Creampuff Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 I'm not going to get married, but this questions just bothered me a little bit too much So I broke up with my boyfriend. We've been in a long term relationship, everything is going well, we even planned to get married in the future. Unfortunately, I came from a Chinese-Indonesian family. While my boyfriend is a Javanese-Indonesian. The two race doesn't get along well. My mom keeps pressuring my boyfriend, and hated him, families won't open up to him, so I broke it off, it's just so hard to try to talk things out with asian families, they had their mindset set about Javanese, so I broke it off. Soon, I moved to Japan, where I met lots of other people and the thing is, I started to lose interest in marriage. Japanese people here, tends to not want to get married, they prefered to live freely and be independent. Those mindset started to affect the way of my thinking Somehow I feel guilty. Because since I was a little girl my mom would always said "one day you'll find your prince charming too, like those princesses". But truth be told, life is not like fairy tales, it's not just finding prince charming, kissing him, get married, and live happily ever after. I felt guilty because I can't fulfill my mom's wish of me finding prince charming, having grandkids, etc. But on the other hand, I've seen what it's like when I found my partner, I've seen how my parents treated him. Honestly if they kept on being nosy about the perfect guy (which doesn't exist), I'd rather not get married and live a bohemian lifestyle. I mean I've found a rather good guy, only he's in different race, but because of that everyone nags me. I just thinks that getting married is expensive, what if you get divorce??, parents put expectations on you, you have no freedom, etc. I mean, getting into relationship is fine with me, but no marriage, is it weird?? In Indonesia that kind of mindset is considered weird (?) Most of my Indonesian friends get married and, I don't know live a normal life. As for me who just wants to live freely, oh wow, everyone judges me. But once I got a boyfriend, everyone judges me as well 😐 Is it weird for me to think that I don't want to get married to avoid expectations from my parents and families?? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 Societies can have "expectations". They vary and can change over time as circumstances change. But we and those we care about (such as family, friends) tend to (not always) internalize the expectations we were exposed to growing up. If cultural expectations and what you really want for yourself don't match well, you have to choose between and live with either one issue (doing what's probably not right for you due to cultural expectations) or the other (not doing those things and feeling a little awkward over a sustained time). There's no perfection in the world but at least in your case, unlike for many in the world, the choice is yours to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 (edited) As a fellow Asian woman, I understand the whole parental issue... but I strongly urge you to stop letting your parents' reactions dictate your life. If you want to date someone from another race, do it. If you want to marry that guy, do it. If you DON'T want to marry anyone, then don't. You only have one life and it would be an awful waste to spend it living for someone else. People's judgement only matters if you allow it to. I am currently 100% happy with my life, and if I had to credit that to just one specific thing, I think the most important contributor was me deciding that I was going to live the life that I wanted. If I'd gone with what my parents had wanted, I would be miserable (or probably even dead, but that's a bit morbid). Edited December 24, 2019 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 I wouldn't say that getting married is overrated, IF you are marrying the person of your choosing. If my parents had tried to force me to marry a specific person, or type of person, I would have fought them tooth and nail. My parents adored my first husband. When I left him, and filed for divorce, my parents stopped speaking to me for a while. To them, he could do no wrong. Although, to be fair, I didn't tell them why I left him because it was between him and I. When, several years later, I decided to marry my current husband, my parents were not happy about it. I didn't care. I never asked for their opinion when it came to my love life. About this time my mom demanded to know why I left my ex, so I told her. She couldn't believe that she missed do much, and spent years loving him as another son. I honestly laughed, and asked her if she thought so little of me, as to believe that I didn't have valid reasons to leave him. She apologized, my dad didn't. My mom grew to love my current husband, and thanked him many times for making me so happy. The last year of her life she repeatedly told him what a good man he was, and thanked him for being a wonderful father and husband. So, I do understand how difficult parents can be. Marriage isn't the problem though. Parents who insert themselves too deeply into their child's personal lives is. Don't let your parents dictate your happiness, and wherever it takes you, or with whoever you choose to have in your life. You only have one life. Don't waste precious time living it for someone else. If at all possible find a happy medium with your family. If they won't change their opinion, and encourage your happiness, then there is no point in trying to force the issue. Be who you are. Live a life that makes you happy, and brings you joy. Hopefully when your parents see you happy, that will be all that matters. If not, at least you tried to include them in your life. Seek your own "happily ever after" whether it involves getting married, or living a bohemian lifestyle, is entirely up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 I don't see it so much as not wanting to get married as not wanting to pressured by your family. That "rebellion" seems perfectly healthy to me. However, don't cut your nose off despite your face. I waited until I was in my 40s to get married. I had been with another guy for 10 years who claimed marriage was just a piece of paper. It's so much more. I got a sense of peace & connection when we married. It's a deep commitment which for me is very fulfilling. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 Playing the game has benefits. Covert peer pressure at work. Yup, been married. Link to post Share on other sites
