Unusual Christmas gift

[Worried and Confused]

I think my wife has basically just told me she wants to cheat on me.

She bought ‘us’ some early Christmas presents. All of them were sex toys, and some pretty weird ones at that.
I’m pretty down with all that but it was the ‘gift certificate’ that came with it that fell flat like a lead balloon from my point of view and she’s not happy about it.

The gift certificate was for “A no questions asked weekend of fun with any female (or male, or both) of your choosing for both of us. I will not be allowed to say no to anything. The use of the toys is not mandatory but would be welcomed.”

That’s word for word.  There were 6 certificates.

Seriously WTF?  We are not swingers, we have not had threesomes.  The closest thing to anything like that is some pillow talk but I had no idea that she was taking this seriously.

When I confronted her about it she said she got talking to the woman at the sex shop and “one thing led to another” and they got talking about that sort of thing.
I directly asked her if anything happened between them and she swears no but admits she wanted to. She did get her number in case we wanted to use the first certificate with her.
I said they would never get used and we pretty much left it at that because we had other commitments so we were busy all day.
That night she quizzed me on it and to cut a very long discussion short she wants it and if I’m not prepared to do it with her would I allow her to do it alone? 

She’s basically just asked me if she can cheat on me.

Of course I said no.

Over the last couple of days she’s started pointing out other females asking if they would be my type.

Of course I said no to that as well but I don’t know what comes next.

I have asked her to stop and I’ll reinforce that to her but her stopping verbalizing this doesn’t stop the desires she must have.

Ideas?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Indeed, giving someone a gift certificate for something they would never want, but you would, is a very thoughtless Christmas gift!  If I had a SO and he gave me a gift certificate to play 18 holes of golf, I'd be ticked! 

 

Good luck working through this one.....she could have approached this desire of hers in a MUCH better way, and you have every right to say no.

[WhiteHair]

I normally don't sign up for forums based on a reading a post, but, sir, yours demanded such an action. ;-)

 

While I don't have the number of posts of CO above, you have much bigger issues than an inappropriate gift. Your wife is telling, nor screaming at your that she is not satisfied in either your married or sexual life. You have missed some clues somewhere or ignored them. The fact that she continues to bring it up shows the intensity that it weighs on her mind and the amount of time she is thinking about it.

 

You cannot limit her desires or thought processes and since it appears she still has them, your telling her to stop will likely force her to do it behind your back. One is what one thinks about, I am afraid. You need to decide one thing, and one thing only: do you respect yourself and your love for her to continue in a relationship that is not healthy for you. If she wants it, you cannot stop her nor should you since she should have the same freedom that you ask for your marital perspective.

 

You must decide if her desires are now incompatible with your concept of marriage. DON"T let people tell you that you must understand her, allow her the freedom, etc. You need to decide if her actions or future actions based on her indications and questioning are not consistent with your concept of what you want in a wife or marriage. If you can live with it and her extra-martial activity, then pipe down and be the 'billpayer, provider, solid rock' for her while she plays. If you cannot live with it then be strong and end it. Asking her to make a decision, in my humble opinion, would be an ineffective strategy. You and she are beyond that point - when a wife brings such desires to her husband of many years she is hinting that it's over or that she thinks you are too weak to stop her, i.e., you will allow her to have her cake and eat it too.  (Sorry for the pun...)

 

This is not good for you or her. Let me explain. By allowing her to play out her desires within in a marriage, you are telling her that her behavior is acceptable. You are conditioning her towards such behavior. It will not improve, she will not wake up and reform. She will continue to push the envelope until she leaves or you cannot stomach the additional outcomes of her allowed behavior. I call this the "Frankenstein syndrome -" and you, my friend will be the doctor. You will create the monster by allowing such behavior to continue. I am totally amazed by people that assume by just trying to "understand, be accepting, support" the SO that you are being helpful or noble. NO YOU ARE NOT! You are creating a monster, so to speak. The best you can do for her is allowing her to do what she wants, BUT making her live with consequences for her choices and decisions.

