Broke up, Now she's pregnant with Rebound...

[HopelessRomantic87]

My girlfriend and I were living together for almost 3 years, she wanted to get married, I couldn't commit at the time, we broke up for space, she met a guy on tinder as a rebound, he got her pregnant within 3 weeks, and now she says she still loves me but doesn't know what to do. She said the right thing to do is to try to stay with the father, but she doesn't love him. I love her, I miss her, and I want her back. Here's my story... what should I do?

 

I was in a serious relationship with a girl for almost 3 years, and we lived together in a house for the last 2.5 years. We broke up earlier this year in April 2019 as we felt we became roommates. We agreed that we both loved and cared for each other, but she wanted to get married and I was hesitant so I pushed her away. She then lived with me until July 2019 when she met another guy, and then she moved out and got an apartment. Within weeks, I immediately regretted my decision. I felt as though a piece of me was gone, and my life was incomplete. I love her, we never fought, we both had great jobs and education, we were on each other's level, we loved our cats, and we didn't stress each other out - it just felt natural. One thing that I didn't like is that she was a big drinker and also on bi polar medication. I didn't like that she wasn't taking care of herself, and she would forget things sometimes which made me feel like I shouldn't marry her. Regardless, when she moved out, I looked past all that. I said to myself that I love her, and through sickness and health, I want to be with her and be there for her.

At first, she said I needed to move on and she was over it. I thought this was weird, so I continued to call and text throughout August and September. Then, late September she told me she was pregnant. The guy she met got her pregnant in July only 3 weeks after they met each other. Very similar to when she met me, she was very sexually active with him, but she said she was drunk and didn't realize that he wasn't using a condom. She told me about it, said that she still loved me, but told me that she couldn't be with me. I was heartbroken even more. This could've been my child, and I really wish it was! We would make excellent parents.

 

In late October 2019, she finally agreed to meet me. We started talking more on the phone and hanging out, and she said that she had feelings for me and loved me, but didn't want to rush into anything. I was foolish, and I started pushing her and asking why she can't just choose me if she loves me. This was a great mistake. We continued to hang out for about a month, and then in the beginning of December I let me feelings out and told her that I really want to be with her, I miss her, and I asked what I can do to get her back. I know this is breaking all of the rules, but I couldn't help it. She began to shut down. She still answered my phone calls, but she stopped pursuing me with calls and texts. Our conversations became more short, and I noticed she wasn't as flirty with me.

Last week she came over to my apartment, and she said that I was stressing her out. She said I was pushing and chasing, and it wasn't working for me. She said she couldn't make her mind on if she wants to stay with the father or get back with me. She said she loves me and knows I have a lot to offer, but she doesn't know how to tell the father that she doesn't want to raise the child with him.  She also said that it hurts her to see me so sad, and maybe she should wait to break up with the father before reaching back out to me. I think this would be even more difficult for me. He has already asked her to marry him and move in with her, and she's told him no to both. I do believe that she loves me, but I also think that she's in a jam as she does have morals and wants to to the right thing. I have a great career with over $80k in liquid savings with no debt, but she doesn't seem to be interested that I can take care of her financially.

Have I pushed her away and blown my chances? Ladies - if you were 22 weeks pregnant, not in love with the father, still love your ex, but under a lot of pressure and not sure what to do - how would you be feeling and how should I react? She told me multiple times she wants to take it slow, and I didn't do a good job. After she told me I stressed her out, I decided to give her some space. We haven't talked since last Thursday, and she has not texted me or called me. I was thinking of calling her after Christmas just to see how her Christmas was and try to keep the conversation light. Thoughts?

Edited December 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed formatting

[LivingWaterPlease]

If you're ever going to be with her you're going to have to back off and wait for her to contact you.  Chances are great this relationship with her new guy isn't going to work for her. But it seems she believes it's best to be with the father of her baby. Give her time and space. She needs to miss you.

 

=

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How old are you?

 

I guarantee 5 years from now, strapped down with a bi-polar woman who drinks too much and has a child who isn't yours, you'll be second guessing wanting to get back together.  Children add a whole new layer of stress to relationships even if the child is biologically yours.  Add another baby daddy into the mix.....why do you want back into this drama?

