I should have left him blocked

[lftbehind]

16 hours ago, AriesMan83 said:

Iftbehind,

Sorry you are here.

Pls get into IC to find out why you think it's OK to have an affair?Pls read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.It will give you a fair idea about affairs.

Why didn't you end your marriage when it became unbearable instead of having an affair?

Affairs are like an addiction.You talk to him or think about him to escape the problems in your marriage.

If there are problems in your marriage,sit down with your husband and discuss it.Ask him to join with you in MC.If he doesn't agree,get a divorce,grieve the end of your marriage and start a honest relationship with a single guy.You deserve better.But the first step towards addressing the problems in your life  would be to stop the affair.

Your MM is not a knight in shining armour.You both are people who are getting their needs met by using each other.

Seeing him at work and thinking about him or talking to him is keeping the affair alive.You need physical as well as mental NC with your MM.Total indifference toward MM should be your goal.

When you have an affair,you shift your attention and emotions towards your affair partner.You need to stop your affair and shift your attention and emotions towards your husband to feel romantic love for him.It will be hard and difficult but it's possible.

Does your husband know about your affair?If he doesn't,then pls confess..

Hi AriesMan83,

I never thought that I would be the type of person to have an affair. When I was single, I had quite a few married men come on to me and I turned them down. I don't think it's okay to have an affair, but my husband has said some cruel things to me and I can't forget them. It's really changed my feelings about him and I don't know if I can really love him again. He drinks and does pot a lot, too. He also doesn't listen to me. 

I don't make enough money to live on my own and I've been hoping that I could get feelings back for my husband. I've mentioned counseling to him, but he doesn't want to talk to a stranger about our problems. I told him that the drinking really bothers me and he's not going to change. 

You're right, my affair is an addiction and an escape from my marriage. I do romanticize things when he isn't a knight in shining armour. I don't think about being with AP full-time, because I don't think that it would work. 

It is hard to forget about him when I see him at work. As long as we're not being physical, I don't feel as guilty. I know that I need to end it, but it is nice to feel like I have someone that cares about me. Sometimes I think that I see what I want to see. 

I don't know if I can work it out with my husband. I can't confess, I don't know what he would do, but it would probably be bad. 

 

[lftbehind]

I found out the other night that H has been texting with his exW and she asked him if he was married and he said that marriage was like having a dog, with less freedom and more responsibility. That really made me feel great. He didn't say anything about me, really. He told me that he never loved her and she wasn't attractive, he just though that she would make a good partner. He also would talk to an exGF a lot behind my back. 

[AriesMan83]

9 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I found out the other night that H has been texting with his exW and she asked him if he was married and he said that marriage was like having a dog, with less freedom and more responsibility. That really made me feel great. He didn't say anything about me, really. He told me that he never loved her and she wasn't attractive, he just though that she would make a good partner. He also would talk to an exGF a lot behind my back. 

Iftbehind,

Did he apologise for his behaviour?

Did he apologise for saying cruel things to you?

Did you tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable??

Did he tell you about his conversation with exW and EXGF? ?

[AriesMan83]

10 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I found out the other night that H has been texting with his exW and she asked him if he was married and he said that marriage was like having a dog, with less freedom and more responsibility. That really made me feel great. He didn't say anything about me, really. He told me that he never loved her and she wasn't attractive, he just though that she would make a good partner. He also would talk to an exGF a lot behind my back. 

Pls forgive me for asking but why did his comment made you feel great??

Did you tell your husband that his alcohol and pot usage is hurting you and putting a strain on the marriage??Did his cruel comments made you feel resentment towards him??

Did you tell him that his habits are stressful to you??

Did you sit down with him and discuss these issues with him??Did you actually tell him that the marriage is in danger and you need MC to overcome these issues??

Why do you want xMM to care for you when you know that the affair with him is hurting your family??Why is the care and love of your family and friends not enough?? 

Pls realize that by continuing the affair you are not only hurting your family but also enabling him to cheat which in turn is hurting his family..

Cheating on his family is his choice but enabling him is your choice..

The path towards change is going complete NC with xMM and getting yourself into IC..

