blueriver Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 Whats wrong with me? My husband went to a strip club and after some persuasion from the young, sext entrapenour he agreed to get a lap dance in one of those 'secret rooms'. Now, I know America has standards about touching but he was in Canada and.... I'm not sure. He was upfront about the situation and told me he agreed to a lap dance for $20 and followed her into the room for a private showing. Hhhmmm, is it just me or is this not what comittment is all about. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 I'm pretty liberal when it comes to how I feel about strip clubs and porn but I would not be okay with this. He went into a private room and only the two of them know what happened there. Link to post Share on other sites
Jayhawks Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 Whats wrong with me? My husband went to a strip club and after some persuasion from the young, sext entrapenour he agreed to get a lap dance in one of those 'secret rooms'. Now, I know America has standards about touching but he was in Canada and.... I'm not sure. He was upfront about the situation and told me he agreed to a lap dance for $20 and followed her into the room for a private showing. Hhhmmm, is it just me or is this not what commitment is all about. I don't think the rules are much different in Canada. You pay your 20 and you get a girl grinding on you for the length of 1 song. You can't grab her crotch but you can feel her boobs and a$$. I wouldn't worry to much unless he starts frequenting them all the time. His commitment is to you so remind him of that fact. Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 Personally, I think something like what your H did is cheating. Many men seem to disagree with me as they have somehow convinced themselves and many women that if you pay for it/it isn't REAL then it's not cheating. I think this is exactly the same as a girl grinding a guy at a bar when she is in a committed relationship. Only difference is that as women, we don't need to pay for it. Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 or so they say but push come to shove there is.... but to another matter at hand was he in the room alone with just her or with others? if he was with others then yes he could have just gotten a dance for 20 but if you head off to the champagne room then that is costing more then 20 alot more Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 you can feel her boobs and a$$. I wouldn't worry to much unless he starts frequenting them all the time. Jayhawks, I'm assuming you wouldn't mind if another man did this to your girlfriend/wife Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 Whats wrong with me? My husband went to a strip club and after some persuasion from the young, sext entrapenour he agreed to get a lap dance in one of those 'secret rooms'. Now, I know America has standards about touching but he was in Canada and.... I'm not sure. He was upfront about the situation and told me he agreed to a lap dance for $20 and followed her into the room for a private showing. Hhhmmm, is it just me or is this not what comittment is all about. I'm female and not really into the strip club thing but I DO know it depends on where you go - what happens...Do you know which strip joint he went to? And where in Canada? Either way, having a private strip dance when he's married is wrong. Seeing it and being with a bunch of buddies is one thing, but he crossed the line! If you're very worried about it, ask him to get tested for STD's. Link to post Share on other sites
Jayhawks Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 Jayhawks, I'm assuming you wouldn't mind if another man did this to your girlfriend/wife I am not condoning his actions. I know though that he is not getting sex for 20 bucks. I would not want my g/f working there or going to one. I dated a dancer awhile back and it was an issue with us. I do know that the women see it as their job and they rarely get involved with customers. They just entice guys to keep coming back to get their money. If the guy gets to grabby or does things he shouldn't he will get ejected and the girls will tell the rest not to dance for him. Link to post Share on other sites
deesgirl Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 I feel like Pete and repeat today (other threads), but to me it's cheating. My husband went to a strip club a couple of years ago and got several lap dances. We haven't been the same since. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 ... and girls are different. In some clubs, lap dances are completely no-touch situations. In others, the sky's the limit. So, unless you know the club and know the girl, it's really difficult to say if anything happened or not. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. My husband went to a strip club a couple of years ago and got several lap dances. We haven't been the same since. A couple of years ago? And it's still unresolved? How long will you hold it over his head? Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 A couple of years ago? And it's still unresolved? How long will you hold it over his head? She'll hold it over his head until he either leaves - because he realizes she's always going to find something like this to drive him nuts with forever. Or he actually finds something that she has done, that he can throw back at her continuously - until she understands what is feels like to be brow beaten Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 I view lap dances as nothing more than dry humps. If my husband were to get one of those, I'd simply have to dry hump all of our male guests until he got the hint. Might be a bit awkward with the inlaws and visiting clergy, but I think I could pull it off. (That was only partially in jest - I would behave poorly over such a thing.) In my opinion, the only crotch he needs rubbed against him while we're married is mine. If he actively seeks out another, he ought not be married to me. But this is something that we clearly established before we were married. Link to post Share on other sites
