My boyfriend had a small talk with his ex-girlfriend, is that cheating?

[Claire_123]

We ‘ve been dating for almost a year and we love each other. Communication is a must for us, we tell each other everything. We also have the passwords to each others social media accounts but promised not to read messages for privacy.

But, I checked the people he’s been talking to and saw that he replied to his ex-girlfriend’s instagram story and had a small conversation. And I didn’t know that they talked or they’re close. The conversation was months ago and he didn’t tell me about it. Is that normal? Is that cheating or I’m overreacting? Pls help me.

Edited December 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[central]

Unless they said anything inappropriate to each other or planned to get together, then you are overreacting. I think it is normal to stay in touch with some people from one's past, even if they are former bf/gf, etc. It's the nature and content of the communication that can be an issue, but you did not indicate that such was the case.

[Brennan72]

I don't talk to any previous girlfriends, nor am I friends with them on social media. Most of them I would like to simply forget

My wife is FB friends with her teenage boyfriend (was ages ago), but they don't chat or really communicate. I would prefer he not be in her friends list at all, but it hasn't been an issue

It is a very bad policy to maintain contact with ex-lovers while you are in a LTR or married. Some people do this in order to set up a "Plan B" girl, or in the case of women, a guy they can monkey-branch to when their main guy is no longer interesting.

I would keep an eye on this, and call him out if it happens again

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What were they talking about?

[Claire_123]

Just now, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

What were they talking about?

my boyfriend replied to her instagram story (that i can no longer see because it was months ago) and he kinda joked around with her, which i don’t get cause he didn’t tell me anything and i didn’t even know he’s comfortable speaking to her.

[schlumpy]

How long ago was he with this other girl? What was the time period between their breakup and this message and I'm assuming it was a one time thing?

 

[Muller21QQQ]

I guess he wants to return everything as he's bored dating you :(
Unfortunately my girlfriend (ex) did exactly in the same way...
I guess you have to diversify your dating...

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Claire_123 said:

I didn’t know that they’re close or they still talk to each other. 

How do you know they are still close?   There's a world of difference between being close and responding to the occasional social media post.

[Daisydooks]

I wouldn't stress over what you have shared. Maybe talk with him calmly about it and say "hey! I know we arent supposed to look through messages or anything but I did notice you responded to her. Is everything cool with us? Do I have any reason to worry? I didnt know you guys had any contact, but I also dont want to jump to conclusions and make this more than it is because I snooped and found things I didn't know I would find."

Be honest. Tell him how you stumbled across things. Ask him if there is anything you need to worry about calmly. His response will be telling. 

 

I have never personally understood shared social media accounts and find it weird for me. Why do you share your account instead of just having your own? 

[Mrin]

Seems harmless. But I'd ask him about it or it is going to eat you up. 

[smackie9]

Doesn't sound like anything to me. If anything was going on, he wouldn't be doing it over social media for all to see. You are over reacting IMO. He can talk to anyone he wants and doesn't have to report to you what he does. Don't be one of those cray cray jealous paranoid GFs.

 

If this happened months ago, why are you still squirreling about it? And btw sharing PW is never a good thing...nor does it build trust.

Edited December 29, 2019 by smackie9

[Watercolors]

21 hours ago, Claire_123 said:

Communication is a must for us, we tell each other everything. We also have the passwords to each others social media accounts but promised not to read messages for privacy.

So, if the above is true then why your hesitancy to ask him directly about his Insta comments on his ex-g/f's profile? 
And, why wait so long months after he made the comments, to get upset about it? Something recent must have happened to make you suspicious. What was it? 

If you both have access to each other's social media, can't you just log into his Insta and snoop to see for yourself? According to you, he shouldn't be bothered since you have each other's passwords.



 

Edited December 29, 2019 by Watercolors
removed song link

[OatsAndHall]

No, it's not "cheating" but I think it's worth a discussion if it bothers you. I am very clear with women before we get serious; contact with exes is a deal breaker for me. They're grown women and I'm not going to demand they break off contact with an ex but I'm won't date them for my own peace of mind. I figure I have a 25% chance of it panning out well; they really are just friends (GREAT!), they have feelings for their ex, their ex has feelings for them or they both still have feelings for one another. I don't like those odds, I'm not going to play them and I have had nothing but bad experiences with women who keep in touch with their exes regularly.

Social media can make this trickier as I understand people simply have "social media friends" and that is harmless. And, it becomes obvious in a hurry when it isn't harmless as people can't seem to control themselves via social media.