[mark clemson]

^^^^ Very much agree. You may love her and indeed want to help her, but despite how you feel, from an outside perspective she is looking like a trainwreck. People who are trainwrecks tend to turn those who love them's lives into trainwrecks as well.

 

If you end it with her and find someone new with fewer problems, I suspect that in a few years you will look back and be very glad indeed you walked away.

 

IF you re-engage with her, strongly consider speaking to an attorney. I believe that in a few places there might be laws sticking you with child support if you become a "father" to the kid. So this would be just to make sure that doesn't happen. Many family attorney's will give free 1/2 hour consults, so you might take advantage of that.

 

The other thing, you probably don't want to marry this woman for many years if ever, as you don't want to be stuck paying child support if she then divorces.

 

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Dude, think about it, she let some dude go raw off Tinder... This was her plan all along, except now the whole thing is real.

 

Honestly, this is such a common thing to happen man, I know TONS of dudes that break it off and their ex gets pregnant by rebound, it happens all the time man.

 

By the way, pushing for marriage on her end is a bad look in 2019. Marriage is archaic and unnecessary... Like most people do not understand that marriage is the biggest legally binding choice they will ever make in their whole life. Personally, the only woman I would ever consider marrying is one with a lot of money and my intent is absolutely nefarious, make no doubt about it.

 

This is the other thing, there are a lot of women who still DIE in childbirth... Many more have one child and CANNOT have anymore! "Well, the right thing to do would be to stay with the father" so basically your dealing with a woman who thinks she should risk her life, the life of another and potentially her ability to reproduce, for some guy she don't even love!? RUN AWAY DUDE!!!!

 

For you, this is probably the best thing that could of happened. Ghost her, no contact, no nothing, just look forward and proceed.

[schlumpy]

Your guardian angel was looking out for you when you broke up with this woman. Don't screw it up by getting a serious case of "White Knight Syndrome." You can't fix her. A woman who leaves a man she professes to love and is pregnant with another mans child within 3 weeks of the breakup is not a person concerned about morals.

 

This is a free pass to the rest of your life. Don't throw it away because you "think" you would make a great parent. Save that for your own children.

[RecentChange]

Your relationship was already built not to last. 

 

After 3 very short years you felt like roommates?

 

I can only imagine what life would look like after 30 years of mental illness struggles, substance abuse, an illegitimate child.

 

I don't know any on again off again couples that made it in the long run. The first test of a long term relationship is being able to work out problems TOGETHER the fact that you two couldn't? Huge red flag.

 

The fact that she moved out - that she could imagine a life without you. That she could just go find an apartment rather than doing EVERYTHING in her power to work things out with you HUGE RED FLAG.

 

Add mental illness...

 

Add substance abuse....

 

Add the INCREDIBLE stress of a child, sleepless nights, non stop responsibility, huge costs, stress stress - and the baby isn't yours?! But rather "some dude off of Tinder"?

 

Sr.... That sounds like signing up for a hellish situation to me. 

 

You two couldn't work out living together. I don't think trying to make this work with random dudes baby makes any sense at all.

 

Have you told friends and family about this? Do they think it's a good idea to try to get her back, and raise another man's baby when you couldn't even commit to marriage before?

[Mrin]

Nope. Just nope. Move along and count your blessings. 

[HopelessRomantic87]

On 12/26/2019 at 11:09 PM, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

How old are you?

 

I guarantee 5 years from now, strapped down with a bi-polar woman who drinks too much and has a child who isn't yours, you'll be second guessing wanting to get back together.  Children add a whole new layer of stress to relationships even if the child is biologically yours.  Add another baby daddy into the mix.....why do you want back into this drama?

We are both 32 years old.

I actually really wanted to marry her the first year and half we were together, and I honestly don't know why I just didn't commit at the time when she wanted me to. I worried about her self destructive behavior by drinking heavily and mixing bi polar medication, and that is why I was OK with the break up earlier this year. She said that she's learned her lesson about not drinking so much (obviously now that she's pregnant) and she feels much better, and that she thinks she will quit drinking indefinitely to focus on taking care of her daughter. That is much more attractive to me since all I really wanted was for her to stop getting drunk every night. We also had a really good sex life, and now she's telling me she's 'A-Sexual,' feels gross, and doesn't think about sex at all which also worries me. I do worry she might not be the same woman. It's a damn shame this had to happen to us.... she was on birth control and I always used a condom... apparently the heavy drinking/meds maybe made the birth control less effective?

At this point the reason why I want to get back in the drama is because I truly love her. She means a lot to me, and she inspired me to be the best version of myself. I'm so bored without her and miss being with her. I know it sounds cliche, but I really think she was a perfect fit for me. Even our parents wanted us to get married and I was stubborn about it.

Edited December 28, 2019 by HopelessRomantic87
wording

[HopelessRomantic87]

8 hours ago, RecentChange said:

Your relationship was already built not to last. 

 

After 3 very short years you felt like roommates?

 

I can only imagine what life would look like after 30 years of mental illness struggles, substance abuse, an illegitimate child.

 

I don't know any on again off again couples that made it in the long run. The first test of a long term relationship is being able to work out problems TOGETHER the fact that you two couldn't? Huge red flag.

 

The fact that she moved out - that she could imagine a life without you. That she could just go find an apartment rather than doing EVERYTHING in her power to work things out with you HUGE RED FLAG.

 

Add mental illness...

 

Add substance abuse....

 

Add the INCREDIBLE stress of a child, sleepless nights, non stop responsibility, huge costs, stress stress - and the baby isn't yours?! But rather "some dude off of Tinder"?

 

Sr.... That sounds like signing up for a hellish situation to me. 

 

You two couldn't work out living together. I don't think trying to make this work with random dudes baby makes any sense at all.

 

Have you told friends and family about this? Do they think it's a good idea to try to get her back, and raise another man's baby when you couldn't even commit to marriage before?

Yes, I've told my friends and family, and she's also told her friends and family. My family has told me that it will be difficult, but they just want me to be happy. Her family told her that they love me, I'm a good guy, and I would be a good addition to the family. However, they are also telling her that it is her choice and they don't want to sway her one way or the other. I did talk to her this morning, and she said she is just taking it day by day for now. She went to his families Christmas, and she said she didn't enjoy herself. They were pressuring her into living together, and she told me that she told them no. Since she moved in with me only after 3 months of being with me, I'm hopeful that she truly doesn't love this guy and does not plan to stay with him. I know this is a complete mess, but I feel as though I'll regret it more if I don't try to get her back.

[HopelessRomantic87]

9 hours ago, Solitarysoul said:

How cab contact you through private message.. i think your story looks like what my brother experienced.. he got her back eventually. I think you could use the means he used. 

I don't know how to do private message on here, but I'm interested in hearing what your brother did

[assertives]

On 12/27/2019 at 12:36 PM, HopelessRomantic87 said:

Ladies - if you were 22 weeks pregnant, not in love with the father, still love your ex, but under a lot of pressure and not sure what to do - how would you be feeling and how should I react? 

I think this question depends on the individual. Personally, if I ever find myself in such a position, I would not get back with my ex, especially if the reason we broke up was because he didn't want marriage and commitment, but I did. Some things such as different life goals, kids and religion are immediate deal-breakers and have no compromise. For the sake of my unborn child, I would basically give the father and us a chance, get to know each other better and see if we could build a relationship and marriage from there. I have quite a few examples in my circle of friends and acquaintances who went on to forge meaningful, lasting relationships and marriages with someone who was a rebound initially, so I don't have such as much negative connotations as many who seem to have with the idea of rebound relationships.

As for your case, I really feel you should back off and let her decide on her own. The situation now no longer just affects the 2 or 3 of you, but a child is now involved in the picture. You shouldn't be influencing her choices, telling her not to marry him or move in with him. Let her make that decision herself, what she feels is a good choice for her own child. It is a decision that will ultimately affect hers and her unborn child's lives, and it is certainly not yours to make.

