Your new gf/bf is cheating on a previous partner: what to do?

[lif3sci]

I just want people's opinion on this and how men view this versus women.

 

Scenario 1:
You have a gf/bf of more than 1 year. You fall in love with someone else. 
Do you breakup and go for the new person?
Do you cheat first partner until you've secured a solid connection with new lover?

Why?

 

Scenario 2:
You are dating a girl/guy and find out he/she is cheating on a partner who've been together for more than 1 year. 
Do you break up? 
Accept the cheater as is? 
Force them to choose one?

Why?

---------

Also, please share what you think men and women in general would do in these situations.

Thanks.

[PegNosePete]

1: If you are a decent human being then you do not cheat. It is not a morally good thing to do. A decent person will split up with a current partner before starting a relationship with a new one.

 

2: I would dump them instantly. If they are cheating on their partner with me, then they are also cheating on me with their partner. I would not accept a cheater under any circumstances.

 

I feel your questions are really obvious and any decent person would clearly know the answers, I wonder why you are asking this? You're basically just asking if cheating is OK. No, cheating is not OK just as the sky is blue and the Pope is Catholic.

 

[lif3sci]

21 minutes ago, PegNosePete said:

 

I feel your questions are really obvious and any decent person would clearly know the answers, I wonder why you are asking this? You're basically just asking if cheating is OK. No, cheating is not OK just as the sky is blue and the Pope is Catholic.

 

I asked this question elsewhere and got mixed answers. Some common answers were:

 

- 90% of women will cheat and won't admit it.

- 90% of men will cheat, some will admit it.

- most women will stay in a relationship even if they don't love their partner, just to avoid loneliness. And they will cheat if a better opportunity arises, and cheat until they've secured a solid connection (in order to avoid the risk of losing both companions).

- most men and women are always looking for something better; will not make sacrifices if someone better appears.

- some men will forgive the cheaters and accept them.

- most women will give the cheater an ultimatum (me or her).

- most men will breakup with the cheater (following the thought of "once a cheater, always a cheater).

 

I'm not asking what "should be" done. Not asking about morals, rather what people "would do" in reality.

Edited December 27, 2019 by lif3sci

[schlumpy]

It depends on who you are and what you believe as to how you react. Knowingly dating someone that is already in a relationship just adds a lot of unneeded complications and usually doom the relationship form the start. It's much better to be free and clear although there will always be past GF's or BF's that can reemerge. I always figure if she's cheating on him then she will cheat on me. That's always held true in my experience.

 

The list you supplied of human relationship behaviors is probably valid. I would not know how to measure it though because people lie so much in these surveys. It's more entertainment then hard science. Still, somehow we muddle through.

 

[PRW]

Monkey Branching is a fact of life.  It is not broadly considered cheating because it is only solidifying the new situation before letting go of the old one,...and it doesn't always involve sex.

Both do it, but it is more common among women. Some research says it is because women have more opportunity, which implies the guy they are doing it with is probably doing it with more than one woman. So most guys don't because they can't (lack of opportunity), but the guys who do,...do it a lot.

[BaileyB]

Indeed, the answers to your questions seem pretty obvious to me.

 

What I have learned from this site how’re, what I consider to be common decency in a relationship is not always all that common...

[PRW]

On 12/27/2019 at 9:58 AM, BaileyB said:

What I have learned from this site how’re, what I consider to be common decency in a relationship is not always all that common...

Don't go over to Reddit,...you'll go blind or something.  It is really bad, especially in the late teen to early 20 age range.  You read what goes on there and you'll not only never let your kids leave the yard, you won't even let them out of the basement.  I'm busier over there than here, but I've had to grow a thicker skin.  I come back over here and feel like I'm dealing with Victorian fuddie-duddies.

[mark clemson]

I think the ethical thing to do in both scenarios is to end it. End the initial relationship before you start the new one in scenario 1 and walk away from the cheating person in scenario 2.

Easier said than done and people certainly don't always do the ethical thing in life, myself included.

[Gaeta]

On 12/27/2019 at 7:07 AM, lif3sci said:

I asked this question elsewhere and got mixed answers. Some common answers were:

 

- 90% of women will cheat and won't admit it.

- 90% of men will cheat, some will admit it.

- most women will stay in a relationship even if they don't love their partner, just to avoid loneliness. And they will cheat if a better opportunity arises, and cheat until they've secured a solid connection (in order to avoid the risk of losing both companions).

- most men and women are always looking for something better; will not make sacrifices if someone better appears.

- some men will forgive the cheaters and accept them.

- most women will give the cheater an ultimatum (me or her).

- most men will breakup with the cheater (following the thought of "once a cheater, always a cheater).