Oddone Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Ahhh, the strip club finds yet another victim(s). I would have to agree, even as a man, that the lap dance thing is pushing over the top. I have been known to join my peers in a trip to the "peelers"; but, most of these trips were excuses to male bond and an opportunity to attempt meaningful male conversation while shouting over loud, bass laden music. If the dancer de jour is particularly blessed then one would be inclined to be fixated for a song or two then return to the discussion. In my experience, it was possible to not even glance at the stage for quite some time since it was more about enjoying the company of friends. Could be just me, but I always viewed the lap dance as something guys who didn't get any at home would participate in. If the guy was married, I always felt that they were cheating in a way because regardless of the no contact rules (it seems these lines can be very gray indeed) infidelity begins in the heart and mind, period. Atleast he was up front and maybe its a bit of guilt setting in? Whatever the reason, if it was the first time, then maybe curiousity and alcohol got the better of him. If he begins to seek this out on a frequent basis, I would be looking for underlying reasons which might be motivating him to seek a substitute form of stimulation. Just my $.02 Link to post Share on other sites
deesgirl Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 "A couple of years ago? And it's still unresolved? How long will you hold it over his head?" We are pretty much over it, but it did change our marriage. I thought that my husband had the same beliefs as me, since we had discussed it. I thought my husband wouldn't lie to me. After he went and paid a young, almost nude girl (s) to grind on him, it changed the way I looked at things. I thought marriage meant only being sexual with each other. I feel like I was cheated on. I also think that if you think that is okay while being married, it's a small leap to all out cheating. We are doing pretty good now, but I'll always know that he has it in him to hurt me and lie to me. I would have sworn before that he wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
deesgirl Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 "She'll hold it over his head until he either leaves - because he realizes she's always going to find something like this to drive him nuts with forever. Or he actually finds something that she has done, that he can throw back at her continuously - until she understands what is feels like to be brow beaten" You know, when it first happened I told him we should probably split up because I didn't know if I could ever get over it. He chose to stay. You can say whatever you want about me, but until you've been hurt by the person you trust most in the world, you just won't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Hhhmmm, is it just me or is this not what comittment is all about. For you it is. What does your husband think of the situation, though? If you are stuck in an "I'm right and you are wrong" cycle over this, it will never be resolved. You and your husband have to not only hear what the other is saying, but you have to really listen as well. You don't have to agree with each other, but you do have to understand how each other feels about something like this - and accept that your spouse feels differently. Then perhaps with that understanding, better compromises can be made and boundaries can be more easily set between you. Keep the focus of your discussion on the boundaries and not lap dancing. If you make this all about the lap dance, you'll be stuck in the "right/wrong" cycle without accomplishing anything. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 ...until you've been hurt by the person you trust most in the world, you just won't understand. That is, of course, a fallacy. I don't have to be black to know that they suffer discrimination. I don't have to be Jewish to know the agonies of the Holocaust. I don't have to be female to know about the "glass ceiling." And, although I have been betrayed, it wasn't necessary to understand the damage a betrayal can cause a relationship. But maybe that's a topic for another thread... Point is, LB has it bang on the money:If you make this all about the lap dance, you'll be stuck in the "right/wrong" cycle without accomplishing anything. According to your original post, it's been five years since this happened. The time to resolve this is long overdue, for the sake of both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