Edited January 18, 2020 by AriesMan83

[elaine567]

26 minutes ago, AriesMan83 said:

Pls forgive me for asking but why did his comment made you feel great??

It's called sarcasm.

[AriesMan83]

 

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It's called sarcasm.

Elaine567,

Thanks for the clarification.

Iftbehind,

Did you tell your husband that his texts are offensive,hurtful and detrimental to the marriage??

Edited January 18, 2020 by AriesMan83

[AriesMan83]

Iftbehind,

Why didn't you think about spending time with friends or pursuing some hobbies instead of having an affair??

I would kindly advise you to read the below mentioned books-

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass-It will give you a better understanding of affairs.

"How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald-It will help you understand how to help your husband heal after you confess. 

"5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman-It will help both you and your husband know each other's love languages.

[AriesMan83]

Iftbehind,

You are absolutely right when you say you see things that you want to see..

During affairs,people minimize the bad qualities of their affair partner and maximize the good qualities of their affair partner in order to justify having an affair.During affairs,people also minimize the good qualities of their betrayed spouse and maximize the bad qualities of their betrayed partner in order to justify having an affair.

You are still foggy...Pls Google "Limerence" and read about it..Pls have complete NC and develop indifference towards xMM.With time and complete NC you will be able to develop indifference towards xMM..Once you have complete NC and indifference towards xMM will you be able to understand whether your feelings for your husband can come back or not..

Stop romanticizing your affair and xMM.Affair is not a romantic saga..Affair is a wrong choice which hurts  families and people..

Edited January 18, 2020 by AriesMan83

[AriesMan83]

Iftbehind,

By romanticizing xMM or talking to him,you are in an EA.

Your thoughts about your marrIage and your husband are still clouded by by your affair,your contact with xMM and occasional sightings of xMM.Once you have complete NC and is totally indifferent towards xMM will you be able to obectively look at your marrIage and decide whether it is salvageable or not and whether your feelings for your husband can come back or not.

Edited January 18, 2020 by AriesMan83

[mark clemson]

OP it sounds like you have a difficult partner who you aren't happy with. This sometimes leads people to choose to have affairs. It's not the betrayed partner's fault, but it something the wayward (you) does in an effort to find happiness.

Please understand that in the majority of cases like this, the affair goes nowhere. It's just a temporary easing of your distress as you get "what you need" from a different partner. Meanwhile, nothing changes at home.

Comparing the marriage to owning a dog like he did shows a level of contempt and disrespect that may be insurmountable. I won't give you specific advice what to do in your situation. You could certainly try to work on your marriage. If it were me, speaking for myself I would be figuring out how to leave. To me, an AP would just be a distraction from the difficult work of figuring out how to accomplish that.

[lftbehind]

14 hours ago, AriesMan83 said:

Iftbehind,

Did he apologise for his behaviour?

Did he apologise for saying cruel things to you?

Did you tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable??

Did he tell you about his conversation with exW and EXGF? ?

Sometimes he apologizes for his behavior, but he acts like he is justified for acting that way. It's like he is apologizing, so I stop being upset with him  

I told him that when he says bad things to me, I don't forget them. He thinks I need to. 

I did tell him that his behavior isn't acceptable. 

He didn't tell me about his conversation with exW and exGF. Another thing that was strange was shortly after we got married he told exGF that we had gotten married when we were on speaker phone and she said "why". She didn't know that she was on speaker phone and that I heard her. I thought that she knew that we were engaged and wondered why she said that. It made me wonder what he said to her about me. I told him to stop talking to her, but I found out that he still was talking to her. I don't know if he is now or not. 

[lftbehind]

14 hours ago, AriesMan83 said:

Pls forgive me for asking but why did his comment made you feel great??

Did you tell your husband that his alcohol and pot usage is hurting you and putting a strain on the marriage??Did his cruel comments made you feel resentment towards him??

Did you tell him that his habits are stressful to you??

Did you sit down with him and discuss these issues with him??Did you actually tell him that the marriage is in danger and you need MC to overcome these issues??

Why do you want xMM to care for you when you know that the affair with him is hurting your family??Why is the care and love of your family and friends not enough?? 

Pls realize that by continuing the affair you are not only hurting your family but also enabling him to cheat which in turn is hurting his family..

