He stopped texting and I don't know why?

[miss2017]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Then why did you send him that text to meet up when he gets back in town?  Why didn't you wait for him to ask you to meet first?  Why waste more energy on this dead end when you have another guy who is actually showing interest and taking you on a date?

I didn't wait because he was taking longer than normal and seemed content to just text, and I was getting fed up. 

That text was basically my way of saying "if you want to get real and meet, let me know, otherwise goodbye".

[miss2017]

3 hours ago, PRW said:

Scrolling back through posts to fresh my mind on the context I picked up on this.

"Not into casual".  That is going to be a big problem for you. You have to go through the casual before you can get to the serious. You are wanting to jump straight to the middle of the movie and not be involved with the beginning.  I think that is why you misunderstand my "open the the future" attitude. You think that me saying I am open to the future means that any outcome to me is equal,...it is not. I have a preference for a particular outcome, but I am smart enough to know that life doesn't always give you want you want and I'm not going to throw people away because initial thoughts, goals, and impression don't seem to align perfectly with a predetermined preferred result,...before I even get to the first date.

I think I already addressed the assumption that guys who aren't going along with the template are confused.

So if someone wants to find out my "goals, dreams, plans" they are going to have to find out on the date and it won't all happen on the first date.  For the most part I now offer dates to women face to face in person and not by texts or "dating apps",...so the whole text chit-chatting before the 1st date is completely removed from the table.

To me there are two different scenarios:

- Two people that want to be in a relationship, are genuinely interested in knowing more of each other and want to date to get to know each other.

and

- Two people that don't want to be in a relationship and just want casual sex or a casual FWB.

What I want to know when I meet someone online, is do they want the first or the second? Are they emotionally available or not? 

I don't want to skip the casual and jump into the middle, but I want to know what the other person's intentions are right from the start.

There are LOTS of women who start dating someone to figure out after a few months that they don't want anything serious and never wanted. And then the guy asks them: "well you never asked me what I wanted"!

So, I ask. And want to know.

Casual in the beginning? Yes. But not with the intention of being casual forever.

From your words you do seem to be open to whatever comes with the people you meet. You take a ONS if that's what happens in a minute. Good for you, but I'm not in that page, or book.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

I didn't wait because he was taking longer than normal and seemed content to just text, and I was getting fed up. 

That text was basically my way of saying "if you want to get real and meet, let me know, otherwise goodbye".

So what?  You already have another guy who has stepped up to take you out.  Why the rush with this one when he isn't really showing you he is interested?

[Watercolors]

Did you do the right thing texting a guy that won't meet you in person after 2 weeks? Well, the ultimatum that you texted him seems moot at this point, doesn't it? When I did online dating, if a guy led me on via text, I knew he wasn't serious about meeting me. There are plenty of guys online who just want the fantasy of a woman so that's why the pen-pal her via text. 

Sounds like you have another date with another guy lined up? I'd forget about Mr. Texter then. He's history anyway isn't he? I mean, as my grandmother used to say, "Either crap or get off the pot." (My grandmother had a dirty mouth but she was a wise woman.)

If Mr. Texter truly was interested in meeting you he would have initiated a first day within the first week. Why do you think chatting via text is the same as getting to know a guy? Is it? I don't think it is. Guys can text whatever they want you to believe. Phone call is better. Sure, they can still lie to you on the phone, but you can catch them in the lie faster based on their tone of voice and the conversation being in 'real time' versus text-time which isn't the same. 

I think you need to change-up your online dating strategy with men. As soon as you two make contact on the dating app, tell him that you are not a 'texter' and do a phone call instead right away. You can have great conversations on the phone that have far more subtext, context, and pretext, then a text-text which is just a collection of emojis and characters. But, if you must text, give him a heads up that you won't respond after a week if he's not willing to meet in person with you. Otherwise, you may as well join a pen-pal website. 

Edited December 31, 2019 by Watercolors

[PRW]

7 hours ago, miss2017 said:

I don't want to skip the casual and jump into the middle, but I want to know what the other person's intentions are right from the start.Casual in the beginning? Yes. But not with the intention of being casual forever.

