Father died, Sister showed true colors.

[jeff0011]

I am 40, sister 52.

 

This November my father passed away. He was 87.

 

A little background:

 

My sister is married to and alcoholic/drug addict for 20 years.  EVERY SINGLE DAY for past several years she would call to tell me how he disappeared again. How they are on their last dollar. How he lied with crazy stories etc.    I live across the country and after a while could only tell her to get a divorce.  Never once did my sister offer to help my dad, go see him, etc. She was way too caught up in trying to catch her husband in lies every single day, all day and night. 

 

My father was wise, and knew this man. He decided not to leave my sister anything. The guy went through my sisters money, his dads money, hiss boss, neighbors, everyone.  I was left to split inheritance with his girlfriend of 20 years who largely took care of him.

 

She shows up to help arrange the funeral. And immediately starts with "Where are the assets! Where is the will!"  Very angrily. Before that, when I told her that dad died on the phone she said "this might be good timing as we are getting evicted end of this month for not paying mortgage for 3 months". Which really enraged me.

 

She then read the will and saw she was cut out of it. She said she would not attend funeral. Swearing. yelling etc. 

 

She then shows up to funeral, and in front of my 8 year old son says "You are an alcoholic!  You are divorced.. Your wife cheated on you!"  Then says "Me or my 15 yr old son will not help carry the casket!!"  The reality is I don't even drink, and everything she is saying are lies, and even in front of my son.

 

Now recently she calls my Dad's girlfriend to tell her "You know my husband works every day and is a great man!  It is Dad's son who is an alcoholic!!!" She is blaming me for being cut out of the will. 

 

My dads girlfriend called to tell me this, which still enrages me.  

 

Should I write my sister an email or text to lay it all out for her? Just forget her and move on?  

 

Is that really my sister? Is that whom she became from being married to an alcoholic for 20 years?

[alphamale]

it's not worth the stress and aggravation, just forget her and move on.  she is not your sister anymore

[The Outlaw]

Not necessarily. What was she like before she married him? 

[Art_Critic]

I'm afraid there is no coming back from all that has just happened, time to cut ties with her for good.

She is just too toxic and it will never be a type of relationship ever again that isn't toxic.

Sorry...

 

[jeff0011]

6 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

Not necessarily. What was she like before she married him? 

She was a bit older so I don’t really know. She moved out when I was 8 years old.  
 

I do know that for the last 10 years she called daily to tell me the crazy stories her husband tells her.   I would tell her about my son, she would talk about her son.  Random small talk. 
 

She had not one bit of caring that my father died.  None for his 85 yr old gf whom is now alone.  Zero for me.  She was strictly concerned about what she can acquire and when.  
 

Part of me wants to really tear into her.  And part of me is saying just forget it.  
 

This pst year I spent 35k to win a child custody case.   And still sent my father money for things he needed.   Not much but about 1500. I sent my sister’s son money to get a suit for homecoming as he has no clothing.  And she has the nerve to tear into me? 

 

[The Outlaw]

Just now, jeff0011 said:

She was a bit older so I don’t really know. She moved out when I was 8 years old.  
 

I do know that for the last 10 years she called daily to tell me the crazy stories her husband tells her.   I would tell her about my son, she would talk about her son.  Random small talk. 
 

She had not one bit of caring that my father died.  None for his 85 yr old gf whom is now alone.  Zero for me.  She was strictly concerned about what she can acquire and when.  
 

Part of me wants to really tear into her.  And part of me is saying just forget it.  
 

This pst year I spent 35k to win a child custody case.   And still sent my father money for things he needed.   Not much but about 1500. I sent my sister’s son money to get a suit for homecoming as he has no clothing.  And she has the nerve to tear into me? 

 

In this case, just forget her. She's entitled to nothing since she walked away and made it all about her. You can send her a text or call her, but it won't make that much of a difference. I'm sorry about all this but it's just best to move on with your own life. 

[alphamale]

i'm sure she will try to threaten you at some point in time, if she does you need to call the police and document it in a report.  

[Happy Lemming]

Similar to other posters, I would suggest you cut ties...

 

I haven't talked to my sister in over 25 years and have no desire to.  My life is that much better that I don't have to deal with her and yours will be, as well. 

 

The fact that your sister used a funeral to make a scene and berate you, just shows (her true colors, as you put it).  Don't make excuses for her, she had free will and verbally attacked you.  Although her husband may be an influence on her actions, she made the conscious choice to act like a child who didn't get her way.

Edited December 26, 2019 by Happy Lemming
punctuation

[Watercolors]

I wouldn't text, email, or call your sister to tear into her. She can print off your email or text, or record your phone call or voicemail and then give it to police and make the claim that you are harassing her. She sounds like she's emotionally unstable. She chose to marry that guy who is an alcoholic/drug addict so he is her financial burden - not yours or your dad's girlfriend's. 

 

This is an unfortunate situation since your nephew is probably a good kid (presumably). If you still want to stay in touch with her son, your nephew, do so but just ignore your sister's rants and raves and threats. 