Cheating on his family is his choice but enabling him is your choice..

The path towards change is going complete NC with xMM and getting yourself into IC..

I did tell him that the alcohol and pot usage is hurting me and straining our marriage  I guess he doesn't care, he is going to do what he wants. His cruel comments have made me resent him. 

He does know that I get stressed out, because of his habits. 

I have tried to discuss these issues with him, but he doesn't think that I should have problems with what he does as long as he works and makes good money. 

I guess talking to xMM is something I do for myself to feel cared for. I don't have much family. 

He told me that he is separated, but living with exW to help take care of his handicapped son. He also probably would have problems living on his own, he has a bad memory and TBI from a car accident. I thought that it was true, but I'm not sure what to believe. I don't want to hurt his family. 

I've thought about IC, but I don't know what they could tell me that I don't already know. NC is hard when you work with someone and I can't get another job right now. 

 

 

 

 

[lftbehind]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

OP it sounds like you have a difficult partner who you aren't happy with. This sometimes leads people to choose to have affairs. It's not the betrayed partner's fault, but it something the wayward (you) does in an effort to find happiness.

Please understand that in the majority of cases like this, the affair goes nowhere. It's just a temporary easing of your distress as you get "what you need" from a different partner. Meanwhile, nothing changes at home.

Comparing the marriage to owning a dog like he did shows a level of contempt and disrespect that may be insurmountable. I won't give you specific advice what to do in your situation. You could certainly try to work on your marriage. If it were me, speaking for myself I would be figuring out how to leave. To me, an AP would just be a distraction from the difficult work of figuring out how to accomplish that.

I did have the affair partly to feel better about myself, since my husband has made me feel like I'm nothing. 

You're right the affair isn't going anywhere, but I'm okay with that. Right now we just are talking and no physical contact. 

I think that comparing the marriage shows contempt and disrespect to me, too. At this point, I'm not sure what to do. Sometimes I wonder if he's trying to drive me away. He won't change his habits. I really can't afford it and unless I make a lot more, I won't be able to. The AP is definitely a distraction, but not even a good one sometimes. 

[AriesMan83]

Iftbehind,

How are you?Hope you are doing okay..

I read all your posts in this thread today..I would like to share some thoughts of mine..

1St observation-You mentioned that xMM is seperated from his wife but still staying with her to help with their son and he has TBI and bad memory..If all this is true then why didn't he start a relationship with a girl who is single??My guess is that he is actually not seperated from his wife..A single girl may ask him to get a seperate aparent or shift in with her..If he refuses or make any excuses,a single girl may contact his wife to know the details about seperation which may expose his lies..May be it will lead to a divorce for him and he may have to pay spousal and child support which will decrease his spending power..An affair with you is safe as you will not ask him to move out..If you do,he will give you excuses and break up..You will also not threaten him to expose him to his wife as he can do the same..

2nd observation-You mentioned that the language problems in your current will be present in your future job too..Is the fact that a job change can lead to the end of the affair also stopping from you changing your job??

3rd observation-You mentioned that you don't earn enough to lead a single life.Wont you get alimony or spousal support after divorce??

4th observation-You mentioned that you don't want to hurt xMM's family.Pls understand that by continuing the affair you are enabling him which is actually hurting the xMM's family.You also mentioned that you are doing it for yourself.But this affair of yours for your own self is actually hurting your own family..

5th observation-You mentioned that you shouldn't have unblocked him aftery you had blocked him on phone and media last year..But the affair never ended as you continued meeting him and talking to him at your workplace..You also mentioned that he is eager for the PA to start but it is not possible due to travel and space constraints..What will you do if these constraints get removed??Pls get into NC otherwise he may keep pushing for it and you may give him..Either way EA or PA both are bad..

6th observation-You mentioned xMM is emotionally abusive..Do you still tolerate it because your affair is addictive and allows you to escape the stress of your house?Ask yourself would you have allowed a friend of yours to behave in an abusive manner with you??Would you have not cut that friend out of your life??

7th observation-You mentioned that your husband made you feel nothing..Why do you let your husband's comments define you??You are a strong,independent woman..You have a job..You take care of your house..You help your colleagues and friends..You have a lot of self worth..Your happiness has to come from within you..