Edited December 28, 2019 by assertives

[Purepony]

Yeah this sounds like something I was involved in and trust me it doesn’t get better or easier. 
 

if you really have your act together like you say you do, you shouldn’t be too concerned about this woman, she’s obviously playing you because she’s here and she’s there, she’s just using you as a safety net in case her other situation doesn’t work out. 
 

She knows exactly what she’s doing and she’s playing you the only way she knows how and it’s because you’re letting her. 
 

right now there is no family, the only family she has is her and her kid, you would just be an accessory. 
 

Honestly I know it’s a tough situation to be in because like I said I was in a similar one but trust me once you’re out of this you’re gonna wake up and realize that this was for the best, her life is only going to become more dramatic more challenging more difficult and you’re going to be at the center of it all. 
 

things happen for a reason but look at all the ingredients..? It’s a recipe for disaster 

 

good luck and I really hope you can flee from this mess fast! 

[d0nnivain]

There were valid reasons you could not commit:  Her drug & alcohol dependence for one, the bipolar & her now dislike of sex.   Your subconscious knew that you could not marry her because she was broken & unfit.  The issues are multiplying not going away.    Now she has gotten herself pregnant but you don't mention that the booze & drugs stopped.  My heart breaks for the baby. 

You may think you love her but I think you really just fear change.  The Devil you know, her., seems better then being alone at 32.  It's not.  

You cannot take responsibility for this unborn child.  You will grow to resent the kid for the circumstances of it's conception.  The child will be a living reminder of the darkest time in your relationship.   

In her shoes, I'd be begging for you back because you are a life raft while her whole world is sinking.  But you can't save her.  If you try, you will sink yourself.  

Wish her well & move forward to a healthier relationship with a new person.  You don't see it yet but you dodged a bullet here.  

[2BGoodAgain]

let her go.

she's not just thinking about herself, she's thinking about her child.

as for how she feels about the father of that child... honestly, he might be the rebound, but some rebounds becomes more, though most don't.

in either case, you might have messed up not choosing her, but that's the consequences. B/c this is what you have to realize

1) even IF she chooses you, the father of that baby will always be in your life. Can you deal with this? and the potential drama of her interacting with him, with possible reconnects, etc...

2) even IF she chooses you, that baby won't be yours. the decisions on that child will be up to her and HIM. NOT you.

3) She's trying to sort out her feelings; if it was simply she loved you, it honestly wouldn't matter who's child it is... she'd choose you. But the reality is, she's not sure about you anymore... it could be a temporary hurt feelings from being rejected to long term, she doesn't think you're right for her anymore.

4) people don't feel pressured/pushed/bothered by people they're in love with... no offense to others who think otherwise, but if she feels like you're bothering her... and need "space"... you're the wrong person.

5) do you REALLY want to be with her, or how she makes you feel? 

[d0nnivain]

Remember, the baby's father is never going away.  Do you really want to deal with him for the rest of your life?  Every event -- birthday, Christmas, graduation etc. -- the rebound guy will be there as the child's bio father.  

[Rockdad]

Now she says she is A-sexual?  Put the stress of a kid on top of that my friend is the ingredients for a sexless relationship or marriage. I can tell you living with someone and sex isn't available to you year after year except for a time or two every several months to shut you up bends the mind. Consider getting back out socially if your bored.

[GingerGal]

On 12/28/2019 at 1:55 AM, HopelessRomantic87 said:

I actually really wanted to marry her the first year and half we were together, and I honestly don't know why I just didn't commit at the time when she wanted me to. I worried about her self destructive behavior by drinking heavily and mixing bi polar medication, and that is why I was OK with the break up earlier this year. She said that she's learned her lesson about not drinking so much (obviously now that she's pregnant) and she feels much better, and that she thinks she will quit drinking indefinitely to focus on taking care of her daughter. That is much more attractive to me since all I really wanted was for her to stop getting drunk every night. We also had a really good sex life, and now she's telling me she's 'A-Sexual,' feels gross, and doesn't think about sex at all which also worries me. I do worry she might not be the same woman. It's a damn shame this had to happen to us.... she was on birth control and I always used a condom... apparently the heavy drinking/meds maybe made the birth control less effective?

