Assertiveness and conflict resolution

[thecrucible]

I've recognised a bit of a pattern in my relationship behaviour - my lack of having a voice when things go wrong or I feel bad. I mull it over for a long time before saying anything. I also have strong emotional reactions to perceived conflict - basically seeing a man angry or raising his voice in any way and I go into my shell and feel too scared to bring anything up. This happened with my last relationship. I got so anxious and confused that I froze. It's not a passive aggressive action, I just genuinely didn't know what to do. I've theorised that in part this is due to not feeling heard as a child, or having people ask me questions, being blamed for things I didn't even do and not receiving apologies. My very first romantic relationship was then an abusive one at age 17.  I feel generally a fear of abandonment if people see a negative side of me. To complicate this, I have social anxiety which leads to me overthinking sometimes. I'm very aware of this tendency but it still doesn't prevent it happening. For me, the past is the past and I've made peace with it but ingrained tendencies are hard to break.

 

This is something I really want to work on. Has anyone gone through anything similar and can offer suggestions? I've bought a book for my kindle and have been reading various blogs. 

[major_merrick]

I think the only thing that can make people more assertive is to experience the victory that comes from asserting yourself.  You might try some kind of martial arts or combat training that forces you into stress and teaches you to overcome it.  But that might not make you assertive in your relationships.

 

I'm usually quite dominant and aggressive for a girl.  Things have changed a bit since I started having kids, but there's times when I'm literally spoiling for a good fight.  I like arguing, shouting, throwing stuff...and if somebody has made me angry my instinct is to get physical.  Yet in my relationships, I'm not as aggressive because I've figured out over the years that I don't have the communication skills to be assertive without being offensive or physical.  Communication might be your issue as well, but in the opposite way.

[kiwistwbry]

I second what Merrick said. Putting yourself in a situation where you’re safe, with the goal of asserting yourself would be great practice! Maybe a self-defense class, or even a professional “therapy” type group that would be less physical, using verbiage instead, with other people in similar situations that have maybe put together an outlet for everyone to practice asserting themselves! I’ve been self employed for the last 5 months now, and it’s boosted my self confidence and allowed me to really think about myself by practicing healthy boundaries with my clients. Best of luck to you in the New Year!!

[thecrucible]

@major_merrick - Thank you for your reply. I like the idea of combat training actually. I may give that a go as there must so many options in my city.

 

It's something I've noticed at work, not just in relationships. A colleague sent me a patronising email and I ended up crying to my boss about it. It was good she was on my side but I'd like to know how to deal with that better in the future as I want to be much stronger. 

 

Another time several weeks ago, a man groped me in a bar. I wish I had said something at the time but I didn't. I was too scared to. 

 

I'm really bad at leaving arguments actually. I just want it resolved before moving on but I won't get obviously angry until I'm back into a corner (I wonder if this is why I don't get taken seriously sometimes?). I can't stand man fobbing me off and when I started standing up for myself more in last relationship, bf said "well we should break up then" and other such statements so I backed off my communication. Eventually I did break up but he is begging for me back now. I really wanted him to apologise for things but he wouldn't and I didn't know how to let that go as I felt hard done by. I have apologised to others but it feels like I'm always the one doing that and not other people?

 

Perhaps I need to practice different scenarios showing assertive communication until I get it into my head more?

[thecrucible]

@kiwistwbry - Thank you so much! I will look for a class like that. It's just a matter of finding the right one which is not a rip off. I shall have a look more. I just need to practise these scenarios and get out of my head that being assertive is somehow mean - I think there's a lot of pressure on women in general to be the accommodating ones and it must be the context I was brought up in that I feel this pressure a lot.

[major_merrick]

1 hour ago, thecrucible said:

Another time several weeks ago, a man groped me in a bar. I wish I had said something at the time but I didn't. I was too scared to.

That's probably the easiest place to start asserting yourself, because the boundaries are very clear.  Aside from killing or maiming somebody without needing to, there's minimal risk as long as you don't bite off more than you can chew.  If you don't know how to react physically, you might get some training first in case things get worse and you get a strong person who wants to hurt you.  Me...I can actually enjoy it when guys push their luck.  It's like life providing me a with a free reactive target to practice with, and I can take out my frustrations at the same time.  Start with a firm slap if you're feeling mild.  Proceed from there.  

[schlumpy]

I second the idea of self defense training. I was in Golden Gloves boxing as a teenager. It did a lot for my confidence around people and did not make an aggressive jerk out of me. 

[thecrucible]

Thank you guys! I’m quite even tempered so I don’t think I’ll get angered. I’ll just have to practise different communication techniques. I’m worried otherwise that I’ll be held back in work and dating as I don’t want to look a walkover. At the same time, I’ve been crying a bit too much about work lately. 

[Mr. Lucky]

On 12/28/2019 at 6:41 AM, schlumpy said:

I second the idea of self defense training.

I'll broaden this perspective to say confidence comes from success in any area.  With each of my kids, I noticed they found their voice as they achieved things in their area of interest, whether sports, school or social activities.

So thecrucible, what are you good at?  You might work on advancing that interest, self-belief will follow...

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

Freezing is a natural response alongside fight and flight.   So there’s nothing wrong with you.  I freeze too.  

Alongside of the advice you’ve been given in skill building, it also recommend considering whether the behaviour of the person is acceptable to start with.  If you’ve got an abusive partner, standing up for yourself won’t stop them.  For instance, one of my expectations in a partner is that they be even tempered.  If a man ever called me a name, he’d be dumped.    And yes, these men do exist and I have one. 

[thecrucible]

@basil67 - yes I do feel my last relationship was emotionally abusive but it’s been so difficult because not many people understand as it’s hard to actually notice and he’s not mean all the time. I did start to stand up to him and that’s when it got bad and he got really angry towards me. I’m so upset as he has been writing me letters (which I don’t read) and I never reply but they come on my birthday, Xmas etc. 

@Mr. Lucky - Thanks. I’m quite good at my job and I worked hard to get it in a competitive industry. I have some trust issues with others which is honestly where most of my confidence issues come from. 

[thecrucible]

Just wanted to say thank you for the advice. I've downloaded a book on assertiveness and I'm going to apply for therapy sessions to see if it will help me. I think maybe I'm actually fine at being assertive most of the time but I just need to be better at paying attention to my inner voice.