Let me give you an example-Let say you single handedly complete a job in your office which proves beneficial for the company..Your colleagues know about it but nobody congratulates you..You may feel a little bad but will that mean that you didn't work hard on the job??Will that mean your success has no value??Absolutely not..Even if nobody congratulates you,you can be happy about the fact that you have helped the company...You can be proud of your achievement..

 

Edited January 19, 2020 by AriesMan83

[AriesMan83]

Iftbehind,

I can understand the situation you are in..

Why do you need an xMM as a distraction??You can start running,going to the gym,volunteering at local charities,learning a new craft or make new friends or go out with your existing friends..Are these options not better than having an affair?? 

You mentioned that you don't earn enough to live alone..But you are still having an affair knowing that your affair can cause problems..What will you do if you get caught or your husband discovers your affair and divorces you??How will you survive on your salary then??

Your husband's comments and habits are extremely hurtful..His coversations with his exW and exGF are also not helpful.

I would kindly suggest you to stop your affair,go NC,develop indifference  and then see if the marrage is salvageable or not??

I understand that seeing him at the workplace makes it difficult for you to stop..But you have to realize that it is addictive and toxic and it is in no way helping you or your current situation..You have to take one day at a time..Make a decision that you will not talk to him or see him or think about him for a day and fulfill it..Then make the same decision the next day and stick to it..With every passing day of NC,your resolution will grow..As he is not in your department then there is no need to talk to him about work..Don't talk to him and ignore him..Don't think about him..Whenever you feel like talking to him or seeing him or thinking about him,keep umyourself busy..You can also use that time by posting over here..I would also suggest you to start looking for a job..

IC will help you change your thought process..It will help you understand why you had an affair...It can help you to develop better boundaries and strong coping skills..Changing yourself can help you become an authentic person..It will help you lead an authentic life..

 

 

Edited January 19, 2020 by AriesMan83

[lftbehind]

7 hours ago, AriesMan83 said:

Iftbehind,

How are you?Hope you are doing okay..

I read all your posts in this thread today..I would like to share some thoughts of mine..

1St observation-You mentioned that xMM is seperated from his wife but still staying with her to help with their son and he has TBI and bad memory..If all this is true then why didn't he start a relationship with a girl who is single??My guess is that he is actually not seperated from his wife..A single girl may ask him to get a seperate aparent or shift in with her..If he refuses or make any excuses,a single girl may contact his wife to know the details about seperation which may expose his lies..May be it will lead to a divorce for him and he may have to pay spousal and child support which will decrease his spending power..An affair with you is safe as you will not ask him to move out..If you do,he will give you excuses and break up..You will also not threaten him to expose him to his wife as he can do the same..

2nd observation-You mentioned that the language problems in your current will be present in your future job too..Is the fact that a job change can lead to the end of the affair also stopping from you changing your job??

3rd observation-You mentioned that you don't earn enough to lead a single life.Wont you get alimony or spousal support after divorce??

4th observation-You mentioned that you don't want to hurt xMM's family.Pls understand that by continuing the affair you are enabling him which is actually hurting the xMM's family.You also mentioned that you are doing it for yourself.But this affair of yours for your own self is actually hurting your own family..

5th observation-You mentioned that you shouldn't have unblocked him aftery you had blocked him on phone and media last year..But the affair never ended as you continued meeting him and talking to him at your workplace..You also mentioned that he is eager for the PA to start but it is not possible due to travel and space constraints..What will you do if these constraints get removed??Pls get into NC otherwise he may keep pushing for it and you may give him..Either way EA or PA both are bad..

6th observation-You mentioned xMM is emotionally abusive..Do you still tolerate it because your affair is addictive and allows you to escape the stress of your house?Ask yourself would you have allowed a friend of yours to behave in an abusive manner with you??Would you have not cut that friend out of your life??

7th observation-You mentioned that your husband made you feel nothing..Why do you let your husband's comments define you??You are a strong,independent woman..You have a job..You take care of your house..You help your colleagues and friends..You have a lot of self worth..Your happiness has to come from within you..

