Resolving complicated situation

[Aurox3003]

Hello,

I'm married almost 10 years , but in the last 2 years my husband started to change in his character/personality .

When i met him i knew he didn't believe God at all and he knew that i believe in God , but i'm not religious fanatic and i think that everyone should believe/not believe in what they want , so we lived fine with our religious differences .

Approximately 2 years ago he gradually started developing a hatred to religion - before that he said that religion can affect positively on community even though he's an atheist  - and today he always says that he hates religious people and thinks that everyone who believes in God (no matter which religion) is stupid , blind and should be hospitalized in madhouse , every day he feeds that haterd more and more and he doesn't talk to any member of his family and say that they are stupid and and don't understand nothing in this life , and freezd his relationships with his closest friends because as he says that most of them disappointed him because they not supporting him in his radical opinions and they don't want to argue with him religious issues.

Today doesn't talk to anyone and doesn't have job - and i think that part of the reason that he was fired 4 months ago is his manner of speech and redicalicity , and when i try to talk to him he is getting annoyed and irritated , not only about the job - i try to talk to him nicely and understand him why he had changed so radically and he is getting angry and says " If you don't like it why you don't divorce" and i don't want to divorce because i love him and we have a child , and i think that marital problems should be solved and he shouldn't try to escape in each problem with "divorce" solution.

I suggested him to go to consulting for pairs , but he doesn't want to hear that. When i try to understand what he feels he always says  something like "i don't know what to say" or "i don't know how i feel" .

I'm not the only one who thinks that he has changed - all his family sees that and i talked to one of his sisters and she explained that other family members took distance from him because of that reason , and that he is very irritable and answers with anger , and i see it every day on all type of people that we meet.

I don't know how to handle this situation because i'm alone in this and he is getting worse and radical in this issue and he is aware of that and he said few time clearly that he will become more and more radical against religion  , and  can't count so much on his family members because they also feel hurted from him , and i cannot count on my family because of very serious reasons .

[mark clemson]

I think he's become mildly obsessed with this issue and probably feels some sort of moral imperative as well. While I personally believe in God, it's possible to view religion as detrimental to humans generally. (For example, large numbers of people genuinely believing things that aren't facts such as the earth being much less old than it actually is, Adam and Eve being real people, etc, etc, and staying in denial when facts that argue against this are shown.) And taking advantage of or being manipulated through belief, resulting in oppression, terrorism, etc.

 

In truth this is a human problem, not a religious one as all sorts of people can cling stubbornly to counterfactual beliefs, be sociopathic, be manipulated, etc.

 

I don't have a specific solution for your H or yourself. It sounds like his behavior is starting to escalate and that may lead to problems. If you attempt to talk him down/get him to see reason, consider doing it using his "language". Ie, present facts such as ALL people (not just religious ones) simply aren't perfect, have cognitive biases, and can have false beliefs (e.g. Linus Pauling) etc. Religion extremism and/or distortion of reality are the symptoms, not the disease. The "disease" (and I don't mean that negatively, just extending the metaphor) is humanity, and we are how we evolved so changes to that will take a LONG time indeed.

 

Barring that, you might need to consider seeking help from a counselor/psychologist. Probably this should be about his overall behaviors/mental health, not his beliefs per se, but I guess that would be up to the counselor/psychologist.

[schlumpy]

I think he needs a thorough medical exam with the doctor having knowledge of his suspected personality change. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I know EXACTLY how you feel.  This describes my sister's relationship with her husband almost identically.  It is a very, very hard road to be on and I really feel for you :(.  My sister is in counseling to help deal because her husband refuses to get help :(.  It's heartbreaking to so many people he's shut out from their life :(.  He even insisted they all move all the way across the country 2 years ago, and now my sister is completely isolated.  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

5 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I think he needs a thorough medical exam with the doctor having knowledge of his suspected personality change. 

Good luck trying to reason with someone like this to do it :(.  

[Aurox3003]

Hello , 

Thank you for all the replies , i can't get him to understand that his hatred is absurd , because the evil really human problem and it's not about religion/politics/specific ideology.

I find myself sometimes very angry about him because he has drastically changed and every time i see more and more how he changes to worse , each time by little step , and the worst is that he thinks that he's ok and perfect with his change and everyone who doesn't like it can go to hell including me , and he doesn't think that he's got a problem.

Also he drinks every 4-5 days or 1-1.5 week a bottle of alcohol mix with some juice alone without company , and month ago my sister in law told me that he's drunk almost 1.5 bottle of alcohol and he even started to forget things seriously , he forgot few weeks ago few hours of his life and what he did , and lately he forgets more little things that he shouldn't.

I told him that he is developing an addiction and it's unhealthy and can be toxic , but he told me that he want to destroy himself and this is his life and he has the right to do whatever he wants with his body including destruction by alcohol , and i can't talk reasonably with him , because each day he becomes more irritable to the surrounding people - not only family but almost to every one we are dealing with like the grocery seller , bank clerk , etc .

I really don't know how to deal with something like that when the partner doesn't want to recognize that his behavior is problematic , anyway some time i occupy myself with my hobbies , but most of the time i'm feeling angry , disappointed ,and i really don't know how to handle this situation....

[schlumpy]

You need to talk with some healthcare professionals as to what your options are. There may be organic problems here that are only going to be revealed through extensive testing. Since alcohol is involved I would check in with Al-anon. They might be able get you oriented so you have a path to follow.

 

[mrs rubble]

I'd be suspicious of him maybe taking drugs. My ex SIL was a great friend of mine and her personality changed drastically when she started taking meth.

I've also noticed that meth users get very angry when they come down after a hit.

