Springsummer Posted December 26, 2019 Share Posted December 26, 2019 (edited) So, I dropped a xmas gift on someone's desk in the workplace. I totally gave 2 xmas gift in the workplace. They were r managers of other teams and directorate. I developed a habit of having lunch with them lately. They gave me career advice dealing with my manager and director with regard to promotion. So I am thankful to them. There are nothing unusual to give someone gift at work, right? This particular manager and I have one hobbit in common which is skiing. He sounded elate and gave me all his numbers and suggest to ski together again. so I gave him mine as well. Then he started texting me frequently. I didn't know his status. I know he has two adult daughter. I don't ask and care people's status. He is probably in his mid to late 50? I am not sure. Now I definitely think he has no SO. otherwise, I don't believe anyone who has the time of the day and care to text to a colleague that much. Now, I am worry. Isn't that too much as colleague? did I do the wrong thing by sending gift? it seems there is no gifting culture in the workplace. I didn't send to my management or anyone of the team. I did that because again they gave me advice and we have had lunch together. what is he thinking? He is only someone who I am thankful for giving career advice and on my side in that matter. Should I be worry? or just think too much? If not, what should I do to get the message across without offending him? Thanks in advance. Edited December 26, 2019 by Springsummer Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted December 26, 2019 Share Posted December 26, 2019 Ya can never really be shore if someone has someone or not because if they after a bit on the side they're gonna act like they don't have someone. l dunno about gifts and things at work l don't work in that environment but he sounds like he's interested and wants to get to know you more and spend time with ya . lf your not interested in anything like that l think the safest way being a work and boss type thing would probably be something like just slowing your replies right down and gently backing away. like don't be too cold but don't be too warm and encouraging in any way either. lf he pops any invites or wanting to meet up outside of work l dunno , you could say something like thanks very much but you don't think that'd be a good idea or appropriate or something around those lines. l'd think that'd be a better bet than just pretending and beating about the bush trying to stay too polite or things would be read as still maybe a chance and drag on more and he might keep trying, being a boss situation best to gently but surely dong it on the head . Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted December 27, 2019 Share Posted December 27, 2019 You gave him a gift in the workplace and he seems interested in you. If you are not interested in him that way, you need to back off and avoid invites. If you are interested in him, then surely you need to find out if he is married or in a relationship? Getting involved with a married/attached colleague would be a bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Springsummer Posted December 27, 2019 Author Share Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) All I did was give a gift as a thank you for emotional support. I am trying to back off and decline invites. no sure how to keep distance without being rude. I am just trying to be polite and friendly. not replying to text is rude. he always has something to follow whatever I replied.I don't like to text at all. I regret giving him my number. Edited December 27, 2019 by Springsummer Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted December 27, 2019 Share Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) One time I gave a coworker a birthday gift. This man was at least 40 years older than me. I looked at him like a father figure! He was so sweet and special to me. We’d talk about life. Never anything out of the way. Anyway, I got him a box of Godiva chocolates that were shaped like little golfing items. The chocolates not the box. Little chocolate golf balls and whatever those uh ... other golf items are. You know ... golf stuff. So I’m all excited to bring them to him and I go running up to him and he turns around and I present them with a big smile on my face and I say Happy Birthday Bill !! ! And you know what he says ?? He says - “ You know I’m married, right? ? “ 40 years older than me! You know I’m married he says! My face was Like > 😯 and then > 🙄 and finally > 😖 It was then that I leaned my lesson. Never ever do anything nice for a man because even if they are older than dirt they will STILL MISTAKE KINDNESS FOR INTEREST. So in your case, lesson learned. Just try to be nice but stone faced and do the fadeee awwayyyy as gently and quickly as you can. Oh, and don't ever look them in the eyes. That’s interest ! Can’t have that. Edited December 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Springsummer Posted December 27, 2019 Author Share Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) Quote It was then that I leaned my lesson. Never ever do anything nice for a man because even if they are older than dirt they will STILL MISTAKE KINDNESS FOR INTEREST. Oh, Lord....can not believe this. Lesson learnt as well. I am trying my best to fade away now. Edited December 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 (edited) Highly possible. l use to find the same with my ex's mum or any of the older women