Let me give you an example-Let say you single handedly complete a job in your office which proves beneficial for the company..Your colleagues know about it but nobody congratulates you..You may feel a little bad but will that mean that you didn't work hard on the job??Will that mean your success has no value??Absolutely not..Even if nobody congratulates you,you can be happy about the fact that you have helped the company...You can be proud of your achievement..

Hi AriesMan83, 

I'm okay, thanks. Hope that you are doing well. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my posts 

I thought that xMM was separated, because he had a lot of time to spend with me when he drove (before he lost his driver's license). He also told me that his wife had a boyfriend. It is safer to have an A with me, because I'm married, too. I guess I won't know the truth about his marriage.  

Staying at my job doesn't have anything to do with exMM. I want to stay on 2nd shift, so I don't have to be at home much and I've been there 6 years. 

I don't know if I would get any alimony. Part of the reason that H wants to stay with me is he is getting older and doesn't want to start over and have to divide assets. He knows that I'm going to inherit a fair amount of money, too. 

I don't want to hurt anyone by the A, but not much is going on now.  

I don't see him at work much, but we used to work in the same area. We mostly just talk on the phone a little after work. I don't think that he will get his license back for a long time.

I have tolerated the emotional abuse from xMM, because he has been somewhat of an escape and he says he's sorry. I don't want to put up with it now and I would cut a friend out of my life if they were that way to me. 

I don't have people saying many positive things to me in my life. I have some self worth, but it all comes from me. When the person that you are supposed to be the closet to treats you terribly, it is bound to make you feel bad. H has said the worst things to me that no one else has. It wears a person down to live like that. 

 

 

 

 

[lftbehind]

7 hours ago, AriesMan83 said:

Iftbehind,

I can understand the situation you are in..

Why do you need an xMM as a distraction??You can start running,going to the gym,volunteering at local charities,learning a new craft or make new friends or go out with your existing friends..Are these options not better than having an affair?? 

You mentioned that you don't earn enough to live alone..But you are still having an affair knowing that your affair can cause problems..What will you do if you get caught or your husband discovers your affair and divorces you??How will you survive on your salary then??

Your husband's comments and habits are extremely hurtful..His coversations with his exW and exGF are also not helpful.

I would kindly suggest you to stop your affair,go NC,develop indifference  and then see if the marrage is salvageable or not??

I understand that seeing him at the workplace makes it difficult for you to stop..But you have to realize that it is addictive and toxic and it is in no way helping you or your current situation..You have to take one day at a time..Make a decision that you will not talk to him or see him or think about him for a day and fulfill it..Then make the same decision the next day and stick to it..With every passing day of NC,your resolution will grow..As he is not in your department then there is no need to talk to him about work..Don't talk to him and ignore him..Don't think about him..Whenever you feel like talking to him or seeing him or thinking about him,keep umyourself busy..You can also use that time by posting over here..I would also suggest you to start looking for a job..

IC will help you change your thought process..It will help you understand why you had an affair...It can help you to develop better boundaries and strong coping skills..Changing yourself can help you become an authentic person..It will help you lead an authentic life..

 

I work an odd shift, so it's hard to go out and do things. I work and sleep, mostly. I have a sleep disorder, so it's hard for me to get enough sleep. 

I don't want to get caught. It's not even a PA now. 

Yes H has been very hurtful and I have doubts that I can feel good about us again. My feelings about him have nothing to do with exMM, though. I try to avoid exMM at work, but sometimes I see him. 

xMM is not doing much for me, just showing me some attention, which I don't get from anyone else. I guess that's why it's hard to break it off for good. I can go without talking to him if I have to. I don't like the way that he acts sometimes or the way that he has probably misrepresented his marriage. If I knew that he was definitely not separated I wouldn't have started an A with him. I do need to stop talking to him. 

I've been to IC before and it didn't seem to help me. The counselor just listed to me and didn't say much. I want to live an authentic life, instead of living a lie.  

 

[AriesMan83]

15 hours ago, lftbehind said:

Hi AriesMan83, 

I'm okay, thanks. Hope that you are doing well. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my posts 

I thought that xMM was separated, because he had a lot of time to spend with me when he drove (before he lost his driver's license). He also told me that his wife had a boyfriend. It is safer to have an A with me, because I'm married, too. I guess I won't know the truth about his marriage.  