[Rockdad]

You can't choose your family but you sure can fire them. All to often your general scenario is far to common. Family fights over money or possessions when a death occurs.  It was your fathers money and he chose not to leave her anything for his reasons though she doesn't want to except that. It's sad when a family member is of poor character and behavior and there is nothing you can do to change or help that. If a family member is so toxic and vitriol fire them and don't be poisoned by them. 

 

 

 

[jeff0011]

I think for years, most of our relationship was her calling and texting me daily, telling me about how much she hates her husband for lying, not working, drinking, getting DUI's, disappearing, cheating, eviction notices, him stealing money from his 15 yr old son  etc. 

 

The second my father passed away, for whatever reason, the entire story changed. "he is hard working, just low on hours, works constantly!". I'm not sure why. Perhaps she wants to be looked at as a good candidate for an inheritance? She also thinks I told my father her stories. Which I never did as it would have just hurt and bothered him. He was smart enough to figure out himself what my sisters life was like.  I never asked or inquired about a will, or what I will inherit. 

 

So without entertaining her daily and constant drama, we truly have nothing to talk about anyway.  I live in a different city, e have a different lifestyle, my son is excelling, and I cant even comprehend how she chooses to live the way she does.

 

Secondly, she showed she had ZERO feelings for anyone but herself. She just wanted money/ 

 

Third, she went off on me, screaming lies in front of my 8 year old son. Twice.   And now, 3 weeks later, trying to tell me dad's girlfriend of 20 years bad things about me.  Perhaps thinking she will be handed money? 

 

Whatever the case, I think the advice given is good. There is no point to try and "win" some argument with her. Sometimes it just hits me for a second that both my parents are gone, and now my sister is too. 

 

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

She made her bed, it is what it is.

[Watercolors]

On 12/26/2019 at 9:17 PM, jeff0011 said:

Whatever the case, I think the advice given is good. There is no point to try and "win" some argument with her. Sometimes it just hits me for a second that both my parents are gone, and now my sister is too.

I'm really sorry that you have to experience sibling estrangement like this with your sister and lose out on developing a relationship with her son - your nephew. And I'm sorry that both of your parents are gone. That has to be so hard. Do you have a counselor you see at all? Or a support group you can go to? I think you need to seek out support resources for yourself right now. Having other people to talk to, and problem-solve with who are in your shoes, will keep you grounded and give you guidance and emotional support when you need somewhere to turn during the really tough days. 

[PinkFlamingo]

I'm personally always for transparency and don't they say sunlight is the best disinfectant? I would write a very detailed email or letter (make a copy in this case) and get anything off your chest. Document what has happened so far, write down your point of view, describe the actions of your sister in detail, every single insult, date and location, name witnesses, list every little thing you have done for her, tell her how her actions over time have come across and what impact they had on you and your dad, be clear and precise, make bullet points, explain why you will not have further contact with her. And then send it to her. File the letter or email and should ever anybody show up and bother you with the old stories, drag it up and show it to them.

[Brennan72]

When did your father draw up the will? Was it recently?

It is possible for your sister to contest the will on the grounds of "undue influence", but is is very difficult. If he drew up the document in the last couple years, she can claim he was senile. But if the will was drawn up 20 years ago, she won't have any grounds to contest.

The only exception to that is if you live in Louisiana. The laws are different there.

[Mr. Lucky]

On 12/26/2019 at 6:03 AM, jeff0011 said:

Part of me wants to really tear into her.

Having seen her in action, do you think your letter/email to her is going to change her mind?

Let it go, live your life.  Honor you Dad by enjoying the inheritance...

Mr. Lucky

[Daisydooks]

To be honest, I wouldnt contact her. It may enrage her more not to engage her, but who knows. If she lives across the country, what risk does she pose? I say move on as best you can and ignore any and all contact from here on out. 

[jeff0011]

18 hours ago, Brennan72 said:

When did your father draw up the will? Was it recently?

It is possible for your sister to contest the will on the grounds of "undue influence", but is is very difficult. If he drew up the document in the last couple years, she can claim he was senile. But if the will was drawn up 20 years ago, she won't have any grounds to contest.

The only exception to that is if you live in Louisiana. The laws are different there.

The will was written up years ago.  My father was always of sound mind up until his death. 
 

The funny part is that in the will, all that was given to me was tools and his old car.  He left me and his girlfriend cd’s and ira’s that were substantial. 
 

So my sister is that bent out of shape because of some old tools and an old car   She doesn’t even know about the money.  
 

I also found out that when my dad was alive she would visit maybe once a year, and he would give her lots of things. Things she turned around and sold at garage sales.   She never told me this.  Not that I would care.  But it also seems sneaky.  
 

she now recently called my dads girlfriend to tell her that I am the one who drinks.  And her husband is working sooo hard.  My dads girlfriend clearly doesn’t believe any of this, nor would it matter at all anyway.  She also wants nothing to do with my sister.  She claims she was “cut out of the will” because I must have talked bad about her husband lol. 
 

in reality her husband has 4 dui’s and almost killed people years ago drunk driving into a head on collision. My dad knew if this as he had to help her then.  
 

