Saw my husband cry - Do I need a therapist?

[Gothis6]

Hello,

English is not my native language. Sorry for any mistakes.

I am with a guy who has ptsd and typically he is coping well. He the kind of guy who is always self- possessed, calm. Not very emotional guy, strong guy.

 

But a while ago he was feeling very unwell and he was acting out of character for a while. Several times he needed to cry and I remember one time when he was crying and shaking and said he didn’t want those memories any more and his eyes looked right through me. He looked right through me like seeing something far away.

 

That was then and now he is much better... but I really cannot forget about that. I cannot forget about seeing him like this.

I never discussed it with him. I am afraid to hurt his feelings. I considered talking to a therapist. I talked to him just five minutes ago, asked him that I considered seeing a therapist. He asked me why and I said I might tell him later (we only talked for two minutes). He seemed sort of puzzled. What would you do?

[K.K.]

So let me get this straight ... YOU need a therapist for yourSELF because you saw your husband, who has PTSD - CRY. 

 

For real though, I’ve felt more compassion coming from the drive through lady at McDonalds who tells ya that they’re all out of sweet tea. 

[Gothis6]

I have been there for him all of the time when he was unwell. I never told him seeing him like this had a negative effect on me but it did. It is something I cannot forget about.

[lana-banana]

This seems so unkind I'm wondering whether something was lost in translation. At this point all you know is your husband is coping with some kind of trauma. Your immediate reaction should be about whether HE needs therapy, not whether YOU need therapy for having to witness his negative emotions. You're being incredibly selfish.

 

You are also going to hurt your husband even more. If you tell him that the sight of his tears had such a negative effect on you that you need therapy, he will just try even harder to hide his real emotions from you, which isn't healthy. It's also not fair. Part of marriage is supporting your partner when they're sad or struggling. 

 

Please talk to your husband about whether HE would like to talk to a professional. Therapists can help people handle bad memories. Also ask if he would like to talk to you about his memories. You are his wife and he needs to be able to confide in you when he's hurting. It doesn't matter if you don't like it when he cries. His pain is not about you. 

[elaine567]

Yes, go see a therapist.

Quote

 Family members of people with PTSD can suffer from secondary stress and experience some of the same debilitating effects as PTSD. They may experience depression, anxiety, and even substance abuse.
Attempting to cope with the challenges of caring for a loved one with PTSD can bring on those symptoms. Here

Are there any PTSD support groups in your area, you may be able to get some support for yourself there.

[Gothis6]

@lanabanana Of course my husband needed therapy and he was seeing a therapist and still is seeing a therapist. I encouraged that. I tried to support him and when he was crying of course I did not tell him, that he was making me sad but I told him that I love him and everything was gonna be alright and of course I told him he could talk about everything with me.

 

@elaine567 Yes, there are. Actually I dropped out of one because of a personal conflict with other members but also found it very helpful. 

Edited December 27, 2019 by Gothis6

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My sister is in weekly therapy to help her cope with her husband, who is self-diagnosed with C-PTSD (and refuses to get actual help for it).  

 

Living with someone with PTSD can certainly be stressful, so sometimes therapy is a good idea, but if you are talking about this one incident only, you may need therapy for other issues.....it seems abnormal to be that effected by that one event.  

[schlumpy]

36 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

My sister is in weekly therapy to help her cope with her husband, who is self-diagnosed with C-PTSD (and refuses to get actual help for it).  

 

 

That was my take on it. That she would see a therapist and get some advice for coping with his problem. I understand that his outburst frightened her just as she would have been frightened if he had flown into a maniacal rage. The fright is the impetus to seek answers through a therapist which seems a reasonable approach and not unkind at all or selfish in that she's making an effort to find a solution.

 

[lana-banana]

The context you provided is very helpful. Your initial post made it sound like this was the first time this had ever happened, so I thought it was premature for you to go to therapy yourself. However, if your husband is already working with a therapist and you feel profoundly affected by his struggles, then yes, by all means seek a therapist yourself. These things can affect family members too. It's most important that you both have the resources you need.

