We all want a relationship

[guy45]

Just wanted to share my thoughts on this topic.

For most people on this forum who are single it seems obvious that we all want a relationship to complete us. We try improving ourselves : posting better pictures, going out more etc...

 

But from what I'm seeing the biggest problem as to why we're not making any progress is a lack of a diverse social network in the real world. We spend most of our time on social networking sites which are in fact making us even lonelier.

 

So what's the solution? In my opinion its to meet as many people as possible (in the real world) and if possible spend quality time with them. If you know a diverse set of people (not just one group of people you see weekly) then it seems highly likely that you will indeed meet someone you like.

 

Humans are social creatures and we need to be around other people in order to be happy. I honestly never believed in the whole being happy alone thing to me it's just nonsense,

and like everything else in life, remember : building a broad social network takes work.

 

I hope this helps.

[carhill]

You make some good points. Perhaps this is what, in part, draws people to urban areas. Constant and diverse human contact. IDK.

 

At the other end of life, having done all that stuff, one thing has become increasingly noticeable, how we die alone. That's one thing I've noted outliving many family members and friends at this point in life, and being around some during that process, how the 'social network' disappeared, with a few true family members or friends remaining along with the vultures circling for the material scraps.

 

Is it a curse being comfortable, even enjoying,  being alone? IDK. I've lived it both ways and both have been both rewarding and maddening. One thing I do know, I'd rather be alone than around people who suck the life out of me, something not uncommon for humans apparently. Maybe I never learned to be more selfish and self-involved, a healthy amount of that. We all have our faults. My exW once said I apologized too much. Perhaps she was onto something. She, OTOH, never apologized. I think overall she's been more successful in life. Perhaps that's what it takes. Perhaps I'll die in ignorance. Such is life.

 

Some people, though not myself, consider LS to be social media of a fashion, a virtual social network. Apparently some/many connect in the real world too. IDK. I think social people, that personality, succeed whatever the venue. Some people have it and some don't. That's reality.

 

Merry Christmas to you and best wishes in your pursuits.

[Ellener]

It's another big dilemma of moden life in the modern world- we're not perpetually tied to one person 'for better or worse' but the freedom maybe gives too many choices? or encourages thoughtlessness? 

 

I had a conversation with my son today after some obnoxious behaviour from the divorced family I'm in a shared house with, I told him firstly if his father and I acted like that after our divorce when he was a kid then I owe him an apology ( and I apologise! ) but I also said I realise now why our marriage failed and I don't intend being in any relationship ( or community for that matter ) for any length of time where it becomes the norm to be unpleasant. If I'm acting like a jerk it's on me to change things either by accepting and adjusting or getting out. My ex did some bad things so it would be easy to simplify and just blame him, and I did for a while, but now I can see where I didn't help matters much. Maybe that clarity only comes with time and distance. And age probably.

 

I'm in one meet up group and there are two lovely single men who I enjoy hanging out with, but neither would I consider relationship material because of comments they make about their exes and even other meet up members, which make them seem petty and controlling. They're both decent guys,  but it is off-putting and I can see where I have put off potential mates because I was in the throes of emotions about something else. It's not much fun for others. Even stuff like politics and work etc. not to mention recovering from the flood and subsequent anxiety disorder. 

 

That's been a challenge for me, to reconnect with my fun self after years of seriousness! Work in progress. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[hotpotato]

I agree. Even if you're online dating, its doable. The key is the numbers. 

I think I could find a bf if I tried

1)introducing myself to a lot of men in person & 2) online dating, with at least one date per week

Sure, I'd go through a lot of bs, but I think I could find someone in a year or less. 

 

[basil67]

I agree that a diverse social network is really helpful.  Not only in terms of meeting more people, but in terms of knowing how to be social to start with.

That said, I think that seeing dating as a numbers game is most of the problem.   How can you get to know one person when you've got four others in the wings and you're wondering if they are better?  Or that someone you haven't met yet may be better?   