My father never forgot the first time he met her husband.  There was a small tree in the yard and my dad said something like “I would like to cut that down one day”.  And her husband replied “well I could help but it would cost you”. 
 

He never forgot that.  My sister would stick up for her husband and say “well it would be gas money to drive to dads house, and an hour of time”. (She lives ten minutes away)

That is her mindset    So I don’t think I could ever change it  

 

 

 

[Gr8fuln2020]

Man. I just shake my head to think how so many ostracize or break off from family. I am very close to my siblings, though recent stressors are becoming more evident. Poor decisions, lending money, dysfunctional relationships, and an obligation to help, makes it difficult and adds to an already busy life. I am with others...disengage. BLOOD is thicker than WATER. Keep good people around you, so bad family, toxic, let them (her) go until there is sign of some rehabilitation on her part. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

13 hours ago, jeff0011 said:

The funny part is that in the will, all that was given to me was tools and his old car.  He left me and his girlfriend cd’s and ira’s that were substantial. 

He left you financial assets outside the scope of the will?  You might want to avail yourself of some legal advice...

Mr. Lucky

[fromheart]

Been through all of this and much more when my dad died.  What makes bereavement worse, is when people act like this.  Death brings the parasites to the surface.

Remain as calm as possible, block your sister completely.  I know its hard, I've had to do this with a childhood friend.  Alcoholics have to go form your life.  I told him, you talk to me when you get help, I don't want to hear from you until you do.

I'll either hear from him when he's better, or hear about him when he's dead.   

An alcoholic is a human parasite, they just feed off of people.  The loving, sympathetic thing to do is block them.

[jeff0011]

2 hours ago, fromheart said:

Been through all of this and much more when my dad died.  What makes bereavement worse, is when people act like this.  Death brings the parasites to the surface.

Remain as calm as possible, block your sister completely.  I know its hard, I've had to do this with a childhood friend.  Alcoholics have to go form your life.  I told him, you talk to me when you get help, I don't want to hear from you until you do.

I'll either hear from him when he's better, or hear about him when he's dead.   

An alcoholic is a human parasite, they just feed off of people.  The loving, sympathetic thing to do is block them.

Yes. This sums up her husband 100 %.  
 

What surprised me was that my sister would call me daily to tell me all the horrible and outrageous stories daily about him for years, yet then turn on a dime and pretend like she never said anything.  I think she is the ultimate enabler. 

if she reaches out I would tell her something like this. .  “If you ever leave him, or get your life in order let me know”. 

 

 

 

[Watercolors]

7 hours ago, jeff0011 said:

What surprised me was that my sister would call me daily to tell me all the horrible and outrageous stories daily about him for years, yet then turn on a dime and pretend like she never said anything.  I think she is the ultimate enabler. 

if she reaches out I would tell her something like this. .  “If you ever leave him, or get your life in order let me know”. 

I wonder if your sister is addicted to being an 'enabler' of her alcoholic husband. Enablers tend to have codependent personalities. 

Maybe your sister could use support herself, to break free of her codependency to her toxic husband. Clearly, he IS toxic if he has an addiction that he refuses to seek treatment for. Has your sister ever sought help or support for her enabling? 

I wonder if she called you to regale you so you would give her emotional support, thereby enabling her to enable her alcoholic husband. Maybe now that you have withdrawn that emotional support after your father died, she will be confronted with the cold, hard, truth; that she has to fix herself first, if she wants to get away from her alcoholic husband. Does she even care that this has probably messed up her son as well -- raising him in an alcoholic environment with an abusive father means he will likely become the same way as his father. That's really unfortunate if it does happen. 

[jeff0011]

53 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I wonder if she called you to regale you so you would give her emotional support, thereby enabling her to enable her alcoholic husband. Maybe now that you have withdrawn that emotional support after your father died, she will be confronted with the cold, hard, truth; that she has to fix herself first, if she wants to get away from her alcoholic husband. Does she even care that this has probably messed up her son as well -- raising him in an alcoholic environment with an abusive father means he will likely become the same way as his father. That's really unfortunate if it does happen

 

she has no clue about such terms.  “Enabling” “co dependent” etc.     She is basically isolated in a 700 sq ft house with no friends, no money, her husband and 15 yr old. 

During all of her daily stories I would tell her “your husband is a loser.  It will just get worse”. She would totally agree with me.  And call me the next day “you won’t believe what he did now!”

Her husband, in 15 years, never one time even drive his son anywhere.  Always too drunk.  Never spent time with him.  And her son is quite withdrawn. 
 

it just seemed like an overnight reversal once my dad died   I am “the bad guy”, and she has a wonderful husband  

 

 

 

[Watercolors]

Wow, sounds like your sister is in deep denial about her problems. You've probably done everything humanly possible to encourage her to seek help but she's chosen to withdraw and do nothing. That's really too bad jeff. Sorry to hear that.