my ex came round to my house to then go on a date!

[Blonde2002]

So yeah, I have been married 20 years to my childhood sweetheart and have 2 daughters.  In June this year, after a lot of soul searching I decided to end our relationship. It came about after we had both been cheating within our marriage.

 

She was the first to cheat with her boss which nearly killed me emotionally. She then cheated on me again a year later with her best friends husband. Each time she didn't tell me, I had to find out by her phone. I struggled so much with forgiving her that eventually I just gave up and cheated myself. (I know two wrongs don't make a right)

 

I tried to save our marriage but my wife just admitted she didn't love me no more. I have an anxiety disorder and she struggled to cope with this. In fact she blamed me having an anxiety disorder on the reason why she cheated on me.

 

But I still loved her. But she didn't love me. For the past several years she had made me feel truly pathetic as a human, I was never good enough for her, I could never make her happy and she just looked miserable all the time no matter how hard I tried. And I did try my absolute hardest to make her happy, but she admitted that whatever I could provide was not enough for her.

 

Eventually after all the cheating and her being constantly unhappy I had to end it. Stupidly I thought by ending it she might suddenly be interested in me again. But no. She fully embraced it and skipped in to the sunset while absolutely breaking my heart.

 

In July I moved on with another woman who had been interested in me for a long while and we have been together ever since. I really want it to work but I miss my ex so much. On some level I think I still love her and want her back. Thing is she just doesn't love me or want me back.

 

I have been in text contact with my ex. She says she wants to remain friends. At one point recently she hinted about reconciling, she then leads me on but then backs off.

 

She had the kids on christmas day and so invited them for boxing day. But here is the strange thing. She invited herself around on boxing day with the kids to spend the day with me and my new GF. Anyway, it was strange but we were all getting along. Then suddenly out the blue my ex wife starts talking about how many dates she has been on lately and how many blokes are interested in her. This really hurt me as she knows I am still interested in her. She then tells me that she had a second date that evening with a person we both went to school with. When I started to ask who it was with she got really cagey and wouldn't tell me. But then to absolutely  rub salt in the wounds, she has this bloke come and pick her up from my house, in front of me,

 

I was absolutely devastated. And its been making me have panic attacks and be sick through anxiety.

 

 

Why would she be so friendly through texts leading me on? Why has she then come around to my house for boxing day? And my GF says it was obvious my ex wife was sat flirting with me. Then why did she start going on about dates and then go on a date right in front of me knowing it would hurt me?

 

 

Any advice would be highly appreciated.

[alterest]

Man, everything was wrong with your relationship. Cheating, you looking her phone and I bet she did it too as well. I see why you asked for diverce and, for what you related here, it was a good decision. You've been sad, but that is normal, especially after a 20 years relationship.

I think you should keep contact only to say about your kids, it looks like you are into her yet and she is jealous about your new gf. She only say about those guys to make you jealous and she did it, right?

And pick her up from your house?! Could be a true relationship, but it looks like she is trying to show you how she is moving on... Probably to create some drama.

 

Why would she be so friendly through texts leading me on?

She said that she wants to remain friends, right? That's a possibility. Another one is: Breadcrumbs.

 

Why has she then come around to my house for boxing day?

We never know. Maybe to test ground, maybe she just don't care. It's pretty weird, tho.

If something like that happening again, just say that it's not a good idea... Just be polite!!

 

And my GF says it was obvious my ex wife was sat flirting with me. Then why did she start going on about dates and then go on a date right in front of me knowing it would hurt me?

Partners usually sees those things better than we do. And usually because we are into something elso. Everytime I was dating, I just can't see when some girl flirting with me. Sooo belive in her. And I like how you answer your own question at the end. She only wants to make you jealous/sad/mad. Don't bait that. Again, tell her, politely, that you don't want to talk about those subjects with her.

[schlumpy]

Phillip

Your EX-Wife checked all the boxes for the divorce. Quit thinking there was something you could have done to turn it around - there was not. The problem for you isn't whether divorce was the right solution. The problem is your inability to let go of someone who enjoys kicking you in the face every time they see you. It's your acceptance that you were not enough for her according to her.  I don't know how your new GF stands it. She should be in your face everyday about this and out the door if you don't change. Be with someone who is still love with someone else? What a dream relationship you are.

You only have one choice here if you want to move on and save your current relationship and that's to practice NO Contact. In your case you need to think of it as a religion. I know you have kids so NC won't be perfect but you must not talk to her about ANYTHING other than the children's problems and well being. Don't drop them off at her place and don't allow her into your home. Use a neutral third party site such as a helpful relative or the library parking lot. No pleasantries. Don't even get out of the car or look her way.

I credit the next sentence to the wisdom of Marc.

Have separate birthdays and holidays for the children. The kids won't mind. Sit as far away as you can from her at school functions. If she tries to engage you on anything other then the kids just give noncommittal answers like yes, no or just grunt in acknowledgement that you heard her and be anxious to get away.

Gather all the paraphernalia and memorabilia that is associated with her and burn it. If that can't be accomplished then box it up and put in the basement or attic. It has to be out sight as well as all the pictures. Do you have some pictures of your kids displayed where mom is included? Get them down or have the digital file modified with a photo editor to remove her and then print a new copy and put it back up.

