Don't Tell Her Yet

[JoeyArnold]

Don't Tell Her
While washing the dishes, I was thinking about this again. I wanted to write this down for the record. 

Regret
This is something I regret. I have been writing about these things in the past, for years. Sometimes, in my life, like I said before, I would tell girls that I liked them.

Mislead
Now, people have been taught to do this. Now, it is true that some guys date girls and are not to the point, generally speaking. So, I would encourage them to propose to the women they want to live with. 

 

 

Commit First
But that is something that you need to commit to first. See, if you are not actively dating a girl and if you are not actually trying to potentially and eventually take care of her for the rest of your life if need be, then you should not tell her anything. 

 

She Probably Knows Already
Now, technically, if you like her, she may know. So, you may not even have to tell her for her to know. But you should tell her when the time is right, even if she knows. But you should not just tell everybody everything or too much like all of the time or too much of the time. Pick your battles. This is one of the lessons I'm trying to learn. 

 

Wimpy Men
Of course, some men can be too wimpy in not being honest enough. 

 

 

Be Relevant First
But for me, I was too honest and yet not relevant enough. Because there was no real need for me to tell them, perhaps, statistically speaking. There is room for error. But generally speaking, it is highly unlikely that you should really tell a girl until it is time. See, for me, what was I thinking? Was I trying to guilt them into waiting for me? See, that was one of the problems. I was basically saying to them that I liked them and yet was not ready. I was not available. I was not dating them. I never dated them. I didn't even have a lot of money or enough money to court them, to go on dates with women that I liked in my life. I am a jerk. Yes. When I write stuff, people may not like it. I admit it. I am beginning to see that I like girls sometimes. I'm 34 years old right now, was born in 1985 in Oregon, and I'm beginning to recognize patterns in my life. I'm Oatmeal Joey Arnold. I'm trying to be less of a jerk as I get older. More on some of this later. It's a long story. 

 

 

Don't Confess Until You Commit
So, my New Year Resolution is to commit to try my best not to tell women that I like them like at all. Well, I could play Devil's Advocate and argue that I could perhaps say it a little. Perhaps hint at it. Perhaps get my feet wet in it. 

 

 

Don't Get Too Close to the Line
But that is dangerous. Of course, people do it, but you shouldn't really get too emotional prematurely. Because it doesn't help you or her. People are not perfect. Therefore, we can make mistakes. We can think we like people. We may or may not know if we really do like them or not. But that is not important. That is not relevant. 

 

 

Commitment First
A relationship is better built around commitment, belief, eternal principles. So, of course, you can date. 

 

 

Get To Know The Real Them
But you need to get to know the fundamental patterns that your potential mate gravitates towards. People rarely change and it is important that you get to know what he or she believes and what their real lifestyle is. 

 

Fake Dating
The problem with dating is that you may not get to know what the person really is like on a personal level. Because public life is not the same as private life. You also need to know what kind of person you are. You should take the time to study yourself. Take enough time to understand what your main life goals are. 

 

Non-Negotiable Objectives
Make sure you have a list of life objectives that you don't want to surrender. You can also make a list of things you can negotiate with. Too often, people become like the people they date and then they forget who they really are. Please hold onto who you really are and try to find somebody who is going down your path. 

 

 

Bite Your Tongue
But please don't speak too soon. And don't wait too long either. But commit before you speak. That has been one of my flaws. I would tell people things that they did not need to know. I kind of thought they needed to know because part of me wanted them and part of me knew it would not work. 

 

 

Sold My Soul to the Devil
So, I made a compromise and would tell them. I would write letters. I would let them know that I liked them. But that was a kind of negotiation or compromise that I made with myself that I shouldn't have made. 

Internal War
I had wars with myself. My emotions would like the girls and my spirit would tell my poor little feelings to wait. I knew deep inside that it was not time. But my emotions were screaming. I was looking to relieve the emotional pain. 

Character Development Requires Pain
But no pain, no gain. Of course, you want peace. Of course, you want to resolve conflicts. I had internal conflicts that was consuming me. I decided to give in. What I did was selfish. What I was doing was simply a way to relieve stress and everything. I wanted to get it all off my chest. I wanted to basically vent. 

 

Too Selfish
So, I was kind of like acting like my verbally abusive alcoholic father in that I was trying to get rid of the pain of how I was feeling. But it is important to think about other people in the long-run. And it is better for you to learn how to deal with the pain. Like I said, no pain no gain. You can make it through the emotional storms of life. So, I'm committing not to confess lust, love, affection, feelings, etc, towards women until I'm dating them and committed. I probably should only date one woman at a time. 

