What got the affair ball rolling?

[pepperbird]

Lots of times there is an assumption that if a man gets into an affair, it's because his wife isn't giving him what he needs at home. If it;s the wife who is wandering, some assume it's because of more emotional reasons.  I'm not so sure that's always the case. If you are a WS or a BS, what do you feel was at the root of the affair in your situation? Was it really as simple as a lack of sex? I'm specifically asking BS/WS , as they would have first hand knowledge of their own situation.

[mark clemson]

I think you're absolutely right, there will be variance and some men will do things for emotional reasons and some women for physical/sexual ones. Also no doubt some are getting very reasonable emotional connection/attention AND sex but just want more because of a personality issue or simply because they think they can get it.

[DKT3]

My wife and I both post here, and while we've both somewhat touched on her whys here, neither has fully explained. 

 

At 15 I had a child with an older girl 19. She wasnt exactly what one would consider a relationship girl. When he was 2 his mom got into trouble due to her drug addiction.  This was shortly after I started dating my wife.  His mom was in and out of trouble over the next several years. 

 

Skipping ahead, I started the process to get full custody,  at this point she informed me I was actually not the father,  DNA testing proved her correct.  However,  to this day I'm listed on his birth certificate. 

 

Again skipping ahead, wife is now pregnant with our daughter we have a son together and my son with this other woman. His mom finally got it together,  was clean several years,  working and wanting him back.  After doing the legal research and talking with countless attorneys its becoming clear we are going to lose, mainly based on the fact that I'm not his biological father.  Rather than put him through that his mom and I come up with a plan to slowly make the transition.  My wife is furious,  thought me a coward and giving him up. She had grown very attached and  was really the only mother he knew.  

 

The resentment of this, coupled with my travel for work had her questioning if she wanted to stay married.  Enter her affair.  

[RecentChange]

Both my husband and I have had brief affairs.

 

Lack of sex was not the issue. We have always had an active sex life.

 

For us, I would say it was a lack of "tending to the garden" that is a relationship.

 

When my husband cheated, it was a cumulation of things. He was struggling with depression, his father had just died in a fairly terrible way and he was feeling with guilt, meaning of life, things like that. 

 

I hadn't been doing what I should have been doing when it came to supporting him emotionally, etc. I had a tendency to play devil's advocate rather than be a cheer leader when he shared his dreams. I was the stick in the mud and his OW was the fresh new - escape from his reality. 

 

When I cheated....  I felt like I was in a rut. I felt like I was under appreciated for everything I had been doing to keep our lives afloat. I honestly felt a bit starved for attention, and when I started getting noticed in a way that I hadn't for years - I took the bait. 

 

I had been through his cheating, I had been understanding through it all, I supported him and forgave mistakes - and I felt entitled. I felt like I had a license to cheat - at least ifI kept it within certain perimeters. 

 

So no, it wasn't about a lack of sex. But it was about a lack of attention essentially. 

[Pleasant-Sage]

Ex-wife developed an emotional affair to a life long friend of hers because I wasn't a good listener. I don't believe sex was really a part of that equation.

[2.50 a gallon]

My Ex-wife and I lasted a mere 6 months.  I was devastated at the break up.  However, prior to our break up she had mentioned at a party with my co-workers that I liked sharing oral.   After the break up I was not eating well and a couple of my female co-workers took it upon themselves to bring extras for sharing with me at lunch.  They both had husbands that were flat jerks. 

One was totally into golf.  Most weekends, he was gone golfing.  He made enough money that he could afford to weekly take trips out of town to golf around the country.  Thus my good looking co-worker was also in a bad marriage.   She wanted to divorce him, however she had two sons , one in high school, and another a couple of years behind.  Both of whom were doing great.  They liked their friends and were making great grades.  If she choose to separate and file for divorce, it was inevitable that the boys would have to relocate.  And she feared the worst so choose to stay in the bad marriage until they moved onto college.

Over lunch the subject had turned to sex a couple of times, and I confirmed that I liked oral.  She had never had oral, wanted to experience it and had no hope of receiving from her husband.  So when the time was right we went at it. 

There were two other co-workers with similar stories and ended up joining the party. 

[K.K.]