Every vestige of her must be gone. She has to be off your social media and off your phone. Buy a burner phone and give that number to her for emergency use to talk about the kids.

Live like this until you are indifferent towards her. Then you can loosen up. I'm sure your new girl friend will be very understanding and supportive of your new policy. Rely on her to help you get through it if she has not kicked you to the curb already for not realizing what you have in front of you. There may be a possibility she thinks you are worth it because she knows what she wants even if you don't.

This is not a short term process. You may have to do this for at least two years or more and maybe forever. It all depends on how quickly you can adjust and let go.

I am sympathetic. It hurts a lot but it will hurt much less when your focus is off your EX-WIFE and instead on your current relationship.

Get into IC if you think it will help you.

I hope you make this new year something to look forward to and good luck.

[fromheart]

No wonder you have anxiety attacks.  A woman like that will kill you eventually.

Drop kick her, time to head off into the sunset yourself.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like a powerplay on her part.  Was she always dominant in the relationship?

I don't know why she would suddenly appear like this but I suspect she was checking out your new girlfriend to see if you liked her more than your ex.  I get the feeling she wanted to assert her place in your world.

None of this is good, of course.  She has no right to be in your life in any way except through necessary interaction regarding the children.

She was trying to make you jealous.  It would be a mistake to assume she was trying to get back with you though.  It all seems to be about power.  Do you think your anxiety could be related to the very real powerplays that existed in your relationship?  I get the feeling she has been manipulating you for a long time and your anxiety was actually a genuine instinctive warning that she was deliberately making you feel insecure.

Now that you can see it is all about control, hopefully you will be able to shrug off what she is doing and actually see it as a weakness on her part that she needs to control people like this. 

[Blonde2002]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

It sounds like a powerplay on her part.  Was she always dominant in the relationship?

I don't know why she would suddenly appear like this but I suspect she was checking out your new girlfriend to see if you liked her more than your ex.  I get the feeling she wanted to assert her place in your world.

None of this is good, of course.  She has no right to be in your life in any way except through necessary interaction regarding the children.

She was trying to make you jealous.  It would be a mistake to assume she was trying to get back with you though.  It all seems to be about power.  Do you think your anxiety could be related to the very real powerplays that existed in your relationship?  I get the feeling she has been manipulating you for a long time and your anxiety was actually a genuine instinctive warning that she was deliberately making you feel insecure.

Now that you can see it is all about control, hopefully you will be able to shrug off what she is doing and actually see it as a weakness on her part that she needs to control people like this. 

To be honest I didn't notice any real dominance play with in the relationship. If anything, I would have said that it was me that was the dominant one.

I am not very good with mind games, I often don't even realise that I am being played with until I am deeply hurt.

I honestly believe that the majority of my anxiety was caused be her. Since she has left I hardly ever get panic attacks, where I was having them most days while she was here. The only thing I initially felt when she left was just sheer relief and like the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

Now you have wrote what you have I genuinely believe that I have been manipulated with for years, so perhaps it may have been an internal warning alarm going off.

 

Thing was, even though she was mistreating me, cheating on me and manipulating me, I still loved her and cared about her deeply. I was just been walked over. I just blamed myself for the marriage failing.

[Blonde2002]

12 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Phillip

Your EX-Wife checked all the boxes for the divorce. Quit thinking there was something you could have done to turn it around - there was not. The problem for you isn't whether divorce was the right solution. The problem is your inability to let go of someone who enjoys kicking you in the face every time they see you. It's your acceptance that you were not enough for her according to her.  I don't know how your new GF stands it. She should be in your face everyday about this and out the door if you don't change. Be with someone who is still love with someone else? What a dream relationship you are.

You only have one choice here if you want to move on and save your current relationship and that's to practice NO Contact. In your case you need to think of it as a religion. I know you have kids so NC won't be perfect but you must not talk to her about ANYTHING other than the children's problems and well being. Don't drop them off at her place and don't allow her into your home. Use a neutral third party site such as a helpful relative or the library parking lot. No pleasantries. Don't even get out of the car or look her way.

I credit the next sentence to the wisdom of Marc.

Have separate birthdays and holidays for the children. The kids won't mind. Sit as far away as you can from her at school functions. If she tries to engage you on anything other then the kids just give noncommittal answers like yes, no or just grunt in acknowledgement that you heard her and be anxious to get away.

Gather all the paraphernalia and memorabilia that is associated with her and burn it. If that can't be accomplished then box it up and put in the basement or attic. It has to be out sight as well as all the pictures. Do you have some pictures of your kids displayed where mom is included? Get them down or have the digital file modified with a photo editor to remove her and then print a new copy and put it back up.

Every vestige of her must be gone. She has to be off your social media and off your phone. Buy a burner phone and give that number to her for emergency use to talk about the kids.

Live like this until you are indifferent towards her. Then you can loosen up. I'm sure your new girl friend will be very understanding and supportive of your new policy. Rely on her to help you get through it if she has not kicked you to the curb already for not realizing what you have in front of you. There may be a possibility she thinks you are worth it because she knows what she wants even if you don't.