Staying at my job doesn't have anything to do with exMM. I want to stay on 2nd shift, so I don't have to be at home much and I've been there 6 years. 

I don't know if I would get any alimony. Part of the reason that H wants to stay with me is he is getting older and doesn't want to start over and have to divide assets. He knows that I'm going to inherit a fair amount of money, too. 

I don't want to hurt anyone by the A, but not much is going on now.  

I don't see him at work much, but we used to work in the same area. We mostly just talk on the phone a little after work. I don't think that he will get his license back for a long time.

I have tolerated the emotional abuse from xMM, because he has been somewhat of an escape and he says he's sorry. I don't want to put up with it now and I would cut a friend out of my life if they were that way to me. 

I don't have people saying many positive things to me in my life. I have some self worth, but it all comes from me. When the person that you are supposed to be the closet to treats you terribly, it is bound to make you feel bad. H has said the worst things to me that no one else has. It wears a person down to live like that. 

 

 

 

 

Iftbehind,

Thanks for asking..Hows ur day??

If xMM's wife has a boyfriend and she told xMM about her boyfriend,then why didn't he start a relationship with a single girl??Doesn't her boyfriend have a problem with the fact thst they still live together and she drops xMM to the bus station every day??Is it possible that he had a lot of time to spend with you because he and his wife work opposite shifts??

I think that you staying at this job is partly because of xMM..Will it not be possible to get a 2nd shift at your next job??

Invest the time spent on xMM on other activities such as reading books,going to the gym..Utilise it for other purposes instead of talking or thinking about xMM..Find an activity that makes you happy and invest your time in it..

How do you know that the sorry said by xMM is real and not to keep you from stopping the affair??Pls think of other healthy activities and get involved in them..

Whenever you feel down,think about the good things you have done..Think about the activities done by you that have helped people..You are a strong,independent woman...

Edited January 20, 2020 by AriesMan83

[AriesMan83]

16 hours ago, lftbehind said:

 

I work an odd shift, so it's hard to go out and do things. I work and sleep, mostly. I have a sleep disorder, so it's hard for me to get enough sleep. 

I don't want to get caught. It's not even a PA now. 

Yes H has been very hurtful and I have doubts that I can feel good about us again. My feelings about him have nothing to do with exMM, though. I try to avoid exMM at work, but sometimes I see him. 

xMM is not doing much for me, just showing me some attention, which I don't get from anyone else. I guess that's why it's hard to break it off for good. I can go without talking to him if I have to. I don't like the way that he acts sometimes or the way that he has probably misrepresented his marriage. If I knew that he was definitely not separated I wouldn't have started an A with him. I do need to stop talking to him. 

I've been to IC before and it didn't seem to help me. The counselor just listed to me and didn't say much. I want to live an authentic life, instead of living a lie.  

 

Iftbehind,

If you work an odd shift and don't have time to go out,then maybe you can spend time reading or gardening or watching TV instead of talking to xMM??

Affairs,whether it's a EA or PA or both,are extremely hurtful..What will you do if you get caught??

Your feelings about your marriage and husband are clouded by your affair and xMM..That's why it is necessary for you to go NC,develop indifference and then look objectively at your marriage and decide whether it's salvageable or not..

Why do you need the attention from xMM?You have family and friends..You can start making new friends..When you know you can stop talking and thinking about him,then do it..You know affairs are wrong and hurtful..You know affairs are addictive..If a friend tells you that she wants to quit smoking as it is addictive and harmful for health but she can't as it makes her feel relaxed and happy,then what will be your advice to her??

You mentioned that had you known that he was definitely not seperated then you wouldnt have started an affair with him..What would you have done if he was actually seperated??

Maybe you can talk to a few ICs on the phone..Maybe look for the online review of their services..Maybe ask a friend for a reference...

You can lead an authentic life..Start NC..Make a plan to not talk or think or see him for a day..Prioritise some work or activities for the free time you will have..Maybe post here on your thread evryday about your plan of action..Complete it for a day..Then plan for the next day and do it..Then plan for the day after the next day and do it..With every passing day of NC,your desire to talk or think or see him will decrease and your level of indifference will increase..A journey always begins with one single step..