Then why did she not get pregnant with your child if you've had a really good sex life & been together 3 / 2.5 years hmm? 

Alcohol doesn't actually reduce the effectiveness of birth control. Common myth. Certain medications - in particular certain antibiotics, anti-convulsants & antidepressants  - reduces effectiveness of birth control. I only saw mention of bi-polar meds but if she was on something that reduced effectiveness I'd expect something prior to this issue. 

 

On 12/26/2019 at 11:36 PM, HopelessRomantic87 said:

At first, she said I needed to move on and she was over it. I thought this was weird, so I continued to call and text throughout August and September. Then, late September she told me she was pregnant. The guy she met got her pregnant in July only 3 weeks after they met each other. Very similar to when she met me, she was very sexually active with him, but she said she was drunk and didn't realize that he wasn't using a condom. She told me about it, said that she still loved me, but told me that she couldn't be with me. I was heartbroken even more. This could've been my child, and I really wish it was! We would make excellent parents.

 

 

There's something called the pill. You mentioned she used it with you. Thing is, is most pharmacies carry Plan B which works upwards of 48 hours after unprotected sex to reduce the chances of pregnancy. She potentially didn't use birth control and she certainly didn't seek secondary precautions. 

And no she wouldn't make for an excellent parent. She's reduced, hasn't stopped, her substance abuse. Wanna know what I work with by profession? Addicts which includes any substance abuse not just narcotics or illegals but also prescription drugs (like bi polar meds as readily available on the street as your walk in pharmacy some places). 

 

On 12/26/2019 at 11:36 PM, HopelessRomantic87 said:

Last week she came over to my apartment, and she said that I was stressing her out. She said I was pushing and chasing, and it wasn't working for me. She said she couldn't make her mind on if she wants to stay with the father or get back with me. She said she loves me and knows I have a lot to offer, but she doesn't know how to tell the father that she doesn't want to raise the child with him.  She also said that it hurts her to see me so sad, and maybe she should wait to break up with the father before reaching back out to me. I think this would be even more difficult for me. He has already asked her to marry him and move in with her, and she's told him no to both. I do believe that she loves me, but I also think that she's in a jam as she does have morals and wants to to the right thing. I have a great career with over $80k in liquid savings with no debt, but she doesn't seem to be interested that I can take care of her financially.
 

Don't kid yourself about the salary. She lived the life of riley on it for potentially 3 years. 

If she had morals, after all, she'd tell you to get lost. Here's a guy who is willing to commit - the issue that you guys broke up about - with what is more or less a stranger. Makes him more favorable than you by a long shot in that regard. Sure marriage would be far too fast but even dating & building on a relationship with him raising the child would certainly be easier than the "third wheel" relationship of you, her & baby's daddy. 

 

On 12/26/2019 at 11:36 PM, HopelessRomantic87 said:

We also had a really good sex life, and now she's telling me she's 'A-Sexual,' feels gross, and doesn't think about sex at all which also worries me. I do worry she might not be the same woman.

How much do you know about pregnancy? The average (not all, average) woman pregnant around the 22 week mark is interested in more sex. She's telling you she finds it gross but that doesn't mean she's saying the same thing to baby's daddy. 

 

All in all she sounds more like a headache than anything. 

1) Continued substance abuse which will likely increase once the child is born. If she had such issues (nightly heavy drinking, etc.) trying to cope with life & just the two of you a baby's gonna turn her world upside down. 

2) Baby's daddy. Don't think because she comes back that he's out of the picture. If he's willing to commit he's likely gonna want a say in baby's life. So that's a constant reminder of a guy she slept with, had a baby with, etc. And potential temptation for her on any drunk-as-a-skunk night. 

3) Relates to #2. She may come to see you as a "doormat". In her mind she may come to see it as this: if you're willing to raise another man's child then you'll be forgiving of any & all affairs, right? 

 

Do yourself, her, the baby & the baby's daddy a favour. 

 

Find a nice girl & ask her for a date. The "ship" has sailed on this one.