Back when I was young (in Australia) a zillion years ago, it wasn't hard to find a nice boyfriend or girlfriend, have a relationship and get married.  Most people only dated between about 2-5 people before marrying.   And we were able to spend 6 months to a year or two single without stressing about not having had a date.  We'd just hang out with our friends and have fun while single.  

[The Outlaw]

Good points, but you also need the right mindset, attitude and want to make it happen. But some people are just content in being single. 

[chillii]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree that a diverse social network is really helpful.  Not only in terms of meeting more people, but in terms of knowing how to be social to start with.

That said, I think that seeing dating as a numbers game is most of the problem.   How can you get to know one person when you've got four others in the wings and you're wondering if they are better?  Or that someone you haven't met yet may be better?   

Back when I was young (in Australia) a zillion years ago, it wasn't hard to find a nice boyfriend or girlfriend, have a relationship and get married.  Most people only dated between about 2-5 people before marrying.   And we were able to spend 6 months to a year or two single without stressing about not having had a date.  We'd just hang out with our friends and have fun while single.  

Yep , agree 110% .

And unfortunately my marriage didn't work out but thankfully things were still pretty much the same these days for me and for anyone l met.

l think the mentality and all the "to do's"  , all over the net is really messing people silly enough to take any notice of it all ,  up.  And the numbers thing , imo is probably one of the worst ways to think ,they just seem to shoot blind , at anything ,  but eh , that's me l guess , l do know though none of it would've gotten me very far.

Edited December 29, 2019 by chillii

[guy45]

Well here's the thing, you socialize with as many people as possible, then once you've done that you'll have a clear idea of the type of people you are most compatible with. You don't have to go out and socialize daily, you just have to find the people you can get along with the most, in the real world.

If the first person that you meet is one that you can get along with great then there's no need to continue searching, but in reality that's usually not the case since people may : already be in a relationship, have a different orientation, or just aren't interested.

You can also socialize with people to make new friends, which is always a plus. Either way getting out of the house and talking to others, although it may take some effort, is a win win. Socializing just makes people happy.

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

How can you get to know one person when you've got four others in the wings and you're wondering if they are better?

That's really up to your best judgment. You take the knowledge that you've learned over the years and you choose the person you believe that would be the best match for you, with loyalty being the most valuable trait.

[basil67]

If a person is multi dating, I would argue that it's pretty hard to discern if they are loyal. 

[hotpotato]

20 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree that a diverse social network is really helpful.  Not only in terms of meeting more people, but in terms of knowing how to be social to start with.

That said, I think that seeing dating as a numbers game is most of the problem.   How can you get to know one person when you've got four others in the wings and you're wondering if they are better?  Or that someone you haven't met yet may be better?   

Back when I was young (in Australia) a zillion years ago, it wasn't hard to find a nice boyfriend or girlfriend, have a relationship and get married.  Most people only dated between about 2-5 people before marrying.   And we were able to spend 6 months to a year or two single without stressing about not having had a date.  We'd just hang out with our friends and have fun while single.  

Not everyone has a diverse social network. I'll admit im.not that social in general. 

Well, speaking for myself, I may only have two in the wings at a time. I think one date a week is a good pace. Many men will essentially terminate themselves, so I wouldn't be getting to know all of them. Most dates wont go past one or two. Wt this point no one is going steady. 

At some point you'll find someone you like who will naturally take more and more of your attention. 

I think of it like buying a house. If you mostly really like the house, you should strongly consider taking it. Every house is going to have drawbacks, one must decide what they can live with. 

I want to know how to have 4 actual suitors waiting in the wings lol. That's easy to fo with sex, as it is easy to get sex out of a man. The only way I see that happening for me is a lot of online dating and a lot of approaching men. 

[carhill]

8 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

I want to know how to have 4 actual suitors waiting in the wings lol.

In my former demographic all you had to do was be married and hint that things were, eh, not ideal. The men would line up. Get a rotation going and pick the best combination of compatible personality and lifestyle and eject the present man and replace with this next one. Rinse and repeat as your desires warranted. Like in that old but funny SNL skit with Tom Brady, be attractive and don't be unattractive. It helps to be in a demographic where women, in your case, are in demand.

