deal with sadness of estranged brother.

[LLcL]

Hi,

I really just need a bit of support as I’m feeling very down at the moment and obsessing over things.

About ten years ago my brother married a woman who always seemed nice, however, over the past few years she’s changed so much and has completely destroyed our family. She persuaded my mum and dad to move up to where her and my brother live as she wanted to be closer to them. My mum and dad both insisted that they didn’t want to get in their way or intrude, but she was adamant that she wanted them to be closer to her. So after a while and after she helped them to look for a house they moved, and not long after she became pregnant. As soon as they moved she immediately changed her attitude towards them and didn’t want anything to do with them. She made it clear that she had no interest in having them around, and she no longer wanted to spend any time with my mum, who she used to spend a lot of time with. She then stopped my mum from looking after my nephew and was just generally really rude to us. I’m never sure if this has anything to do with her mum, as her mum has often said some quite strange things to my mum as she’s obviously jealous. She always used to add their surname onto the end of my nephews name as she couldn’t stand the fact that he had our family name, and on the night before my brothers wedding she went up to my mum and said this doesn’t mean they’re yours now, they’re still my family and just because they’re getting married it doesn’t mean anything.

My brothers wife has caused so much trouble over the past few years that we now have nothing to do with them, and I haven’t seen my nephew for three years. She makes things up about us all the time, she’s said things like at a family meal me and my mum were hiding behind menus and laughing about her and talking about her, she also said my dad is an alcoholic which is definitely not true.

I’m just feeling really sad today and almost just need to get everything off my chest as I hardly ever talk about it and sometimes I feel so sad and don’t know what we’ve done to deserve it.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Unfortunately, you cannot push culpability for your families actions onto her; sure, she may of suggested some things, but ultimately, your family acted on her suggestions and that was a mistake. As you can see, either way, she would of ended up causing an estranging to occur in dynamics.

 

The thing is, some people need to feel like the attention is always on them... Sometimes they create these ideas in their heads and try to breathe them to life with elaborate tales, but when you react negatively, all that happens is that you help her bring these fake issues to life. All you can do is let your presence represent you and when others see that what she is saying is not true, she will inevitably look the fool and anyone who actually buys what she is saying without any measure of proof or anything of the like is a fool themselves.

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

All you can do is let your presence represent you and when others see that what she is saying is not true, she will inevitably look the fool and anyone who actually buys what she is saying without any measure of proof or anything of the like is a fool themselves.

 

This happened to me just yesterday, I was introduced to people who have clearly been told I'm a terrible person, I literally watched it dawn in their eyes that what they have been told is exaggeration and untrue...then later when I walked in on their family being disrespectful of yet more people I told them I thought it was a horrible example for the young people who could hear all this bitching. The idea of inviting people to your home just to treat them with discourtesy and mockery later is unacceptable to me, and I said so very clearly so the kids could hear me. 

 

Don't see it as ruining your family, the rest of you still love each other, glad you can express your sadness and frustration here.

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I know this is so hurtful :(.  Something similar is happening in my family, but it has to do with atheism and mental illness more than anything.  It has destroyed the extended families and is so hard to watch.  In my case, my sister is suffering greatly because of my BIL's actions.  No real advice, just my empathy. It hurts :(. 

 

Disclaimer: I am not at all saying atheism is a mental illness.  They are two different things.

[LivingWaterPlease]

So sorry to read these posts.  Hugs to all with family dysfunctions. So many families are touched by them.

[LLcL]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I’ve held all of these feelings in for a couple of years now and sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode. It’s painful every single day, but this time of year is even more painful. I’m feeling extra nervous at the moment as we are currently preparing to visit my boyfriends family and he has a little niece and I find that very difficult as it makes me remember my nephew and how much I miss him. I’m really happy for my boyfriend as I can see that his niece brings him so much joy, but it just brings painful memories to me. I know this probably sounds awful, but it does!

