Ruff Ryder Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 Just stick to it no matter how hard it is. You can and will surive there is love after life. Link to post Share on other sites
helena abadi Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 I wish I knew that she was missing me a little or at least in some sort of pain over our breakup. I think she just jumped into another relationship so quickly to avoid any sadness. It's hard to know, she doesn't even try to contact me and that hurts because I know I was right and know I was great to her. Noone likes to be forgotten or replaced. I have to realize that this is all for the best. I'm just worried that if/when she does try to contact me, I'll cave and relapse back to square one. I'll have to really put up a wall if I can. My visualizations of her intimacy with that R guy cut me deeply. I should be repulsed but I am just hurt about our breakup. WHY DO I CARE???? She is way to selfish, manipulative and untrustworthy for me to have a great relationship/marriage with. I've got to let go and KNOW that I am better off for it. no-one likes to be replaced, that's the worst part. and as for the visualisations...yeah, they cut so deeply. does it help you to know you are not alone, and lots of other people have been thru exactly the same thing? why do you care? because you loved her. and it does take time to disconnect those feelings, even when your hand is forced by the unpleasant truth. the person who is dumped usually maintains the emotional connection the longest. the dumper has already partially moved on even when the break-up occurs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clevelandfan Posted October 26, 2005 Author Share Posted October 26, 2005 Well,..I'm continuing NC. It's been difficult though. She isn't trying to contact me at all and that seems to bother me. I guess since I didn't jump in and start paying her bills and funding HER goals, I was replaceable. Even with all the cons that I have listed, I still obsess about her from time to time. I have scheduled an appointment with a counselor for Friday to help me put my thoughts into the right frame of mind. I think that is the right thing to do now since it has been a month since our breakup and this rollercoaster ride is still happening for me. My ex hasn't been at work for the past 3 weeks and she comes back today, from what I understand. I have to stay cool and collected. Basically show her that I am strong without her even though I am struggling a bit inside. Any thoughts? Am I doing the right things? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 I'm glad you made an appointment for counseling... just hang in there and carry on as planned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clevelandfan Posted October 26, 2005 Author Share Posted October 26, 2005 Thanks. Sometimes I think we get caught into a loop of thinking that we need help with. She's a user and I still have trouble with this, so hopefully this counselor will give me some direction. They have probably seen it all. Link to post Share on other sites
helena abadi Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 yes, counsellors have seen it all. and be strong, stay cool, don't let your guard down for a second. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
helena abadi Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 i mean don't let your guard down with the ex, of course. tell the counsellor what the hell you want!! Link to post Share on other sites
brittanyjean259 Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 well im going through the same thing, if that helps you out...and you saying she was" manipulative, untrushworthy and everything.. my ex were exactly those...i know he loved me...but you cant change a person who is liek that...they can love you as much as they can and they will have no problem betraying you...because they think nothing of it... i had dumped my ex 3 months ago...out of anger and said some mean things...he had rebounded...and its still a shock to me...you have good days and you have bad days( we went out for almost 3 years)..... you spend every day with this person , you love this person with all your heart... ( even though we had an unhealthy relationship)... your not ment to be with her tho...if she is all those things...HOLD dont to that please because you are ment for some one else..like me? HAHA just kidding... to me i feel like time doesnt help you heal...time does gives you a reminder of what you lost and that you feel like crap" that was my motto in the begging...but each month will be different for you...i reamber 3 months ago couldent even get out of bed....oh gosh i felt so out of it you know? it was dread ful...now all i have are memorys and dont know how i can move on...but yeah what can you do:(? nothing just let the pain conqure and it will eventually go away... also, when me and my ex got in a fight b4 our break up i got off the phone crying histerically..and i prayed to god of us never gettin back together...and now look..."pray Link to post Share on other sites
brittanyjean259 Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 sorry for mispelled and confusing words, i type really fast and anxiously lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clevelandfan Posted October 27, 2005 Author Share Posted October 27, 2005 Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. I'll probably see her at work tonight so I'll definitly have to keep my guard up. ugh! When I see her , I'm sure I'll be thinking of her being with her new live in boyfriend. That sucks. I guess the bright side is that HE is paying all her bills and pretty soon that will probably get old unless he is just desperate for a female companion. If that's the case, she certainly ios settling in some capacity, I would think. Looking forward to my counselling appointment tomorrow, hopefully some new light will be shed on my situation. I'll kepp you updated. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruff Ryder Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Dont let her get to you. Your doing well so far. Good luck with your app tomorrow i wish you all the best let us know how it goes..... Keep it up mate Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clevelandfan Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 Well, I met with a counsellor yesterday afternoon and he basically told me the same thing everyone else has said. He said that the intimacy aspect that is bothering me is a male instinctive territorial trait so it isn't unusual for it to bother me still. The question he said that I need to ask myself is why, after all the red flags that are out there, do I still care about her. Why do I seem to want her to need me? He said that she may not really be capable of loving me or anyone for that matter and her background of growing up without a father could have something to do with that. Many judgements were being made that without her input aren't resolvable. Overall, I don't think he helped me very much, other than the fact that I got another viewpoint that validated everyone elses viewpoint. I guess I'm looking for some magic words that will take my pain away. Somehow all the cons have to outweigh the few pros in my mind. I suppose I am not dealing in reality though for that to happen. I am still thinking of her often and today have been considering breaking NC to let her know that I still care about her but I am afraid that she will just reject me and I'll feel like hammered dagcrap afterwards. I'm hanging in there, but I miss her a lot. God, I hate this. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 You should get another job... then you can truly recuperate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clevelandfan Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 That's not possible right now. I have to recouperate another way. Thanks for the advice though. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Better find that other way fast... Link to post Share on other sites