[chillii]

53 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

Not everyone has a diverse social network. I'll admit im.not that social in general. 

Well, speaking for myself, I may only have two in the wings at a time. I think one date a week is a good pace. Many men will essentially terminate themselves, so I wouldn't be getting to know all of them. Most dates wont go past one or two. Wt this point no one is going steady. 

At some point you'll find someone you like who will naturally take more and more of your attention. 

I think of it like buying a house. If you mostly really like the house, you should strongly consider taking it. Every house is going to have drawbacks, one must decide what they can live with. 

I want to know how to have 4 actual suitors waiting in the wings lol. That's easy to fo with sex, as it is easy to get sex out of a man. The only way I see that happening for me is a lot of online dating and a lot of approaching men. 

 

Fair enough if it works for others. But funny thing apart from partying days and other stuff back in 20s , l've never had any kind of social network as they call it., not when l met my w or woman now. l'm pretty well a loner of sorts, but there's women out there the same so none of that matters. Another thing for me that also totally contradicts it all, the sort of woman l go for is as rare as hens teeth, a 1 in millions, but l can spot her at 100 paces when she's appeared , to me she stands out as l did her, same recognizes same . So l could see 200 woman in 1 minute and know l'm not interested in any of them.

For me it's all just in knowing yourself , l've never understood this thing of needing to meet all these people to find out who you fit , l've always known who l fit and who fits me. Most people in forums with this sort of thing don't seem to know themselves.  But anyway , that's always been how things are and worked for me personally

 

Edited December 29, 2019 by chillii

[chillii]

lt's always been quality not quantity to me.

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, carhill said:

In my former demographic all you had to do was be married and hint that things were, eh, not ideal. The men would line up. Get a rotation going and pick the best combination of compatible personality and lifestyle and eject the present man and replace with this next one. Rinse and repeat as your desires warranted. Like in that old but funny SNL skit with Tom Brady, be attractive and don't be unattractive. It helps to be in a demographic where women, in your case, are in demand.

It's easy to get men to line up. Most men will do that for a chance to have sex. That doesnt make him a real suitor. 

You make it sound simple, but it can turn into a job. 

[hotpotato]

20 minutes ago, chillii said:

lt's always been quality not quantity to me.

 

 

39 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Fair enough if it works for others. But funny thing apart from partying days and other stuff back in 20s , l've never had any kind of social network as they call it., not when l met my w or woman now. l'm pretty well a loner of sorts, but there's women out there the same so none of that matters. Another thing for me that also totally contradicts it all, the sort of woman l go for is as rare as hens teeth, a 1 in millions, but l can spot her at 100 paces when she's appeared , to me she stands out as l did her, same recognizes same . So l could see 200 woman in 1 minute and know l'm not interested in any of them.

For me it's all just in knowing yourself , l've never understood this thing of needing to meet all these people to find out who you fit , l've always known who l fit and who fits me. Most people in forums with this sort of thing don't seem to know themselves.  But anyway , that's always been how things are and worked for me personally

 

You can still pick people you think you'd like. One doesnt have to shoot blindly. 

 

I've experienced that, too. I envisioned the kind of man I wanted, and he came to me, but he had some dealbreakers. I wasnt trying to date anyway, but I would've let him go over the drama surrounding him. I would've had to NEXT him but not bc I thought he was a bad candidate.

[carhill]

22 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

It's easy to get men to line up. Most men will do that for a chance to have sex. That doesnt make him a real suitor.  You make it sound simple, but it can turn into a job. 

IDK, rings got put on fingers and nuptials were recited, cohabitation occurred so perhaps the typical new sex was great but it's like that with any relationship where sex is involved and then things progressed. I never got the sense that women I knew or had as girlfriends or a spouse would deal with a man who wasn't clicking their buttons for very long. Too many potential better deals out there. Some guys could keep them in the game pretty well with social power and money, sure.  Men are great tools, even to get other men. Why throw away a good tool? Don't, unless and until a better one comes along. Nothing wrong with that. Life is dynamic people live a long time, we're all replaceable. Our egos don't like that, of course, but we are. For family, for friends, for romance, for jobs, for everything. We're no panacea or god, only human, fallible, imperfect, mortal.