family friends or rallies. l discovered had to be very careful about any compliments or attention, if l said or did anything even remotely nice they'd take it as me giving them attention and then really weird and off things would start happening from them . like once the mum was talking about aging and l said ahhh, your doing ok l think your pretty good for your age , name. Few days later and over the next few mths she's offering to show me her new swimwear , parading new clothes asking me what l think, if there was a few of the women family friends or rallies there there'd be whispering, flirting attempts, staring, going on whenever l was around- with my ex right there too this was. l'm thinking holy fk , l'm gonna stf up from now on , nothing nice, no attention , and def' no compliments, especially if my ex wasn't in the room . Edited December 28, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 Gifts in the workplace can be seen as really manipulative by other employees. The worst manipulator I knew in my career was a girl who buttered up the higher up men with gifts and compliments and fake idol worship. She was a lying nightmare. It's best to just not draw attention to yourself that way and something like baking cookies for the whole office is more appropriate than singling out anyone (except maybe your boss) for anything else. This 50 year old man is probably convinced you are desperately wanting to sleep with him, honestly. And I bet anyone would have a hard time convincing him otherwise, because this is something he and most men would NEVER do unless he was chasing someone romantically. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Springsummer Posted January 13, 2020 Author Share Posted January 13, 2020 (edited) sigh...you guys are so right. I regret I did not really firm enough. He was quite persistent with going skiing with me. I avoid a couple of times. last Thur I needed to go for night skiing after work because forecast said Fri. Sat. Sun will rain and ice pellet. so he texted me again about skiing, I thought it was not nice not to tell him I am going and said he can go to, because if he end up going and saw me there without telling him, that's not nice. then he asked what time I will be there. so I had to tell him. ..he waited there for me. I did not sat close to him. We were talkative....but I never really looked him in the eye. He talked about going to retire in a few months. His daughters gave birth. All cool. People can ski with other people, be ski buddies, right? Then Sat. he texted me if I would be interested in seeing a movie. That's when the ball dropped! there is no more pretense. I said I don't watch movie. you have fun. Holy smoke, what makes him think I would be interested in him? a retiree and grandpa? people generally think I am in my 30s when looking at me. All I ever really wanted was to be kind and nice, especially he gave me career advise and a book , I am a graceful person Are most people this dirty and disgusting? now my conclusion is there is no friendship between man and woman. Ever! People are so selfish, dirty and shameless. I wouldn't do the same if I were him. Edited January 13, 2020 by Springsummer Link to post Share on other sites
Author Springsummer Posted January 13, 2020 Author Share Posted January 13, 2020 Now I guess this other senior person who has been so nice to me most likely has the same dirty mind too. He never talked about /mentioned his gf and has a gf. Only the granpa above told me he lives with his gf. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 It is extremely rare that men only want friendship. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Springsummer Posted January 13, 2020 Author Share Posted January 13, 2020 I am really an idealistic, naive and wishful thinking person. but I just didn't know a person could be so persistent, so bold and shameless. why it was so hard for him to get a clue? I never really smile at him or look him in the eye. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Springsummer Posted January 13, 2020 Author Share Posted January 13, 2020 4 minutes ago, preraph said: It is extremely rare that men only want friendship. No matter their age and situation? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 Unless the firm culture is otherwise, gift giving goes down only not across or up. Meaning you gift to your subordinate not your superior. If the boss wants to go skiing, ask him when it would be convenient for him, his SO & you to go or ask if you can organize a company outing for anybody who wants to come. You need to make it clear that this will never be a date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 You can get a very bad reputation by being overly chummy with men at the office and gifting them and all that especially when you haven't been there too long. because even if you don't realize that other people in the office viewing is maybe you are sleeping with them and trying to get ahead that way or that even if your sleeping with him and not trying to get ahead that way that it will be unfair to them at some point because you will get special treatment. So it's not only the man in question you have to worry about but the entire office and the way they perceive it, and the way they perceive it is often correct. Everything is transparent in an office. You will find one day that people where you work or rarely true friends and will often distance themselves if you get in trouble or if you leave the company. The best approach at work is to be polite