And The Gaslighting Continues (Rant)

[OatsAndHall]

I have been separated and divorced for going on five years now. In my marriage, I had three stepsons who I was close to. When her old/new boyfriend/now husband moved into the house right after the divorce agreement was signed, she stopped allowing me to see the boys. I accepted this as there was nothing I could do about it legally and I knew better than to try and reason with her. Since then, I have been sending birthday and Christmas cards to them every year. I just received this email:

 

"I know that I have asked you this before but please stop trying to contact the boys. What you send goes straight in the trash. You choose to leave and now you're no longer a part of their lives. Please stop. Thank you.

 

 

Yes, I left, because she was "went into business" with her ex boyfriend/new husband and then stated she was going to leave me. No, she has never contacted me and asked me to contacting the boys. Had she told me she was throwing hem away, I never would've have wasted my time. And, literally, I the only "contact" I have had was sending them those cards!!

 

I am so friggin' angry right now... Five years later and she is STILL gaslighting me.  They were birthday and Christmas card!! Nothing more and nothing less!!

[mark clemson]

You're clinging to a memory O&H. No doubt it feels very cruel in a way that someone you clearly had feelings for is "taking this away from you too". So your anger is understandable from that perspective. From a different perspective, you seem to be saying "I at least get this" (minimal contact with the stepsons). And she's saying "no you don't". So in that sense it's partly a control issue. Unfortunately for you, she has the legal rights, etc. in this situation.

 

But after 5 years they aren't the kids you remember anymore anyhow. No doubt they remember you, but they're growing up and soon you'll be different from what they remember too. Who you were then and who they were then, both just a memory. They have a "dad" and whether or not he's a good one or anything like that is out of your control and so in a way beside the point. They are kids and so learning and growing and figuring out how to make the best of the situation they are in.

 

It sounds like everyone else in this situation has moved on. Think it's probably best that you do too.

[preraph]

On one hand I can see if those kids were attached to you that it would be hurtful for them to think you just left and didn't care. 

 

I don't know how old they are now, but you can certainly contact them after they turn 18 if you can find them away from her home. Maybe once they're 18 you can just find their social media and let them know you cared but weren't allowed to send them a card or anything. 

[Tamfana]

That’s not what gaslighting is.  Gaslighting is lying about reality/facts to make people doubt themselves.  

 

It’s painful to lose people you care about.  But your relationship with the boys is over.  Don’t try to contact them.  

[OatsAndHall]

@mark clemson: No, it isn't a control issue on my part. I moved past my ex-wife and the situation surrounding the divorce a long time ago; therapy is a wonderful thing.  It took me longer to accept that I wasn't meaningful part of the boys' lives but I did so as well. I raised them as my own and it was difficult for my family and I to not see them. That email blind sided me as, five years ago, I texted her and asked if I could send the boys some birthday cards one summer. The boys' and I had just celebrated one of their birthdays before she pulled the plug on me seeing them and it didn't feel right not to at least acknowledge the other two.

 

She saw that text and replied with "ok" (i.e. her statement about telling me not to contact the boys is a blatant lie) so I have been sending those cards ever since . To me, it was simply a small gesture showing them that I still care about them and not an attempt to control or to "maintain contact" with them. I took it hard when she wouldn't let me see them anymore but I took comfort in the thought that seeing those cards would show them that I didn't just disappear on them.  Now that I know the cards have been thrown away,  that small bit of comfort is gone and I will deal with it. The thought of them feeling abandoned by me stings and it is something I am going to have to work through. And, it is something that I could have worked through a long time ago if she had told me "no contact, period".

 

@preraph: One of the boys is 20 years old and he used to contact me over Facebook all the time. We'd chat about video games, how his life was going, etc..etc..(never his mother or anything like that). That stopped fairly abruptly last Christmas and I figured he'd just moved on to other things in his life. Hopefully that is the case but now I get the feeling "mama" found out and put a stop to it. He's always had a good relationship with his mother and would cut off contact with me if she asked him to. The middle kiddo used to hit me up on Facebook about once per month but that stopped abruptly as well. Again, me thinks there was an outside influence there.

[preraph]

^ Well, I'm glad you were able to talk to both of them because now they both know you cared.  That's all that's really important here, that they didn't get an "abandonment" feeling from you that changes them for life.  

 

At 20, I imagine that boy is just too busy with his own life.  It doesn't really matter if she put a stop to it at that point because you showed him you cared, so if he needs to do that to make his life easier, then fine.  They know you cared.  I know you miss them, but the main thing is they know you did care.  

[Mr. Lucky]

On 12/27/2019 at 12:12 PM, OatsAndHall said:

Again, me thinks there was an outside influence there.

Some things in life aren't fair, and yet we still have to accept them.  This can include job terminations, relationship endings and loss of contact with with non-biological children.

You might consider remembering them through a donation each year to a cause benefiting children in general...

Mr. Lucky

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree this isn't gaslighting....just unnecessary bitchiness.  And, it does sound like she instructed the boys to have no contact with you.  I'm sorry :(.  Maybe when they grow up a little and her grip on them loosens they will resume contact with you.

[elaine567]

Surely the 20yo could contact you without his mother's permission, no?

[alphamale]

they are not your kids, move on with your life.  there are plenty of divorced women with kids that you can date

[OatsAndHall]

On 1/1/2020 at 8:20 AM, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

I agree this isn't gaslighting....just unnecessary bitchiness.  And, it does sound like she instructed the boys to have no contact with you.  I'm sorry :(.  Maybe when they grow up a little and her grip on them loosens they will resume contact with you.