[PinkFlamingo]

Some harmless comments, you even call it "small talk", months ago (!), and you're worried that your boyfriend is cheating, no, you wonder if his actions can be called cheating???? And why is everybody here fueling the unsubstantiated jealousy with support?

It's not like he is hanging out with her every day, sending romantic, flirtatious messages back and forth. I know a lot of people who still count some of their exes among their friends and they are able to behave in a civil manner and are not eager to rip off each other clothes. Sometimes relationships are over, because people feel that the relationship has reached its end. Sometimes one person ends it, but eventually everybody moves on. Nothing in the entry post indicated that the boyfriend still had feelings for her, but still everybody assumes that he must have had ulterior motives.

Edited December 29, 2019 by PinkFlamingo

[OatsAndHall]

3 minutes ago, PinkFlamingo said:

Some harmless comments, you even call it "small talk", months ago (!), and you're worried that your boyfriend is cheating, no, you wonder if his actions can be called cheating???? And why is everybody here fueling the unsubstantiated jealousy with support?

 

Because our own dating experiences and people's posts on here have taught us that contact with exes rarely has a happy ending. I always respond to these threads hoping that the contact is benign but will also advice people to take caution. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

[Watercolors]

57 minutes ago, PinkFlamingo said:

And why is everybody here fueling the unsubstantiated jealousy with support?

Because if you're friends with an ex, one or both of you has a hidden agenda. Also, the OP wouldn't have started a thread on her boyfriend's Insta comments from months ago, if he hadn't done something I'm guessing that was recent, to trigger her jealousy meter. I don't believe people can be platonic with their ex. Feelings always linger for the ex. Even if they won't admit it. 

[basil67]

Feelings always linger for the ex?   I can't imagine doing anything remotely romantic with any of my exes.  I shudder to think about it.  Sure, I wish them well and could have a nice conversation, but the idea of having feelings is laughable.   (This is why I'm always firmly in the camp of 'don't waste time trying to get an ex back')

We don't all feel the same way as you do Watercolors.  

[snowboy91]

OP it's up to you how you define cheating, but just having a conversation with an ex is relatively harmless in most circumstances IMO.

There are reasons why this guy is dating you now and not his ex. Feelings might have faded, they may have realised they are better off as friends than as romantic partners, the list goes on.

There may be lingering feelings on either side, but you can't control how either person feels. What's more important is how they act on them (or not). 

[Watercolors]

59 minutes ago, basil67 said:

We don't all feel the same way as you do Watercolors.  

That's ok with me. I just don't see the value of being friends with an ex. 

[basil67]

So I'm guessing that when you talk of feelings always lingering for exes, you were only speaking for your own experiences.  Sorry to misunderstand.

[Watercolors]

That's ok @basil67 yes I was only speaking from my own point of view. 

[Lorris007]

Hey, girl. Frankly speaking, there is nothing poor, that people stay friends after breakup and communicate with each other. Of course, there are such situations, when they begin to talk with each other, because want to bring back their relations, but it's easy to check. If they just talk without any meetings, then there isn't any reason to worry, but if your boyfriend or this woman use dirty pick up lines, during talking, and they meet, then you should act, because you can lose your boyfriend. So, don't panic ahead of time, all will be OK.

[smackie9]

I don't see a point of staying friends with an ex, but I do have one that I'm still friends with for 40 years. No feelings ever lingered.....just one of those things.

[PinkFlamingo]

20 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Because if you're friends with an ex, one or both of you has a hidden agenda. Also, the OP wouldn't have started a thread on her boyfriend's Insta comments from months ago, if he hadn't done something I'm guessing that was recent, to trigger her jealousy meter. I don't believe people can be platonic with their ex. Feelings always linger for the ex. Even if they won't admit it. 

I think she just did her bimonthly snooping around and found the conversation, that's all, no real trigger. People change and what might have seem a very attractive person once, might make you cringe and question your taste later on, which doesn't mean they are a bad person now, just someone you don't have any real romantic feelings for anymore.

[Watercolors]

Well it says more about her character then, doesn't it, than it does about the state of her relationship with her boyfriend if she feels the need to do her bimonthly snooping. I mean, if you are in a secure, happy, healthy romantic relationship why create drama where there is none? I have never stayed in contact with ex-boyfriends because if we don't work as a couple, we won't work as platonic friends. That's just my own experience. I just don't see why she needs to make a mountain of a mowhill, unless he did or said something to another woman, that made her snoop the way that she did.