Independence First
So, in the future, I would be financially independent. I would date a girl. And I would not tell a girl my feelings until I was willing to support her, financially. My problem was that I would tell them before I even dated them. That is kind of crazy. Culture pushes people to tell people that they like them. So, I was pushed towards being what I thought was honesty. But it was not relevant enough. Yes, if the person likes you back, you may know. The other person may even tell you eventually. If that is the case, then the secret is not really a secret any longer or it may be relevant in that kind of situation but not until then. So, if a man likes a woman and the woman likes the man and the woman tells the man, then the man should tell her that he likes her back, even if he is not financially able to take care of her. But not until then. But you shouldn't really jump to that step until you get there. Don't skip steps. It's not relevant until you are in that exact situation. 

 

 

It Hurts People
If a man tells a woman he likes her prematurely, it can hurt her. Not always but potentially. And generally speaking, it hurts people. I was hurting. I was trying to get rid of the hurt. Part of me believed that they deserved to know. But why? Like, people might deserve to know everything or anything. But that doesn't mean they should know everything. Perhaps, it is not time yet. Perhaps, it is not relevant enough. And what would a girl do with that information? 

 

 

Magic Wand 
Is she going magically make it work? Maybe yes and maybe no. But it is not her problem. It is not her job. Of course, she can help if she wants. But there is no reason for her to know until it is time. I believe I'm not the only person that fell for the honesty lie. Yes, some people are too dishonest. But on the other hand, some people are too honest. I mean, some things may not be relevant. I don't mean that you should go out of your way to lie. 

 

 

When The Time Comes
If a persons asks you if you like them, tell them. You don't have to say a lot. But if you are not available, like I was not, then you probably will make a mess. You might even ruin your friendship with them. 

 

Date In-Real-Life (IRL)
If you can meet with them in person as opposed to just over the phone or the Internet or whatever, then you might want to date them or court them or meet with them when you can, step by step and see where it goes. 

 

 

No Sex Before Marriage
But you should be prepared to be stuck with the person forever as soon as you begin to tell them how you feel. But your feelings should be founded on core beliefs and ongoing commitment. You must be ready. You should be available. 

I Was Not Available
When I told girls I like them, I was not available. I was not ready. I was not dating them. 

 

 

Will Not Work
I told them that I liked them and that it would not work. Something like that. Well, part of me wanted to maybe make it work eventually. So, in other words, long story short, I would try to justify why I needed to tell them. But I was trying to take shortcuts. I was trying to skip some vital steps in the process of dating and life in general. 

 

Out Of Order
I was doing things in the wrong order. Part of me felt like it would be wrong to keep it from them. But the problem is that you need more patience in life. You need to learn how to wait. You need to learn to take it a step at a time. Learn to gradually work your way towards that. 

 

 

Don't Throw Too Much At Them
I would kind of tell people too much sometimes. I mean, not just with dating but with anything. It takes wisdom and maturity to learn how to not throw too much information at people. I like to debate people. I might be a little smart. I might know things that people need to know. But I would be too emotional. I would be too in a hurry. Yes, some things are so important. So, some exceptions may apply. But generally, you should try not to be too excessive. Try not to throw too much at people. Well, it depends on the person. It depends on many different things. So, pray about it. Be aware of each situation. 

 

Wait For Your Turn
Know your place. Take your time. Be confident. Be calm when you can be. Take it a step at a time. Don't skip steps. Be in the moment. Each day is a gift. That is why it is called the present. 

Edited December 25, 2019 by JoeyArnold

[carhill]

Impressive, thanks!

How does your wife feel about this? What's the impact on your marriage?

Back when I was younger I was a big list person. Everything ran like a set of double-entry accounting ledgers. Then I realized I wasn't living, I was accounting. Sure, everything was perfect. Then I realized that all the imperfect people were having all the fun in life.  I learned to embrace chaos and sometimes take what the double-entry guy would deem stupid risks. Viola, success with women, and enjoyment of life, increased markedly. Might not be everyone's cuppa but like you said, each day is a gift.

[JoeyArnold]

5 minutes ago, carhill said:

How does your wife feel about this?

 

For the record, if you were asking me, I'm single, I don't have a wife. I have never dated. I've never had official girlfriends. I'm 34. I've had female friends. I told some girls I liked them but I probably shouldn't have. Yeah, learn to laugh at mistakes. People are not perfect like you said. Yes, embrace chaos. I don't disagree. So, does a double-entry account ledger cancel things out to say plus two and then minus two for example or how does that work? Or is it something related to seeking after win-win situations?

[carhill]

Sorry, this was posted in MLP so I thought you were married and reflecting on life.

 

Accounting ledgers are precise, everything must balance and be shown in great detail. Precision is paramount. By comparison, love is chaos. It's a shoebox of receipts with no clue what they pertain to.