Nikita20 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 You have to leave that job. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. You can do this!! By staying there, not only will this emotionally torture you, but prevent you from healing and moving on. Staying there is suicide. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clevelandfan Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 My ex has been there one day in the last month. I think her new guy is paying her bills and she is using him for now. She will probably quit anyway, she told me a while ago that she was looking for a waitressing job so I'm going to stay put. I haven't heard from her in almost a month and am having a hard time not sending her a brief e-mail today. I've been holding back, but it is hard. I'm afraid, if I do try to contact her, she will slam me. I suppose it would depend on if she is even wondering about how I am doing. Not sure I want to take the risk. I think I'll feel like crap no matter how she responds and will have to go back to square 1 with NC again. Tough day today. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Clevelandfan, Please don't contact her in any way. You can do this. Think about how badly you were treated. You don't owe here anything and NC is for YOU. You can do this! Get over to the Coping section and you'll get support to get through this. regards Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clevelandfan Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 Thanks Bendit. I'm holding back. Reading my list of cons and trying to refocus. I get the idea in my head that she is just having a great time without me and not thinking of me at all. That's silly, isn't it? We were together for almost a year and even though she is a very self-centered person, she probably thinks about me a little, right? Maybe I'm just confused. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 You should take a vacation... you know, leave town for a bit? Change of scenery would help. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Clevelandfan, try not to think about whether she misses you or thinks about you. The hard truth is these folk think about their Present needs only and what's in front of them at the moment. I know we want them to think about us, that's the ego talking. But you have to just learn to let go of it all. She is history and the sooner you let go of the relationship the faster you can move on to a new and better life. You aren't going to be with her ever again and that's reality. I know its not fair but that's the long and short of it. I think you are going to have up and down emotions for a while but as the days pass, you will think about her less and less. The one month mark of complete NC will be a kind of turning point. Try to forgive her and yourself. You each acted in a way you thought was going to produce happiness. Try to let go of any residual anger you have towards her and also yourself. We can't change the past but we can learn from it. This is a massive learning project for you. Be strong and stay NC. You can do it. regards Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clevelandfan Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 I'm having a lot of trouble doing what you have suggested Bendit. I haven't been able to let go completely and somewhere in the back of my mind I think she will realize what she is missing and try to get in touch with me. I haven't accepted that it is over and that is my fault. I struggle inside myself constantly. On the one hand, why should I get back in touch with her when I know she has lied to me, is very self-centered, irresponsible and manipulative/money oriented. On the other hand I miss the good times we had together and companionship/intimacy that I am now without. Why does it seem that I need validation from her regarding my self worth? Boy, the lows sure aren't worth the highs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clevelandfan Posted October 30, 2005 Author Share Posted October 30, 2005 Still sticking with NC,...whew,..that was a tough day, but I made it and didn't e-mail her even though I REALLY wanted to. Self-discipline is difficult sometimes. I was reading some of the other threads and I realize that I can't make her contact me. She needs to realize what she is missing and that way IF we were to possibly reconcile, it would be on mutual terms at least. If I was to e-mail and grovel (sp?), then it would totally be on her terms. SO the only choice I really have is NC. Either I get over her or she realizes what she's lost and acts accordingly. What sucks is that I have NO IDEA how she is feeling because I haven't seen her. If I had some insight that she was missing me then I would feel stronger about my position, instead of feeling weaker thinking I'm going to completely lose her. The real question is: Can I really forgive everything that has happened and how she was treating me while we were together before we broke up? There were times where I was asking myself "what the hell am I doing with this woman?" The list of cons just isn't hitting home I guess. I guess I just need to chill out, huh. Link to post Share on other sites
anotherconfusedlover Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 there is at least millions of other potential mates. you are young. learn to love yourself. trying to be someone for someone else is not the answer, it's the easy way out and you only have 1 life to live. focus on the fact that every single second of your life is in your control you have all the freedom now! go out and change the world for the better you will be rewarded. some day a beautiful woman will see how much of a man you are and fall in love with you. i'm sorry but once someone leaves you, you absolutely can not feel that you will be back together again. realize that you have to love yourself first, you'll find it one day, just enjoy life for now. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 cf, your words are troubling me. You still want this woman back. You're brainwashed and not going over the bad stuff you went through in this relationship that so confounds you now. You're idealizing this person even though logically you know she is nowhere near the right partner for you. It would be like going BACK to hell to start over with this person and you are OPEN to this idea. The only way she would ever contact you is if she is in DIRE need of someone to bail her out of one of her messes. That is the only way you will get a call. So start getting used to the idea that this person is HISTORY and that you are never ever going to go back and you are going to do everything in your power to resist her HOOVER attempts if they come. You are so very vulnerable right now because you are still under the impression that you could have a good life with this person. Nothing could be further from the truth. She is over, done, and you're a lucky person to be rid of her. You just have to start realizing this and get your heart in sync with your brain. You should start by going back and rereading over and over again your old posts that explained your story to all of us. regards Link to post Share on other sites
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