having serious reprocussions with an ex

[Sheenzy]

Hi so i have just come out of a 15month relationship and im having some serious problems. We broke up because we just wernt able to get along consistently enough and it was me myself who ended things. We went 2 months without talking and out of no where my ex had unblocked me and started asking me how i was. I was reluctant to reply and kept it short and sweet. However she kept messaging. And had started asking me if i had moved on and apologised. I replied and expressed that she herself said she wanted nothing to do with me and now she wants me in her life as a friend and that it just doesnt make sense.

What i later noticed is she had posted a pic up with a guys hand in the picture and when i questioned her she said it was just a date and she wasnt with anyone. I explained that i would not be her plan b or chair to fall back on for if whatever that was with the guy went t*ts up and she didnt like it and said i was mean. She then told me she was going on holiday over the festivities and when i asked oh who with she said with one of her girlfriends and the guy she was on the date with and another guy. She had no reason to lie we arent together however i have soon found out shes only on holiday with this one guy. And only him and that he was her manager at her strip club where she works and they were a couple! Now we had conversations where she was talking about missing me and wanting to see me and even sent me a nude video of herself and all of this was done a few days before the holiday. So at this point i walked away again and said i wanted nothing to do with her and we returned to being blocked again. About 3 days into her holiday she had unblocked me on instagram and whatsapp and started following me on instagram and watching my stories. However i had seen she had told this guy she loved him. So i questioned her and ssid why are you following me and watching my life and she said she could do what she wanted and i said she couldnt and that she had lost the right to be involved in knowing my life and i removed her. At this point i expressed id figured her game out and she was nothing more then a using abusing lying golddigging girl and wanted nothing to do with her and that i was going to inform this new guy of her contacting me if it was all innocence as she made out and she got upset and blocked me and got him to block me. Anyway, i managed to get the message across to this guy and showed him the proof she had been sending me nudes and harrassing me and stalking me. And she unblocked be and said she wants nothing to do with me anymore(which she has said 100 times).
I got drunk xmas eve and made the biggest mistake of messaging her, i know right im stupid! And she acted concerned then said she couldnt talk to me i asked her if she was in love with this guy she said yes and she blocked me again.

Its been 2 days now i have not had any contact with her. And today i got a text from one of her friends where she gave him my number telling me to stay away from her and let her move on. Ofcourse i told him that in truth it was her who kept pestering me and left it as is. He claims he messaged of his own back however was on the phone to her while shes abroad telling her the conversation. And some how got my number. So she clearly got him to do this 2 days after it was done and dusted.

My questions are:
1. Is she in love with the new guy shes with aka her manager of her strip club or is she using him to get to me and for the free money?
2. Why is she getting friends to contact me after we have buried all of our dramas and moved on.
3. Is she wanting to get back with me or is she using me for own personal gain?
4. what is her need to tell so many hideous lies about me to people?
5. Do you think she will contact me again?

6. Why has she been lying to me?

I want a good detailed break down from strangers that are conpletely objective.

[preraph]

There's no breakdown needed here. If you were dating a woman who works at a strip club and you to work getting along so you broke up and she moved on. She doesn't see why you can't be only just friends because that's how women are. Meanwhile she's not wasting any time moving on. You regard her as a gold digger and you're probably right. 

 

You should move on too.

[Sheenzy]

But why has been lying about me and getting her friends to message me? 

[thecrucible]

@Sheenzy - I sense that what's at the heart of this is whether you want to maintain contact and be friends with her. If that doesn't work for you, then opt out and spare yourself the emotional pain of seeing her move on. Go 30 days no contact, come back and reassess. You should by then be able to see if she is just messing you about or whether she has serious intentions of being friends or otherwise with you. 

 

Don't be too hard on yourself for breaking your own process and initiating contact when drunk. We've all been there! I can think of so many times I've done that.

 

How are you feeling? Do you think her behaviour is sending mixed messages? I can understand why that would be so confusing.

[spiderowl]

If you really wanted to leave her behind, then don't respond to her or engage in any discussion with her or her friends.  Block her and remove her from your social media.  You do not have to engage with her.  It sounds like she likes you and wanted to keep you as a friend but you clearly do not want that so best to leave her behind.

[Sheenzy]

3 hours ago, thecrucible said:

@Sheenzy - I sense that what's at the heart of this is whether you want to maintain contact and be friends with her. If that doesn't work for you, then opt out and spare yourself the emotional pain of seeing her move on. Go 30 days no contact, come back and reassess. You should by then be able to see if she is just messing you about or whether she has serious intentions of being friends or otherwise with you. 

 

Don't be too hard on yourself for breaking your own process and initiating contact when drunk. We've all been there! I can think of so many times I've done that.

 

How are you feeling? Do you think her behaviour is sending mixed messages? I can understand why that would be so confusing.

I mean it is very mixed in signals. Because i feel like the need for friendship is because she wants me on a sideline for if/when this rebound goes wrong. And because she is the type of person to rub things in a persons face for a required response its hard to tell. She has done things and acted in ways that seem very malicious and cruel at times. Getting friends to message me randomly about things we have already dealt with is very much confusing. Telling me she wants nothing to do with me but then following me on social media etc. The only reason she has stopped this now is because i told her rebound about it and showed him the proof and she obviously has backed away.