Edited January 20, 2020 by AriesMan83

[lftbehind]

12 hours ago, AriesMan83 said:

Iftbehind,

Thanks for asking..Hows ur day??

If xMM's wife has a boyfriend and she told xMM about her boyfriend,then why didn't he start a relationship with a single girl??Doesn't her boyfriend have a problem with the fact thst they still live together and she drops xMM to the bus station every day??Is it possible that he had a lot of time to spend with you because he and his wife work opposite shifts??

I think that you staying at this job is partly because of xMM..Will it not be possible to get a 2nd shift at your next job??

Invest the time spent on xMM on other activities such as reading books,going to the gym..Utilise it for other purposes instead of talking or thinking about xMM..Find an activity that makes you happy and invest your time in it..

How do you know that the sorry said by xMM is real and not to keep you from stopping the affair??Pls think of other healthy activities and get involved in them..

Whenever you feel down,think about the good things you have done..Think about the activities done by you that have helped people..You are a strong,independent woman...

Hi AriesMan83, 

My day was okay and hope that your's was, too.

I don't understand the deal about xMM's wife having a boyfriend and I sort of wonder if he's making it up. I would think that the boyfriend would have a problem with him living there and taking him to the station every day, too. She has to take him everywhere he goes, since he can't drive. That makes sense that he used to be able to spend a lot of time with me, because he and his wife have different shifts. 

I would think that if he were really separated from her, that he wouldn't have to hide talking to me on the phone, either. 

I'm not staying at the job partly because of xMM. My husband says he wants me to get a 1st shift job, so he wouldn't want for me to get another 2nd shift job. I don't think that I could handle being at home every night. 

I'll look into finding activities to do. It's hard to do much on this schedule. 

Thank you for saying I'm a strong, independent woman. I try. 

[lftbehind]

11 hours ago, AriesMan83 said:

Iftbehind,

If you work an odd shift and don't have time to go out,then maybe you can spend time reading or gardening or watching TV instead of talking to xMM??

Affairs,whether it's a EA or PA or both,are extremely hurtful..What will you do if you get caught??

Your feelings about your marriage and husband are clouded by your affair and xMM..That's why it is necessary for you to go NC,develop indifference and then look objectively at your marriage and decide whether it's salvageable or not..

Why do you need the attention from xMM?You have family and friends..You can start making new friends..When you know you can stop talking and thinking about him,then do it..You know affairs are wrong and hurtful..You know affairs are addictive..If a friend tells you that she wants to quit smoking as it is addictive and harmful for health but she can't as it makes her feel relaxed and happy,then what will be your advice to her??

You mentioned that had you known that he was definitely not seperated then you wouldnt have started an affair with him..What would you have done if he was actually seperated??

Maybe you can talk to a few ICs on the phone..Maybe look for the online review of their services..Maybe ask a friend for a reference...

You can lead an authentic life..Start NC..Make a plan to not talk or think or see him for a day..Prioritise some work or activities for the free time you will have..Maybe post here on your thread evryday about your plan of action..Complete it for a day..Then plan for the next day and do it..Then plan for the day after the next day and do it..With every passing day of NC,your desire to talk or think or see him will decrease and your level of indifference will increase..A journey always begins with one single step..

I would only talk to xMM a little at night. 

I consider it pretty much over right now and wouldn't want to get caught. It's been over a year since we've been able to spend any time together. I care about him some, but I'm sort of indifferent to him now. 

I know I need to go NC and make decisions about my marriage. It's hard, because my hearts not in it anymore. I think I've been hurt too much by him. I will go from a comfortable lifestyle to being poor, if we break up. 

I don't know that many people and can't communicate with a lot of people at work. I keep to myself a lot. Affairs are addictive, but at this point I'm not addicted to him. I probably would have done the same thing that I did, if he was separated. 

I'll think about IC. It's very expensive where I live and I don't know anyone to ask for a reference. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[AriesMan83]

11 hours ago, lftbehind said:

Hi AriesMan83, 

My day was okay and hope that your's was, too.

I don't understand the deal about xMM's wife having a boyfriend and I sort of wonder if he's making it up. I would think that the boyfriend would have a problem with him living there and taking him to the station every day, too. She has to take him everywhere he goes, since he can't drive. That makes sense that he used to be able to spend a lot of time with me, because he and his wife have different shifts. 

I would think that if he were really separated from her, that he wouldn't have to hide talking to me on the phone, either. 

I'm not staying at the job partly because of xMM. My husband says he wants me to get a 1st shift job, so he wouldn't want for me to get another 2nd shift job. I don't think that I could handle being at home every night. 

I'll look into finding activities to do. It's hard to do much on this schedule. 

Thank you for saying I'm a strong, independent woman. I try. 

Hello Iftbehind,

My day was okay..Hope your day went well..

Maybe xMM hasn't told you the truth about his marital status..

I don't think that xMM had to hide talking to you from his wife if he was actually seperated..Did you think about these reasons earlier??With distance from xMM,NC and complete indifference,you be able to look at the situation more objectively..

What is the reason for your husband asking you to get a 1st shift job??Have you asked your husband about it??

Maybe you can do something at your house itself like gardening or reading etc...

Always have faith in yourself...

Edited January 21, 2020 by AriesMan83

[AriesMan83]

10 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I would only talk to xMM a little at night. 

I consider it pretty much over right now and wouldn't want to get caught. It's been over a year since we've been able to spend any time together. I care about him some, but I'm sort of indifferent to him now. 

I know I need to go NC and make decisions about my marriage. It's hard, because my hearts not in it anymore. I think I've been hurt too much by him. I will go from a comfortable lifestyle to being poor, if we break up. 

I don't know that many people and can't communicate with a lot of people at work. I keep to myself a lot. Affairs are addictive, but at this point I'm not addicted to him. I probably would have done the same thing that I did, if he was separated. 

I'll think about IC. It's very expensive where I live and I don't know anyone to ask for a reference. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Iftbehind,

Why do you want to talk to xMM at night??

Why do you care about xMM when he has been emotionally abusive to you??You have to be completely indifferent to xMM...

Do you have any good friends in the area you live in??Do you have any good friends in the workplace??

If possible,talk to some ICs on the phone and look online for their reviews.

You can lead an authentic life..Believe in yourself...

[lftbehind]

12 hours ago, AriesMan83 said:

Hello Iftbehind,

My day was okay..Hope your day went well..

Maybe xMM hasn't told you the truth about his marital status..

I don't think that xMM had to hide talking to you from his wife if he was actually seperated..Did you think about these reasons earlier??With distance from xMM,NC and complete indifference,you be able to look at the situation more objectively..

What is the reason for your husband asking you to get a 1st shift job??Have you asked your husband about it??

Maybe you can do something at your house itself like gardening or reading etc...

Always have faith in yourself...

Hi AriesMan83,

My day was okay, too and I have today off, which is good. Hope that you're doing well. 

I did think that he was separated, but maybe he did lie about it. I think that even if he was separated it would be awkward to talk to me on the phone with his wife around. 

My husband says that he wants for me to get a 1st shift job, so we can have more time together. He drinks and gets high and I really don't like to be around it more that I have to. I did tell him that I have a problem with it. 

I can do stuff at my house. I get home at 12:30 a.m. , so it's hard to get into much. 

Thank you, I need to have faith in myself. 

 

[lftbehind]

12 hours ago, AriesMan83 said:

Iftbehind,

Why do you want to talk to xMM at night??

Why do you care about xMM when he has been emotionally abusive to you??You have to be completely indifferent to xMM...

Do you have any good friends in the area you live in??Do you have any good friends in the workplace??

If possible,talk to some ICs on the phone and look online for their reviews.

You can lead an authentic life..Believe in yourself...

The night was just a time when we could talk. 

I need to be indifferent to him. He does have some good things about him that I admire. I cut him some slack as far as his behavior, because of his TBI. He has a lot of damage from it. I would tell him when he hurt me, though and he would apologize. I got tired of putting up with his acting up, though. My husband hurt me way more than him and would not apologize sometimes. 

I don't have close friends, but have acquaintances. 

I'll think about IC, but I'm not sure that it would help me. 

I do want to live an authentic life someday.