Getting Spark back, was it ever there....just settling?????

[lostnconfused77]

I have been with my current partner for coming up 10 years. For the first 6 or 7 years we moved around a lot, ran a business together, travelled quite a lot. But in 2016 we decided to settle down in one country. I guess its always been my decisions to up and leave a place and he has just followed. I am the one with the steady finances, he has never really had anything. But the last couple of years, maybe longer, hard to say now, things have just gone stale and we've been arguing and bickering about nothing really. I feel he has never really given me the support I want and need for my dreams and goals, we have loads of renovation work to do and things but getting him motivated and doing stuff would be difficult. Our sex life was basically non-existant. Little physical contact or intimacy. We had just become friends that lived together and ones that argued a lot at that. 

We have two homes and he prefers one at one side of country and I don't particularly like it there. Last Christmas after a bad summer of fighting and feeling lost and alone, I went to visit him at the other place determined to try and make things better. It was good for a few days if I initiated things. But then it deteriorated, he was off out, would go out for a drink with friends and not come back for few hours. I ended up leaving (as had planned anyway) mid Jan to other home. 

I was then on my own until end of May. During that time I started an affair with a guy I have known for years and years. I guess there has always been an attraction and something between us, but he has always had a long term partner and so have I. I had never considered doing anything like this before and it was all very confusing and not something I rushed into.

It was someone I have known for many many years and considered a close friend. Someone I had turned to in the past for help and the same for him. He started sending the odd sexually charged and suggestive message. I held back, said no. We started spending more time together on a project he was working on for me and the attraction was immense. It fairly quickly turned to a sexual relationship but we were both in long term relationships. He said he loved me, wanted validation I loved him. I gave it as I did. I fell quickly and very very hard.  I knew I was in too deep with this guy but could not stop and did not want to. He was hard up financially and I said I would loan him money. The amount grew. Then he asked for another loan. I gave it willingly. Time together was very limited, work on my project he was being paid for slacked off. Then he asked for another loan, he was desperate, would be the last time. I was not so keen, but then the pressure was put on, I eventually gave in but barely received a thank you and so called him out on it and said I felt used. He gave me "space" to deal with my feelings and then it was back to usual. I was struggling with the guilt of the affair and the emotional bond I had with this guy and what I wanted in life (still am). 

May long term partner came back to the home I was in and to be honest things were better than they had been for a while. We were more intimate (again me initiating, probably feeling guilty had something to do with it), we argued less, again probably as my needs were being met elsewhere and he seemed more motivated to do jobs. There were still one or two times I seriously doubted the relationship and we would have massive bust ups. 

Things continued with the other guy, but mostly online, only hooking up on the odd occasion when we could. There was was one evening when at a village party (not our village) we were all together, he with his partner and me with mine. I struggled to cope and found it heart breaking to see him close with his partner and to know I was cheating on mine. But things continued for a couple more weeks before I more or less called it off, then immediately tried to take it back, spent days in tears.....then he came round again while partner was away and we were back on......But I knew I had to try and get out of it, I was becoming worried how it would all end, or how it would continue, what if he married his long term partner (they are engaged), had a kid etc.....

Then he suddenly was in another situation where he desperately needed money and asked again. I resisted but ended up giving in as he seemed so stressed and just wanted to make him happy. Not long after, after there had been little sign of him on the project he admitted he had spent the project money on himself and his family. It was an awful lot of money. He did not know where it had gone. He said it was just a mistake, would make it up, had hoped he would have sorted it and I would never have known. I told him I felt betrayed and used. He said he did not understand why I would feel like this, it was just a mistake. He said he would try and sort. Things were difficult between us for a few days but then he came back to work, we were intimate again. I then went away for a few days and while I was away he told me we should stop, was not good for either of us. 

It was incredibly hard, I was heartbroken but agreed with the reasoning. But did not want it to end. We talked, agreed to remain friends and of course I agreed to pay him more to continue to work as felt there was no other option really, he promised he would get it all done this time. But within a few days he was asking about coming round for "closure sex". I said no. We remained friends.  He did come round and we kissed the odd time but I was so confused, he was pushing for more, to continue the affair. I did not really say yes or no either way. My brain was telling me put a complete stop to it but my heart was wanting otherwise. I knew my partner was going away for the winter. He had finally got a job but meant being away for 5 months each winter. And I could see me falling back into the pattern of the affair. 