Realitysux Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 (edited) Weddings are beautiful .. I mean I've never been to a wedding. I was a brides maid twice (my sister and a friend I grew up with) but I never made it. I think unless you are walking down the aisle and someone is looking at you and smiling and wants to spend the rest of his life with you because there is no one on this planet he wants to be with (and you feel the same), and you want to celebrate your love with marriage then it probably isn't worth getting married for the status. If you look back at history and what marriage was as to what it is now then no, absolutely no point in marriage. Edited March 14, 2020 by Realitysux Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 i would have told your mom, ''i would be married by now, a princess with a prince, just like you want, however, you ran him off because of his ethnicity''. in my twenties i did not want children. i don't see a reason to marry, form a pair bond, unless you want to raise kids. i firmly believe that children need two parents. i met my ex much later and got married and started a family. he started staying over in a one bedroom by the airport with his "soul-mate" because they were in love. but that's another story. and even with all that, i don't regret it since i'm getting his ssi. she might regret it since he married another other woman. lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 Parents like that are why some couples elope. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 (edited) @Creampuff maybe the fantasy you should put behind you first is the family one. Despite your culture and upbringing you live a multi-cultural life now with choices like career, country you live and yes- who you marry. On 3/14/2020 at 9:05 AM, IndigoNight said: Marriage isn't the problem though. Parents who insert themselves too deeply into their child's personal lives is. Exactly. And there is plenty of that goes on in any culture. But at the end of the day only you can decide whether your family or your partner take precedence in your decision to marry. Edited April 7, 2020 by Ellener spelling Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted April 8, 2020 Share Posted April 8, 2020 I think societies have expectations. Like fancy weddings with tons of guests. It doesn't have to be that way! My marriage is very nontraditional. From the beginning, it has broken a ton of social norms. Best thing I ever did. I'm very happy with my family, and it has given me the opportunity to live an entirely different life than what I'd planned. I never thought I'd be a mom, but I've got three children now and one more on the way. It has been totally worth it! And yes, parents and in-laws are an issue for just about everybody. My MIL can't get over my ethnicity...in spite of the fact that my husband and I are both essentially white. She's accepted his other partners from different races and his mixed-ethnicity kids. But I'm not accepted because she dislikes Eastern European women. At the end of the day, it isn't my problem. It is my husband's house. He renders plenty of deference to his parents, but he refuses to allow them to criticize me in his presence. It doesn't totally fix it, but it puts some pretty strict limits on it. Don't get married just because you have to. Don't avoid marriage due to fear. Do what YOU want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted April 8, 2020 Share Posted April 8, 2020 not to side with either for or against marriage... but being a 40something and still single... i have to say.. there are definite cons to not having kids earlier.. i know, it's the path not taken syndrome. there are many reasons people get married later in life.. if at all... but i have to tell you, having been down this road further than perhaps you... and take into account, i am NOT for getting married b/c it's "time" or to fit a person into a "role" rather than marrying someone you love... those are key to a potentially good future... there are definite cons... 1) your parents may not see your children(if you do have any)... grow up to adulthood.. yes yes, people live long lives these days... but honestly, you just don't know life. 2) you yourself when you DO realize you still want kids... you find that you'll be much older by the time they get older... you yourself may not see your own grand children... 3) watching my friends who got married in their 20s... and watching them celebrate their children's lives who are getting rdy to enter college or graduate from it... i have to say... i do wish i could have figured myself out sooner so i could be there... i'd love to find out who my children grow up to meet, love, have children with.. and see those grand children myself.. at this point.. (shrug).. who knows what could happen... i understand where you're coming from.. expectations.. wanting to show your parents what they want to see/hold in their arms... you can't rush it... yet, at the same time, talk to people who have lived your lifestyle currently... but more advanced and hear their stories, before making up your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted April 8, 2020 Share Posted April 8, 2020 My parents used to guilt trip my siblings about the same thing. They want to be grandparents. Well, all that nagging didn't work. I think they gave up on us already. You can't rush these things. When I was younger, I have it in my head that I'd be married off in my 20s. I'm glad I didn't. I was nowhere ready since I was focused on my career. Over the years, I was able to grow in a lot of ways, and I think I have a far more realistic view of marriage and relationships in general (and what makes them work). I certainly don't think marriage itself is overrated. When you find the right person (someone you're truly compatible with), I think marriage is a beautiful thing. It celebrates the union of two people and their love for each other. The flip side of the coin is that if you choose the wrong partner or if a relationship isn't nurtured, the negative effects can be compounded. That's why it's important to find the right partner before committing to "I do"s. While I think it would be nice to have my own family, I don't feel pressured. If I do, I do. If I don't, I don't. Either way, I think you might just have to reset your (and other's expectations) and do what feels right to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 On 4/7/2020 at 10:08 PM, major_merrick said: But I'm not accepted because she dislikes Eastern European women. At the end of the day, it isn't my problem. It is my husband's house. He renders plenty of deference to his parents, but he refuses to allow them to criticize me in his presence. It doesn't totally fix it, but it puts some pretty strict limits on it. he's keeping his vow. love it. Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 I believe that getting married ultimately allows one or both individuals in the relationship to become "Comfortable" and for some people, getting comfortable is all good, but for others, their effort level becomes very low when they get comfortable. There are some people who just should not get married and you should know if you struggle with comfort or not before you do. Link to post Share on other sites