and professional and friendly to an extent, but not to get personal with people. Overtime you may form a working bond with people at work based on being professional and staying within your boundaries, but inviting men of all ages to go do big things with you is just asking for trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Springsummer Posted January 14, 2020 Author Share Posted January 14, 2020 11 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Unless the firm culture is otherwise, gift giving goes down only not across or up. Meaning you gift to your subordinate not your superior. If the boss wants to go skiing, ask him when it would be convenient for him, his SO & you to go or ask if you can organize a company outing for anybody who wants to come. You need to make it clear that this will never be a date. He and he are not my bosses. they are managers of different directorates. Different chain of command. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Springsummer Posted January 14, 2020 Author Share Posted January 14, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, preraph said: You can get a very bad reputation by being overly chummy with men at the office and gifting them and all that especially when you haven't been there too long. because even if you don't realize that other people in the office viewing is maybe you are sleeping with them and trying to get ahead that way or that even if your sleeping with him and not trying to get ahead that way that it will be unfair to them at some point because you will get special treatment. So it's not only the man in question you have to worry about but the entire office and the way they perceive it, and the way they perceive it is often correct. Everything is transparent in an office. You will find one day that people where you work or rarely true friends and will often distance themselves if you get in trouble or if you leave the company. The best approach at work is to be polite and professional and friendly to an extent, but not to get personal with people. Overtime you may form a working bond with people at work based on being professional and staying within your boundaries, but inviting men of all ages to go do big things with you is just asking for trouble. oh, please I am chummy with everyone who wants to be chummy with me.. I am chummy with women too. It's just that these two are very friendly to me. They are senior, but not high enough to just make a promotion decision by themselves. My director does, but I am not even chummy with him. In fact, I had a confrontation with him and that seems to work. If I really want to get ahead, I should be chummy with my director instead, but I am not. You got the wrong idea. I just want to be nice to people who are nice to me and on my side giving me some advice. oh, please that's disgusting to even talk of such thing so casually. I think you have no idea who I am. I grew up in a time and place where it was believed men and women should keep a distance from each other. I / we believe premarital sleeping is a sin. I may have met a couple of men in my life time that could potentially made me sin if they tried very hard. I didn't have spent enough time with those men... So, you got the idea that may make your jaw dropped. so yes, don't use that word. It's very disgusting and insulting to me. I know you didn't mean to, but you had no idea. I am a very righteous and serious person, especially in that area, even though I am physically normal. Did I post on this forum that I have never flirted in my life? flirting is synonymous with lose. " The best approach at work is to be polite and professional and friendly to an extent, but not to get personal with people. " - Great advice. Need to keep that in mine. Edited January 14, 2020 by Springsummer Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 On 12/26/2019 at 8:45 PM, K.K. said: It was then that I leaned my lesson. Never ever do anything nice for a man because even if they are older than dirt they will STILL MISTAKE KINDNESS FOR INTEREST. Don't get too jaded KK. There are still many men who know the difference. I think you can put it down to the atmosphere that's been created in the last thirty years where men are not very hesitate to interact with women in the workplace. I understand that some women suffered in the past from sexual harassment but many times the cure is worse then the disease. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 Go ahead and ignore the fact that you're on here because you already know you made a mistake and got yourself in a very awkward situation at work. I don't know why you find it necessary to tell me how innocent and righteous you are, but if that's true it is precisely that that's going to get you in trouble because no one else thinks that way, especially men when a woman is showing them special attention. You have boundary issues at work. They have already caused you problems and that's why you came here to begin with so I don't know why you're in denial about it now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 Unless you get thrown into one of those "Secret Santa" (draw a name out of a hat situations), you never ever give a co-worker a gift. For the record, I hated those "Secret Santa" gift exchanges at work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 14, 2020 Share Posted January 14, 2020 Right, because it's favoritism and everybody notices it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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