Trying NC after breakup

[Clevelandfan]

Is it wrong for me to want her to go through some sort of misery? Not anything I would inflict on her. Just would like to know she is unhappy for some reason so that I know I'm not the one who is feeling down about our failed relationship.

 

Something else I forgot to mention in the opening post was that she wanted me to get her what she called a "5 table" ring. I asked her what that was because I wasn't familiar with that. She said it was a ring that can be seen from 5 tables away. Unreal. HAs anyone else had their gf /so tell them what they expected in terms of an engagement ring? My friends are having fun with that, they said,..why didn't you tell her you would get her a "kenhardly" ring? huh,..that's a ring with the diamond you can hardly see. Yeah, like she would go for that. Anywayshe is sooo materialistic, I don't think she will ever be happy.

 

I remember her telling me about that guy who helped her "choose" her new SUV. She told me that she could take him for everything he had if she wanted, but she's not that way. I think she said that for two reasons,..1) so that I know that he REALLY wants her so I better hurry up and 2) that she is so mercyful and she would not do that to me. All I was thinking was that she was thinking in THOSE terms at all. God, the red flags everywhere.

 

It's all so sick, isn't it?

[Clevelandfan]

I broke NC like an idiot and sent her an e-mail telling her off basically for ruining our relationship. I want to apologize now,..she is entitled to her life and I should not get involved anymore. I don't know what to dop at this point. I'm sorry I let you LS supporters down. I need to really get a different perspective about this whole thing. I've got to stop looking at the "good times".

[georgiagirl76]

It isn't about letting us down- sure it makes us feel bad when we go against advice and it bites us in the butt. However, we aren't here to make you feel bad- the relationship situation is enough to make you feel bad.

 

However, learn from your mistake. Breaking No Contact usually leads to disaster- but everyone has a different situation so no judgment here.

Try to get out of the house- go to a bookstore and flip through some breaking up books- then go over to a section that really peaks your interest. There is probably a sport that you like that you have neglected during this time-or maybe your music collection isn't the way you would like it to be.

Find something that you have always been curious about and take some time to learn about it- try a new hobby. I am not suggesting that you avoid your feelings- However, a person can only process so much at once.

 

Hang in there

[Art_Critic]

You need to STOP contacting her.. You are kiiling yourself and making yourself look bad..

 

Show some self respect for yourself and STOP..

 

Let her be..

[Clevelandfan]

Thanks Art and Georgiagirl. I will take your advice. I need to realize that it IS OVER. I've bben bargaining with myself and not getting to that acceptance stage. I've been telling myself that maybe I did something wrong but all those red flags are real. It's too bad that I want to rescue her now, but she is niether rescuable or want's to be rescued. Damn,..there I go again,...this is a failed relationship but I have to realize that there will be more. There were relationships before her. Thanks for replying,..back to day 1 NC.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Is it wrong for me to want her to go through some sort of misery? Not anything I would inflict on her.

 

She will sooner or later. People reap what they sow. In the meantime, concern yourself with your heart and getting better - forget about her. As far as you can.

[bendit]

Man, let me be blunt. She is USING you.

You are paying her bills and she is boinking

another guy and you just accept this? Take a breath

or three and just observe what IS. You were being played as the chump. You have to immediately disengage from this. Tie up any loose ends get your stuff back give her stuff back. Don't pay ANY MORE OF HER BILLS. Next, start looking at WHY you got involved in this mess. Don't worry its pretty common for NICE guys to want to rescue damsels in distress. But don't ever do it any more. You didn't create her mess so you don't have to clean it up. You have a rescuing mentality and you are going to seek out another troubled woman. So fix yourself then after some time, find a women who hasn't and won't be creating a mess for you to clean up. They are out there I've heard. Get to work. BTW, you need to take steps to keep this woman from contacting you because you are going to be extremely vulnerable to her manipulations. So do whatever you can to turn yourself into HER invisible man. She is absolute POISON for you.

 

Regards

 

Mike

[Clevelandfan]

Bendit,...you are 100% right, except for the part where I was paying her bills. She wanted me to marry her or knock her up so I would pay them and I knew of the other co-signers and money donaters and so I avoided doing that. In doing so, she looked for another sucker to try to get to marry her while we were still involved. Maybe she has found him now?

 

You may be right about my having a rescueing women mentality. I need to really work on that for myself. I think I really came across a vile manipulator also and I started believing in her fantasy life together, using my money of course. God, how many of them are out there like that?

 

I'm keeping the faith that the right woman who knows how to give to the relationship instead of just talk about herself is on the horizon.

 

Thanks for your replys.

[helena abadi]

Bendit put it so damn well! It was good to read about the rescuer thing from a man's perspective. I kinda thought women got sucked into that much more, and clean forgot about the damsels in distress disease.