 

All decisions have consequences and to protect loved ones from the consequences of their decisions reinforces that 'monster-making' concept that mistakes do not have bad results or outcomes. You may think that you love her too much, that you cannot live without her, that she will come around. Sorry, not going to happen if you remove the consequences of her actions. Let her have the freedom she wants or has told you, but, sir, you need to exercise the greater love by allowing her to live with the consequences. Don't create a monster - be strong enough to realize that shielding her is not in her best interest. If she wants to fulfill her desires, tell her, "I cannot stop you nor will I."

 

Once she does it, be strong and end your relationship and move on. She must learn to live with her decisions and consequences or you run the risk of teaching her that her behavior is the new norm for your marriage. Most 'professionals' will tell you that you must accept - crap! Be strong, stop the monster from coming alive and move on.

 

Sorry it was so long winded, but your post just intrigued me today. Have a good one, and I expect a ton of flames - so bring them on. ;0-)

WhiteHair (Phil)

[mark clemson]

Yeah, CONSENT is a big deal with anything sexual. This works both ways (male and female) and you should point that out to her.

 

Women sometime have indirect communication styles and this sounds like a way of "letting you know" she wants to go a lot kinkier etc without having to have the face to face conversation about it. But in fact the face to face discussion, setting of parameters, expectations, boundaries, and "hard and soft limits" (look those terms up if you're not familiar with them) are probably the most important part of doing any of this. "Anything goes"/"can't say no" is well-understood to genuinely be a recipe for disaster. And generally so is unilaterally opening up a marriage.

 

Believe you need to have some serious but friendly sit-down conversations with your wife. Although she has done something wrong (in how she approached this) I wouldn't take that tack when discussing it. Consider explaining how you'd like to explore (at least some of) this but right now you need to ease yourself into feeling comfortable. Consider setting her up to understand that you may or may not feel comfortable with some of what she wants. Reasonable compromises are a part of any successful marriage (although if the couples' ideas of what is "reasonable" is too different, that can certainly lead to problems.)

 

If it were me, I would consider looking up a marriage counselor who genuinely specializes in sexual issues, esp. if the conversations don't go well. "Kink positive" is probably something to look for with this. This isn't to "fix" anything per, but to help make sure the conversations go well and all the various things needing consideration are actually looked at.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 minutes ago, WhiteHair said:

 

 

Sorry it was so long winded, but your post just intrigued me today. Have a good one, and I expect a ton of flames - so bring them on. ;0-)

WhiteHair (Phil)

 

I don't think you will get flamed :).  Welcome!

[WhiteHair]

4 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

 

I don't think you will get flamed :).  Welcome!

 

Why thank you, CO! You are most kind. I am sometimes very hesitant to reply to posts due to the lack of civility on most forums. I think I may like it here.

To W&C above, keep thinking and considering your feelings. You know best what makes sense for you - you just have to be willing to face it. Being afraid or confused is usually the result of not liking what we know already is going to happen. Be strong!

[Ellener]

The sex counsellor idea is good, help you work out a mutually acceptable and enjoyable fantasy version of her interest? 

[schlumpy]

This is your call and your call alone. All I can tell you is what I would do if my wife presented me with this problem. I agree with other posters you have to draw a firm line in the sand. I imagine she is seriously eroded your trust in her and that's a marriage killer all by it's lonesome. You will be seeing any unexplained action by her as related to a tryst.

 

I think you should get a lawyer to prepare a set of divorce papers for you, show them to her and let it be know that if this nonsense doesn't stop you will be filing. If whatever is compelling her to take this path is compelling, she likely will do it anyway.

 

Use the time to prepare.

 

 

[elaine567]

Did you know or suspect your wife was bisexual prior to this?

[Brennan72]

Yikes, this isn't good

 

While lots of guys fantasize about threesomes (strangely enough, I never did), and might jump at the opportunity, it rarely turns out well, and usually leads to more extreme experiences, infidelity, and breakups

 

How long have you been married? This stuff never came up before?