 

I'm not asking what "should be" done. Not asking about morals, rather what people "would do" in reality.

Your statistics are off.

50% women cheat

65% men cheat

Sure 'some' people with cheat, monkey branch, avoid loneliness, forgive cheaters, give ultimatums, etc.

I am a woman and here are my answers to your questions:

* I did forgive cheating and I will never again

* I do not cheat, never did never will, it's called integrity,  and I do not develop feelings for other people while in a relationship. 

* I am not afraid of being alone or lonely. 

 

[PRW]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

50% women cheat

65% men cheat

Interesting. It does seem more reasonable then both at 90%

But it doesn't look as good for women as it may on first glance. Since everyone has to have someone to cheat "with"...it means that some of those women are cheating with more than one man at the same time,...while some of those men are cheating with the same woman that one or more other guys are (whether they know they are or not).  So it does match up to research that I have seen showing men have less options to find someone to cheat "with" and may be sharing her with other guys beyond her BF/husband,...while the woman may have more options and may even cheat "with" more than one guy at the same time.

The really bad news is that with percentages like 50% & 65% it is going to be hard for a society to survive that and continue to function. For a society to be healthy those numbers should be around 10% IMO,...maybe 20% at the worst.

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, PRW said:

But it doesn't look as good for women as it may on first glance. Since everyone has to have someone to cheat "with"...it means that some of those women are cheating with more than one man at the same time,...while some of those men are cheating with the same woman that one or more other guys are (whether they know they are or not). 

Yes everyone has to have someone to cheat with but doesn't mean married people only cheat with other married people. If a married man cheats with single women those women don't fall in the cheating women statistics. 

[PRW]

They could be cheating on a BF.  Also Live-in partners are probably more prominent than marriage right now.  So that gives 3 possible targets (BF/GF, a "Live-in", or spouse) The ones who do most of the cheating are attractive people, and attractive ones always go for other attractive ones (rarely any mis-match there). These are people who have the most options and because they have the most options they rarely spend any time at all without being involved with someone somewhere,...so they are always Monkey Branching.

The less attractive ones have less options, hence less opportunity to cheat.  They tend to stay together when they meet someone. Once they pair-off they tend to spend more time in smaller crowds of closer friends then larger crowds of acquaintances where there is more chance of competition stealing their partner away (which may be unfounded since they are less attractive and have less options in the first place).

I included a PM to you.....

Edited December 30, 2019 by PRW

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, PRW said:

The really bad news is that with percentages like 50% & 65% it is going to be hard for a society to survive that and continue to function. For a society to be healthy those numbers should be around 10% IMO,...maybe 20% at the worst.

Respectfully disagree with that assertion. Perhaps society couldn't function in it's current form, but there is more than one way for a society to be structured. If non-monogamy is the expected norm, the institution and "rules" of marriage change to adapt or possibly people simply don't get married. Societies change over time anyhow and sometimes go through periods of radical restructuring.  E.g. Germany still exists despite the Nazis and WWII, China has certainly changed since 1900, and Russia came out the other side of Communism and is now a de facto "soft" dictatorship, but all are still around as countries.

[PRW]

39 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Societies change over time anyhow and sometimes go through periods of radical restructuring.  E.g. Germany still exists despite the Nazis and WWII, China has certainly changed since 1900, and Russia came out the other side of Communism and is now a de facto "soft" dictatorship, but all are still around as countries.

I'm talking about societal morality,...not in how forms a government change and morph. But this is too big of a subject to discuss here,...and is way way off topic,...so this below is as far as I will go with it.

Not all changes are good changes.  If the changes are extreme enough the society did "die": because what arose in its place was something completely different.  Germany survived because the Nazis were wiped out, current Germany as a society is not doing so great right now. China didn't change societally, it mainly changed by adopting Capitalism (State-Capitalism but still a form of Capitalism). Societally right now China is not doing very well either, with the "cracks" showing through involving HongKong.  Russia is doing well and it did not change it's society in terms of it's moral compass in terms of men/women and family values which is the main thing I/we are talking about. In fact, right now, it (and Eastern Europe) is a lot like what the Western Democracies used to be. They've even become less socialistic while the West has become more. To some extent they learned their lesson from being in the USSR.

The media doesn't talk about the condition of Germany, Western Europe in general, or China. The governments in the UK and Germany have gagged the Press (in their respective countries) under threat of arrest disguised as "Hate Speech" laws.  I work in the media in the US and have for 20 years,...I can tell you these things.

Edited December 30, 2019 by PRW

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Yes everyone has to have someone to cheat with but doesn't mean married people only cheat with other married people. If a married man cheats with single women those women don't fall in the cheating women statistics. 

That is true.  But they do fall in the "lacks all integrity" statistics.