emerald86 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 I understand the whole cultural influence, because my family also comes from a culture where marriage is seen as interestingly, a necessity as well as a status symbol. I don't think there's any logical basis for this kind of thinking--it's just tradition that's existed for years and years. Being in a relationship without getting married is completely fine if that's what you both want. Please don't try to make major life decisions like this based on society's expectations. I always have friends and family telling me that there's a "right time" to get married and things like that, but I don't believe any of this. It happens at different times for everyone--it's all so deeply personal and depends on a variety of factors. At one point I believed that I'd be married before age 30. Here I am, nearing 30, and still trying to figure out what I truly want out of a relationship and marriage. I entered into a relationship about two years ago. My family and friends loved the guy and he wanted to get married--I faced a lot of pressure to just go for it, but I'm so glad I didn't. I wasn't ready, and that relationship wasn't what I really wanted. It takes time to figure this stuff out. Do what feels right to you. Above all, don't worry about other's judgements and societal expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 Having been married and now divorced and in a long term relationship (not living together mind you) I have to say I don't believe marriage is overrated. We are are taking it slow due to custody issues and other reasons at play. That being said in the year 2020 basically you can have all the benefits of marriage (except tax benefits) without being married. So while I don't believe it to be "overrated" I think people are finding it to be not quite as essential as it may have once been. I for one find that being a divorced mother comes with its own benefits and while getting remarried to my boyfriend would be nice, his income would be included in mine which would mean that I would lose some of the benefits my children currently have. This would force my boyfriend (turned husband) to assume part of this responsibility for children which biologically arent his which is a strange situation to be in. Blending families complicates matters, and being low income and loosing those resources and having to rely on someone else complicates matters further. My point in all this is that sometimes marriage is not the best option for a relationship as much as you may love each other. Whatever society or family expects is dumb. Do what makes you happy. If you want to be with someone in a committed relationship long term then go for it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 I can see that. I guess that all depends on where you are living and the laws there. That wouldn't happen in most states in the US. The father would have to pay child support unless he gave up the child to the new man for adoption, which doesn't usually happen at all. A woman's married status doesn't absolve the father of his responsibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 14 minutes ago, preraph said: I can see that. I guess that all depends on where you are living and the laws there. That wouldn't happen in most states in the US. The father would have to pay child support unless he gave up the child to the new man for adoption, which doesn't usually happen at all. A woman's married status doesn't absolve the father of his responsibility. If you are referring to me, in my specific case I was not referring to my child support or alimony (child support I would keep, alimony I would not, but that's a state law) I was actually to my government benefits which are based on household income (Medical Assistance, Reduced Priced Lunches for School, ect). Obviously more money would be coming in with double income and their father would be responsible for medical bills and paying for lunches as well if we were to get married. However getting married would mean right off the bat an increase in expenses due to loss of those government benefits. I don't know how they calculate payment or expenses in a remarriage situation. If they base it off my income alone or mine/husband's together. I would think mine. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 It would just depend if with his income, you still qualified (two incomes has a different ceiling than one). I would think most people would have better income marrying someone who is working than the piddling amount of government assistance. Plus you get tax writeoffs and all that still. If they find out you're just living with him, it will amount to the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 17 minutes ago, preraph said: It would just depend if with his income, you still qualified (two incomes has a different ceiling than one). I would think most people would have better income marrying someone who is working than the piddling amount of government assistance. Plus you get tax writeoffs and all that still. If they find out you're just living with him, it will amount to the same thing. All that is true. I am a believer in marriage for sure, and if and when that opportunity presents itself I would love to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 I am a big fan of being in love and long term commitment but I can take or leave marriage. I did it because it meant a lot to her. At the end of the day the choice is up to you and it's your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 Oh, I'm not saying it's for everyone. Just saying that it seems to me that in the US, there are more benefits to married people with kids and just look into it! Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 5 minutes ago, preraph said: Oh, I'm not saying it's for everyone. Just saying that it seems to me that in the US, there are more benefits to married people with kids and just look into it! In theory this would be the case, but in a blended family situation, finances and children are actually the leading causes of a 2nd divorce. I am just proceeding with caution given my disability and ability to support my kids. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 Yes! Stability is everything when you have kids! You're giving it plenty of thought. You'll know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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