 

When you say reassess is that as in see what has happened in those 30 days because i doubt id ever be the first to initiate contact with her after everything. It just seems very toxic. She said she no longer cares about me yet still endeavours to seek me out on social media platforms and get her friends to warn me away when i have done nothing to require that. And she has been telling lies about me to her friends and making me to be an awful person that i am most certainly not!

 

I feel very angry, i feel very frustrated and i feel very hurt.

 

All in all I am just very confused!

Edited December 27, 2019 by Sheenzy

[preraph]

16 hours ago, Sheenzy said:

But why has been lying about me and getting her friends to message me? 

Likes drama.  Remember who you're dealing with.  She works at a strip club.  She needs validation or she probably wouldn't be there.  

[alterest]

1. Is she in love with the new guy shes with aka her manager of her strip club or is she using him to get to me and for the free money?

Maybe yes, maybe no. It's not supposed to be your problem.

2. Why is she getting friends to contact me after we have buried all of our dramas and moved on.

Testing ground. It doesn't mean she want to get back.

3. Is she wanting to get back with me or is she using me for own personal gain?

Maybe ego boost or emotional support. You stay with her for 15 months, you constructed something with her and she wants to hold it up until she have it with another guy. Don't fall for it. I felt and I regret.

4. what is her need to tell so many hideous lies about me to people?

To make her point. But, who knows, right?

5. Do you think she will contact me again?

Probably yes. Don't bite!! Answer her polite but don't give her details about your life or about your feelings. Be short.

 

6. Why has she been lying to me?

Don't know. Maybe she is what you see now. Sometime we tried to show to the world an another ourselves, but we can't sustain that for too long and we show our true selves. Try to not think about it. The input you have is "she lied to you" and maybe she did it even when you were both together.

 

 

And I agree with @preraph, she needs validation and she did it on her work and, maybe, when she reach you out.

 

Don't try to be her friend. You are not and you are suffering trying to do that. Think in yourself first.

[mark clemson]

Yeah, don't worry about the mixed signals, don't worry about what she tells her friends, don't worry about ANY of this and just walk away. No serious repercussions here, just her trying to suck you back into her life and playing games with you (and to a certain extent you with her) as your emotions fluctuate.

 

Real simple: Just. Walk. Away.

[Sheenzy]

So update. She’s recently unblocked me on Facebook. And I had to make a new Instagram yesterday which she’s found and is now watching my stories on it. 
 

this is coming from someone who said she wants nothing to do with me and is moving on and living her life?

[alterest]

She will continue with the drama until you allowed it. I know, because I'm passing by some drama girl too. You are overthinking about this girl and we can see it by your knowledge about when she blocks and unblocks you. Make your social media profiles private and block her or at least don't accept her.

Sometimes people say something and do another thing. This is called pride. As long as you think something, don't care if they will do that thing or not. She needs you for something in her life, and probably for ego boost, emotional support and/or validation. You only know one thing: You have nothing to do with her and she will drag you into misery if you allowed it. I know you love her deeply, but she is not into you and the best thing you can do right know is move on.

[Sheenzy]

So update again. She started following me on Instagram again. This time I decided it’s not worth it and just left it to be. However I posted a picture of myself and a friends leg in it. She must have assumed I was with someone else. And she saw it and blocked me. Which is ironic because she actually chose to commit such an act of showing me she was with someone else. And now can’t handle the idea of me being with someone else even though I am not! 😓

[2BGoodAgain]

On 12/26/2019 at 5:01 PM, Sheenzy said:

Hi... 

She's a habitual liar. Prob lies b/c she may be worried about how people view her? (shrug). She's prob addicted to how you make her feel, but not the actual person, you.

In other words, it isn't YOU she wants back, but parts of you that made her feel good. Physical, or emotional, or mental. Take your pick. You know her better.

Current guy vs you: it isn't about you. It isn't even about love. Some people rebound from relationship to relationship either b/c they don't like being alone and/or b/c they never really deal with why the last relationship failed and instead go from relationship to relationship. Addiction to addiction.

In all honestly, just block her from all media. remove yourself from her life and avoid her at all costs. 

Yes, she will prob seek you out. No, don't engage her.

Of course, all actions are your own, as you are an adult. Good luck.

[Sheenzy]

I want to say thank you to all of you. You've all given me amazing advice and opinions. And today ive received a wake up call and along with the words you all gave it has all sunk in. Thank you all

[alterest]

Did she called you? How it goes?

[Sheenzy]

No so she messaged me on an anonymous app. And i knew it was her because she said she was always going to be here for me and still cares.

And i had a conversation with her whereby i got these extra things off my chest. Anyway she admitted to me shes with this guy and it was because i couldnt give her what she needed even though i thought i had done that.

I basically told her you cant possibly care about me if after 15months of a relationship you claimed you adored and loved for so long was easily replaced within 3 months with another guy. It was made apparent to me he is a rebound due to her saying he was there for her while we were apart. 