[wtm78]

On 12/26/2019 at 9:05 PM, Aurox3003 said:

Hello,

I'm married almost 10 years , but in the last 2 years my husband started to change in his character/personality .

When i met him i knew he didn't believe God at all and he knew that i believe in God , but i'm not religious fanatic and i think that everyone should believe/not believe in what they want , so we lived fine with our religious differences .

Approximately 2 years ago he gradually started developing a hatred to religion - before that he said that religion can affect positively on community even though he's an atheist  - and today he always says that he hates religious people and thinks that everyone who believes in God (no matter which religion) is stupid , blind and should be hospitalized in madhouse , every day he feeds that haterd more and more and he doesn't talk to any member of his family and say that they are stupid and and don't understand nothing in this life , and freezd his relationships with his closest friends because as he says that most of them disappointed him because they not supporting him in his radical opinions and they don't want to argue with him religious issues.

Today doesn't talk to anyone and doesn't have job - and i think that part of the reason that he was fired 4 months ago is his manner of speech and redicalicity , and when i try to talk to him he is getting annoyed and irritated , not only about the job - i try to talk to him nicely and understand him why he had changed so radically and he is getting angry and says " If you don't like it why you don't divorce" and i don't want to divorce because i love him and we have a child , and i think that marital problems should be solved and he shouldn't try to escape in each problem with "divorce" solution.

I suggested him to go to consulting for pairs , but he doesn't want to hear that. When i try to understand what he feels he always says  something like "i don't know what to say" or "i don't know how i feel" .

I'm not the only one who thinks that he has changed - all his family sees that and i talked to one of his sisters and she explained that other family members took distance from him because of that reason , and that he is very irritable and answers with anger , and i see it every day on all type of people that we meet.

I don't know how to handle this situation because i'm alone in this and he is getting worse and radical in this issue and he is aware of that and he said few time clearly that he will become more and more radical against religion  , and  can't count so much on his family members because they also feel hurted from him , and i cannot count on my family because of very serious reasons .

He doesn't hate religion. He hates God. Not because he doesn't believe in God. He just can't believe why is he going through what he is going through and God is silent about them. So it's easier to hate God and everyone around him because he is hurting and doesn't know how to find help. 

I agree that he needs help. But I'm not sure if counseling will help. His heart is broken, he needs a "heart surgeon" to heal his heart. The least he needs now is telling him that he is broken and needs help.

I guess what you can do is to pray for him and show him some love. But at the same time you need to take care of yourself. It's not going to be easy. Take care..

[schlumpy]

7 hours ago, wtm78 said:

He doesn't hate religion. He hates God. Not because he doesn't believe in God. He just can't believe why is he going through what he is going through and God is silent about them. So it's easier to hate God and everyone around him because he is hurting and doesn't know how to find help. 

 

God gives us the gift of free will. He prepares the table and we get to choose or reject what we want. 

[Aurox3003]

I don't think that he using drugs but he smokes weed/hash ,  and he started developing the hatred approximately 1.5-2 years ago . When i dated with him i knew he didn't believe God and he always said that any religion can be good to some people if it causes them to act in good way , but in our last argument i told him that , and he said that he changed his point of view about this and in the few last weeks he says that he really hates religion.

I don't think that he has any reasons to hate life or religion because we don't have economical/health problems  , we are not rich but there's nothing missing in our life , thus i don't understand such change in behavior , sometimes i think that he's seek of all that junk that he puts in his body (alcohol and hash) even though it's not something illegal in our country , but i think this things cause him to be like that.

At Saturday he bought a bottle of alcohol with a box of energy drinks , and yesterday i saw that he finished this bottle , and yesterday i saw he bought a new one + half of box  - 26 small energy bottles were consumed , and i feel helpless because i don't argue with him - he is so stubborn that he's capable of going out of house alone and drink anyway , and also bothers me the fact that he can get alcoholic intoxication and something bad can happen and i can't do anything to prevent this , and eventually if something wrong will happen his family may blame me for not handling this correctly as his legal spouse.

 

[ajequals]

I hate to say it bust some people just can't be fixed. I'd probably think about leaving. making yourself happy. 

[schlumpy]

3 hours ago, Aurox3003 said:

I don't think that he using drugs but he smokes weed/hash ,  and he started developing the hatred approximately 1.5-2 years ago . When i dated with him i knew he didn't believe God and he always said that any religion can be good to some people if it causes them to act in good way , but in our last argument i told him that , and he said that he changed his point of view about this and in the few last weeks he says that he really hates religion.

I don't think that he has any reasons to hate life or religion because we don't have economical/health problems  , we are not rich but there's nothing missing in our life , thus i don't understand such change in behavior , sometimes i think that he's seek of all that junk that he puts in his body (alcohol and hash) even though it's not something illegal in our country , but i think this things cause him to be like that.

At Saturday he bought a bottle of alcohol with a box of energy drinks , and yesterday i saw that he finished this bottle , and yesterday i saw he bought a new one + half of box  - 26 small energy bottles were consumed , and i feel helpless because i don't argue with him - he is so stubborn that he's capable of going out of house alone and drink anyway , and also bothers me the fact that he can get alcoholic intoxication and something bad can happen and i can't do anything to prevent this , and eventually if something wrong will happen his family may blame me for not handling this correctly as his legal spouse.

 

At some point you will have to protect yourself. You have to remember that he's like someone swimmer who is drowning and a drowning swimmer will drag their own mother down with them. You will not be any good to yourself or your SO if you let that happen. Put together a plan so you are not unprepared for most likely outcomes.

Keep yourself safe as this escalating.