2 hours ago, 2.50 a gallon said:

 

Over lunch the subject had turned to sex a couple of times, and I confirmed that I liked oral.  She had never had oral, wanted to experience it and had no hope of receiving from her husband.  So when the time was right we went at it. 

There were two other co-workers with similar stories and ended up joining the party. 

 

Don’t ya just hate it when that happens. 

 

🥴

[jah526]

15 hours ago, K.K. said:

 

Don’t ya just hate it when that happens. 

 

🥴

Oh, the things that go on under the breakroom table...

[Bittersweetie]

In my situation, I expected my husband to make me happy. And when he wasn't, I convinced myself that I deserved (through all of the sacrifices I thought I'd made over the years) to "fill in the gaps" with someone else. 

After d-day and a lot of therapy and self-reflection, I realized the only person responsible for my happiness is myself. Other people and things can enhance it; but when it comes down to it, it's on me. And since that realization I've been much happier in general.

Another aspect is that my H and I didn't truly discuss the relationship issues bothering us with each other, we were conflict-avoidant. After d-day, not only did we talk about the affair, we talked through everything in our marriage. Now I turn toward my H instead of away and it's made us much stronger together.

[Starswillshine]

We had a good marriage. We had a very healthy sex life. I was the more adventurous one, he held back.

The biggest problem that led to the affair? I was his wife. I was the one who shared responsibility with him. I had responsibilities to our family. I was unable to travel with him every week as he went all over for work. I had 4 children to take care of while he stayed out until 4am, drinking in random cities. 

 

Was our marriage perfect? Of course not, none of them are. But it was pretty darn good. He just had an ego that needed to be constantly fed, and in his mind, what I didnt know wouldnt hurt me. A girl in every city he frequented. Some he told he was divorced. A few he told he was married. 

 

Then the cards all came crashing down. And I divorced his sorry rear. Still, he begs for another shot. Though we have been divorced for sometime, he has recently told me he would marry me the next day if I would allow it. Nah, I removed myself from that situation and it almost killed me. No way will I ever sign myself back up for that sort of abuse again. 

[mark clemson]

This is OT, but I think there's some insight in your post SWS as to why sometimes people can't let go when dumped AND why WS's sometimes "come crawling back". Part of it may be in both cases that what happened (the rejection) goes against the script. They got rejected even though their ego is telling them that that should never happen. I think a certain percentage of folks just can't handle that. So they have a "need" to reconcile (or get back with the dumper) in part because being broken up with strikes a big blow to their ego. A blow they're desperate in some sense to repair by re-establishing the ended R.

So - interesting post!

[Starswillshine]

Mark- I absolutely agree. 

 

I also have a theory that I was the one who made him look like the stable family guy. I gave him credit. We had the stereotypical white picket fence marriage. When everything came out, so did his dirty secrets and people realized he was not the man he pretended to be. My guess is if he can get me back, it might prove to everyone he is a change man. It is not about his love for me, he has no love for anyone but himself, but it is about his image. I served a purpose. As did every woman who ever entered his life. But it was not one of true love. Never. He is not capable. 

[DKT3]

I also agree with Mark. 

No WS goes into an affair thinking they will be caught.  So when they get caught it's hard for the ego to accept that they got caught and subsequently rejected by this person that they dont really respect all that much.

[schlumpy]

20 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Mark- I absolutely agree. 

 

I also have a theory that I was the one who made him look like the stable family guy. I gave him credit. We had the stereotypical white picket fence marriage. When everything came out, so did his dirty secrets and people realized he was not the man he pretended to be. My guess is if he can get me back, it might prove to everyone he is a change man. It is not about his love for me, he has no love for anyone but himself, but it is about his image. I served a purpose. As did every woman who ever entered his life. But it was not one of true love. Never. He is not capable. 

Very good analysis. 

[Angelflower]

My ex was more interested in drinking, doing drugs and having "fun" with his buddies than he was in his wife and two babies. It's as simple as that.

In my 20's when I was married my exH slept with almost all the women in the small rural town that we lived in. He use to leave me at home with no food, money, transportation or wood for the woodstove on paydays. I was a good old fashion traditional type wife. Clearly I wasn't enough for him. I was young and very inexperienced but willing to explore. Sex with him was the most boring of all... seriously... it was wham bam... thank you mam... roll over and snore some more. I was never satisfied. I use to get up and go for long walks afterwards because I was so frustrated. lol... but I didn't have the A. He was the cheater! I did MC and IC and all that type of stuff. A few years after my daughter was born my doctor gave me a prescription for a divorce. He said my husband was killing me slowly. 

It's been over 30 years now... In looking back I am not sure that there was anything that I could of done differently with the exception of maybe divorcing him sooner. 

[Caauug]

BS here. Reason: Power/Control

We were brought up with different views with money. My parents went though the great depression so that was passed on to me. Her parents were much younger and had an "Easy come, easy go" and just borrow the money attitude. I was the "Handbrake" in the relationship, I wanted to pay the mortgage off asap as it was costing us in interest. She wanted her fur coats and flash cars. She found out she could spend money (loans also) without my permission and I just had to "Suck it up and shut up". This progressed into other parts of her life, money was the first topic I noticed but is not the only example of the power struggle. She found out she could root who ever she wanted and not tell me, also a form of power. D-Day and it all came crashing down, shortly after she played her last little bit power she could by saying I was not worth the effort to patch things up. With a lot of hurt and anger (Hate) the battle was on and I played as dirty as I could in the separation agreement negations. She backed down and signed when the gilt card was played. 

She kept her power/control but lost 10 yrs of married life with me and close to that in house payments. She kept her flash car (with loan), a few items from the house and 1/4 of a year of my income. 

[pepperbird]

On 12/31/2019 at 11:44 AM, Starswillshine said:

We had a good marriage. We had a very healthy sex life. I was the more adventurous one, he held back.

The biggest problem that led to the affair? I was his wife. I was the one who shared responsibility with him. I had responsibilities to our family. I was unable to travel with him every week as he went all over for work. I had 4 children to take care of while he stayed out until 4am, drinking in random cities. 

 

Was our marriage perfect? Of course not, none of them are. But it was pretty darn good. He just had an ego that needed to be constantly fed, and in his mind, what I didnt know wouldnt hurt me. A girl in every city he frequented. Some he told he was divorced. A few he told he was married. 

 

Then the cards all came crashing down. And I divorced his sorry rear. Still, he begs for another shot. Though we have been divorced for sometime, he has recently told me he would marry me the next day if I would allow it. Nah, I removed myself from that situation and it almost killed me. No way will I ever sign myself back up for that sort of abuse again. 

I 100 percent agree with you. His treatment of you was abusive.In my opinion, all affairs are a form of abuse. They siphon away time, money and emotion. To me, they are also abusive to an unknowing ow/om. It must be awful to get attached to someone, fall in love and then find that out.

Edited January 4, 2020 by pepperbird

[Georgevanberger]

For me it was kinda like we just grew apart. She was less and less interested in sex. I tried, I really tried.  I even went to MC with her but she was very dismissive and thought there was no issue. I'm a man, I'm a sexual man and love sex. She was that way.  I love her and didn't want to fall in love with another woman. We've been married over 33 years now.  Well I started with the Asian massage parlors.  Then is was more and more.  I went to various parlors as to not get hooked on any particular girl.  The wife had no idea.m I felt really bad, and it tortured me but I justified it.  I knew and know it was wrong but i blamed her.  So then i found a few sites online and started with escorts.  Some were absolutely awful some were just okay and some were incredible.  I still love my wife, we do so much together.  She would be devastated by my actions so I will take them to the grave.  Now this didn't just happen, it took place over the course of 5-6 years.  Some years we had sex 2-3 times. She would say, "it's who I am now, I sorry".  If and when I brought the subject up she would get angry so I just figured I'd drop it al together.  I did and do have feelings for one particular girl and we've become friends.  We don't have dinner or go on dates but it's coming.  I'm wrong, I'm sure I'll get 2X4's to the head here but for me this works.  Could my wife be having an affair?  I guess anything is possible.  I seriously doubt it but sure it's possible. I never checo her cel or use her laptop. It's hers and I merely don't care to check.  If she is, well I'd say good for her.  She still comes home to me every night, takes great care of me and the house, is an amazing mother.  If she is getting side action then I guess I'd be angry because I've wanted her for so long but I dunno.  So I guess some people simply lose the desire for each other.  Sorry I babbled all over the place......