[mark clemson]

8 minutes ago, PRW said:

I'm talking about societal morality... Not all changes are good changes. 

Fair enough and completely true. Society survives though (often, certainly not always) was my point. And morality is of course in the eye of the beholder. Some might see a society where people pair up without marrying as "immoral" while others might find it just fine.

Views on morality change over time too. Women showing ankles was once consider immoral in Western cultures and in certain (non-Western) places today it still is. And in some places educating women beyond the grade school basics is seen as "immoral" as well by some people at least.

[RecentChange]

#1 - I couldn't imagine "falling in love" with someone else before sex / cheating so the scenario is a bit off. 

That said I have monkey branched from a few month dating situation. In that case you could say I cheated, and then immediately ended the dating relationship. New relationship was not "secured" before I ended the first one.

i.e. cheated by going out on a date with someone else that quickly lead to much more - ended things with the guy I was dating the next day (and ended up marrying the guy I "cheated" with).

I would end a dating situation before "falling in love" with someone else - I don't fall in love easily - I would have to be very invested first. I have not been in love with most of the men I have dated. 

#2 - cheated on by someone I was merely "dating"? I would end it.

That said, both my husband and I have briefly cheated, worked through it, stayed together happily.

But that is after 10 years of living together - different level of investment into each other and the relationship than someone I was "just dating".

[Gaeta]

Social morality will do just fine. 

There were always cheaters since the beginning of time, there will always be. It's just more public now because of social media and Internet. People have more opportunities to cheat but it doesn't change cheaters cheat, and none-cheaters don't. One thing will not change, it's human's need for companionship. There are couples that stick together all of their life, we just don't talk about them in forums. 

[Super Phantom]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Your statistics are off.

50% women cheat

65% men cheat

Sure 'some' people with cheat, monkey branch, avoid loneliness, forgive cheaters, give ultimatums, etc.

I am a woman and here are my answers to your questions:

* I did forgive cheating and I will never again

* I do not cheat, never did never will, it's called integrity,  and I do not develop feelings for other people while in a relationship. 

* I am not afraid of being alone or lonely. 

 

Actually more women cheat and more men just get caught. Funny how working in a job with 98% women you see they are the most deceptive gender. They are like that because they will not accept accountability. They will fi d sone way to rationalize cheating

[PegNosePete]

And 87% of statistics are made up on the spot.

It's impossible to gather statistics for this sort of thing because people simply don't tell the truth when asked, even in anonymous surveys. And even if they did all tell the truth, the surveys would not target a broad enough cross section of society to have any meaningful value because only a certain type of person would answer the survey in the first place.

I've no idea where these figures come from but I would be highly dubious of their veracity. There's really no way to know what percentage of men or women cheat -- and it's really not a worthwhile statistic anyway! Knowing the figure wouldn't help your life in any way whatsoever.

 

[basil67]

Statistics are rubbish.  He’s your ex, so no longer any of your concern 

[Piddy]

1.  Have the decency and integrity to breakup first.  Cheating is never the right thing to do.  

2.  I think breaking up is the way to go for me.  I was cheated on in a year long live in relationship.  She left me for her fling and tried to rekindle two years later, which I refused.  

I'll keep saying this.  For me cheating is a fatal character flaw.  Yes we all have temptation, but some of us have the integrity and will power not to cheat.  Cheating is a selfish act.  If you've ever really loved someone and was cheated on you never really get over it.  The scar tissue is still there for a lifetime.  It's the ultimate betrayal. 

Breaking up breaks your heart.  Cheating stomps on your heart in addition to breaking it.

Edited December 31, 2019 by Piddy

[preraph]

If you lose interest in your partner, you break up.  If you have to replace them first, there's something cowardly about you or some reason other than love that you're with that person, like just don't want to go a week without sex.  I would love to know whether it's men or women who leapfrog most.  Women used to do it because of financial reasons  if they were living with someone who was toting most of the bills, but these days it's either for insecure people who can't spend a week alone or just people who want to keep both things going as long as they can get away with it.  It's a matter of ethics.  

 

I did just hear a survey yesterday on the radio (so have no way of referencing it with a link) that a whole lot of people (it may have been 40 percent but can't be sure) stay in a relationship long after they know it is over.  It's hard for me to fathom this unless you have children or you know your man is going to turn violent when you leave.  

[Mr. Lucky]

5 hours ago, PegNosePete said:

And 87% of statistics are made up on the spot.

As Mark Twain said, "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics." 

And besides, when choosing - and judging - my own conduct, what do I care about the percentage of folks having chosen the less ethical path?

Mr. Lucky

[Redhead14]

I think you can see into the future for yourself .  .  . before she leaves you, she will have the next candidate waiting in the wings.