I do agree, for most normal people, finding and growing relationships can be a job. It isn't always, but can be. Hopefully we can accept it for what it is and have some fun along the way.

[Ellener]

On 12/28/2019 at 8:03 PM, basil67 said:

I think that seeing dating as a numbers game is most of the problem.   How can you get to know one person when you've got four others in the wings and you're wondering if they are better?  Or that someone you haven't met yet may be better?   

True. I'm 53 and already been married and divorced, but that was the first thing I found about match.com, there was a lack of authenticity which didn't fit who I am or who I want to be.

Fortunately the one date I went on was a really lovely person, so he and I behaved with good grace and politeness and kindness, accepting we weren't it but having a nice date and wishing each other well. 

For me I know now I don't just want a marriage, and I'm too old for more babies, and I can take care of and keep myself, and frankly I can find sexual partners if that's all I want. So- what am I looking for is foremost in my mind, and then I realised, I already love somebody and if it's not going to be him I have to get past that first.

No wonder there's so many songs about love...

When my son was small he used to come with me sometimes when I was singing and he commented once, mum all these songs are about love- love gone wrong!

[chillii]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

True. I'm 53 and already been married and divorced, but that was the first thing I found about match.com, there was a lack of authenticity which didn't fit who I am or who I want to be.

Fortunately the one date I went on was a really lovely person, so he and I behaved with good grace and politeness and kindness, accepting we weren't it but having a nice date and wishing each other well. 

For me I know now I don't just want a marriage, and I'm too old for more babies, and I can take care of and keep myself, and frankly I can find sexual partners if that's all I want. So- what am I looking for is foremost in my mind, and then I realised, I already love somebody and if it's not going to be him I have to get past that first.

No wonder there's so many songs about love...

When my son was small he used to come with me sometimes when I was singing and he commented once, mum all these songs are about love- love gone wrong!

Haaa, that's true.

When l was painting a gallery said to me , there's so much about love in your work , true l suppose , there was.

l was fascinated with emotion and connection , so l did do a lot of emotional work,  l use to sit down the beach with my pads looking for that really special couple and when l'd spot them , l';d draw them maybe paint them later. Sometimes they'd start to look a bit concerned so l'd go and explain to them , then they'd become proud because l could see what they had out of 100s of others.

One pair invited me to their wedding haha.

[hotpotato]

14 hours ago, carhill said:

IDK, rings got put on fingers and nuptials were recited, cohabitation occurred so perhaps the typical new sex was great but it's like that with any relationship where sex is involved and then things progressed. I never got the sense that women I knew or had as girlfriends or a spouse would deal with a man who wasn't clicking their buttons for very long. Too many potential better deals out there. Some guys could keep them in the game pretty well with social power and money, sure.  Men are great tools, even to get other men. Why throw away a good tool? Don't, unless and until a better one comes along. Nothing wrong with that. Life is dynamic people live a long time, we're all replaceable. Our egos don't like that, of course, but we are. For family, for friends, for romance, for jobs, for everything. We're no panacea or god, only human, fallible, imperfect, mortal.

I do agree, for most normal people, finding and growing relationships can be a job. It isn't always, but can be. Hopefully we can accept it for what it is and have some fun along the way.

Maybe that's what I was doing wrong. I was very loyal. Ha.

[carhill]

One relationship irony is often those most disloyal value loyalty the most. Why? It's all about them. This is most commonly seen with 'collectors', people who manipulate and collect others to draw attention to themselves and puff up their own self-importance. Relationships are, or can be, a method of popularity validation. We see the latter when people appear to attract more attention/interest when coupled or married. Part can be validation of attractiveness and part can be societal stamp of approval respecting the vast majority of humans are coupled. Being coupled, married, or in a relationship is viewed as 'success' and people who struggle or have outlier relationship views can be dismissed or shunned. All part socio-political dynamics. Most times it isn't obvious and in our face but rather runs as an undercurrent. We want to 'fit in', going way back to peer integration in our adolescence.