 

While some bisexual women are able to navigate marriages, most research has indicated they have a higher divorce rate and high marital unhappiness rate (and the divorce rate among lesbians is three times higher than that for gay men --go figure!). You won't be able to satisfy all the desires she has with your anatomy, and that is just a fact. her being all coy and playful about sleeping with someone else doesn't change anything

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Brennan72 said:

While lots of guys fantasize about threesomes (strangely enough, I never did), and might jump at the opportunity, it rarely turns out well, and usually leads to more extreme experiences, infidelity, and breakups

 

His wife is not offering a threesome.
This is about her hooking up with another woman.
Not every liaison needs a penis or is about the man...

[elaine567]

This is about opening up the marriage and when one sided like here, it is usually in response to one partner who is already playing away or who wants to play away with someone they have already  lined up. They want a "pass" to legitimise it.
As the OP does not want this then if he agrees t "keep" her, then he will be in a "forced" open marriage, which is a horrible place to be in.
 

[Brennan72]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 

His wife is not offering a threesome.
This is about her hooking up with another woman.
Not every liaison needs a penis or is about the man...

it sounds like the "gift certificate" can be used for either a hookup by one of them, or involving both (that's how I read it--it isn't altogether clear)

 

and it was pretty clear by the second part of my post that I was talking about two women 

[Poutrew]

Sir, you are caught literally between a rock and a hard place.  I have personally walked away from three potential relationships when the female eventually lets slip they have had a bisex past.   Unfortunately, there is no way you are going to stop her. It's the way her brain is wired - she doesn't think it is a problem, and there is a growing resentment setting in towards you because she sees you as stopping her from having what she wants. From your point of view, think of it like an incurable disease or a drug addiction.  She has already laid down the law to you on this... she wants  to get into the other woman' knickers if she hasn't done so already. At the least, the trust is gone. How can you ever be sure she will remain faithful from this point on? Say she goes shopping on a Saturday and comes back home with only a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk after being gone all day - you are going to be wondering where she has spent all that time... you go from husband to prison guard.  If this were my problem, I would be introducing her to another type of 'certificate' - a divorce decree... 

[Worried and Confused]

I must say I'm a little surprised and worried about some of the replies.  I never for a moment considered leaving my wife for this.  I don't understand the thought process of leaving for something she might do.
To clear up a couple of miscommunications, my wife is not just looking to be with another woman, if it was that easy it wouldn't be so much of an issue. The gift certificate offered the woman as option 1 in order to appease me, her preference however is apparently for a couple where she is with the man and I with the woman. So the idea that I am anatomically unable to meet her needs isn't the issue here.
We have been together 11 years, married for 7 and besides a rather awkward very brief encounter we have never done anything other than discuss this sort of thing as fantasies. The encounter was basically a drunken kiss between her and a random girl at a party which I was then invited into.  It lasted less than a minute before her boyfriend came and wanted to fight. Neither of us had any idea about the boyfriend or it would not have happened. We both acknowledged after that incident that it would have been a mistake.
I guess I've been given a bit to think about.  I'm not sure what answer I was expecting but it sure wasn't to get the divorce proceedings underway.
FWIW we have discussed it some more and whilst she still acknowledges she wants to go ahead with this she says it's just a natural extension of our fantasies. She has also said that she would not push it, she would never want me to do anything I didn't want to do. 
On a purely hedonistic note, we did facebook stalk this woman she met and she is stunning. I can see what my wife saw in her. NOT that it makes any difference to my decisions. 
At the end of the day my wife has pretty much said she wants to swing.  That's not the words she is using but that is what she's suggesting. As stupid as this may sound I would feel a little guilty denying my wife some of her desires given she has granted so many of mine. I'm not going to change my mind just because of that but it has given me food for thought.  
Thanks for reading. And yes I know I'm a bit wishy-washy, my thoughts are jumbled and I'm worried that I may no longer have a marriage to speak of.

[schlumpy]

You are not going to solve this intellectually. Deep conversations with your wife that acknowledge the legitimacy of her needs is not going to get you where you want to go. So you either change your mind and get with her program or you draw the line and show her the consequences. These are compelling emotions she is experiencing and she will end up sampling her fantasy with  or without you.

In my opinion, if you do not accede to her desires your marriage is on borrowed time and if you do accede it will likely be the same. Your only leverage to stop this is the threat of consequences.

She's not he same woman you married. She's changed and you haven't gone with her. It happens.

Good luck