[Gothis6]

Thanks for your answer, everybody! I have got a question. Do you think it is possible to tell him? Should I do this? Or will this hurt his feelings?

[ExpatInItaly]

Can you be more specific as to the negative effects this is having on you, OP?

 

I’m not clear what sort of thoughts or emotions seeing him cry has triggered in you. 

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Gothis6 said:

But a while ago he was feeling very unwell and he was acting out of character for a while. Several times he needed to cry and I remember one time when he was crying and shaking and said he didn’t want those memories any more and his eyes looked right through me. He looked right through me like seeing something far away.

 

That was then and now he is much better... but I really cannot forget about that. I cannot forget about seeing him like this.

I never discussed it with him. I am afraid to hurt his feelings. I considered talking to a therapist. I talked to him just five minutes ago, asked him that I considered seeing a therapist. He asked me why and I said I might tell him later (we only talked for two minutes). He seemed sort of puzzled. What would you do?

Blanking out sounds like ptsd dissociation.   

 

If you're married you should learn how to be supportive of your husband while practicing self-care. 

 

Therapy will help you understand better and give you the tools you need.

 

Your husband may not be outwardly emotional but he's having to navigate a labyrinth of emotions on a daily basis, I bet.

 

Don't try to solve anything for him, just show him that you care. 

[Gothis6]

@ExpatInItalyThis is difficult to explain.

Typically he is such a level-headed guy, stoic, you know? It was not only because he cried but also because he had such a look in his face, looked right through me - as if there was something far away he was looking at. That look in his face. It looked like the facial expression of a crazy person. It made me afraid that he would lose it and become mentally ill, I mean not ptsd but really mentally ill.

This was long ago when he was feeling bad. This is not now.

However it scared me. For me this felt like he was not in charge/in control of the situation.

[preraph]

I think first you just need to really read up on PTSD so you understand it.  This is a condition that wears you down and wears you out and makes you feel powerless and hopeless at times. It's miserable because you can't control it.  He's weary.  He can get his resultant depression treated to manage it better, but it won't make the PTSD just do away.  Please just be sure you've read all about it.  Don't make him feel bad for letting his feelings out, please.  He has a big problem he has to just live with.  

[Brennan72]

This is something a lot of married guys worry about

 

That our wives will think less of us, or even leave us, if we show any weakness, and certainly if we cry. 

 

I think I only seriously cried one time in front of my wife, when I was very ill and the doctors couldn't figure out a solution (it has since resolved). It bothers me hugely to this day that I did that. My wife made some remark at the time to a mutual friend which amounted to "if this keeps up I will leave him". She has since denied making that remark, but ...

 

so I'm sure your husband doesn't want to be reminded that he lost his cool. 

 

The bigger issue is the PTSD. That is going to require some therapy, or he is going to need to talk to someone about it--probably one of his male friends.

 

he can't talk to you about it

[Gothis6]

@preraph He is much better now. He still has ptsd and we have been told he probably always will have ptsd but he copes much better now. I do not want to make him feel bad. That is not the reason why I want to talk to him. Not at all. In fact I fear making him feel bad. It’s really the last thing I would want to do.

I did read a lot about PTSD but if somebody has more reading suggestions: that’s always welcome. Especially on combat ptsd. I am trying to learn as much as possible about it.

[Gothis6]

@Brennan72 So sorry. I think you got me wrong. He can talk to me. I won’t think lesser of him. He can also cry. I do not think lesser of him. I did not think lesser of him. I was only very worried and it stressed me.

If he wants to talk - that’s good.

[Brennan72]

7 minutes ago, Gothis6 said:

@Brennan72 So sorry. I think you got me wrong. He can talk to me. I won’t think lesser of him. He can also cry. I do not think lesser of him. I did not think lesser of him. I was only very worried and it stressed me.

If he wants to talk - that’s good.

 

I think men can occasionally be vulnerable and open with women, but a guy should never cry or show weakness to a women.

 

It sucks, but that is the way the world works. If a guy shows weakness, he might be unreliable or lose status, and if that happens, his wife or lover is likely to monkey-branch to another guy. 