deesgirl Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 I'm not the OP. I was just throwing my 2 cents in. If you have been hurt, or can relate, then you know that you heal at your own pace. Who is anyone to say when a person should 'get over it'? Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 I find these arguments ridiculous. If the husband is equally comfortable with another man receiving a similar "lap dance" from his wife, I guess there is no double standard. Further, if both parties are comfortable with the giving and receiving of "lap dances" all is well in their relationship. If, on the other hand, the husband has received from ANY other woman what he would not want his wife to give to another man, then the husband is, in my view, an a**h***. He wants to enjoy the titillation, but does not want his wife to be similarly titillated or titillating. I would not stand for that double standard. And, if either spouse is uncomfortable with their partner being in contact with others in a sexualized manner, then the other partner should give it up. Or, find a new partner that is comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Oh, and why would it not be "about" the lap dance? Every event is not symbolic. Sometimes a duck is a duck. Perhaps the poster is otherwise content in her relationship and this is a seriously hurtful incident to her which she must overcome to feel comfortable again. I think the husband ought to apologize for his lapse and promise not to engage in a similar "event" and honour his promise. Nothing less would do if it were me. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 I do not think that no marrried man needs to be getting no lap dance because that is wrong as he##.. I would not approve of my man doing that if i ever found he has done that he will be gone !! I don't play that **** like NewWife said the only coohie should be rubbed on him should be mine!! lol i think that strip clubs are degrading to women to eachs own but personally i think it is trashy!! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Oh, and why would it not be "about" the lap dance? Every event is not symbolic. Because focusing only on the lap dance will draw attention from the larger issues from which having a problem with lap dances stems. Sure, it helps to use it as an example for what it is you need to get across to your spouse, but if all you throw at them is "you are wrong for what you are doing" then the spouse will react only to that one thing in an effort to defend his actions without once taking in consideration what his wife is really trying to say to him. Its too easy to get hung up on the examples, and all to easy to let the underlying problem go unadressed as a result of getting hung up on the examples. The wife wants to express her feelings behind why it is she thinks things like lap dances are cheating. If she only addresses the lap dances, without going into the deeper issue of boundaries about this sort of thing in general - the the husband is only going to focus on defending his position in terms of the lap dance - without communicating to his wife why he has that position to begin with. Gets you absolutely nowhere, really. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 I'm a guy. During my marriage, I went to strip clubs with friends on a number of occasions. As long as it's just watching, I don't see a huge distinction between watching strippers and watching porn. However, I never got a lap dance during that time. My explanation to my friends was that it was too close to cheating. I still feel that way. Since the marriage ended I have received lap dances, though not very often. But I'd curtail them entirely if I were in a relationship with somebody. I agree, if it's OK for the guy to get a lap dance, then it's OK for a woman in a relationship to grind her crotch against a naked guy. And to me, neither is OK. It's disrespectful. My simple rule is, you don't do something in secret with somebody else that you wouldn't want your SO to find out about. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 i find this all very interesting and yes, it's a bit of a moral dilemna. someone said here that some men believe if they "pay" for it it's not cheating. and i've heard that before. personally, the lap dance itself doesn't necessarily bother me, but i know in some clubs when they go to the private room there's definitely the offer to do more, hand or oral, for more money. my FWB guy went to a club in canada a while back and he shared with me much of what happened, and yes, he had a lap dance that a buddy paid for since he's the only single one in the bunch. but from what i understand ALL of them had paid lap dances and i wouldn't doubt that some of them might have paid for more. what i find interesting about this is some of the hypocrisy in it all. my FWBs wife cheated on him, it ended his marriage. one of the other guys Ws cheated on him, and they're working it out, but i believe he also took part in the festivities. and knowing all of this puzzles me about my guy. he seems to have no problem with this, because it was paid for, but he struggles sometimes with the morality of my FWB relationship with him and we're both single. it's a compliated world out there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueriver Posted October 7, 2005 Author Share Posted October 7, 2005 or so they say but push come to shove there is.... but to another matter at hand was he in the room alone with just her or with others? if he was with others then yes he could have just gotten a dance for 20 but if you head off to the champagne room then that is costing more then 20 alot more What is this room? Should I ask him? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts