Separation Anxiety

[Pleasant-Sage]

My wife and I have officially separated with our future being labeled as unknown. There's no other man or anything like that. She's got to get counseling for emotional abuse from her first marriage plus she's been dealing with depression and chronic back pain for over a year.

 

We had a really bad argument that brought her past front and center then she started dumping all that hatred onto me for several months causing additional arguments. It's like she felt the need to become this extremely independent person and downgraded our marriage back to us just dating each other again.

 

The whole concept is very strange to me. I don't know how to act or how much space to give her or myself. She says she still loves me but doesn't know if or when she'll be ready to come back. I'm not pressuring her to come up with a timeline either. Giving her too much space makes her ask why I haven't messaged her.

 

I started developing bouts of anxiety. I've order Kava Kava to temporarily help with that. I am aware of the need to be careful with Kava Kava as it can cause liver damage.

 

I had crippling anxiety when my first wife was tearing our family apart...to the point where I would hide under a bed. I had forgot about that until recently. Kava Kava pulled me out of that trench...it will pull me out of this one too.

 

Anyways, it just occurred to me that it's probably separation anxiety. Going from sharing the same bed with her for 3 years and daily caring for her needs to nothing at all left an enormous hole in my soul. I don't think I made that realization last time either.

 

It's more than likely that I'm partially codependent as well. 

 

Not sure I'm really looking for any advice with this confession but it is welcomed.

[K.K.]

You said you weren’t looking for advice- thank god because I don’t have any. 

 

I did want to say though, that after I saw your thread last night, I went to every website I could find looking at the benefits of kava kava. Checked out all of the reviews. Most all of them seemed to have had the same positive results as you. 

 

I wondered about the significance of the placebo effect in this informal study. 

 

I would give it a go, but my liver is already trying to recover from the 90’s. 

 

And what constitutes a “reputable” dealer. That in itself was too scary to think about. 

[Pleasant-Sage]

5 hours ago, K.K. said:

And what constitutes a “reputable” dealer. That in itself was too scary to think about. 

I ordered mine through Amazon and looked through the verified purchases to see feedback. There's a funny very personal review left by a woman. She said that it completely removed her PMS related emotions to the point that her period now sneaks up on her rather than becoming irritable and emotional days before she starts. Her talking about how it blew her mind cracked me up. 🤣

Edited December 27, 2019 by Pleasant-Sage

[schlumpy]

I recommend that you take charge of your marriage. You can't wait forever can you? Give her a timeline and start showing her you are serious by moving on. It's the only way you will get her attention and force her to come to some kind of resolution with whatever her problem is. If you don't, then expect to pedal that stationary bicycle for as long as she wants you to.

 

[K.K.]

4 hours ago, Pleasant-Sage said:

I ordered mine through Amazon and looked through the verified purchases to see feedback. There's a funny very personal review left by a woman. She said that it completely removed her PMS related emotions to the point that her period now sneaks up on her rather than becoming irritable and emotional days before she starts. Her talking about how it blew her mind cracked me up. 🤣

 

 

Whats it called? Which brand? Very curious. 

 

I also want to see her review. I’ve written some doozys in my time as well. It’s fun. You ought to try it. 

[Pleasant-Sage]

53 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I recommend that you take charge of your marriage. You can't wait forever can you? Give her a timeline and start showing her you are serious by moving on. It's the only way you will get her attention and force her to come to some kind of resolution with whatever her problem is. If you don't, then expect to pedal that stationary bicycle for as long as she wants you to.

 

 

Thanks for the input. The outcome you speak of has already occurred to me as being a likely possibility for this situation. It's reassuring to hear someone else confirm my suspicions.

 

I'm watching her to see what she does for the moment. I think space was needed to let the dust settle and she's going to require therapy to get her demons back under control. There is a plan in place but no timeline as of yet because neither of us know what to expect.

 

I also have to be ready to move on first before doing so otherwise I'll have my own regrets. That'll be easier to do and come sooner should she see this space as an opportunity to start up new relationships. We've both agreed not to do that. I can keep my word. Only time will tell if she can.

 

We both have our own kids to keep us preoccupied in the meantime.

[Pleasant-Sage]

5 hours ago, Pleasant-Sage said:

Her talking about how it blew her mind cracked me up. 🤣

I don't know if it was just my first impression or I combined her review with some other review in my head but after reading her review a second time. I think I need to apologize for sounding like I was exaggerating with the "mind blown" comment. It still makes me laugh but definitely not as funny to me now after reading it the second time around. Maybe that has something to do with the emotional roller coaster I'm on too?

 

 

[Pleasant-Sage]

For anyone wanting to know...

The kava kava worked great. When my pills came in, I took the first pill before I went to bed and could tell a pretty big difference the next morning. I will warn you that it doesn't 100% remove all the nasty emotions that you are feeling. If you are grieving, you will still need to go through the grieving process like anyone else. It did however remove my "doom and gloom" feeling and cleared my head a lot. 

Another problem that it didn't help with is my current problem of overthinking. I'm a problem-solver. So, I've continously been trying to strategize my situation to come up with a solution and it's not been working at all. As a result, naturally you get frustrated and start to feel hopeless and depressed.

I've finally come to terms with I've done everything within my power. So, there's nothing left to do other than accept things for what they are and leave her alone. I've offered her ways for us to spend time together but she's not acted on them so that's on her. 

I'm learning to be single again. Sleeping alone is starting to come easier. It will be a lot better once my new bed comes in and I can stop sleeping on the couch.

I can't wait for my new memory foam mattress! It blew my mind to learn they ship them in a box medium sized box to your house and they expand once you open them.

[K.K.]

46 minutes ago, Pleasant-Sage said:

For anyone wanting to know...

The kava kava worked great. When my pills came in, I took the first pill before I went to bed and could tell a pretty big difference the next morning. I will warn you that it doesn't 100% remove all the nasty emotions that you are feeling. If you are grieving, you will still need to go through the grieving process like anyone else. It did however remove my "doom and gloom" feeling and cleared my head a lot 

Another problem that it didn't help with is my current problem of overthinking. I'm a problem-solver. So, I've continously been trying to strategize my situation to come up with a solution and it's not been working at all. As a result, naturally you get frustrated and start to feel hopeless and depressed.

Ive finally come to terms with I've done everything within my power. So, there's nothing left to do other than accept things for what they are and leave her alone. I've offered her ways for us to spend time together but she's not acted on them so that's on her.

I'm learning to be single again. Sleeping alone is starting to come easier. It will be a lot better once my new bed comes in and I can stop sleeping on the couch.

can't wait for my new memory foam mattress! It blew my mind to learn they ship them in a box medium sized box to your house and they expand once you open them.

I was just wondering about you earlier today and how it was working for you! Sounds pretty promising. Any unpleasant side effects? 

I can imagine it’s a hard for you with the separation. I think what you said about leaving her alone for awhile would be a good choice. Sometimes it’s hard to miss someone if they don’t ... go away. 

I’ve seen those mattresses as well and how they ship them like that. I’m not a fan of the memory foam, I like to bounce around a bit. But I know many people do. I hope you enjoy it! 🙂 

 

[Pleasant-Sage]

1 hour ago, K.K. said:

Any unpleasant side effects? 

The only thing that might possibly be a side effect (or might not be related at all) is it seemed to amplify my body's reaction to caffeine? Maybe?

Before, I would drink lots of coffee...I had to majorly cut back and drink mostly water because I started getting jittery. That stopped though once I cut back on how much caffeine I was consuming.

[K.K.]

On 1/7/2020 at 10:07 PM, Pleasant-Sage said:

The only thing that might possibly be a side effect (or might not be related at all) is it seemed to amplify my body's reaction to caffeine? Maybe?

Before, I would drink lots of coffee...I had to majorly cut back and drink mostly water because I started getting jittery. That stopped though once I cut back on how much caffeine I was consuming.

I wonder ... I don’t drink coffee but I drink entirely too many Pepsi’s. The caffeine has no effect on me anymore so I’d probably be ok though. 

Did the bed come yet? Any news on the wife? 

Hope you’re well. 🙂 

[Pleasant-Sage]

1 hour ago, K.K. said:

Did the bed come yet? Any news on the wife? 

Hope you’re well. 🙂 

Bed still hasn't shipped. Probably be here next week.

Not really any news on the wife either. She's withdrawn and doesn't make any effort to talk or spend time with me. I believe she has done this to everyone. Symptom of the depression is my guess. I'm starting to wonder if she's bipolar because her decision making skills sounds exactly like someone with bipolar depression.

The only thing that doesn't exactly fit with that is the "mania" episodes. I couldn't really point to any of her past behavior and label it as such. So, there's no telling. 

As for me...I've emotionally stabilized. I let my 3 dogs sleep in the house last night with me. It took them forever to calm down because they were so excited. It was quite amusing.

My black lab (oldest) is completely house broken. She came from my first marriage. My beago (beagle/golden retriever) is at least halfway and the last one (great pyrenees mix) hasn't ever spent a whole lot of time inside. I was iffy about leaving them in all night but they did good. No accidents.

They have their own heated/insulated room outside with a doggy door so they typically stay outside. I made my kids help me wash them last weekend so they are still pretty clean too.

[K.K.]

18 hours ago, Pleasant-Sage said:

Not really any news on the wife either. 

As for me...I've emotionally stabilized. 

That’s good to hear. It always seemed to me that if I could just get through those first few weeks or so, those thoughts of longing and the emotional upheaval was very much minimized. What is it they say ... 3 weeks makes a habit? How long has it been. I must’ve missed that part somewhere. 

This doesn’t seem like a done deal to me though. The marriage. I’m familiar with depression. Sometimes you just can’t handle anything at all and need to flee as to not hurt people. You can’t give them the support they need when you’re fighting your own demons, after all. 

Doesn’t sound like bi-polar to me at all. I’m no doctor of course, but you’d recognize the mania- trust me. Are you positive there’s no one else in the picture for her?

Give her space like you have been and concentrate on yourself and your kids. 

The thing about the dogs made me smile. 🙂 

Kk