[Ellener]

Being the best person you can be, and a happy person, and a responible caring one, that's the best gift to any child. I grew up in a difficult situation and those moments of joy and clarity from almost-strangers really released me from my family problems. I had one 'aunt' who I must chase up on, it's the first year I haven't heard from her at Christmas, and she's in her 90s now, she encouraged me so much. My mother told me ( as a small child ) don't go there, they don't need to be bothered by you...but I bothered them anyway, and was rewarded by seeing outside my own environment a little but also- a lifelong friendship.

 

Be in the moment with kids- for you and for them! Hope you have fun.

[LLcL]

18 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Unfortunately, you cannot push culpability for your families actions onto her; sure, she may of suggested some things, but ultimately, your family acted on her suggestions and that was a mistake. As you can see, either way, she would of ended up causing an estranging to occur in dynamics.

 

The thing is, some people need to feel like the attention is always on them... Sometimes they create these ideas in their heads and try to breathe them to life with elaborate tales, but when you react negatively, all that happens is that you help her bring these fake issues to life. All you can do is let your presence represent you and when others see that what she is saying is not true, she will inevitably look the fool and anyone who actually buys what she is saying without any measure of proof or anything of the like is a fool themselves.

So my family deserved this treatment because they acted on her suggestions?

[Watercolors]

On 12/26/2019 at 11:43 AM, LLcL said:

I’m just feeling really sad today and almost just need to get everything off my chest as I hardly ever talk about it and sometimes I feel so sad and don’t know what we’ve done to deserve it.

 

Family estrangement happens for so many reasons. I'm sorry that you haven't seen your brother or your nephew in three years, because of your sister in law's behavior. 

 

Your SIL sounds very self-centered for everything she's done to your parents and to your brother. But...your brother obviously loves her and your parents initially thought they were doing right by your brother and his wife and their young son, by moving closer to them. I hope your parents still have access to their grandson. Has she completely cut off contact with them? Does your brother ever intervene with his wife, and let your parents visit with their grandson? 

 

No, your family does not deserve all the slander that your SIL slings about them to the neighbors or whomever is dumb enough to listen to her. People are smart though. Eventually, they'll see her for who she really is and will either put her in her place, or ignore her and not let her suck them into her games. 

Does your brother blame you and your parents for the estrangement?  Has he cut off all contact from his son with you for the past three years? 

 

I don't blame you for feeling nervous visiting your boyfriend's family and his young niece. That could be very emotionally triggering for you. The best you can do is just move on with your life. And hope that some day, your brother will come around and apologize and reach out to you. Hey may never do that, unfortunately. Are you seeing a therapist? That may help you have someone to vent to every week, who can be a good resource for you. 

[Ellener]

On 12/26/2019 at 8:39 PM, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Disclaimer: I am not at all saying atheism is a mental illness.  They are two different things.

I've seen rabid atheism and rabid religion. They both look like mental illness at times. 

[mark clemson]

In case it helps LLcL, be aware that many families have at least some estrangement. It's much more prevalent than the shiny happy people you see on TV adds might suggest. I suspect it's actually pretty normal sad to say.

[2BGoodAgain]

she and her mom sounds very toxic.

unfortunately, your brother married into that family so... it's really on him to decide how this relationship will proceed; all you guys can do is control how much or how little, you interact with them.

the complication is that it is your brother n nephew there... it's tough..not an easy situation.

but honestly, stay away from toxic people... they ruin things. and people. 

[preraph]

It's really not up to  you to do anything here . This is all on your brother.  He's going along with it.  I wouldn't worry about not seeing a nephew if my own brother was the one making that possible.  Your parents could rent that home and move back and then sell it in a few years if they wanted to.  They're adults.  Stop worrying on their behalf.  You like to blame her and her family, but it's your brother who's doing it to YOUR family by both his actions and his inactions, so stop deflecting blame there.  And your parents raised him, so it all comes back around.