 

I once played rescuer for a boyfriend who a) cheated on me far more than once b) repeatedly lied about many things c) borrowed several small amounts of money with empty promises to repay d) accepted gifts, knowing if i knew he had been cheating i would have ripped them out of his grasp e) would not respond when i needed help in situations f) and then accused me of flirting and cheating when i had done no such thing.

 

he wasn't all bad, but i overlooked too much. and when we broke up, he couldn't let go and still wanted to ``see me sometimes''. yeah, right.

 

rescuers are suckers for punishment. when they rescue very needy people, i.e. those who love to be saved, they feel needed, and both think that is emotional intimacy. both parties get a payoff of sorts.

 

rescuers tend to do this in other areas of their lives too. relationship dynamics aren't compartmentalised. they have low self-esteem. i read up about it finally, i was desperate to change. rescuers have the disease-to-please. they put their own needs last. everything we do in relationships stems from how we learned to relate, in our own families as we grew up. in my case, it was stepping into an adult role to support an incompetent parent and putting my needs as a child on hold. apparently it's quite common

[Clevelandfan]

Well,..I've been sticking to NC and feel better sometimes and worse others. I have problems dealing with the intimacy that we shared which she is now having with her "friend" now in order to get those bills paid. She obviously didn't care about as much as I did since she is now living with that guy now. I guess someone has to pay her massive debts, she's not working. It was only a couple of weeks after I broke up with her over this guys interference before they got together, so that confirms that she had him chomping at the bit if we broke up. My ego will heal eventually. I guess I have to stop feeling like I lost something of value to her new guy. I should be happy that I didn't get caught up in co-signing for something or getting her pregnant like she wanted before we were to get married. I think I will feel a lot better looking back in the future, it's just hard to project those feelings in the future and feel them now in the form of relief (not sure I explainrd that well).

 

Thanks for listening.

[Clevelandfan]

Thanks Bendit and Helena. Those were some great points. Rescueing is similar to the adage "good intentions pave the road to hell" is some instances, I suppose. My ex definitely knows how to make a guy feel needed by presenting situations where she needs help so they can obligue. She is into a pattern of creating debts and knowing how to use a guy to pay them off until they finally are used up or catch on. She had told me that she could "take "R" for all he had if she wanted to but she wasn't that kind of girl." I think she was trying to make me believe they were just friends and that she wasn't a bad person. Well,...I just thought that the fact that she was even thinking in those terms, meant that she potentially could do that and would if need be. Right?

[JohnJohn]

I have been through a similar situation. Not from the financial end but of someone using me. Read about Narcissism. She fits it perfectly from all I read about your case.

 

They use you, don't hesitate to get whatever it is they need from someone else, have a primary addiction (financial problems in her case), present a grand exterior (hence her possessions she has that got her into financial difficulty) have no respect/compassion for your feelings, they lie and leave you wondering what the F is going on. You feel like you're going insane. One minute they love you and the next they want to leave you. They are what I call "slow poison" and will wear you out. Get out now and don't look back. She doesn't deserve you.

[Ruff Ryder]

I just want to say BIG UP to eveone who posted here it was good reading and some very valid points.

 

RYDE TO DIE RUFF RYDERS 4 LIFE

[Clevelandfan]

Thanbks Johnjohn, I'm not sure she is a narcissist (sp?) but I found this on askmen.com that personifies her pretty well.

 

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/114_dating_advice.html

 

 

2- Miss Take

She's out for your money -- pure and simple. Miss Take is the ultimate in high maintenance. She expects a man to finance her entire life just because she is biologically female. To her, a man should pay for drinks, dinners, trips, flowers, and jewelry, while she feels absolutely no guilt or compulsion to reciprocate. She is nothing but a whitewashed prostitute. Miss Take thinks her vagina is plated with gold and is worth a million dollars. She is greed personified. Since she has no concept of someone else's feelings, her only interest is in getting what she wants. And don't be fooled -- some apparently very "nice" girls are the greediest of them all.

[helena abadi]

Wow! Miss Take sounds impressively bad. good for women to read the male point of view.

 

Narcissists (selfish, unsympathetic, manipulative, lacking empathy with anyone else's feelings) need to have this label tattooed to their foreheads so decent folk can see them coming and get out of the way in good time.

 

for a detailed take on this, and abuse in relationships, try http://www.drirene.com

it's an eye-opener. i learned a lot.

[Clevelandfan]

I've been sticking with NC but for some reason tonight I am beating myself up about her.I guess because it is saturday night and I'm busy at home with my studies. I keep reminding myself that this relationship would end badly at some point because she is out for herself and that's it. I think if I did what she wanted me to do, we would get married and have a child but ultimately because she is a manipulative liar and untrustworthy, I would be going out of my mind and eventually end up divorced, broke and have a child that I couldn't love and raise the way I would like to. I have to keep remembering all the things that repulsed me about her. Especially how quickly she had to move her "friend" in because she refuses to GO TO FRIGGIN WORK. I hope there is a god and she reaps what she sows. Sorry,..just venting a bit,..she was very deceptive and a flat out liar who never compromised over anything. I thought she would have changed a little for our relationship that she said she enjoyed so much. I guess she cared until I decided not to co-sign on anything or work on getting her pregnant before marriage or buy her that "5 table" ring she told me all about. Geeze, what a piece of work, huh

[helena abadi]

cleveland fan, saturday nites are always the worst. they tore me up for months. and feel free to vent as much as you like, coz it's better to contact us than be tempted to vent at her. but also try to move forward in other parts of your day. i leanred to compartmentalise my raging grief and anger. instead of bottling it up, i let it all hang out for a finite time, then put it back in a box and got on with things. here's a tip, write a list of major points on why you broke up, and their intensity of pain on a scale of 1 to 10. any time you feel the urge to break NC, take it out and look at it. i did it and it helped me not revisit the pain in such detail. maybe it is time to dwell less on her bad behaviour which continues into another relationship. take a step back, visualise it.

[helena abadi]

i mean visualise stepping back!!! i posted this before i'd finished raving on...

[Clevelandfan]

Good points. I do have a list of reasons and they are abundant. I didn't set a pain scale to them though. I should at least put a scale of importance on them. The cons certainly outweigh the pros by a large margin, but it's the little emotional things that keep me reeling sometimes.

I know that she has made her bed out of desperation with this R guy and I know she already knows he has lied to her so maybe he's a better game player than she is. She will have to lay in that bed she made pretty soon and reality will smack her in the mouth eventually. I was a pretty damn good bf. I did all the little things and showed her affection constantly, but I didn't get the checkbook out and pay her bills when she would talk about her finances. I gave her advice instead and wasn't going to commit financially until (if) we got married. So to her, I didn't love her I guess. Oh well, she's with the "backup" plan now. It'll be interesting, I'm sure.

[helena abadi]

good to hear you know the cons outweighed the pros...putting a scale of importance on them is a great idea. yup, it's the little emotional things that trigger off the rollercoaster of feelings that bulldoze rationality. sounds as tho you were indeed a v good bf, and sensibly kept your finances in check. enough about her, what about you? what are you doing for yourself to help your own recovery? feel free to pm if you want.

[Clevelandfan]

Well,...Everytime I think of contacting her I resist the urge and stick to NC. Self discipline is very hard with matters of the heart. I believe it is for the best though. I am focusing more on my studies and going out a little bit and looking to date some. I am finally eating well again and starting to not wake up so abruptly after 4 hours. I used to wake up like a ton of bricks were being dropped on top of me while thinking of her. Sounds crazy huh. I hate this stuff. It's like the highs aren't worth the lows if a relationship doesn't work out. Very frustrating. I suppose I shouldn't put my heart into it all at one time even if I think I've found the one. I need to be more careful.

[helena abadi]

oh, i can relate. i had constant nightmares and woke in tears, refused to read messages on my cellphone, even his, had no appetite, drank to sleep, was miserable company when i went out etc etc. there were certain times and days of the week which were almost unbearable. i could never seem to be busy or diverted enough, the grief always hung around in the background waiting to bite me in the ass. also wondered if the lows were so bad, were the highs worth it? the jury is still out on that.

[Clevelandfan]

I wish I knew that she was missing me a little or at least in some sort of pain over our breakup. I think she just jumped into another relationship so quickly to avoid any sadness. It's hard to know, she doesn't even try to contact me and that hurts because I know I was right and know I was great to her. Noone likes to be forgotten or replaced. I have to realize that this is all for the best. I'm just worried that if/when she does try to contact me, I'll cave and relapse back to square one. I'll have to really put up a wall if I can. My visualizations of her intimacy with that R guy cut me deeply. I should be repulsed but I am just hurt about our breakup. WHY DO I CARE???? She is way to selfish, manipulative and untrustworthy for me to have a great relationship/marriage with. I've got to let go and KNOW that I am better off for it.

[chocolate_boy]

I know it's hard dude. I'm feeling the same, my ex who split with me about 6 weeks ago just came on msn, didn't try and say hi to me.. neither did I.. to think a little over a month ago we were so close we shared our souls and deepest secrets, and our and dreams together, now we can't even say hi over msn...

 

It does suck ass, but there's nothing you or I can do my friend.

[Clevelandfan]

I hear ya, Even as crappy as she was to me and how I know she won't change in the future to really have a great life together, I still miss her and I know that is pathetic of me. I should be relieved that I am no longer having to worry about her finances and problems, but it's all the little things and intimacy we shared that she is now sharing with R that I'm letting beat me up. Too bad, I really thought we had it in the beginning.