 

And while we can sometimes talk to our wives about personal matters or "deep issues" it typically isn't a good idea. Men should talk to other men about these matters (or maybe a pastor / imam, etc.). A vast majority of women simply don't want to hear it. To them, men are human doings, not human beings. We are not there to talk or be taken care of: we are there to provide. 

[preraph]

Gothis, I had noncombat PTSD, not even as bad as what he's got, and I can tell you it involves depression, and more than that, rage and the constant annoyance of repeating thoughts and being jumpy and nervous.  Even with noncombat ptsd, I was jumpy!  People assume it's because it's the bad memory of combat, but it's actually because you can't stop living in your head and so someone coming up on you or interrupting when that's going on is like being suddenly awakened and you jump.  I'm glad he's on antidepressants.  

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If you were able to support your husband as best as you could in that moment, that is good, but I can tell you from having PTSD myself and working with people who have had it in the past, tears are really not that big of a deal in the whole scope of the PTSD game... Like if you are struggling with witnessing him crying, you may want to consider how you would feel if his behavior escalated beyond that.

[Gothis6]

@preraph @CAPSLOCK BANDITMy husband always had ptsd. He always had symptoms from that for example hypervigilance is a big problem for him. He was always like that and I know his hypervigilance inside out - and I understand it that he just wants to protect the ones he loves. It is something I have known about for a long time and it never scared me.

I also understand that he has a fitness/gym addiction. While this might sound funny for the outsider it is not fun for him.

He always struggles with insomnia. He never sleeps through the night.

I understand all those things but I did not understand his tears while he was acting so out of character.

 

My best friend, for example, cries all of the time. I saw her cry a thousand times and Never felt scared because it is typical for them. My mother too. In understand why they cry. This is just how they act.

But my husband - this is not what he is like. This was very scary.

Edited December 28, 2019 by Gothis6

[Gothis6]

Of course men are human beings to me - and to most other women too. I saw my brother cry, it did not scare me - but when my husband cried it was different because that is not who he is. This is not how he acts.

Of course I tried all I could to help him but at the same time I was very scared: What if he snaps? What if he ends up like a guy who can never find peace again in his life. What if those memories start to hurt him so badly that he cannot cope?

It felt like he was going to a dark place - and I couldn’t be with him. I was physically there but I couldn’t enter that place. Only vets can.

[preraph]

You say your husband has a fitness gym addiction, so I just want you to do a little sleuthing and be sure he's not taking steroids.  They can really cause a LOT of problems.  The fact you said it was an addiction, those are the types who will be tempted to take steroids to pump themselves up.  It can cause all types of problems, violence, sex, temper, you name it.  So look in his gym bag and through his stuff and write down any meds you don't recognize or don't look like they're from a pharmacy . There is a whole world of street names for these drugs and a big black market for them.  Look up anything that has a name on google.  If it has no name on the bottle, see if there's anything printed on the pill and note the shape of the pill and see if you can find it in PDR.  I'm just saying it's a possibility you should eliminate.  Maybe if you asked him, he'd even tell you if he's tried them, but I would do the sleuthing first and then ask later so he doesn't hide them. 

Edited December 28, 2019 by preraph

[Gothis6]

@preraph I really do hope that he is to smart use steroids. He knows that they are bad for your health and mentioned he cannot understand why people use them.

When he felt so bad - that was a time ago, circa 18 month I think. I do not think there is any way how I can find out now if he was taking steroids then... but I doubt it. He is not that stupid. To be honest I think ptsd caused this, not steroids.

Now he is feeling much better.

I would feel a bit horrible to do some sleuthing on him but I might do it nevertheless. Just to be on the safe side.

Edited December 28, 2019 by Gothis6

[fishlips]

It's good for him to cry. It would be worse if he kept his emotions bottled up inside. Is he embarrassed that you saw him? It would probably be good for you two to go to therapy together if he is okay with that. You would get some support on how to support him, and he would be able to confide in you without becoming uncomfortable himself.

This is something that you have to work on together. By all means, tell him you saw him crying and ask how you can help. He might get embarrassed or defensive, but assure him that you don't think less of him.