him know how things are going. Is there anything in this? Utterly hopeful me... who's been through the ringers with men and am afraid of all real relationships except with him. Thoughts??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted December 24, 2019 Author Share Posted December 24, 2019 More to the story ... We met on the street just before I moved and he had a few drinks in him. He came on to me hard, pulling my hair and biting my nose and saying I have "the goods", meaning tits, ass, legs, hair as he looked me up and down. I didn't invite him over as I was living with someone else (not serious) at the time. He lives in his music studio. Maybe he took that as a brush off, but when I asked him about it later (when he was sober) he said he was " just being silly." I don't want to be pushy, but I did stay at his music studio when I visited and he put our cots side by side. I drank and he didn't. He just talked about how wonderful Nina Hagen was "Kind, strong, creative" while he showed me her videos. Later, he said she was too old now. WTF? So, when I ran into a friend with benefits (same guy I used to live with), I said that I'll be staying over at the other guy's house. He said he understood and it was no problem. I remember on his OKC profile, way back when, he said he'd be monogamous to a woman, but she didn't have to be monogamous to him. He also once dated a stripper. He currently is off dating sites and all social media and seems to be working on himself... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 (edited) Clearly you have a friendship. It seems like both of you have issues - consider whether you're really ready to start things with him if you have an illness. It also sounds like he's having issues/working on himself as you say. I'm not female so take with a big grain of salt. My thought would be to, one time when you are over visiting, bring things to a head by attempting to seduce him/initiate sex or similar. The risk would be that he's not ready at that particular time or in general (working on himself). It sounds like he has at least some interest as he came on to you one time. Most likely he backpedaled because that attempt wasn't successful. At some point, make it clear that you want a relationship, not FWB. To my mind that would be several dates/visits in if you start a R. Edited December 24, 2019 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted December 24, 2019 Author Share Posted December 24, 2019 Thanks, Mark, for your response. I really appreciate the perspective of a man. So, I'll have to be a little clearer with him to see if he's interested in a proper r. However, as you said regarding illness... it's maybe not the best time. I'm waiting for a diagnosis actually to rule out c. That's why my man-friend was so urgent with the way he talked to me. I know he cares quite deeply for me. He's an oddball, but a real humanist with a heart of gold. He does have issues, too, no doubt, and I have to accept that he probably won't contact me for Christmas because he abhors such holidays that are over commercialized, etc. For the time being, it's prudent to hold back. Don't know about my health ... Thank you so much for your feedback. Much appreciated ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 So, if you all wanted to get together for NYE, easy? Are his behaviors with you typical of a male platonic friend in your culture? You've known him eleven years or so, off and on. Any ILY's as friends? Kisses and tender embraces? I've done the long-distance pining thing, waste of time. If he's not local and neither of you are the traveling sort, frequently, let it be and move on IMO. If he is local or one/other travels, set up something for NYE, find some mistletoe and suck some face. It's either there or it's not. We can't read his mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted December 25, 2019 Author Share Posted December 25, 2019 Thank you, carhill! haha You don't mince words... I get it, about wasting time.... Like I said maybe it's a pipe dream. He seemed open to moving here, though ... I guess it's wishful thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 25, 2019 Share Posted December 25, 2019 It's great to wish, dream, fantasize, all that stuff. DId plenty of it as a young person. All the what ifs, if onlys, maybe we cans, all that. Lots of times. Even dated a lady 6000 miles away. Great adventures, near and far. Married a lady an hour away, for me practically next door. Practicality won out in the end. No regrets about the romantic adventures though. Perhaps you and this guy have one or two or a few yet to be explored. Gotta explore to explore. Sometimes exploring is fruitless though. Part of the deal. The vagaries of human existence. Even as an oldster I still have those 'what if' moments, the difference now is I enjoy them as a moment and accept that they are a moment and then there's another moment with some other part of life, on and on until the grim reaper comes. I let go of expectations and working out the formula to make romantic desires happen just the way I might want them. Dealing with humans is like herding cats and I've got enough trouble with one! Merry Christmas! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted December 25, 2019 Author Share Posted December 25, 2019 13 minutes ago, carhill said: I let go of expectations and working out the formula to make romantic desires happen just the way I might want them. Well said, carhill. Well said. Letting go of hopes and expectations might just be the way to go! Kinda Buddhist!! Merry Christmas!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted December 25, 2019 Author Share Posted December 25, 2019 Maybe I could just say to him or indicate in some way that he is welcome in my life in a greater capacity, then que sera, sera!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted December 25, 2019 Share Posted December 25, 2019 I look at it this way ja123, some people are for serious relationships only, where I don't want to flirt beyond indicating interest and definitely not casual sex or holiday-type romance... I've had someone like this in my life for a while and for whatever reasons things don't progress as expected, and I know rather than push it I'd rather let go. I'll break my heart over him otherwise! Sometimes the fantasy is greater than the reality, as a love of mine said years ago and in the exact same situation. He and I danced about for years, some happy memories but. A friend said to me at the time 'I think it shouldn't be that difficult if it's meant to be'. Pseudo-relationships are just that is how I see it now, but they are very appealing because they aren't subject to reality. That was and apparently is my experience, since I'm doing the same thing again years later! It's a problem with having a fulfilled happy life. We don't need someone else to complete us, the traditional relationship paradigm...? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted December 25, 2019 Author Share Posted December 25, 2019 3 hours ago, Ellener said: Sometimes the fantasy is greater than the reality You're right. And now is the time to concentrate on my health rather than some escapist dream. I am happy that he is my friend. That is for sure. Thanks for your reply and Happy Holidays! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted December 25, 2019 Share Posted December 25, 2019 And to you too ja123! I received some fabulous gifts this year- eg. just got a text from a friend I went to work for and she was horrible at her job and I resigned and told her off ( it involved neglect of patients! ) But we met up when things calmed down and are rebuilding a friendship away from the work environment. To be fair to her most nursing home management I have met over the years aren't great at their work, they don't have enough of professional clinical backgrounds. Anyway I've had a good year for going outside my comfort zone and forgiving and being forgiven! Re health ja123 I unepectedly dropped 4 pounds this week ( not always good for a diabetic, usually means blood sugar is off ) so I just did A1c and it's 6 which was my goal for 2019 to get it under 6, from 7.3. I've had a ton of foot problems the last couple of years through diabetes, so 2020 I intend to make it a priority to be super super healthy!!! as my gift to myself. 🎅 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 25, 2019 Share Posted December 25, 2019 You say he hates holidays because they're over-commercialized and probably won't even contact you. I'm 67 and all I'm saying is I have found that people who have a problem with happy days are not happy people anyway and would probably not be great to have in your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted December 25, 2019 Author Share Posted December 25, 2019 21 minutes ago, preraph said: You say he hates holidays because they're over-commercialized and probably won't even contact you. I'm 67 and all I'm saying is I have found that people who have a problem with happy days are not happy people anyway and would probably not be great to have in your life. He wished me a good and peaceful day via email. surprise surprise Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted December 25, 2019 Author Share Posted December 25, 2019 Ellener, It's so good to forgive and be forgiven. And it's so good you're working on your health. That is the best gift to oneself. And take good care of your feet, too!! Best wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 25, 2019 Share Posted December 25, 2019 OP, I don't remember everyone here, memory is getting old and a bit feeble, but you strike me in this thread as a positive and caring person. IMO that will hold you in good stead as things proceed, regardless of what happens with this man-friend. It's a wonderful gift you give yourself. While sometimes it may be very frustrating and disconcerting, down the road as old age arrives IMO it will bring you comfort and peace. Relationships, we know not, what will be will be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted December 26, 2019 Author Share Posted December 26, 2019 Thank you, carhill! I'm also learning things as I've made mistakes and, of course, you all on LS have been helpful. Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
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