It's gaslighting in her statement that I just left; she has always held onto this thought process that she played no part in our divorce. When she first said that I couldn't see them it was because I "abandoned them" which is the furthest thing from the truth.

 

 Like I said in an earlier post, I moved past our divorce a long time ago. It took me longer to accept that I couldn't see the kids but I did that as well. Part of my moving on in that aspect was the cards; it was a small gesture that I hoped would show them that I was still thinking about them even if I wasn't able to see them. So, knowing they weren't even getting them dug into an old wound. But, it's done and over with and I'll continue to move forward. I got that email from her and starting this thread helped keep me from wasting my time with a nasty response. I just needed to b-tch.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If these sons were your own flesh and blood, I could understand, but you have to understand that this doesn't make you look like a caring former parent, it makes you look weird and obsessive. You cannot continue to send them mail, it will probably end badly for you, legally or otherwise, I would just move on. 

[PinkFlamingo]

On 1/5/2020 at 5:20 AM, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

If these sons were your own flesh and blood, I could understand, but you have to understand that this doesn't make you look like a caring former parent, it makes you look weird and obsessive. You cannot continue to send them mail, it will probably end badly for you, legally or otherwise, I would just move on. 

He probably entered this marriage with the intention of creating a family with this his wife and her three stepsons. He opened up and let them in. Of course, it will hurt if his ex-wife takes the kids away from him. If it didn't hurt, then families with adopted children were never really families either and no parent with adopted children ever really loved them, which is not true. Loving a partner is not the same as loving children that you accepted as your own. Romance or attraction that can fade away do not factor in the relationship with children. If you love them, it's harder to rationalize it away then with a romantic love.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

1 hour ago, PinkFlamingo said:

He probably entered this marriage with the intention of creating a family with this his wife and her three stepsons. He opened up and let them in. Of course, it will hurt if his ex-wife takes the kids away from him. If it didn't hurt, then families with adopted children were never really families either and no parent with adopted children ever really loved them, which is not true. Loving a partner is not the same as loving children that you accepted as your own. Romance or attraction that can fade away do not factor in the relationship with children. If you love them, it's harder to rationalize it away then with a romantic love.

The law doesnt recognize feelings, especially when it comes to minors... She is the guardian of these children and he needs to respect her wishes.

[PinkFlamingo]

35 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

The law doesnt recognize feelings, especially when it comes to minors... She is the guardian of these children and he needs to respect her wishes.

Sure, but you called him weird and obsessive and most people probably wouldn't think he deserved that.

Edited January 6, 2020 by PinkFlamingo

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

3 hours ago, PinkFlamingo said:

Sure, but you called him weird and obsessive and most people probably wouldn't think he deserved that.

Yeah, because i have been through a similar experience; the kid was 14 at that time, I wanted to continue to be a father figure for him, but the woman disagreed and even when she did, we would email each other off and on, but after about a year, there was another man in the picture and I felt i was undermining his efforts to be a father figure himself, so i let the kid be, for his own good... I could of been selfish and continued my efforts but who am i really helping by doing that, well, myself. 

This guy has been pursuing this relationship for 5+ years, he is a vague memory in their minds, especially since none of his communications actually reach them in the first place... I feel my comments are absolutely warranted in this case.

[healing light]

On 1/4/2020 at 11:35 AM, OatsAndHall said:

It's gaslighting in her statement that I just left; she has always held onto this thought process that she played no part in our divorce. When she first said that I couldn't see them it was because I "abandoned them" which is the furthest thing from the truth.

 

Yep, gas lighting. She is telling him that he is the one that left when she was the one leaving for another man. My stepfather did this to my mom. He is the one who moved out and yet told everyone my mom left him (we simply didn't stop him from moving out, we were relieved at that point that it was over).

[fishlips]

I'm sure it was painful for you to not see the boys anymore. If they are over 18, I don't see the harm in sending them a Facebook message and telling them that you cared, but you had to keep away because you had no legal rights. You can do that without saying anything about their mother, and they are old enough to talk to you if they want to. It might make them feel better if you contact them.

It is always sad when kids are involved.

[OatsAndHall]

On 1/7/2020 at 3:59 PM, fishlips said:

I'm sure it was painful for you to not see the boys anymore. If they are over 18, I don't see the harm in sending them a Facebook message and telling them that you cared, but you had to keep away because you had no legal rights. You can do that without saying anything about their mother, and they are old enough to talk to you if they want to. It might make them feel better if you contact them.

It is always sad when kids are involved.

 Honestly, I'll avoid reaching out to them directly in any way because it would make things more difficult for them. The two oldest boys know that their new stepfather was the reason I left because it wasn't any secret that I wasn't happy with her having contact with him when we were married. They overheard several arguments about that topic, unfortunately, and they're smart enough to put the pieces together.

Before the divorce was final and I was still allowed to see them, the youngest one let it slip that the old/new boyfriend/now stepfather was hanging around the house. The middle kiddo immediately tried to keep his younger brother from talking about it; "Shhh... Don't talk about that!". I told them that it was fine; their mother had the right to see whoever she pleased and that it wasn't anything that they needed to worry about. I got stuck hearing about him hanging out with them a few times after that but I just smiled and nodded.

So, I imagine they're in a happy, stable environment right now and there's no reason to rock that boat. I'll gladly communicate with them if they're over 18 and reach out to me but that's it.