You're still sabotaging yourself.  People aren't robots following program code. What they say they want today could be 180 deg different a month from now.  They could say today they only want Casual,  but end up being in an exclusive relationship in 2 months, and end up married by the end of the year. But you will never find that out because you won't give them a 1st date because they didn't answer a question "in the moment" with the answer you wanted to hear.  Everyone who has solid experience with dating knows that you always look at what people do,...not what they say.

Quote

From your words you do seem to be open to whatever comes with the people you meet. You take a ONS if that's what happens in a minute. Good for you, but I'm not in that page, or book.

You're still misinterpreting my position.  If I am open to what the future brings, then by definition I am open to a "relationship" and marriage.  I never once said I was limiting myself to "the intention of being casual forever" as you state it above

[Ellener]

On 12/30/2019 at 9:35 AM, PRW said:

I supposed I am risking looking like that. But I'll take the risk. If they ask me "What I'm looking for" at that early point I am just going to say "A good restaurant and my car keys".  Getting to know someone is what the date is for (it isn't a relationship), so the date is the time to figure that stuff out. To be honest, I'm not expecting to decide what I am looking for (with respect to this hypothetical woman) until around 2 months in.  Until that happens it is all Causal Dating, we both still have our freedom, it is not a relationship yet.

Additional note for clarification: Casual Dating and Casual Sex are two entirely different things. You can do either one completely without the other.  You can casually date without sex, and you can have casual sex without dating (aka "Friends with Benefits"  [FWB])

😀

Love it! Good restaurant and car keys...Happy New Year everyone!

[Ellener]

9 hours ago, miss2017 said:

To me there are two different scenarios:

- Two people that want to be in a relationship, are genuinely interested in knowing more of each other and want to date to get to know each other.

and

- Two people that don't want to be in a relationship and just want casual sex or a casual FWB.

 

I don't know if those are the only two options, sometimes the people we have the most feelings for are just residual emotions from the past or unfulfilled expectations or pseudo-relationships where we don't get close enough to test the reality. And if I'm honest the best sex in my life so far is from a casual collison of two well-meaning souls, brutally honest- not sure I could handle that intensity of emotion every day.

It's the dilemma of having a fabulous life single, it takes a lot to beat it, and most relationships there's a lot of fantasy filling in the gaps, or has been for me so far. At some point there's the decision of- is this good enough for a permanent situation versus we start trying to 'work on' something together which let's face it for romantics isn't what we fantasise!

 

 

 

[miss2017]

8 hours ago, PRW said:

You're still sabotaging yourself.  People aren't robots following program code. What they say they want today could be 180 deg different a month from now.  They could say today they only want Casual,  but end up being in an exclusive relationship in 2 months, and end up married by the end of the year. But you will never find that out because you won't give them a 1st date because they didn't answer a question "in the moment" with the answer you wanted to hear.  Everyone who has solid experience with dating knows that you always look at what people do,...not what they say.

You're still misinterpreting my position.  If I am open to what the future brings, then by definition I am open to a "relationship" and marriage.  I never once said I was limiting myself to "the intention of being casual forever" as you state it above

Well, I think that a woman that goes with a man who doesn't have a solid answer to "what are you looking for" is the one sabotaging herself, especially when the knows what she wants.

To me, guys who don't have a solid answer to what they are looking for are either emotionally unavailable or just lost.

I know very well what I want and I want a man who knows too. Because there are men who want the same as me and know what they want. The confused ones or the ones that change so easily don't interest me.

"Everyone who has solid experience with dating knows that you always look at what people do,...not what they say." 

This is so wrong! Do a research and you'll find LOTS of women who invested in guys because they were doing all the right things, and ignored the fact they told them right in the beginning "I'm not looking for a relationship".

And because they ignored what they said and focused on what they were doing, they end up being burned.

To me, it's BOTH! What they say and what they do has to be a match and has to be consistent.

It looks to me you are open to whatever happens. I am not. I want what I want and nothing else. And would be sabotaging myself if I didn't acknowledge that. 

Edited January 1, 2020 by miss2017