This is not a short term process. You may have to do this for at least two years or more and maybe forever. It all depends on how quickly you can adjust and let go.

I am sympathetic. It hurts a lot but it will hurt much less when your focus is off your EX-WIFE and instead on your current relationship.

Get into IC if you think it will help you.

I hope you make this new year something to look forward to and good luck.

Thank you for the message. All sound advice.

[preraph]

I agree with Spiderowl that it was a power play, not because she wants you back, but just to insert herself into the situation and show the other woman she can still pull your strings, marking her territory.  Everyone hates to see their ex move on and wants to think if they wanted to, they could make them come back.  But that doesn't mean they want them back.  It's an ego thing.  I've done it myself just to show I can, even when I don't want it back.  Sometimes you do it for the benefit of others, as a way to uphold your dignity and show both others and yourself that you're impervious.   Your situation is more complex than my old bfs with a long marriage and kids and all, so you have to remain civil. 

I think it's good that you actually felt relief and stopped having as much anxiety afterwards.  I know that feeling.  So given that you are high anxiety and are coming down off that, I say just give it time and set boundaries with her.  The fact she was making you worse should be all you need to realize you're better off leaving her behind. So give yourself some time for all this missing and nostalgia, but stay focused on your own well-being and then set some boundaries to keep her away unless it concerns the kids so she doesn't keep you from being able to keep a girlfriend because of her intrusiveness.  It will take some time for you to adjust.  But you'll be better off once you let her know you don't want to be friends and be in frequent contact but want to contain the relationship to dealing with the kids so it doesn't interfere with your life going forward.  

[spiderowl]

39 minutes ago, Philip8888 said:

To be honest I didn't notice any real dominance play with in the relationship. If anything, I would have said that it was me that was the dominant one.

I am not very good with mind games, I often don't even realise that I am being played with until I am deeply hurt.

I honestly believe that the majority of my anxiety was caused be her. Since she has left I hardly ever get panic attacks, where I was having them most days while she was here. The only thing I initially felt when she left was just sheer relief and like the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

Now you have wrote what you have I genuinely believe that I have been manipulated with for years, so perhaps it may have been an internal warning alarm going off.

 

Thing was, even though she was mistreating me, cheating on me and manipulating me, I still loved her and cared about her deeply. I was just been walked over. I just blamed myself for the marriage failing.

Marriages fail sometimes.  Is there a point in blaming yourself?  Sometimes people just can't make it work.

[Blonde2002]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

I agree with Spiderowl that it was a power play, not because she wants you back, but just to insert herself into the situation and show the other woman she can still pull your strings, marking her territory.  Everyone hates to see their ex move on and wants to think if they wanted to, they could make them come back.  But that doesn't mean they want them back.  It's an ego thing.  I've done it myself just to show I can, even when I don't want it back.  Sometimes you do it for the benefit of others, as a way to uphold your dignity and show both others and yourself that you're impervious.

 

Oh that is so strange, someone else said something very similar to me in person.

She doesn't want me back, but she wants to know she is able to pull my strings anytime she likes and get me dancing to her tune.

 

But I have literally been giving her the exact ammunition she needs to be able to do this. I have helped her to be able to control me!

[fromheart]

9 hours ago, Philip8888 said:

Oh that is so strange, someone else said something very similar to me in person.

She doesn't want me back, but she wants to know she is able to pull my strings anytime she likes and get me dancing to her tune.

 

But I have literally been giving her the exact ammunition she needs to be able to do this. I have helped her to be able to control me!

Now you've noticed this, you have a powerful tool for self development and for kicking the losers out of your life.

[preraph]

It is probably more common than not that exes don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you.  Again, it's an ego thing.  

[Blonde2002]

41 minutes ago, preraph said:

It is probably more common than not that exes don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you.  Again, it's an ego thing.  

Oh my god this is so true even for me. 

Its the 'i don't want them but I don't want anyone else to have them either'. 

Its breaking my heart though 

[preraph]

Because it's always some kind of loss.  It's usually a circumstance where you miss something, even in a friend way, but with a breakup, it's not usually practical to try to be friends because one or the other wants the other back or having another person around would interfere with the next person you date and scare them off.  I had one guy I was friends 3 years first and it didn't work out and I wanted to just go back to friends, but he just couldn't.  I think I eventually would have been able to but it would have been dicey at first.  So had to settle for acquaintances. 

[Blonde2002]

Loss really really really really hurts. Whether you want that person or not, it really hurts

[basil67]

 

On 12/28/2019 at 3:34 PM, Philip8888 said:

Then suddenly out the blue my ex wife starts talking about how many dates she has been on lately and how many blokes are interested in her. This really hurt me as she knows I am still interested in her. She then tells me that she had a second date that evening with a person we both went to school with. When I started to ask who it was with she got really cagey and wouldn't tell me. But then to absolutely  rub salt in the wounds, she has this bloke come and pick her up from my house, in front of me,

The person I feel most sorry for in this scenario is your girlfriend.  All this mess going on in front of her.   She deserves better. 

[Blonde2002]

I seem to be hurting everyone