I basically said i would never make the same mistakes again and officially removed her off everything properly and made my profiles privatised without her knowing and left it at that.

If anything should come up im sure ill be on here talking about it. 

Im sick of caring about people that really dont give any cares to me.

All that is left for me is to live my life and see what life has in store. 

Karma comes to us all for the disgusting things we do.

 

Edited January 2, 2020 by Sheenzy

[mark clemson]

It sounds like her ego can't handle you walking away. It stings so she attempts to reel you back in, not because she truly wants you back but just to prop up her ego. Possibly she's not even completely conscious that she's doing it.

That's my read on this FWIW. IMO you're on the right track fully dropping her and moving on.

[alterest]

@Sheenzy You made the right choice removing her from your life and sparing yourself from another round of drama.

She cares with herself only, and nothing that you made cares to her.

And I totally agree with @mark clemson, her ego can't handle with you walking away. For her perspective, she can have another person in her life but you can't. It's pretty selfish.

[Sheenzy]

So it would be good for you both to know that ive woken up to a message from her on instagram. Shes asking me why i deleted her off everything. 

Which also extends the whole she can have someone and i cant. She expects me to sit there and watch her in this rebound relationship like i should be ok with this. 

Ive just ignored it if im honest. Shes panicking now because it was unexpected. Seems like a her problem really.

I know her exes in the past have stayed following her and talking to her hence feeding her attention seeking and ego. And theyve done it because they want her. I personally want her however i beg no one who exhibits traits of selfishness and controlling one up behaviour and for her shes not used to an ex cutting themselves off from her.

Edited January 2, 2020 by Sheenzy

[JTSW]

I'm glad you woke up to her manipulating ways.

Don't reply to anymore of her messages ever again.

Get on with your life and date whoever you want.

Block her anywhere she turns up. Set your Facebook etc so only friends can see what you post just in case she creates a fake profile.

Edited January 2, 2020 by JTSW

[alterest]

@Sheenzy Yeah, I thought so. She can make things but you can't. That's the main idea of this whole thing. And, somehow, I can relate you situation with mine. She is panicking cause she knows that you are moving on, and she doesn't want to lost her cake. She wants to keep it, more like a hoarding keep things. Some people are emotional hoarders, they want to keep everyone there, even if you never see them again. I know how it is to want someone and that person do terrible things, it's heartbreaking and sometimes makes you want them more, but you are doing right not fall for that. Ignore her and keep strong!!

[Sheenzy]

I dont know if im foolish or what but i replied. However this was the convo.

She said: why did you delete me

Me: I dont think we should speak with each other for now. I need some time to deal with the break up and do some soul searching and work on myself. All of the faults you ever pointed out in me is my main focus right now to make myself a better partner and a better all round person. I hope you understand.
You may be over us but I am not.

Her: I never said I was over us, I said the ways in which you treated me I had to move on. Ok i understand

Me: Yeah and you have moved on, your with someone new living your life. I have not moved on. But thank you for understanding. Catch up soon x

Her: But theirs more to the situation things arnt great I’m still so sad just don’t think that I’m ok because I’m not.

Me: Im only going off what ive been given from you and your friends. 

Farrell said you wanted nothing to do with me. You told me your happy several times and in love. And even told me you couldnt talk to me anymore.

Its hard to gather negative thoughts from all that.

But i understand what you're saying.

And ive lost love for myself and lost my own personal image i used to have for myself

Her: I don’t want you to feel that way I feel the exact same I have had a s*** time over Xmas with my depression. I want to be happy.

Me: Then you must go and be happy ellie. And how i feel is normal during a break up.

Her: yeah i understand. I hope we can fix ourselves.

Me: fyi : whats meant to be will be just a quote i saw. See you round. Maybe one day we can meet up.

Her: im back today im at the airport and yeah i would like that.

Me: ok nice well get home safe and enjoy the rest of your day.

That was our conversation and i just left it as is. This was something i expected to happen upon her return from this holiday. And it was something i chose to do to be amicable. 

AND honestly I've never responded like this to her during our issues so i feel shes gonna be shocked anyway. But i feel more at peace with myself to respond how i did. Normally i woild grovel and be weak however i refuse to do this.

 

Edited January 2, 2020 by Sheenzy

[Sheenzy]

And now to add on top of my most recent previous messaged me expressing she got back from holiday and got a letter expressing that bmw have recalled some cars and asked if it was my reg and its like the letter is addressed to you and we all know its not my bmw you just want to find a reason to talk to me. She was also like i cant let you know as im not at home which to me is a sign potentially shes trying to chuck in my face maybe shes out with this guy again... but i really dont care too much.

[JTSW]

You seriously need to stop being in contact.

She's finding any reason to contact you and you are giving her the attention she wants.

You need to stop.

Move on and put her behind you because if you keep responding to her, you'll never move on.

[Sheenzy]

Yeah im having a panic fest i think its time i run a mile shes asking when do i wanna talk 😒 time to run massively