But work stopped again and excuses started again from affair partner (he was always ill or injured) and I started to put pressure on to get the project finished, gave deadlines etc. I was getting very pissed off. He started questioning if I still loved him, as said I was not telling him as much any more, not messaging him daily. He was not telling me either and would not message me either but.....then after weeks of no show on the project and letting him know others on the project were pushing for more formal action to get him to complete work, he tells me he is done with me/this, needs to get his head straight and sort his life out. We would still be friends and talk about work only, I told him how much I loved him but agreed it was not healthy for us to continue, but was very hard to let go, but then he basically cut me off. I had to contact him (and wanted the contact if I am honest) to ask about the project. He said he was waiting on borrowed money to complete. Nothing ever came and no work. I pushed again, get the odd message to say waiting on money etc. My partner and I went away for a few days to visit my family and when I came back the affair partner had walked off the job without so much as a word and I did not hear from him again. He unfriended me on social media and basically cut me out his life. 

I was left in a very dark place. I only just about managed to keep it together. My partner thought I was just upset over the fact that my project (a dream I had harboured for a long time and put a lot of money into) had been left in tatters and did not understand why I was so upset as he did not think this guy was a close friend and did not know about the additional loans. And could not understand the betrayal I felt I guess. We ended up having a massive argument where I asked him to leave, said I was sick of always being the strong responsible one, having to deal with everything. My partner just seemed angry that I was now in a low depressed state when he was meant to be going away for the winter. I asked him not to go but he refused saying it was what he wanted, how I had always been on at him to earn his own money and now he would. He did at one point ask if something had gone on with affair partner, I did not reply either way and he just left it. I think he maybe suspects but does not want to face. I contemplated telling him but figured I was only doing so for my own guilt and to try and cause trouble for affair partner, and would just hurt my long term partner for no reason, now it was over. 

There has been no contact with affair partner for weeks, I have heard he had gone away to work, had sold items I paid for, told others he was paying me back, but of course hasn't. I know he has ripped others off for work and borrowed money from others and not paid back. I have started court action against him. 

At Christmas I went to the other house, feeling very low and depressed. I have no clue where I am going in life, whether I want this current relationship or whether I am just settling, especially having now experienced the passion and intimacy I did from the other guy. I have barely seen my partner as he is always working and seemed little point in me being there. We have barely spoken, we had a massive row on Christmas day after he was late coming back from work, and again I told him how unhappy I was, and had been, that I needed to try and see what I wanted, that was not sure about relationship. I have no idea if I am just saying these things to punish him for making me feel so alone and in some ways pushing me into the arms of another that caused so much heart ache. If I just want a reaction and for him to up his game and fight for us. I look at him and am not really that attracted to him any more. I feel we are going in different directions and following different paths. I don't know if he really loves me or just fears losing the financial security the relationship offers. We try and talk and just argue and afterwards I cannot even remember what was said really. 

I guess my main question is, can you get back that spark and passion? I am not sure if was even ever there that much. There must have been something at the start. What if I am just settling as scared to be alone, not find someone else, don't want to hurt him....even if my partner now tries to give me a hug or a kiss I pull away. I am so scared to get hurt again, its like my heart has closed off. It can't take any more. 

And how do I get the other guy out my head and heart, even though I can see now he was not the person I thought it was and he has hurt me immensely. Should I take things further with police and tax authorities as I could or is this just revenge for hurting me. And will stop me moving forward? Or will it help? 

All this last year and the emotional upheaval and heart ache has left me without any focus or clarity in my life. I thought I knew what I wanted but now have no clue. Part of me just wants to run away but I can't as trapped with house, projects, pets etc....I used to  be so confident and strong in what I wanted, now I am just going through the motions of life. I have started trying to do personal development, try and calm my mind (I have always been an over thinker and worrier), meditation I find impossible. I have done so much reading and listening to things about why people have affairs and moving on, repairing relationships.......but still just feel so empty and lost. 

I feel I need space to try and be me again and find my way, but scared to be alone. Scared in that time if we have a break my partner may move on without me. Scared to lose him, scared to keep him. Scared I'll never really get this other guy out my head....out my heart....scared to live a mediocre life with a boring relationship with no passion or excitement. 

Maybe it would just help to chat to others that have found themselves in similar, going through similar etc....I know what's done is done and I have to put the past to bed and find a way forward whatever that is. 

[Jordan's thoughts]

An  expert Fishman  Knows the exact bait to use for the type of fish he intends to catch and an  Master engineer  Knows which  nuts and bolts  To mess with in order to get his  desired effect .OP I have to say your former affair partner sounds like a txt book  sociopath , these types of people are master  Manipulators and world-class liars. They usually never see the wrong in they actions as long as it benefits them and their end goals...He more then likely saw the issues you were dealing with and simply took advantage of them instead of being a true friend and actually helping you...You sound like a person who places importance on foundation and character, unfortunately your former affair partner has shaken or rather damaged the very core of that hence your current confusion in which  Direction your life should go and as a person who deals in projects and whatnot I am sure u realize without a   Solid foundation  Nothing you build will stand..

The good news is although it may seem impossible now but this pain can and will be your new foundation and make u stronger than u ever thought possible, as for your long term partner I  recommend you telling the truth  And letting him decide weather he wants this or not (this can be your way of taking  responsibility for your actions ) because things left unsaid tend to speak the loudest in silence or poison the  tongue that holds them in...

 

best wishes to you and you WILL GET THROUGH THIS...

[Amethyst68]

Your entire post is a litany of 'poor me' victim mentality. Let's be clear the only person to blame for your cheating is YOU. Nothing your partner did or didn't do pushed you into the bed of another your AP. If things were wrong in your relationship then you deal with them properly, instead you use then as an excuse for your poor decision making.

You know you're going to have to confess don't you? Your taking your AP to court for the 'loans'  what are you going to do when he counters your allegations by claiming the money was a gift because you were in a relationship or you were trying to buy his attention.

Your partner also deserves to have the full knowledge of what went on so HE can make an informed decision about his future. What makes you think you are the only person who gets to decide his future?

You need to take responsibility for your decision making and own your actions,  something that's significantly lacking your post. Once you do that then you start figuring out why it was ok to betray your partner.

 

 

[BaileyB]

Well, you wouldn’t be the first person to marry a man only to decide that you were not compatible, and/or the relationship has gone stale because you both quit putting effort into it anymore.

You also won’t be the first person to file for divorce. It happens every single day. If you are really that unhappy, there is a solution - a better solution than getting yourself wrapped up with another man... Get yourself a counsellor or a lawyer. 

Still somehow, I knew as I skimmed your post that there would be a love triangle in this story... Textbook, I would say. And now, you are trying to evaluate your marriage based on the relationship you have shared with your affair partner - not possible, but you are going to try...

Your husband may not be the best man, the most interesting man, the most motivated man... but, he certainly doesn’t deserve to be betrayed in this way by his wife. He deserves to know the truth so that he can then decide if the financial stability he enjoys is worth the lack of intimacy, arguing, and betrayal of his wife. The question you should be asking is not whether you have settled, but whether your husband is willing to settle for arrangement you call a marriage. 

Edited December 30, 2019 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

It very much sounds like have grown apart. If you want to try to retain the marriage, consider marriage counseling to help you resolve the issues and reconnect. Honestly it doesn't sound to me like you have much of a marriage left to save. I think it would have to be more about creating a new marriage (if that's desirable and feasible) than "saving" the existing one.

I will leave it to you whether to tell your H about the affair. The points above are valid ones IMO. Just keep in mind that in doing that you're most likely going to add a LOT of additional resentment and presumably make divorce that much more likely. In a situation like yours, divorcing without telling him about it, while dishonest, would a least be a "merciful" dishonesty.

Seems like you have some big decisions to make.

[Amethyst68]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I will leave it to you whether to tell your H about the affair. The points above are valid ones IMO. Just keep in mind that in doing that you're most likely going to add a LOT of additional resentment and presumably make divorce that much more likely. In a situation like yours, divorcing without telling him about it, while dishonest, would a least be a "merciful" dishonesty.

Seems like you have some big decisions to make.

I'm not sure the OP will have a choice, she's suing her AP for money. Somehow I think it'll all come out in court, as I mentioned earlier be prepared for a defence of "it was all gifts as we were together at the time" possibly even that you gave the cash to him to keep him happy and quiet about your affair.

[mark clemson]

Ah, fair enough. Missed that - did not go through all the intermediate posts on this one.