My daughters father is back in our lives again...

[CherryBlossom1980]

Hi everyone,

I’ll try to give a brief background to my story. 

I met my ex when I was 37, he was the same age as me. We met on Tinder (not ideal I know!) this was 6 years ago. I said I wanted to start a family sooner rather than later due to my age, and he was ok about it. He told me he had a visa for Australia and that he planned to go in 6 months time. We agreed to see how things went as we really liked one another, and over the course of 4 months our feelings became much stronger and we started falling in love.

The Australia thing was the white one elephant in the room, and it started to cause problems within our relationship. He also had mental health problems, anxiety/panic attacks. So he broke up with me. Shortly after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. We didn’t use contraception a couple of times (yes I know it wasn’t a sensible thing to do). He essentially freaked out, and left for Australia. He sent me an email saying he was going and it wasn’t his intention to contact me. So I didn’t. It was heart breaking, but I decided to raise my daughter on my own. 

She is nearly 5 now, luckily I’m financially stable and have a house etc so technically I don’t need him really. 

Two years ago I got my brother in law to contact him to get some medical info we needed urgently. This was the first contact we had, he told me his mother had died. So I asked him if he wished to find out more info on his daughter. Over the course of two years we have very slowly built up contact firstly by emails, then to whatsapp and now to FaceTime with my daughter. 

This Christmas he has come over for three weeks, he spent three days with us and it’s been lovely (he stayed in a hotel) he was great with his daughter. The chemistry is still there between us, but I get the impression he doesn’t want to leave his beloved Australia and lazily would like us to move their - which isn’t going to happen.

He is coming back next week again to see us before he leaves. I want to ask him a bit about the past, because I have so many questions. Like how could he leave his daughter and disappear?! Plus he doesn’t contribute towards her at all, so essentially he is having his cake and eating it. 

I’m feeling a bit confused if I’m going to be honest about everything, my emotions are all over the place. Part of me would love us to all be a family, but a part of me can’t stand the man for what he has done. 

We had lunch with his brother, and his brothers family (I had met them when we were together) and it was incredibly awkward. His brother didn’t look too impressed with me, so I dread to think what he has been telling him. 

I just need a bit of advice how to deal with the situation. I would love to happy ever after, but I don’t think it’ll happen..

[schlumpy]

Why didn't you just do artificial insemination? That way you could have requested certain DNA characteristics such as high IQ and movie star looks. They could have supplied the sperm of someone with a keen sense of responsibility and an overwhelming desire to nurture children. The seed they planted would have come from a man with a backbone and someone who didn't feel a need to put an ocean between himself and that which he had selfishly left behind.

 

Instead you allowed your ticking biological clock to choose for you.

 

I'm not sure what you want because you haven't set up the conditions to succeed at anything. Did you think that having a baby would keep him with you? It made him run and for some reason you think this guy is husband material?

 

Do you know for sure that he doesn't have a wife and another child in Australia?

 

It's time to stop making mistakes. Flush this guy from your life and find a man who will settle for your attempt at making a family. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

On 12/27/2019 at 12:57 PM, CherryBlossom1980 said:

Hi everyone,

I’ll try to give a brief background to my story. 

I met my ex when I was 37, he was the same age as me. We met on Tinder (not ideal I know!) this was 6 years ago. I said I wanted to start a family sooner rather than later due to my age, and he was ok about it. He told me he had a visa for Australia and that he planned to go in 6 months time. We agreed to see how things went as we really liked one another, and over the course of 4 months our feelings became much stronger and we started falling in love.

The Australia thing was the white one elephant in the room, and it started to cause problems within our relationship. He also had mental health problems, anxiety/panic attacks. So he broke up with me. Shortly after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. We didn’t use contraception a couple of times (yes I know it wasn’t a sensible thing to do). He essentially freaked out, and left for Australia. He sent me an email saying he was going and it wasn’t his intention to contact me. So I didn’t. It was heart breaking, but I decided to raise my daughter on my own. 

She is nearly 5 now, luckily I’m financially stable and have a house etc so technically I don’t need him really. 

Two years ago I got my brother in law to contact him to get some medical info we needed urgently. This was the first contact we had, he told me his mother had died. So I asked him if he wished to find out more info on his daughter. Over the course of two years we have very slowly built up contact firstly by emails, then to whatsapp and now to FaceTime with my daughter. 

This Christmas he has come over for three weeks, he spent three days with us and it’s been lovely (he stayed in a hotel) he was great with his daughter. The chemistry is still there between us, but I get the impression he doesn’t want to leave his beloved Australia and lazily would like us to move their - which isn’t going to happen.

He is coming back next week again to see us before he leaves. I want to ask him a bit about the past, because I have so many questions. Like how could he leave his daughter and disappear?! Plus he doesn’t contribute towards her at all, so essentially he is having his cake and eating it. 

I’m feeling a bit confused if I’m going to be honest about everything, my emotions are all over the place. Part of me would love us to all be a family, but a part of me can’t stand the man for what he has done. 

We had lunch with his brother, and his brothers family (I had met them when we were together) and it was incredibly awkward. His brother didn’t look too impressed with me, so I dread to think what he has been telling him. 

I just need a bit of advice how to deal with the situation. I would love to happy ever after, but I don’t think it’ll happen..

This is all signs that you should continue raising your child as a single parent for now and let him make the move as he feels necessary. Does your daughter KNOW that he is the biological father?

You get the "impression" he wants you to move to Australia? So, he never articulated as much? He made no overtures to change his status with you or his daughter, correct? He made no offer to help financially, correct? Living happily ever after means being with him? Mentally ill. Neglectful. Irresponsible? No. Why not move forward and begin a new life with someone else? Someone more local and responsible?

This guy sounds broken in so many ways. Don't ignore all that is wrong...

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Here is the thing: At some point, your daughter will begin asking questions. If you explain the situation honestly, she will have more questions and although you may do without the answers to those questions yourself, her questions will absolutely need answers. If you do not have those answers, she will go looking for those answers herself and she will find them.

Flirting with any sort of change of dynamics when you have children is usually a bad idea; if this guy wants to be in the picture, he cannot just come and go as he pleases and it is up to you, as your daughters parent, to enforce that reality... If the consequences of that reality, are that she spends time with him while he is older, instead of now, while on the hunt for answers, then so be it, but to allow this man to just come and go, especially with other family, this is an unacceptable outcome as a parent... If she was older, she may be able to rationalize the situation a bit, but at 5, this is just all damage and it isn't your daughters fault.

If you two have not figured out your dynamics together, if you are still like "We have chemistry", yall need to work that s*** out away from your daughter. She will be invested in having her biological dad around and she will come to hate you, if for whatever reason, things dont work out or if this guy just doesn't want to help support the family dynamics financially or otherwise, your daughter will blame his ineptitude on you... And she isn't wrong in doing that... Like if this guys family is not responding well to you, what do you think is going to be said when this guy and his family have your daughter in a room alone? How long before the lies, the disparaging begins? You are raising this mans child by yourself and the brother is giving you dirty looks? Obviously this guy is trouble.

I would keep this guy far away if I were you, like he knowingly left you in the dust with his child..